Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

'After not responding to his message this morning, I have just had another saying that he "can't believe" I didn't reply when he'd poured his heart out to me'

'LOL!'

Oh OP. He's a fucktard of the highest order.

He is desperate for you to do the Pick Me Dance, don’t give him the satisfaction. Silence is golden.

Have you sorted out finances/benefits yet? If not do it first thing tomorrow. Benefits start from the day you start the claim, you can’t backdate them it so don’t put it off.

Oh my, he thought you would be his whipping boy.
When people leave the drama is what makes it exciting, but it seems no one cares.
Bet his parents have told him he is stupid and to go to bed.
Also seems his sole mate isn't as solely as he thought

@mummmy2017 that made me laugh the thought of his mother telling him to go to bed 😂😂

Please don’t reply to him. He chose this. He chose to do this to you and your children.

Don't reply please don't reply you are doing this. The silence will say so much more to him than anything you write back. If you reply he will likely then ignore you to regain control

@At17....I would message along the lines of ..... “of course I will not make things difficult for our children. I’d like them to maintain their relationship with you - we need to discuss what nights, weekends and school holidays they will be spending with you once we all get over the shock”.

Also - agree with others. It will not last with OW as they are in cloud cuckoo land and once reality bites their wonderous dream will become a sad nightmare. His DC will likely lash out at him (initially at first), he will have less disposable cash, he won’t be as free as he thinks he will and once OW and him start spending “real” life together, they will reveal their annoying habits ( we all have them) and discover things they probably don’t like about each other.

OP, he hasn’t grasped that if he wants out of the marriage, he no longer gets to rely on your emotional support, or for you to feel honoured when he ‘pours out his heart’ to you.

The problem you have is your husband is already months down the line so his head is in a food place. He is in a new phase and has decided it’s all for the best and he is somehow doing you a favour too in the process and you should somehow be grateful. The fact he is seeking a response to that pathetic text he sent earlier in the day just shows how delusional he is. So selfish and self absorbed that he can’t see that you may be reeling in shock... interesting that he is already prepared for his relationship with his DC being difficult and getting ready to blame you for that too..... he is a piece of work

Such an arse!

“he hopes I'm not going to make things difficult between him and the children.” Wtf! I suspect what he means is he expects you to bend over backwards so he can see the dc when it suits him (and not when it doesn’t - teens do tend to bugger ones sex life!) and not pursue him for cm!

Tempting to send a witty retort but actually as not responding is clearly bugging the life out of him...keep ignoring!

I’d go as far as he may even be hoping you say something rude/aggressive/unreasonable by text which he can then point out to ow/his parents/his allies and say “look! See what I’ve had to put up with?!”

You may find it illuminating to read up on “games people play” as he seems to be trying to play a version of “see what you made me do”

http://www.ericberne.com/games-people-play/see-what-you-made-me-do/

http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/games/blame_game.htm

It drove my ex nuts that I wouldn’t play the “pick me” dance either, I didn’t know at the time that it had a name I just decided like fuck was I boosting his already inflated ego and thinking it was in any way acceptable to cheat and try to keep stringing me along! He came to see dd on occasion, she was still a toddler and he’d bath and put her to bed... and then hang around! Start off with small talk and then later say things like ‘you know I still love you’ and later (after split but before her pregnancy known, while he was claiming they’d only got together after we split) he’d say things like ‘I’ve not much in common with her’ ‘I don’t think we’ll last’ ‘it’s not serious with her’ and eventually (as I say wish I’d had mn I’d have had better advice on how to deal with all his bollocks) I lost patience and called him on it. Asked him what he was playing at with those comments and did he really think I was too stupid to know what really happened. Told him he was welcome to see dd whenever he wanted but there was no reason for him to hang about once she was asleep. This completely threw him, but unfortunately his reaction was to turn aggressive! I had to call the MP’s and they made him leave and warned him he couldn’t behave like that in future. As it turned out the next time he visited was just after she had pregnancy confirmed and he was in pieces, his life was literally falling apart and it was his own fault.

Don’t play HIS game.

