Husband says we’re over

[At17]

My DH has told me that he no longer wants to be married to me. We have been together for over twenty years and have two teenage children.

I’m in shock, I think. A few weeks ago we were making plans but now he says he hasn’t been happy for years. I honestly thought we were. Not perfect, married life isn’t always fun and games but we were a good team.

He wants us to stay living together for a while until he figures out what he wants to do. I find the thought intolerable, to be honest. At the same time though, the thought of telling the children and him moving out feels intolerable too.

This has come as a surprise to me and I think I just need advice from people who have been through it and reassurance that the children will be ok in the end. I feel like I’m failing them so badly.

Hand hold for tonight OP. Once he is out of the house and the kids are in bed you'll get time to grieve the relationship and future you thought you had. The floodgates will probably open but it's good to let go of all that emotion and let it all out without feeling you have to bottle it up to protect him.

Wise words on this thread from many others who have been through it and come out the other side so much happier.

You can do this OP

At17 I feel you. My husband and I split 2 days ago over something trivial but it's definitely done now. I'm heartbroken for myself and our 18 month old.

I just want to fast forward a year and I bet you do too.

Do the things that make you feel stronger, whatever they are. Think about what YOU need - not him.

Sending strength to everyone else going through this.

Sadly, I think that everyone on here saw I couldn’t/wouldn’t. He and his friend are apparently very close and she understands him in a way that I never have. He says they haven’t slept together but have a very deep and powerful friendship.

Oh @At17 he’s tragically predictable it would be laughable if it wasn’t so unbearably tragic for you & your DC

Is he going tonight?

I’m so very very sorry you are going through this xx

It didn’t take long for his nice guy act to vanish. What an arsehole.

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Husband says we’re over283Show OP
Today 17:550lga

Being maried for 20+ years has made you forget how LOVELY it is to live by yourself, or with your kids. It is BLISS. Men are boring AF to live with. All they do is watch TV. But living alone with DC is heavenly. Really

This is exactly how I felt, after I got over the worst of the shock. I think it took me about 6 weeks to realise how much better my new normal was.

I hadn’t realised how much TIME I spent

Listening to him talk about his work issues
Helping him solve his work problems
Doing his share of the housework and parenting so he could work in the evenings and weekends
Watching TV HE liked so we could spend time “ together”
Having “family “ days out doing things HE liked but the kids didn’t
Having to make sure the kids behaved on these days out so he didn’t sulk
Having “ family holidays” where he went off to do his hobby and I watched the kids
Eating food HE liked but I didn’t
Visiting and hosting HIS family
Tidying up his mess, washing and ironing his clothes
Having sex I’d didn’t particularly want at times I didn’t want it
Organising my ENTIRE LIFE around him and his wants

Once I let go of my fantasy life I discovered that I liked my new life ( me and the kids ) much better

^^this is so so soooo true. OP IT will get better

Sorry did not mean to copy the whole page

I hope he's gone OP? You need him gone, not to be listening to tell you about his deep friendship with OW friend.

Oh OP, sending you love and strength. I’m so sorry it has turned out to be this but he has turned nasty so quickly. It is better that you know he has gone to her so that you can start playing hardball.

I must say this post gladdens my heart. Because a man has left his wife? No. Because I'm loving all the sisters coming together to lift this OP up with words of comfort strength and support - as well as invaluable clear-headed advice. All aimed at protecting the OP. This is where Mumsnet is at its very best in times of need.
I have come to this post late - but my heart breaks for you OP. But you're a brave intelligent and strong woman. After the shock and grief clears, pick yourself up and hold your head high as you move forward out of the storm and find your inner strength and dignity restored as you begin a new life where you only rely on you.
Sending huge hugs your way brave lady.

He is being so hurtful and dismissive of your feelings. Let's see how happy he and his friend will be when the dust settles and they view the devastation they caused. Keep finding your anger OP and know that this time will pass.
You have two children who love and need you. You sound like a genuine, loyal, lovely person. Know your worth.

They are and have been sleeping together for a while. The majority of people (especially men) do not leave a marriage unless they have someone else lined up.

I am so angry for you. What was it he said when you asked him the first time? Hurt indignation. FFS what a cunt. At least tell the fucking truth.

You deserve so much better. Please tonight get copies of all his finances (P60, bank statements, wage slips, pension, everything you can, take good pictures with your phone) he will screw you and your kids over, despite any empty promises he makes. Open an account of your own and transfer half of any savings/whatever is in the current account.

When is he leaving?

Wish you all the best.

