Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

I don’t think I’m strong at all. I could happily curl up and cry for hours. But the children need me so falling apart isn’t an option. I don’t think I have ever hurt this much in my entire life.

It is the most painful thing that you will be going through. You have your beautiful children that need to know and they will be of great support to you. Explain everything to them as facts and try and keep the emotion out of it which will be hard. They will need to grieve the end of your marriage too. There is nothing wrong with curling up and crying for hours too. Its a necessity to get the grief out.

I know. So remember this pain OP, and remember who caused it. And STAY ANGRY about it.

Strength is not not feeling hurt - it's about feeling hurt and gritting your teeth to get through it.

Focus on the practical things you need to do now as suggested by others in the thread - this will engage and occupy you in a productive manner and put you in the best position to go forward powerfully. Your mind will feel the sense of control from doing them and it will stop you from feeling helpless, waiting for shots to be called by him.

Oh my god op.

Oh he's a predictable little shit isn't he. What an arsehole. Glad you're finding your anger. I'm furious for you. Why are so many of them like this?

Has he spoken to the children ? if so, you need to tell him its EOW, & should he require to discuss this to do it by email. Do not speak to him on the phone, or in person.
He wants his freedom & has left, all the privileges of living in a comfy home were forfeited.
Grey rock is the answer. No emotion, no ranting. Isolate him.

I know what you're going through. Can I just recommend a few things which helped me :

I vowed to myself that I would be dignified and put the children first in all decisions I made (I may have done some silly things without this - acting like the woman scorned translates to 'crazy-ex determined to get revenge' and play into his hands).

I bought new curtains and duvet covers for MY bedroom; I made it my own.

Got rid of any photos of us on display.

I made two lists - one of reasons why he was better out of my life (to include various selfish things to had done in the past). The second list was a bucket list of things the children and I could do together for the next few years. These give you something to focus on for the rocky months ahead (they will be there - it takes a long time to get over a long marriage ending so suddenly).

Strength to you !

Do some more little things for yourself too.
Buy some nice bath stuff, new bed sheets in colours you want, flowers... small things he would not approve of !

I don’t think I have ever hurt this much in my entire life
It is a literal, physical pain that no-one can understand unless they have been there.
Fake it 'til you make it OP.
That's all you can do.
Fall apart when the kids are in bed.
I used to curl up in a corner and sob for hours on end.
When you think there cannot possibly be any more tears - there are!!!
I really feel for you. So so many of us have been there.
Nothing we say right now will make you feel any better.
But please know that it does get better.
The length of time between crying sessions will reduce.
You may go the odd day when you don't cry at all.
And it just starts to get better.
It takes time though OP.
Do NOT believe for a minute that you can just get over this.
It took a good year before I felt like myself again.
Don't rush it. Take your time.
Look after yourself!

I’m so used to us chatting every day, by phone and text. Silly things we’ve seen, things that make us both laugh. And now, just nothing.

I’m crying while he’s so excited.

I’m crying while he’s so excited.

His feigned excitement won't last for long, I assure you. He's thrown a grenade into his own life and he doesn't even realise how shit things are going to get for him. Misery well deserved, I say.

It’s hard getting used to them not being your go to person. I found I reached out to friends more instead and now my friendships have really strengthened because of it so all hope is not lost. I actually don’t have his number on my phone because every now and then I can feel myself slipping.

A friend recommended doing exercise and something nice for yourself every single day I now do yoga every single night after my girls are in bed which means now I’m back to my pre-wedding weight from 9 years ago. I wasn’t much bigger really, maybe a few kgs but I feel so much better and stronger. My ex has put on quite a bit of weight now he isn’t getting home cooked lunches and dinners and largely lives on takeaway or meals out because he is a lazy arse

I agree. He thinks it's all going to be rosy and shiny. I can't believe that he was going to keep this going for another two years before leaving!! That's two years of doing his washing, cooking, cleaning and listening to him moan about newspapers being too expensive that you won't have to do.

It hurts like hell, I remember it well and it was eight years ago for me. Pain like nothing I've ever felt. But I'm out the other side now and happier than ever, single, adult kids and just me and my little dog in my own house. I redecorated as soon as he'd gone and it made the place feel just a little bit more 'me'.

He is used to being king of his castle, with you and the children around.
Now he will suddenly see that being alone is not so much fun.
He is used to chatting to you, and you knowing what he means, he has forgotten he just dumped his best friend as well as his wife and children.

