Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

"Getting your stories straight "

That's done it for me. Have to comment. Just remember your kids are no 1 and you are no 1 + 1. He is nothing.

Always put yourselves first in whatever comes next.

Good Luck OP

Why such a sudden shift? How can he switch off like that?
Well.... he's been colluding with the OW for a while and then she suddenly left her marriage and the door was wide open for him. Unfortunately men can compartmentalize their lives. The part with you is now over the new one with the OW begins now.

As you say, there is no story to get straight. You will be telling everyone the truth.
He's a selfish pig who has decided the OW is far more exciting than his current boring family life and he's abandoning you all for her. Job done!

You've had a terrible shock OP and things are bound to feel surreal for you just now. The person you loved who you thought you knew better than yourself is behaving like a complete stranger as he is so caught up in his MLC.

That numb feeling will fade with time and you and the kids will find a new "normal".

Glad to hear you have a friend to confide in who has sadly walked the same path but can help you with the stages to come.

That's great you have a solicitor appointment lined up as the sooner you get that in place the better. Did you get a chance to look into benefits and any help you are entitled to as a single parent yet?

How are the kids coping so far? Are you still off work?

I think you nailed it with your "story straight" reply to him. Cold, hard facts not romantic fiction painting him as the good guy as he'd like. Well done

"Exciting time for us all"

"Getting our stories straight"

I've never read anything so incredulous in my life!! He really is all about ME ME ME.

In a way, this situation is an easy one for you to play. You can see what he wants you to do/say so it's perfectly obvious how not to do it.

Like others have said: calm detachment, that will drive him mad.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he's left the marriage and therefore he's left the family home.

Tell him that you aren't going to speak badly about him to the children, but he has to be the one to facilitate the relationships that he has with them.

Remove ALL the creature comforts of the marriage. Be civil, but distant. No friendly texts, no supporting his self-absorbed attitude. I would also bag up his clothes and chuck them outside and tell him they're there.

You need to show him in no uncertain terms what he's now lost. And ignore when he says he feels hurt and let down. I also imagine the next complaint from him will be that he feels humiliated because you've told everyone the truth.

It will gradually dawn on him exactly what he's chosen, and he won't like it.

Good luck

Have you moved 3/4 or at least 1/2 of the money out of any joint accounts OP? He is going to realise very soon, if not already, that you are not going to be a doormat and will start playing dirty with money. This is an urgent priority.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You will come out of this fine though, keep doing what you are doing and ignore him.

Unfortunately men can compartmentalize their lives

I've noticed this more and more the older I get. It's quite a male phenomena.

Ha harsh reality seems to be starting to dawn on him. As you rightly say @At17 there is no story to get straight - he decided his MLC affair with the OW who understaaaands him soooo much was more important than his marriage & his children & he left. He’s so desperate not to be seen as the bad guy but he is & you don’t owe him anything. You don’t have to play the wife role anymore & smooth out his life for him

God what a twat he is!

@At17 I've just sat and read this whole thread with my heart in my mouth. I'm just so sorry you are going through this. I left my ex last year in October after I found out he was cheating with his new best friend at work (need a rolling eye icon here). He also followed the script. It is all so familiar except the OW in my situation was 15 years younger and totally single. I'd had suspicions the previous October 17 after realising he had suddenly changed his phone and social media habits. I just had a niggling doubt and one night confronted him when I saw her name flash up in whatsapp message to him not 10 mins after he had returned home from work. I'd noticed that the man who was always spouting he didn't mix work with his personal life had suddenly friended some much younger women on FB - he always said he didn't want work people knowing about his life. I'd noticed she was always liking his stuff and they would tag each other in things. Totally different behaviour to any of his other friends he interacted with.

