Kids aren’t stupid! My dd was very young when we split and I (wrongly I think in hindsight) took the “don’t speak ill of the ex” to a bit of an extreme. As she got older she very much got ex’s number and when she was doing human reproduction at school (and again Mea culpa as I should’ve realised what would happen here) she worked out her eldest half sibling was born just 7 months after ex and I split and she was FURIOUS! Not only with him (although mainly with him) but also with me for not being honest with her. Very difficult all round.
Kids hear things, they work things out, they notice behaviour.
I’ve seen it on here too, people in that situation and the kids are older and they really don’t buy dad moving in with someone he’s just met claiming a whirlwind romance etc, I’ve even read posts by now adult mners who were the children in these scenarios who even though nobody specifically told them at the time they worked out mum/dad had cheated and that was why parents divorced and they had it confirmed when they reached adulthood.
So, no you don’t character assassinate your ex to your kids but you don’t sanitise and sainthood them either! It’s finding an honest balance that seems best.
10 years? Bullshit! No way has he been unhappy that long without saying a bloody word to ANYBODY especially you.
DO NOT stand for his blaming you! That’s because he feels guilty - which he should - and he’s trying to assuage that guilt!
“He told me that he never wanted to get married, that I pushed him into it.” More bullshit! Mine tried this one too - even his own mother called him on that! Did you hold a gun to his head? I very much doubt it! He was a grown ass adult with agency nobody forced him into marriage and nobody forced him to stay married either!
At the time I wasn’t on mn (wish I had been!) but I did have a confidante of an older generation who was very wise and experienced and told me this is what all cheats do/say she’d seen it umpteen times with her friends/family, her husband was lovely and faithful but she’d seen and heard of this loads.
I was so hurt at the time and analysed what I’d done/said and felt guilt at some things (ex was VERY good at twisting certain events/comments I’d made) but...
Since my own split many of my peers have also gone through splits and where there’s been infidelity (whether by man or woman) the cheaters really do follow the script! It’s both shocking and predictably boring! To the point that now when friends/family say “stbx said x” I pretty much instantly think “there’s an ow/om there” and I’ve yet to be wrong in over 30 examples! I don’t always say so, it depends how close I am to the person and their personality whether it’s worth risking being the messenger that gets shot! A good few times when I’ve decided to keep schtum the person has come to me at a later stage and said “you knew didn’t you” and I’ll simply say I suspected but as I’d no proof I didn’t feel I should say anything.
To this point none have had a problem with what I’ve decided to say/not say so hopefully that means I’m making the right decisions.
PLEASE though bear in mind that his assuaging his guilt on the cheating ALSO means he feels he is the injured party and will treat financial matters accordingly, if you’ve any joint accounts you REALLY need to make sure you withdraw any of your money from them and have a separate sole account and have your wages and any other income paid into that ASAP.
PROTECT YOURSELF FINANCIALLY AND LEGALLY BECAUSE HE IS NO LONGER YOUR FRIEND!