Change his name in your contacts to ‘kids father’ or plain ‘asshole’
Exit any group chat you had with him.
Don’t get sentimental, the old him doesn’t make up for how he is now.

I'd email him the mid life crisis script and any other that apply to him.
Then I'd be putting his texts on sm for all his friends and family to see.
I'm glad you are getting the fire in your belly.
If he wants to try to rewrite history let him try to convince himself, but please show others what a cunt he is, don't let him win.

Tempting to text him back “oh I bloody well understand now! I’m just not buying what you’re selling!”

But I agree perhaps best not to get into it.

BUT don’t believe it - it’s bullshit!

Sort the financial and legal stuff and don’t treat him like a friend - he is no longer an ally!

Don’t lie for him to the children either, he didn’t call - you don’t know why don’t embellish in a way that helps him. It’s not actually doing them any favours, my dd was really upset with me for covering for ex says she wishes I’d been honest from the beginning. Yes in an age appropriate way but honest still.

At 13 and 15 they’ll soon catch on to the reality anyway and they need to be able to have complete faith in at least one of you that they’re not being kept in the dark. My daughter was 10/11 when she caught on and started asking ex some very awkward questions!

Your head and emotions WILL be spinning right now that is normal but be careful what you do and say that he knows about.

Get recommendations from family/friends for a good solicitor (they aren’t all good) you need someone assertive and pro-active and who won’t stand for nonsense from him. This will also hopefully get you some real life support which you do need.

And yes start claim for cms today as they only backdate to when you first claim. Ditto council tax single person discount and any benefits you may be able to claim as a single parent. The sooner you get the ball rolling on these things the better.

“It’s like playing bingo” it’s nuts how close he’s sticking to it - bet he thinks he’s oh so original too! Ha!

So glad you have sensible supportive people in your life. And it goes to show you hopefully given their reaction that people who know you both don’t for a second think you’ve done anything wrong and he is indeed being a selfish prick!

And yes - them coming sniffing around you a few years later is part of the script too in my opinion - mine propositioned me the night before their wedding!

I don’t think I’m strong at all. I could happily curl up and cry for hours. But the children need me so falling apart isn’t an option. I don’t think I have ever hurt this much in my entire life.

That post is what "being strong" looks like. Strength doesn't mean you stop feeling pain or emotion. It means you feel it, but you keep going.

OP - I'm proud of you for the papers, the cat, the kids, everything. You are going to be FINE. I know you're not excited yet, but I am, for you. It's going to get so, so good. For you. Not for him (aww, shame) but for you. You and the cat and the kids.

He really must have been a bit of a pompous twat already, for him to e acting like this much of a TOTAL BELLEND now. Surely?! He must have been carrying the Total Bellend gene, at least. It's kind of him to show you how much of a Total Bellend he really and truly is now, rather than behaving like a lovely man you'd miss.

Good point here @Hasthissoddingnamegonetoo, It's kind of him to show you how much of a Total Bellend he really and truly is now, rather than behaving like a lovely man you'd miss.

Every lie he says about your relationship, every time he blames you for this situation, each text message and cruel word removes him further from the man you knew before. Which hopefully will make cutting him off and distancing yourself right now marginally easier. You are strong, your posts show that xx

Some of these suggestions are very petty and doubtful going to make you feel any better op.

Just keep your head up, hold strong, maintain your dignity, don't bite, and hold your ground on what's best for you. He's doing what's best for him, so you do the same,

Keep strong OP you are doing great. Its hard i know. You’ll grieve and feel terrible but in time you wont. It will pass though its hard to think it will. I thought it was the end of the world when it happened to me but it was actually the making of me!
Take support from friends, be kind to yourself. Do things that make you feel good.
And btw they all say they have something deep meaningful with someone else its all utter shite!
Take care and make sure you eat a little

OP you are doing brilliantly. I've been on MN quite a few years and the sheer cheek of this man child astounds me. What a fucked up cock weasel. I've never seen the like. Well bloody done you

OP, you are so strong, even though you don’t feel it. You’re putting your children first, and that makes you an amazing parent. Unlike Mr Midlife Crisis.
As an aside, this would be an excellent time to —waste money— invest in a winter coat, boots and any other luxuries you may fancy. A restorative holiday - paid up front from the joint account - for next year for you and the dc perhaps.