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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 23/10/2019 18:48

What kind of arsehole tells their hurting wife that they are EXCITED ffs!

This shows a spectacular lack of empathy and total selfishness!

I'm glad you've found your anger and spark, you will be fine - him I'm not so sure about Wink

Alwaysgrey · 23/10/2019 18:53

I’ve just read your thread OP. So sorry you’re having to suffer at the hands of this total dickhead.

As has been said already take joy in the small things. He is not deserving of you at all.

My ex left after 10 years (turns out for someone else). He still loved me, I was his best friend. He decided to drop the bomb the night of a big operation. I got home in agony and packed all my stuff, got in my car and left (we rented his relatives house). And I cut all contact. It ripped me apart (and we had no kids so this was simpler than it would’ve been otherwise). Please let yourself cry when you need to. But remember he’s not the man you thought he was. Strangers on the internet are talking to you much more kindly than your ex husband. Be kind to yourself. We’re all here rooting for you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/10/2019 19:39

RTWT and what sticks out for me is your post she understands him in a way that I never have. He says they haven’t slept together but have a very deep and powerful friendship.

Some experienced Mumsnetters predicted an OW from the start. And, as is so often the case, they were spot on.

He must be furious with you, OP. The happy couple presumably planned to announce that, having been platonic friends, they'd developed feelings for each other after their marriages broke up, thereby avoiding any blame. You've completely blown that out of the water. You're on to their game and he can't pretend his motives were anything but scummy. He's like a dickhead Tarzan, leaping from woman to woman.

Depending on how important his public image is to him, he may find the reactions of friends and family uncomfortable.

Interestedwoman · 23/10/2019 19:45

'I ignored the text from him and instead had a lovely walk and bought a newspaper. I never get newspapers because he always said they’re a waste of money.

I’m also letting the cat sleep on the bed which used to drive him mad.'

Lol! Glad you're finding some upsides xxx

Interestedwoman · 23/10/2019 19:49

'He said that he wasn’t planning on leaving for at least another two years and that I’ve pushed him to make the break sooner because of how I am.'

Just catching up. What a wanker!

'He also told me that he feels like a big weight has been lifted from his shoulders and that he woke up feeling positive for the first time in years.'

Tosser. Hugs xxxxx

Original poster
At17 · 23/10/2019 20:05

I think you may all enjoy this one. After not responding to his message this morning, I have just had another saying that he "can't believe" I didn't reply when he'd poured his heart out to me and he hopes I'm not going to make things difficult between him and the children.

Honestly, I have never rocketed between sadness, anger and almost hilarious disbelief as I am right now.

OP posts:
feelinghelplesstoday · 23/10/2019 20:10

@At17 I'd be inclined to text back and say "sorry text someone who gives a fuck because I'm all out of them". What a complete knob jockey!!
Pour yourself a large glass of wine, switch your phone off and enjoy having complete command over the remote control xxx

JoyceJeffries · 23/10/2019 20:13

I wouldn’t respond to that either. What a self absorbed tit!
Your DC are 13 and 15 and you don’t have to facilitate their relationship with their dad in anyway shape or form. It’s all down to him how well they all get on in the future.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2019 20:13

Reply- "I can't believe you're such a dickless piece of shit."

ValidVictorian · 23/10/2019 20:14

Send him this:

Mum45678 · 23/10/2019 20:15

Oh man, he is totally deluded isn’t he?
He has made difficult for him and the kids, you have done nothing wrong. The bare faced cheek of some of these men.

DPotter · 23/10/2019 20:15

t's most certainly all about him, isn't it.

Think his 'freedom balloon' needs popping - he has 2 children, who are on the cusp of puberty and young adulthood and he has to show them how to behave like adults. Ask him how he proposes to meet that responsibility

HUZZAH212 · 23/10/2019 20:20

I wouldn't reply and get drawn into it. He's obviously bored and looking to engage in a text war where he can boost his feelings by trampling yours. Presumably his 'new best friend' has plans tonight so he's at a loose end. Has he left to stay somewhere else yet OP? Sorry if you've already stated he has.