So when I confronted him, he was incredulous that I would think such a thing and then started to go on about how he felt lonely in our relationship blah, blah, blah get the tiny violin out. Fact was he had become lazy and complacent a few years prior so I found myself some hobbies and got on with things. Whenever I suggested we go somewhere and do something, he just wanted to laze about in bed all weekend and play computer games. It was like living with a manchild, however I never had cause to feel he would ever cheat on me. As he had convinced me it was all my fault that our relationship was flailing, I dropped some of my hobbies (not all) and we decided to make an extra effort with each other. They hysterical bonding started...thankfully you haven't had to do this, and to cut a long story short, I still had niggling doubts which started to make me anxious and stressed all the time. He then broke down crying in Jan 2018 saying he didn't know what to do as he thought the spark had gone etc. I blatantly asked if he wanted to split and he said no. It was horrendous. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I started counselling as he had convinced me it was me being jealous. He basically gaslighted me and was emotionally abusive throughout until I discovered the truth last October.

When I did, I must say that it kind of empowered me. I'd found out that I was fucking right all along and not imagining things. When I did confront him that night he became very aggressive towards me and my teenage daughter - the child he had been step-dad too since she was 6 years old. We left that night, with the help of his parents and I never saw him again. I told EVERYONE. The days following me leaving his mum did kind of turn on me and said that I was wrong, that the OW was just a shoulder to cry on and he was having a nervous breakdown because I had left. Utter bollocks. A few months after I left I had to meet his parents to sort out some stuff and she cried on me saying how sorry she was - turns out she realised in the end that her son was a cheating little shit.

Anyway, one year on for me and this past year has been wonderful. My DD managed to get through her mocks last year when all of it was going on, passed all of her exams and is now doing A levels. I have had a brilliant year and have my confidence and self esteem back. I know snippets of my ex's life and it isn't all rosy, which is really GREAT! . I love my new life and have come to the conclusion the OW did me a massive favour.

Why are middle aged men often such predictable entitled cowards?

At "get our story straight" I think I would have had to drop my dignity, go round to his parents and kick him in the balls.
Dickhead.
You are better than that though OP. Keep your silence, make sure you get the most vicious bastard lawyer you can find and take him to the cleaners.

I just want to say another big thank you, for the support, the sharing, everything! This thread has kept me sane and knowing that there are total strangers out there, rooting for me and my children, has been really, really heartwarming. I am so touched.

I’ve realised these past couple of days without him here, how often I apologise to him for things I do that he gets annoyed about. Small things that really annoy him like closing the front door too loudly or not loading the dishwasher ‘properly.’ I haven’t apologised at all in 48 hours!

Must say, one breakup I had, the ex was saying something to me, can't remember what. I just looked at him and said his opinion really didn't bother me as he wasn't important to me and I really didn't give a shit what he thought. The shock on his face was hilarious. Standing there like a gold fish lost for words.

I agree with prior poster sort the money out ASAP. While he's hopefully feeling guilty, get the solicitor to get you a good deal. Don't wait until the OW starts whispering in his ear about how things aren't fair and he should be giving you less. Strike while the guilt is strong and he's more likely to be amenable to look like the good guy.

You're ace, OP. It's no hardship to support you! isn't it amazing that we all recognise The Script? Everything he's spouting has been said before by middle aged cheating men - yet I bet he feels sooooo unique and special

He’s needs his freedom and thinks that he’ll be a much better dad to the children without feeling so trapped and resentful all the time. That I’ve made it impossible for him to have the adventures he’s craving and that now he’ll have the freedom, it will make everything easier for all of us

He is a fucking prick At17 a fucking wanker selfish prick.

He wants his freedom, and you pushed him into marriage?

No-one forces anyone to marry. If he didn't want children then he should have had a vasectomy. I'm spluttering. You should channel your righteous anger and show him his life now.

He is behaving like an irresponsible child. He needs to take responsibility for his emotions and his actions.

OOf I am almost speechless at his cruelty and abusive attitude towards you. Blaming you. Resist, resist, resist. Come in here to gain strength.

YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. His emotional idiocy & immaturity is.

I get so so so angry - my father did this to my mother from when I was around 15. My mother felt trapped as a SAHM and stayed & put up with my father's lack of putting his family first.

He reaps what he sows - we rarely have much to do with him now. Family occasions don't routinely include him - and we - my 3 siblings and I (yes he fathered 4 of us then said he wanted his "freedom") are rarely in touch with him.

He's alone now.

I may be projecting

OP.

Funny how your home is so much more comfortable without him in it. I'm glad you don't have to apologise to anyone now.

I haven’t apologised at all in 48 hours!
It's amazing isn't it?
The amount of people that have said how much I have changed since the marriage break up is so odd. I had no idea I had adjusted my behaviour so much to suit him.
So.......
You did the tiptoeing around.
You made the compromises.
Yet it's still all your fault!?
Good luck to the OW is all I can say.

Just joined to say that I am rooting for you & your kids too .

I am a few weeks ahead of you, similar age children, length of relationship etc. It is awful but we will come out better and stronger that the husbands ever imagined possible.

I am doing 'calm detachment' and its helped me massively. In front of the kids I'm chirpier but otherwise its total basics, short and to the point. I struggled with this in the early days so if you can master it sooner it will be so much better for you.

Get your stories straight 😂😂 'I'll be telling the truth dh'

when my friend was going through this she remembered that all her communication with him might be being shared and picked over by him and the ow, so she used just the thumbs up signal. he would pour his selfish heart out to her and she'd thumbs up back

I honestly believe the thumbs up emoji is gods gift to women dealing with self absorbed tossers of both sexes and all ages.

Them: "whinge whinge whinge, me me me"
You: 👍
Them: 🤯

@At17 you’re amazing! 4 days in, you’re enjoying newspapers again, letting the cat sleep on the bed, and living in your own home without having to apologise for silly things all the time?! Enjoy loading the dishwasher however the bloody hell you want to, and just know that despite how it feels now, these little moments of peace/happiness will be magnified by 1000x the further on you get from these first few raw days.

I seriously can’t believe how strong you are. Your children are lucky to have such a great role model.

Have you gone to CHUMP LADY website yet OP? She will help guide & enlighten you during this process of change & growth. The thing is, your ex is in a way right. Your life will get better without his toxic influence in your life. He sounds incredibly self absorbed, manipulative & sly. He has had his own agenda for awhile & now re-writing history to suit his own narrative. You sound like you’ve been very dignified & he wanted out of the marriage so he deserves to feel a very empty spot where your place should be now, those are big shoes to fill. Let whatever is meant to be will be with him & this OW. If he is as self centred she will see this in time. I believe you reap what you sow in life. Different to karma, but now is the time to focus on You & not him - what you want, like, need etc. Do one thing each day for yourself that is kind & a treat. This time sux but you will transition past this shock. Anger is good, embrace anger & let it give you the power & energy to make positive changes in your life xoxo

Oh an am a huge advocate of sleeping with animals. The cat’s living their best life right now, at least & loving you massively for it!

You are amazing ❤️
But about to see how times I apologise today now

It's so strange how the man you thought you knew suddenly becomes a stranger. My ex started telling me that I never knew him at all (I could even predict which fucking socks he'd put on on a given day).

I knew him too well. I knew that he was just hiving off the whole life he'd spent with me because remembering it made him feel guilty. He had to sort of pretend to himself that he was the same person he'd been before we met and our relationship had never happened, in a kind of way.

Because otherwise they have to face up to the fact that they are not that desirable 25 year old who could have any women they wanted, they are now an overweight and balding man who can bore on their chosen subject for hours and who avoids household chores.

I used to play a game with myself when replying to my ex texts. I'd use the least words/letters I could. I found the 'thumbs up' would be an adequate response to must things

It had the added bonus if driving him up the wall too. He's text war and peace, and I'd respond 👍