I know I’ve said before but I honestly would caution against you ending up “caught out” by hiding his behaviour and his real reason for leaving from dc. Because they WILL figure it out themselves and if they feel you were complicit in deception that can backfire on you which is not what you OR the kids need

Oh so he was going to string you along for a further 2 years of blissful ignorance before he skipped off was he? His original plan was therfore to selfishly plan to leave when your children were in the middle of their A levels and GCSE's the absolute dick. How disgusting that he now is blaming you for prematurely scuppering his exciting future plans.

If it wasnt so callous it could be viewed as laughable that he now says after 20 years that you pushed him into a marriage he didnt want.

He has clearly been plotting his new life for a while and now has the turmerity to demand you be accomodating and happy to make his life easier. He is deluded narcissistic idiot.

If it does turn out that his coincidently newly single friend is in fact the OW I would guess he has left "early" as she is calling the shots and her marriage ending is the driving factor.

"**I’d go as far as he may even be hoping you say something rude/aggressive/unreasonable by text which he can then point out to ow/his parents/his allies and say “look! See what I’ve had to put up with?!”

^^
This

Yep. I think a void of silence and tumbleweed is the way to go OP. It'll rattle him so he'll probably try a different tactic to ramp it up. Watch your back and be prepared for Mr Nasty.

Once you've got your finances in check and spoke to your solicitor I'd keep the convos brief and to the point, essentials moving forward, childcare arrangements etc. Some people have found email a better way to keep contact to a minimum.

If he wants an agony aunt there's always Dear Deirdre

Use the grey rock technique in your interactions. It’s a dangerous time as soon he will,get nasty regarding money, property etc. You need to keep conversations to a minimum, keep them bland and factual.
www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

lots of good advice here.

when my friend was going through this she remembered that all her communication with him might be being shared and picked over by him and the ow, so she used just the thumbs up signal. he would pour his selfish heart out to her and she'd thumbs up back. it blew his mind but really, detachment is the key- he is treating you as an obstacle/counsellor - protect yourself as much as you can. .

I agree that he will soon get nasty regarding money and property. You need to arm yourself with legal advice OP.

It don’t tell him this of course, just go grey rock and agree to nothing.

I’m loving the thumbs up symbol suggestion .

Sounds like you need to kill him with kindness. He sounds completely self centred and deluded, you're doing a great job

I'm not sure he does wish uou to do the pick me dance, I think what he wants is to feel in control and that you're not going to make him out to be the bad guy, he wants you to make it easy for him. And to go along with his script that this is for the best.

So he gets to see his new partner, only have the kids whenever, little responsibility and everyone think he's a good guy.

Basically no matter how hard he's making it for you, he wants you to make it easy for him and knows you've the ability to make it hard.

I’ve just made an appointment with a solicitor for early next week. A friend of mine is also going through this and gave me a recommendation. My friend is about six months ahead of me and came round last night, so it was good to talk to her and hear her experiences.

It’s almost eerie how similar our stories are. Her husband told her he hadn’t loved her for years and had only stayed for the children. He said he felt trapped and suffocated, that married life was breaking his spirit. Turns out he had been having an affair with a work colleague. He only admitted this after my friend’s sister saw them together and even then he claimed they were just friends etc.

He did NOT pour his heart out.
He was shifting blame, putting the onus on you, making you feel like shit, and generally being a total cunt.
How does that translate into pouring his heart out.
Fuck me - he's a knob!

He sent me another message this morning asking what I’m telling people so we can ‘get our stories straight.’

I’m telling people he’s walked out of our marriage, left the children and it’s all his idea. There’s no story to get straight.

De-lurking to say that a cat and a newspaper sounds like a brilliant swap for this horrible man! How dare he expect emotional cheerleading from you when he's said such cruel things?

I'd also just say - please lawyer up now, while he's still feeling guilty.

It’s so painful. It’s like he’s someone I’ve never met. Just last week, we were making holiday plans and talking about decorating. Why such a sudden shift? How can he switch off like that?

Get your stories straight, it gets worse. He truly is awful and clearly wants it to look like you made a joint decision to end it rather than him running off for his new adventure.

I almost feel like i’m acting in my own life right now. It’s so unreal yet so painful.