Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this, op. What a douche.

What a fucking prick. He gets to swan off and 'thrive' in his exciting new adventure while you're left picking up the pieces. My parents split up when I was 14 and it was incredibly hard.

If there's any justice in the world he'll end up sad and alone while you'll find a fabulous new man when you're ready to face dating again, and he'll treat you like a queen!

So very soon, he will say he wants to sell the house. (if you have a mortgage ) Just know that as you have children under 18, he can go & fuck himself.
unless you feel downsizing, or moving would be better for you ?
In the mean time, make sure he can't get in when you are out...
Don't let him in, if he wants to see his DC he'll have to take them out/elsewhere. Let him thrive ......... Tosser
Get a good family lawyer, see what you are entitled to, & go for it.
start by claiming back on council tax, CMS, start today, because its starts from the day you apply.

Maybe you should get him some of his inspirational quotes printed onto canvas for Xmas. look after yourself, op.

You could block him from your text messages and WhatsApp, but still receive calls to communicate about the DC.

He’s just trying to assuage his own guilt. Don’t reply, don’t give him any fuel. You’ll feel worse if you reply. He’s obviously not the man you married any more :(

Wow what a cringey text! He sounds about 16!

How lovely that he’s going to be able to find his freedom and thrive What an absolute arsehole.

You will look back on this in years to come and laugh at how awful he is, even though this hurts so much now.

My now ex told me that amongst other things one of the reasons he wanted to leave was because he missed buying his own clothes- wtf?!! He used to ASK me to buy him stuff because he hated doing it himself!

He then didn’t pay me maintenance for weeks as he said he couldn’t afford to and then I found out he’d gone on a short break to Russia with the woman he’d left me for because he’d always wanted to go and felt he “deserved” a break...

You couldn’t make these twattish men up.

And the bellend continues to spout a torrent of crap. You know its all BS At17. Mine said the same, almost verbatim. He was deeply sorry but the very fact that I didn’t realise how unhappy he was made him feel so much lonelier.

My lovely dad told me at the time to try not to internalize any of it. It was one of the most important pieces of advice I received.

Yes, of course, he may "thrive" with his OW.

I have just this minute found that mid life crisis script. It’s like playing bingo! That’s given me a laugh at least.

I have been following your post At17 and thinking of you through all this . A similar thing happened to me but we had no children . I hoped that in your case the OW scenario wouldn’t apply . It’s incredibly painful for you and believe me falling out of love with someone is a relief after they have put you and your teenage children through so much .
In my case my ex was on a total ego trip - told me that these days one should gratify ones desires as life was too short . But could we stay friends ? Double speak for don’t makes any waves please .
You will feel better . Concentrate on staying calm and getting the best deal possible for yourself . I think it was a shock to my ex when this particular worm turned .
Love and hugs x

Good god, he's a self righteous prick!
Ignore all his crap.
He's leaving now because he has the OW who has also left her relationship.
Make some calls today OP.
Solicitor is your first stop.
Council to let them know you are a single adult and your council tax will be reduced.
Do you work full time?
Can you cover the mortgage and bills on your own?
Look at the child maintenance calculator and find out how much he should be paying.
TELL EVERYONE!!!!!!

Oh op I've just read the full thread. What a cunt. I'm so sorry

Wow, I am speechless.
He’s a cunt, and that’s a word I’ve never typed before.

Send him a crying laughing emoji and then ring a solicitor.

Another voice to support no contact with him, he is justifying to himself what he has done by seeing you as also responsible for this. You may be feeling that he was never malicious before so maybe there is some truth in this but you need to stop that train of thought. He has had ample time during your marriage to discus his feelings and to work with you to make things better but he chose not to and has thrown this bomb into your families life and it is all of his doing. Don't try to see things from his point of view at the moment as you need all your energy to protect yourself. Get angry at his betrayal towards you about letting things get to this point. He had a responsibility to share his feelings and he didn't 💐💐

You are a strong woman OP and you will get through this.

You now need to focus on the practicalities, for your children’s sake. Your top priorities need to be

1. Ensuring stability for the kids
2. Your own mental and physical health and well being

What he wants, how he feels, what OW is like, what he thinks is fair and keeping him happy need to be WAY down the bottom of your list. Do not I repeat NOT get drawn into thinking/ obsessing about this right now.

You need your energy and focus on action . Remember he’s had years to plan this , he’s a long way ahead of you.

Take 3/4 of the money out of any joint accounts TODAY ( because you have 3 of the 4 people in the family to care for ). Move it to an account in your own name in a different bank ( not just a different branch ). If your solicitor tells you later than you should only have taken half, you can always transfer it back.

Make an appointment with a solicitor ASAP.

Get copies of all financial and legal documents.

See if you are entitled to any benefits.

Notify council tax and apply for single adult discount.

Tell the kids that their dad has left because he doesn’t want to be married anymore. They are old enough to suspect this , so at least be honest with them.

Let their school know you have separated in case the kids are upset in school. They will be supportive.

Tell any friends and family who will be supportive that he’s left you for OW. Don’t contact his family.

Don’t talk to any family or friends who are unsupportive. If they contact you, just say it’s too hard to talk about it right now.

Don’t listen to any victim blaming talk, there’s plenty time later to sign up for counselling / therapy to analyse what went wrong and when. This isn’t the time. You need only helpful people in your life right now.

It is a convoluted bit of thinking that makes him the victim and the hero in a set of events where he is clearly being a selfish child.

Take back some control and get a good lawyer.

You will have the last laugh in this, I promise. He will eventually realise the grass was never greener and see what he has lost. He is a prize shit. I just hope that your new normal is better than you ever dreamed and that one day you will be glad he left. Take care.

I dont understand why, if men aren't happy, they dont just leave. Marriages break down, you fall out of love with each other.

I was with my partner 29yrs and wasn't happy I left him, its not difficult.

I read somewhere men are like monkeys, they wont let go of one branch until they have latched onto another....so true!

So he thinks he deserves all these 'new adventures' does he?

He'll find out soon enough that, however hard we try to run, we drag ourselves along with us. The grass really isn't greener, it's just the same old grass, sometimes we fertilise it differently, that's all.

You will have to stay stable, for the sake of the children, keeping life on an even keel (rather than 'living life' and 'making adventures' and all the other Facebook friendly crap he is spouting), and you will come out of this a happier person. He is going to descend into a spiral of always trying to look as though this new shiny life is the best thing EVAH...

So he gets his new life and adventure eh??? When do you get yours? I guess his dc don't factor into his new adventure and you're just supposed to suck it up and look after them on your own. What a complete and utter cunt

I have just this minute found that mid life crisis script. It’s like playing bingo!
Print it up, tick off all the ones he has said and give it to him. Let him know you're not taken in!

I ignored the text from him and instead had a lovely walk and bought a newspaper. I never get newspapers because he always said they’re a waste of money.

I’m also letting the cat sleep on the bed which used to drive him mad.

Plus, I’ve let about twenty people know and they’ve all basically responded with ‘what a selfish prick’ so it seems it’s only him and his special friend who think he’s being a big brave man.