JoyceJeffries · 23/10/2019 20:22

He’s in a huff because you’re not doing the pick me dance. He’s feeling a little deflated that there isn’t more drama going on.

Alwaysgrey · 23/10/2019 20:28

Sorry are you his therapist now? He doesn’t get to pour his heart out to you and for you to take on his emotions. As the DC are teenagers assuming they have phones so he can contact them direct. I would continue with the no contact unless it involves contact about the children. Anything else solicitor. What an absolute dickhead. I’m fuming on your behalf.

HUZZAH212 · 23/10/2019 20:28

Ah I see he went to stay at his parents. I'm sure he'll be livinghisbestboxroomlife# and having many 'adventures', like his mum doing his washing and cooking his tea 🙄

suggestionsplease1 · 23/10/2019 20:29

I wouldn't bother replying apart from about children, house and finances. Everything practical from now on. You will feed his ego, sense of drama, and may say things you regret too - your strongest suit is silence.

Drabarni · 23/10/2019 20:31

When he contacts you again, send a reply stating the kids will be in touch if and when they decide to, as it's nothing to do with you they can contact each other directly.

DianaT1969 · 23/10/2019 20:35

Yes OP, silence from you will annoy him. He'll be wondering what's going on with you and the DC and disappointed there isn't any begging and drama. Don't engage. Have a lovely evening with the DC doing what you want and know that no response is winding him up. Tosser.

TuttiFrutti123 · 23/10/2019 20:39

Wow OP. What a d-bag! That text sounds like it's come from a loved up teenager heading off on his gap year of discovery not a grown man who chose to be a husband and father. He's some guy your ex. I see a future writing trashy novels or as an actor for him - he sure convinced you that he was a decent, loving partner to you and a role model for his children whilst "dying inside every day" and boldly suffering on for years. The neck of him to declare himself "excited" and "positive" for his future when leaving a devastated wife and confused kids in his wake. He'll be in for a shock when he realises that this shiny bright future he has planned for himself full of adventures will just end up just like the life he has abandoned when the reality of work, financial commitments and responsibilities hits him. If him and OW get together he'll just be living the same life with his feet under a different table with two families to support and double the stress.

Since he's so into romanticised cliches and a fan of all that soulmates claptrap how about this more meaningful quote :
"The grass is only greener on the other side if you forget to water your own". That deep and meaningful, powerful connection he has with his female friend has only become that way because he's nurtured and cultivated it with her rather than trying to remove any weeds popping up in your relationship. He could have had that type of love with you if he'd only made the same effort.

The cat on the bed make me laugh and I'm glad to hear you got a good giggle at the script.

Sending strength your way OP. The gloves are off and you've got this Flowers

Derbee · 23/10/2019 20:39

What an arsehole!! He will miss you texting him etc because he can’t recreate your friendship and history with the OW. But he’s made his bed, he can fucking lie in it. If you text back and play along with him, he can move on guilt free, and still get whatever he needs from you emotionally. OW may have just been using him as a crutch to leave her marriage. Let’s hope he finds himself with nobody before too long Grin

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 23/10/2019 20:40

Block him just after telling him to contact you only through a solicitor.

TuttiFrutti123 · 23/10/2019 20:44

Just read the update. Diddums "pouring his (little) heart out" awww, cry me a river!

Sounds like he wanted the pick me dance, drama and begging and he's got a shock that you don't think he's worth it.
Well he wanted his freedom!

TuttiFrutti123 · 23/10/2019 20:48

I'm sure the kids are old enough and wise enough to make up their own mind about what they think of their Dad and I'll bet they are disappointed in his actions this week. He'll no longer be their hero after this stunt he's pulled.

hazandduck · 23/10/2019 21:06

Honestly you have the upper hand the whole time you don’t reply. He’s vying for a reaction and the less you give the more frustrated he’ll become. Ignore him and just let your solicitor contact him. He’s bringing the kids in to the argument now to try and rattle you in to replying.