It's one of those times when you just wish everyone could have been wrong, that he was having a MH crisis and just needed some time and space.

Unfortunately, he's just having a stereotypical midlife crisis instead. Ah well, he'll find out that the grass isn't really greener. The guilt and sheer logistics will probably be his downfall. Whereas you, @At17, will go from strength to strength once the shock wears off. Promise.

hes a ray of sunshine isnt he.

OP get ANGRY

they have been sleeping together for a while. most men dont leave to be on their own. they always have someone else lined up

Mine did pretty much the same and really regretted it, kept coming back over and over but had to put my foot down and say stay gone. His life is a right debt ridden mess now.
They seem to go through a stage like this and quite often regret it.

It won't last.

Hold your head up.

What a 'tosser'

OP, I feel so much empathy for you.

Please do not buy into the vicious guff that he is spinning and spewing to justify his sudden abandonment of his family and infidelity with this OW. They have been having, at the very least, an Emotional Affair, which is cheating. He is likely minimizing about the extent of their involvement.

This adult chose to marry you. He chose to spend 20+ years building a life and having a lovely family with you. If he had issues, he had ample time and a range of ethical options to use to work through them with you.

He is rewriting, lashing out, and shifting blame in order to create emotional distance and validate his appalling behavior. He is a liar and a cheater. He and OW have decimated two families. He will live to regret his shameful treatment of his devoted wife and children.

Visit a solicitor as soon as possible. Consider seeking the support of counseling to help you move through the grieving process. You need a safe place to express your feelings and clarify your thoughts.

You and the children will gain strength and you will be okay.

I don’t have any wise words for you Op. But hope you get some comfort from this thread. Lots of strangers who you will never know are thinking about you and holding your hand.

Thinking of you, OP.

My sister went through the same he followed the script that everyone else on here has referenced. But I will tell you now, he is miserable whilst Dsis is stronger, more independent, happy and has more free time to socialise/go away with friends/travel etc than she ever would have if she was still with that useless prick. Her kids are happy and loved. And this same person just 5 years ago was broken and told me she wished she was dead. It feels so bleak now but it gets better I promise xx

@At17 I am so sorry you are going through this but believe me you will come out of this stronger and you will be happy again. You will find reserves you didn't know you have. Your children will be ok too-they have their mama bear.
I noticed you mentioned Christmas.
My first Christmas as a single mum I let the kids pick what we did-we stayed in pjs all day and ate a variety of food they picked. We still had a tree and did presents but the rest was up to them. It was a brilliant day with no pressure because we wrote the rules.
Sending love and hugs and we are all here when you need us xxx💐

He's absolutely sticking to the script

He's now at "deny deny and deny again"

Mine denied even after her pregnancy appeared! It was fucking insulting how stupid he thought I was, even tried to crack on that the baby was premy when born (with baby being 8.5lb plus and both discharged same day I don't bloody think so!)

I got a drunken confession 8 YEARS later, was so weird! He had an attack of guilt (health scare) and called me and it ALL came out. Most of it I knew but some I didn't and it was really shocking. Part of what came out was that they (he and ow) were miserable together but felt trapped together, I'd heard some of this from mutual friends too.

Early on in the whole mess I'd been led to believe by him all was rosy and happy. My confidante said at the time that was very unlikely to be true but it's very hard to disbelieve this stuff when your being told every week they're loves young dream!

Turned out that her sister massively fell out with her and didn't speak to her for a year, his parents wouldn't have anything to do with her, her parents? Apparently her dad belted him one for getting his (in his eyes) innocent daughter knocked up by a married man, his eldest brother gave him a bollocking, his sister said she was ashamed of him and his youngest brother (they're all older than him he's youngest of 4) told him to quit whining, grow up and take responsibility for the mess he'd made!

So...whatever his family say to you or what he says to you about how wonderful it's all going be VERY aware that what you're likely getting is a sort of marketing campaign!

My ex now has 5 dc with ow/2nd wife and even that was presented to me as all "fiiine" but apparently both sets of parents have their ideas about why they've had a large family and the timing of those dc and those ideas are not positive!

So do not be under the mistaken impression that his life is now going as he wishes.

She’s the ow. “Deep and powerful friendship”.....right.....

Get your finances in order and if you have a joint bank account move your half of the funds out.

Your kids will learn he’s a coward and a liar soon enough.

Best wishes OP. When I went through this it was actually the making of me. I feel stronger now, in so many areas of my life, than I ever have done. I know who I am, I know what I will not tolerate, and I maintain my love, care and kindness for everyone around me. But my ex is no longer around me and I will not let them back in again.