Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

“He’s text War & Peace” literally LOL’d

Totally agree with doing something for yourself. After one breakup, which was the I don't love you anymore type, the weekend after I went horse riding. Had wanted to go riding for ages, but supporting a sponge really didn't leave me with the cash. I was so excited the night before that I couldn't sleep. Went riding every weekend and was always so excited. Something just for me that I totally loved doing was a wonderful distraction.

At17, please take the advice of others and access money in any joint account, he will get mean and want money for his adventures.

You owe him and ow nothing, your story is fine. He's left you for adventure with ow, a mid life crisis cliche. That's what you tell people.
I'd make sure his parents know as he'll have told them something different.
He can stay with them and look after them in their old age, brilliant adventure for him.

“Get your stories right” what a prick. Hold on, OP. You’re already on anger stage - that will help you move forward. The man you knew is sadly gone, just imagine he got hit by a bus 😬

Just found this thread and read the whole thing... you poor thing!
If he was telling the truth, there would be no need to get stories straight.
You can tell people that he’s hanging out with his “new best friend that he’s not shagging but has deep friendship with” and make sure you do air quotes every single time.

I found it very helpful at this stage to just factually recount entirely what had happened to friends without too much commentary and let them come to their own conclusions. My ex was desperate for a PR job so they could look alright to their family and friends. No way!

I think they sometimes think you will also want to present it as a mutual decision to feel more powerful in the situation - don't fall for it - you need everyone around you now and it is therapeutic to tell them exactly how things unfolded.

Get your stories right... Would that be the story where you play the wicked villain and he plays the brave young hero 😒 So basically not a story but a fucking fairytale.

not sure I could go on living with someone if they have decided a relationship is no longer what they want. I can't imagine that being very easy on your teenage children either. So sorry this is happening to you.

I've just read the whole thread form start to finish. I am amazed and in awe of the change in your attitude over the few days since your DH dropped his bombshell on you. You are growing stronger every day.

I almost feel like i’m acting in my own life right now. It’s so unreal yet so painful.

You are acting right now. Because a bomb has been dropped. My advice is keep acting; like the cat-sleeping, unapologetic, newspaper-reading, calm, steely-eyed, happy mother and woman you want to be. Eventually that will be true. It will keep your kids and your heart safe until you have the time and distance you need.

By the way, the thumbs up response is the most genius thing I think I've ever heard on here. It would take the wind out of the sails of the most wind-bag texter.

And I meant to say, I was convinced everyone would side with my exH. No one did. Even his best friend said, "he's my mate and I love him but he can be a selfish wanker". And everyone told me how much happier I was and how much less angry I seemed.

I’ve realised these past couple of days without him here, how often I apologise to him for things I do that he gets annoyed about. Small things that really annoy him like closing the front door too loudly or not loading the dishwasher ‘properly.’ I haven’t apologised at all in 48 hours!

This is really sad, but doesn't surprise me. He sounds a lot more controlling than I think you realised when you were in the thick of it.

I've wondered a few times from things you've alluded to over the course of this thread whether stuff like this was going on and what you'd start to realise once he was gone.

Some of the way you write about your life and refer to yourself sounds very much like someone who's experienced subtle controlling behaviours for a long time.

You may find this quite illuminating: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I absolutely agree that the texting from him is about seeking control over you and this situation.

Hi OP, you are doing really well and have been far more dignified than I was when this happened to me 7 years ago after twenty odd years of marriage and DC.

Just stopped by to acknowledge this is a really shit time, but it honestly does get better and ultimately you will be far happier and know you are far stronger than ever when you and STBXH were together. I wouldn't choose to go back now even if that were possible.

Two things helped me: (1) tell everyone you know what has happened. My exH thought I should keep quiet about it and hated that I had blown his cover. I got fantastic support from people I had only known slightly before then. I also got custody of our mutual friends :).

(2) Go NC. Block him on your phone and email right now. You owe him nothing and you do not need to engage with his self-centred bollocks. The only person he needs to speak to is his solicitor. It is amazing what a weight that takes from you.

Getting your stories straight - he's panicking a bit, isn't he?

I am at getting your stories straight. He is a twat!

I really like your calm approach. It must be driving him nuts.

Get your stories straight? What a CUNT. (sorry the for the C word, but he is)

Thing is you both have different truths. The one he has constructed in his own mind to make him look good believes is that he nobly married you even when he didn’t want to then spent years and years soldiering though in an unhappy marriage and when the strain of all this became too much (ie the OW became free) he finally thought he had best end it so you could both grow and be happy. Then the actual truth, that everyone else can see. He is having a MLC and with the obligatory affair so he has abandoned his family.

He is such a cliché. At least all his woe is me and pouring his heart out should make it easier to not love him. If this was happening to me I think I would feel such contempt for him for being so predictable.

You are doing so well.

OP, you're doing amazingly.

Take it all one day at a time, just as you are. Your ex is a twat and does not deserve you.

OP for what it's worth this Sam etching happened to me and he did have a "special friend" too.
He told me all the same crap and couldn't understand why I was so angry as it was the start of a new life for us all.
His life was with his very young girl friend, nights out, lie ins lovely holidays etc.
Mine was Co tinuing to raise 4 kids one only 8 months old whilst recovering from breast cancer. Such an exciting time for me

However. Karma did her work eventually and he is now fifty and tied down with 4 small dc in a shabby rented house with a doormat girlfriend.

I however ma married to a gorgeous and kind man and a very happy life with my children plus our little girl of 8.
I'll never forget his twatty face when he breezed into my garden and found me sat having a drink and a laugh with my new bf. They are so quick to be positive and excited about yheri new lives untill they realise that you too have one.

How you feel is horrendous but it is temporary and you will get through it.

Erm same thing. I'm not sure what that means 🙄

God he just gets worse doesn’t he. If you chose to reply the thumb 👍 that another poster suggested is absolutely brilliant. He sounds like a grade A dick. Doesn’t want his reputation being ruined by everyone knowing what a cliche he is.

I love the thumbs up idea! The only thing is the whole time you don’t reply he has no idea whether you’re even bothering to read the crap he’s sending you! Which could annoy him more..! Hope you are doing OK, Op, you have hundreds of Mumsnetters in your corner ❤️

Another loving the thumbs up...god that is genius. I'll bank that one (but I hope I don't have to ever use it ).

Has he told the DC?
Beware, that he may go ahead & give them this whole crock of shit, alone.
I would not respond, but any more "getting our, story straight" needs cutting short.
"Your "story" fairytale v. My truth ?".

lol I used the 👍 too but I didn’t know it was a thing!! The other thing I did was when he texted me long rambling messages about who / what had pissed him off ( rubbish best mate, mad brothers, colleagues) I would respond ... lol! What are they like?

ohhhhohohoho he's shitting himself now isn't he.. doesn't want to look like the complete and utter arsehole that he is... can't have people knowing what he's really like... that would be SO much less exciting than the fantasy life he's dreamed up and told you all about.. Stupid, stupid, selfish pig.