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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband just slammed a door on me repeatedly

387 replies

WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 10:00

Trapping my wrist, bruising and cutting it.
In front of the kids no less.

H and I have been together for 21 years, he's never raised a hand to me or even come close.

We moved out of our house into a tiny gritty nasty flat while we buy a house. No one wanted to, we all hate it but a long boring back story means we have no choice.

DH is a miserable arsehole every Sunday. I don't know why but he is, he speaks to us all like shit until the afternoon when nice DH comes out.
We're all sick of it. Knowing we were going to be in a tiny flat this weekend I offered for him to stay at hotel, I would pay, we all get a break.
He said he would stay at a friends tonight.

Instead he has extended his Sunday arseholeness to Saturdays.

We had a minor dispute about some medicine while he was holding the baby.

He then flipped out and slammed the kitchen door in my face - literally. I tried coming out and he kept slamming it shut, catching my wrist and slamming it again still.

I got out and I try getting the baby off him but he's pushing me, hard. I start to panic as he's holding the baby and I hit his arm. He then puts the baby in the sofa but towers over him so I can't pick him up.

I'm panicking and shouting at him to give me the baby and get out.
I pick up the remote control and hit him on the back repeatedly until he gets away from
The baby.

I pick the baby up and tell him to get out. My voice is shaking and he mocks it.

He eventually agrees to go after a torrent of lies.
He said he slammed the kitchen door because I started hitting him. That all this was because I kicked his clothes this morning (I did neither, there were no clothes and I was putting meds back in the fridge when he slammed the door, fridge and door directly next door to each other) he shouts that it's all my fault that he is the way he is.

I say fine, it's all my fault, I tried to fix that by giving him us a break in a hotel. But now he's still like this.

He took my door key so I couldn't lock him out.
To said I would take the kids to a hotel and he chucked the key back

I've now locked him out.

Fuck sake.

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:29

you dont have to call the police op
do what you think is best

EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:32

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EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:33

so what will happen now you have locked him out?

FleetsumNJetsum · 19/10/2019 11:33

he shouts that it's all my fault that he is the way he is

He sounds like a proper misogynist:

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

You don't have to live like that, OP

scrappydappydoooooo · 19/10/2019 11:34

Ok, so you don't want to call the police. Can you call someone you know and trust and tell them. A friend or even better a family member you trust. Your Mum or Dad. Someone. If you don't tell anyone what has happened, it won't quite be real. He'll come back, you'll be mad. he'll apologise, you'll eventually let him back it and the fact that you told no-one means that you think it can all be ok. No-one has to know. It was a blip and you can all move on.

If you call people up now and tell them what has happened you can change that. Make it real. Make it so that you can't slide back into what really and truly is a very, very dangerous situation for you and your children.

EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:34

does he drink alcohol?

EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:34

agree with talking to someone op.
get it out in the open

glitterfarts · 19/10/2019 11:35

Thing is, it is escalating already.
It started with him being grumpy on Sunday mornings.
Then it escalated into Saturdays too.
Now it's escalated into him slamming your wrist in the door.
And this despite you and the children all making efforts to placate him 'walk on eggshells' so it doesn't escalate.
So, yes it will escalate because the abuse is escalating already and it is already affecting your children.
Please contact the police and Women's Aid.

^^ This. He has attacked you in front of your children. What if next time it's your head or neck in the door.

What if he goes to the police and reports you for hitting him with the remote? You know it was self defence but first to report is first to be believed.

Report him. Seek medical care. Show your children it is unacceptable.
Reporting the DV will also trigger access to help, legal aid, housing help, help keeping him away from your children.

If you don't report, you will have to hand them over up to 50% of the time to this volatile monster.

It will get worse. Please seek help. You're worth more. Your kids are worth more.

EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:35

does your wrist need looking at op?

PinkDaffodil2 · 19/10/2019 11:36

If you don’t feel comfortable to go to the police at the minute please go see your GP - tell them what you did, what he did and let them check your wrist over. It may be the first step to speaking to someone in real life, and at least there will be a record of your injuries.
What you did was understandable, what he did was terrible and unfortunately if given the opportunity very likely to escalate. You might need the support of services like the police or SS in the future to keep your children safe, and it will be much easier if you have proof he has injured you, and are seen to be taking steps to protect your children.
Flowers

Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 11:36

If a man was hitting his wife to get hold of the baby you’d all have crucified him!!

I agree. I feel horrific about it.

No he doesn't drink. He doesn't touch alcohol.

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:37

it is his medication?

EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:37

something has to change op. not just telling mumsnet. tell a rl friend

Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 11:38

Medication?

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:39

medicine?

Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 11:40

Sorry I lost what you were referring to, now I realise.

The meds were antibiotics for DC2's chest infection.

OP posts:
TottieandMarchpane · 19/10/2019 11:45

Will he cooperate with moving out?

How are you fixed in terms of the tenancy, equity, future housing?

RolytheRhino · 19/10/2019 11:52

@Sprinkledash By telling OP that she is to blame in this situation, you decrease the likelihood that she will ask for help and thus increase the likelihood of her children being raised under the shadow of domestic violence. She'll already have her abusive partner gaslighting her and telling her it's all her fault, do you think backing him up is helpful? Struggling to see what you're trying to achieve here. Maybe next time he attacks her she should just submit for fear of provoking him further?

No, the response wasn't ideal, but she had just been physically assaulted and had reason to be fearful for her baby. I defy any mother to think rationally in that situation. OP, this is not your fault, not even a little bit. Leave him now so that there isn't a next time. And log it with police (you don't have to press charges) because the existence of the report may help further down the line.

Magicpaintbrush · 19/10/2019 11:52

What he has done is unforgivable.

Just fyi apparently in the eyes of the law if you report an assault after a significant amount of time has passed (can't remember if it's 6 months or a year) the powers that the police have to deal with the person who committed the assault are different than if you report it sooner - their hands may be tied somewhat in regards to what they are able to do, but can do much more if you report it right away. Ridiculous law but that's apparently the way it is (so I am told).

RolytheRhino · 19/10/2019 11:54

Oh, and do not agree to go to couple's therapy or similar- it is not helpful in cases of abuse.

Span1elsRock · 19/10/2019 11:55

I can appreciate you are in shock but you need to report him.

No if's or buts. He did this IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN.

There is no excuse. And the Police will help you deal with him.

RolytheRhino · 19/10/2019 11:56

the police wont help

The existence of the report will. And what is your assertion that the police won't help based on?

RolytheRhino · 19/10/2019 11:57

it is his medication?

does he drink alcohol?

@EleanorReally are you trying to find excuses for this man's behaviour?

EleanorReally · 19/10/2019 11:58

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/10/2019 12:02

Is he on the tenancy? If so, you can’t legally lock him out. This is why you need to report the matter to the police and speak to Women’s Aid / National Domestic Violence Helpline.