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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
cloudbusting42 · 23/10/2019 11:11

Lovely stuff At17. You will rise through this.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/10/2019 11:13

If you do reply then 'Fuck off you obnoxious cunt' should cover it! :)

aweedropofsancerre · 23/10/2019 11:15

I would tell him that it is lovely he is planning his new adventures and tell him that your looking forward to seeing your DC EOW as your not taking responsibility for them as you have seen the light and feel you also need a new adventure....... I love how men think they can sod off after years of marriage and think that children are solely the responsibility of the mum whilst he moves on to his new woman

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/10/2019 11:20

I agree with @aweedropofsancerre, tell him you agree, and you're looking forward to your new adventures, so you'll be talking to him this week to make the arrangements with him around 50/50 access/care for the dc to enable you all to benefit from him decision.

I bet a pound to a penny he'll shit himself! Selfish idiot.

Robin2323 · 23/10/2019 11:25

Way to go @At17

Calmly putting yourself first.

No drama just nice, normal things for you.

This will do you the world of good.
Keep at it.

Stay focused.
Stay strong.

Whatever happens you're on your way to becoming a happier person.

While mr selfish (I've got a problem so will blame anyone else rather than take responsibility for it) will carry on with his delusions to the bitter end - unless he's see the light.

litterbird · 23/10/2019 11:29

Good on you OP, what a load of nonsense he is spouting. The one thing I did when mine followed the script is I went total no contact. It was really hard as we went from speaking 3 or 4 times a day and seeing each other regularly to suddenly nothing. It does take the wind out of you. I had two choices...do the 'pick me' dance or walk away with dignity and self respect and let him get on with his mid life crisis. As you may have read in my '4 and half years later' post he wants to 'meet' for coffee as the OW woman dumped him. Stay strong, let him go with dignity, I am so glad you are telling people. You need support around you. He will feel terrible remorse one day.....when you are free, happy and living an amazing life that your children will be proud of.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2019 11:31

Don't be surprised if he tries to come crawling back in full grovel mode when the ow gets bored with him, which she will. Now that everything is exposed, the thrill of the affair fizzles out and dies.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 23/10/2019 11:34

It's lovely to read you've been out for a walk, got a paper and let the cat sleep on the bed! it's often the little things that give us pleasure in a time of crisis.

He is a berk isn't he? Him and his Special Friend having adventures together Grin

Definitely sort out EOW for him seeing the DC. NOT in your home.

Figgygal · 23/10/2019 11:34

Fuuuuuuuck him
Twat

onalongsabbatical · 23/10/2019 11:38

Can he have the children this weekend? I would have thought you deserve a nice break somewhere.

If he's indignant you can just point out that you're only expecting of him what he's apparently expecting of you.

feelinghelplesstoday · 23/10/2019 11:44

Had a little giggle at the cat and the newspaper! It's the small acts of rebellion that will give you joy!
Keep going you are doing so well.
Just something to bear in mind-you've mentioned struggles with your MH. You might find that your MH shows real long term improvement as your husbands behaviour may have been one of your triggers. I speak from experience after coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship (which I didn't realise it was at the time)
Be your own best friend xx

pusspuss9 · 23/10/2019 11:45

Can he have the children this weekend? I would have thought you deserve a nice break somewhere.

This might unsettle the children even more, I think I'd keep them at home this weekend.

0lga · 23/10/2019 11:47

Well done at17. I laughed at the newspaper. It’s these small acts of rebellion that allow us to reclaim our own lives by bit by bit.

Last week I bought myself a hoodie and thought of my ex husband who used to say “ Going for the Prisoner Cell Block H look today are we? “ whenever I wore them. I said a silent “ Fuck you “ to his memory and it felt good.

And before any pompous ass says it, no I DONT go through my life making every decision to spite my ex. It was just a fleeting moment as I looked at myself in the changing room mirror and thought “ Hell no, you are NOT too old to wear a hoodie “. And even if I am, it’s no one else’s business but my own .

SunshineCake · 23/10/2019 11:52

My thought is wait until he confirms he has shagged her then hit him with divorce because of adultery.

fourforksake · 23/10/2019 12:02

At17 i am so sorry you are going through this, i can't offer you and advice except get a solicitor asap. he sounds like a selfish twat and selfish twats usually want to keep the lion's share of everything for themselves.
Flowers Cake Wine

Derbee · 23/10/2019 12:12

@At17 love the newspaper and the cat! There’s a little glimpse into how much happier your life will eventually be without that prick in it.

You’ve had great advice and support here, and you’re handling yourself like an absolute champion. Only thing I’d add, is change the locks. You may well need to sell the house eventually, but you don’t want him to be able to let himself in whilst you’re out. If he needs any of his things, it should be on your terms, not him letting himself in and helping himself to stuff.

Original poster
At17 · 23/10/2019 12:22

He put on a real show of indignant hurt when I said he couldn’t just come and go as he pleased any more. “But I’ve been so good you! This is my home!”

Not any more, it isn’t.

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 23/10/2019 12:25

I believe you legally can't change locks on a jointly owned home but my devious mind doesn't think there's a law against adding and extra deadlock on front and back doors. For security of course.....

MarianaMoatedGrange · 23/10/2019 12:29

Wow! he's starring in his own One Man Show now - The Good Husband, The Special Friend And The Unreasonable Wife Hmm

Meadow1203 · 23/10/2019 12:30

At17 have been following you post and so sorry to hear what has happened, you not so DH sounds like a total dick and utterly selfish. I am loving your last couple of posts, especially the cat part. Keep strong you will get through this. You will get great support here.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2019 12:30

I would put every single thing of his in bin bags and send a text for him to pick them up at the kerb before the rubbish men get to them.

INeedAFlerken · 23/10/2019 12:30

What a prick.

I'd be tempted to post his midlife idiocy text on social media for all his family and friends to see what a vile fecking liar he is.

Get legal advice asap and lock down your accounts. Make sure you know where all the money is. You need to protect you and your kids.

Also make sure he knows that he will have to continue to parent and support his kids. He can just abandon them ... they will need help with school costs and university if that's what they want. Surely he will want them to have opportunities in life, not just himself, right?

0lga · 23/10/2019 12:34

He’s completely deluded, isn’t he?

He actually believes that he can live the life of a single man but still pop in to yours when it’s convenient to have his washing done, eat dinner and see his children. As well as have you listen to his self indulgent bollocks by text and phone.

The more you write about him, the more I’m convinced that you are actually married to my 15 year old son. At least he has an excuse for being a selfish, self obsessed, lazy and self centred arsehole.

hazandduck · 23/10/2019 12:35

You’re being so strong and dignified @At17 Let the cat have his side!

Whoops75 · 23/10/2019 12:42

RTFT
You’re doing great OP
Lots of great advice on here

I think you should tell the kids.
Tell him to contact them on their phones because you don’t want to talk to him.

Take care x