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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says we’re over

999 replies

At17 · 20/10/2019 14:06

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

OP posts:
Mum45678 · 22/10/2019 22:39

The script. It’s classic. Mine followed it down to a T. He even sent me a 4000 word blaming me for everything and asking me to tell him where I went wrong. I actually finally responded the other day that I never needed 4000 words, just 4 - I married a fuckwit. He said he never wanted to get married too. Except we got married twice and he only stopped asking me to get married for a third time within the last year.
He told me I should have been over my PND - two children born close together who I had zero family help with. He could only open up to her about his problems, even though I spent months asking him why he was taking out his anger on me and the kids.

It’s just utter, utter bullshit. Gaslighting, blameshifting nonsense designed to destroy your self esteem.

I wholeheartedly agree with Olga’s post above about how much I don’t miss him. He did all of the above and more. My children and I are so much happier without him. There are moments that are hard but we are such a tight unit now and despite being young they know who has their back. He calls them a couple of times during the week and they really aren’t that interested in talking with him a lot of the time now. I encourage them to be polite of course but I don’t force them if they aren’t keen.

Massive hugs to you OP.

Jojowash · 22/10/2019 22:58

You need him to give you a reason. It's not much to ask.

Derbee · 23/10/2019 03:56

^ totally disagree with this. You don’t need anything from him. Stay as strong as you can in front of him, and cry when he’s gone. What an absolute twat. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP. You’ll go through a series of shocks where you won’t even recognise the man you married. But like PPs have said, you WILL be fine in the end. Better than fine. Come back here whenever you need a boost.

andrea11745 · 23/10/2019 04:06

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Robin2323 · 23/10/2019 06:01

very close and she understands him in a way that I never have.

No she doesn't.

All she knows is - here is a man
Who couldn't have a successful relationship. Who when he had problems couldn't sort them out like a mature and responsible person and used an affair as a distraction.

This is not not true love.

The grass is not greener because you take all your problems with you.

He won't see this yet - but he will.

Don't believe anything to hear and only half the things you see.

It's a horrible time but you will be ok.

Original poster
At17 · 23/10/2019 06:13

I’ve just woken up to a long text message from him saying, amongst other things, that he feels like I deserve total honesty now. He’s needs his freedom and thinks that he’ll be a much better dad to the children without feeling so trapped and resentful all the time. That I’ve made it impossible for him to have the adventures he’s craving and that now he’ll have the freedom, it will make everything easier for all of us.

He says he’s deeply sorry but the very fact that I didn’t realise how unhappy he was shows how much of a disconnection we have had.

He thinks this is the beginning of a really exciting time for us all and that once I’ve had time to get used to it, i’ll understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
At17 · 23/10/2019 06:18

He said that he wasn’t planning on leaving for at least another two years and that I’ve pushed him to make the break sooner because of how I am.

OP posts:
minesagin37 · 23/10/2019 06:27

What a cu*
he is op. He has totally turned this round on you! Please see that he's a totally spineless wan*

This went bold for some reason. Ignore the bold!

MyOtherProfile · 23/10/2019 06:29

Ignore his text. Don't reply. Have you got a solicitor in place? Make sure you have all the paperwork together that you need. And don't take on board any of the crap he is telling you.

KatherineJaneway · 23/10/2019 06:30

He’s told me it’s all my fault. I don’t understand him, he’s had to support me too much over the years, he’s wanted to leave for ten years but only just found the courage. That he would have left before but was worried about my mental health so stayed out of pity. That he feels like he’s been dying inside every day.

This is his lie to try and justify the affair and how he is acting. It's all bs but he has to say these things and believe them so he can fool himself into thinking how he is acting is ok.

So sorry you are going through this Flowers

Original poster
At17 · 23/10/2019 06:37

He also told me that he feels like a big weight has been lifted from his shoulders and that he woke up feeling positive for the first time in years. He knows that with time i’ll feel the same and that he’s not just doing this for himself, he’s doing it so that I’ll get the chance to thrive too.

I’ll get on with that thriving right after I’ve got the children up for school, told them that no, I don’t know why their dad didn’t call to say goodnight but he loves them very much and probably got caught up with something extremely important.

OP posts:
Original poster
At17 · 23/10/2019 06:39

I just want to say thank you to everyone on this thread for giving me this space to vent and all your words of empathy and advice. I honestly feel a little mad right now, my emotions are cycling at a rate of knots and being strong for the children is so tiring.

I may not be responding to every message but I’m reading and appreciating them all, that I promise.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 23/10/2019 06:41

He is a selfish cunt.
Sending you my best wishes op Flowers

MyOtherProfile · 23/10/2019 06:56

he’s not just doing this for himself, he’s doing it so that I’ll get the chance to thrive too.
Oh bless him. Did you realise you were married to such a philanthropist? Nope, I bet.

Don't cover for him too much with the DC. He needs to take responsibility for his own relationship with them. Did you already say how old they are? Sorry if I missed it.

MsDogLady · 23/10/2019 07:00

It sounds like he is trying to convince himself that he is not the massively selfish and entitled loser that he is.

AgathaF · 23/10/2019 07:08

Deep and powerful friendship - how depressingly predictable.

He's being cruel now and will continue to be. You need legal advice as soon as possible.

Original poster
At17 · 23/10/2019 07:22

Our children are 13 and 15 so not tiny ones.

OP posts:
Mum45678 · 23/10/2019 07:35

Can I encourage you go no contact with him? He will keep trying to justify and blame you and it’s just awful.

Tell him you don’t want to hear about him unless it is regarding arrangements for the children or about your separation. Also, put in an arrangement that suits you for when he can see the children. They are much older than mine so it may be a case of being up to them and him to sort out.

HeyNotInMyName · 23/10/2019 07:37

How dare he make it all your fault as if he didn’t have anything to do with the situation.
How dare he say your stopped him from having adventures he is craving’. Like what? Being unfaithful to the person he got married with?
How dare he say ‘this decision is for you to feel free again’? Well maybe he is right here. You WILL feel free from someone who stayed and didn’t love or like you. And THAT will, in time, be a big weight off your shoulders.

Kit19 · 23/10/2019 07:49

God has he been on here & read the midlife crisis break up script or something? I mean this is almost word for word

I agree with the others who say no contact. He’s made his choice to be not your husband so your role is no longer that of wife. You don’t have to nod along & stroke his ego & agree with him.

God I am RAGING on your behalf!! What a predictable twat he is!!

onalongsabbatical · 23/10/2019 07:50

See a solicitor, ASAP. Don't agree to anything he wants or suggests.
Flowers for you OP. You sound so very strong. It's such a terrible thing to go through. Keep talking to us.

JoyceJeffries · 23/10/2019 07:53

Please don’t even bother replying to his self pitying whine.

He desperately wants to be seen (even in his own head) as the good guy. Not someone who dumps his wife and kids for the oh, so predictable midlife crisis affair.

MyOtherProfile · 23/10/2019 07:56

You don't need contact with him now. He can make direct contact with the children (but make sure they know they can talk to you about any of it) and any other contact can be throughout your solicitor.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/10/2019 08:02

You are getting the fire in the belly that you need to deal with this.

Mascarponeandwine · 23/10/2019 08:04

Don’t reply. Get a shit hot solicitor today.

He’s just feeling guilty and trying to justify his actions to himself. You owe him nothing. You do however owe yourself and your kids the very best settlement you can get.

This was his choice. His. No one else’s. It’s time you put you first now.