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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband just slammed a door on me repeatedly

387 replies

WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 10:00

Trapping my wrist, bruising and cutting it.
In front of the kids no less.

H and I have been together for 21 years, he's never raised a hand to me or even come close.

We moved out of our house into a tiny gritty nasty flat while we buy a house. No one wanted to, we all hate it but a long boring back story means we have no choice.

DH is a miserable arsehole every Sunday. I don't know why but he is, he speaks to us all like shit until the afternoon when nice DH comes out.
We're all sick of it. Knowing we were going to be in a tiny flat this weekend I offered for him to stay at hotel, I would pay, we all get a break.
He said he would stay at a friends tonight.

Instead he has extended his Sunday arseholeness to Saturdays.

We had a minor dispute about some medicine while he was holding the baby.

He then flipped out and slammed the kitchen door in my face - literally. I tried coming out and he kept slamming it shut, catching my wrist and slamming it again still.

I got out and I try getting the baby off him but he's pushing me, hard. I start to panic as he's holding the baby and I hit his arm. He then puts the baby in the sofa but towers over him so I can't pick him up.

I'm panicking and shouting at him to give me the baby and get out.
I pick up the remote control and hit him on the back repeatedly until he gets away from
The baby.

I pick the baby up and tell him to get out. My voice is shaking and he mocks it.

He eventually agrees to go after a torrent of lies.
He said he slammed the kitchen door because I started hitting him. That all this was because I kicked his clothes this morning (I did neither, there were no clothes and I was putting meds back in the fridge when he slammed the door, fridge and door directly next door to each other) he shouts that it's all my fault that he is the way he is.

I say fine, it's all my fault, I tried to fix that by giving him us a break in a hotel. But now he's still like this.

He took my door key so I couldn't lock him out.
To said I would take the kids to a hotel and he chucked the key back

I've now locked him out.

Fuck sake.

OP posts:
Aridane · 19/10/2019 22:28

playing the long game means police, doctor, solicitor (with legal aid for the domestic violence bit) and planning your new life

Let's face it, the joint house purchase isn't going to take place - he's already withdrawn the money

As your mother says, think about the children

Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 22:31

He withdrew 10k.
He hasn't withdrawn the money for the sale, the solicitor still has that.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 22:34

This man could have killed you in front of your children.

That's just being ridiculous. He's never raised a hand to me, he had a baby in his arms and he was slamming a door.

Yes he's an absolutely fucker for doing it, and no less.

But he wasn't going to kill me. He's never been even close to hurting me in the last. Not even close.

One time is one time too many, it is.
But he wasn't about to kill me.

Ridic comment.

OP posts:
MollyButton · 19/10/2019 22:39

You need to call the police and get this reported! Then if you need Legal aid in the future you might well qualify.

This man could have killed you in front of your children.

That's just being ridiculous. He's never raised a hand to me, he had a baby in his arms and he was slamming a door.

You say the previous poster was over reacting - you are massively under reacting. And yes women have been killed the first time their DP has been violent to them.

And if you don't take steps then SS could intervene as you are not taking the abuse of them in: watching their mother be abused seriously enough. You are not acting to protect them.

Phone Women's Aid.

cricketmum84 · 19/10/2019 22:42

OP you are minimising and you know you are.

You have gone from "he kept slamming the door even though my wrist was trapped" to "he just slammed a door"

Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 22:50

Fine.
He just slammed a door repeatedly, he didn't kill me dead.

You're being pedantic with my wording.

I KNOW he was a bastard. He isn't here. I've kicked him out. I'm listening to the posts and what they are saying.

Give me a break.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheChuffJustHappened · 19/10/2019 22:52

Do you know what. Fuck it, I'm hiding the thread.

I really appreciate all the advice and I kept reading and I wanted to keep reading. But posts are making me feel shit now. A shit mum for not acting as quick as you want me to.

So fuck it.

OP posts:
cricketmum84 · 19/10/2019 22:52

@WhatTheChuffJustHappened I'm not being pedantic. You genuinely are minimising his abusive behaviour.

There's a lot of people on her that are seriously worried for your safety!! We are not being mean. We are dating to you exactly what we would say to our daughters in the same situation ❤️

cricketmum84 · 19/10/2019 22:53

*saying

AFistfulofDolores1 · 19/10/2019 23:28

It's a lot to take on board. Please give the OP time and space, those who are pressuring her. (Yes, I know the circumstances are urgent, and, still - give her space.)

GlorianaCervixia · 20/10/2019 03:39

But he wasn't going to kill me. He's never been even close to hurting me in the last. Not even close.

I understand why you think I'm overreacting and I'm sorry you feel pressured. But I think you need to reflect on whether you really know this man and what he's capable of. This time last week you probably didn't think he'd slam a door on you in front of your children.

I think your anger should be directed at him not people here.

Banaleaf · 20/10/2019 03:50

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NotStayingIn · 20/10/2019 04:01

Don’t be ridiculous @Banaleaf.

So if you are in a situation where you are getting attacked and your attacker then tries to get between you and your baby you have to wait till you face your attacker before you can hit back?! You’re talking utter crap.

So no, no-one missed the bit where the OP mentioned that. We just aren’t as scaremongering as you to imply her reaction was in the wrong here.

Banaleaf · 20/10/2019 04:17

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WhatTiggersDoBest · 20/10/2019 04:38

Flowers OP I hope you come back to this thread when you feel up to it. Your reaction later in the thread ("it's just a door" etc) is normal for people who have just gone through a traumatic event. You are in survival mode. Sometimes it's hard to process how bad something is when you've just lived it. I speak from experience. When my ex tried to kill me, I kicked free, barricaded myself in our room and went to bed thinking I would go to college to my exam the next day, then leave in a few weeks when I had enough money. I got woke up at 2 am because he'd called the police accusing me of assault and I had to leave immediately because they didn't believe me as I hadn't called them first and had no marks on me. Thankfully no charges were pressed against me, but nothing happened to him either.

I hope in the light of a new day that you can pick out the good advice on this thread and report him. It's perfectly understandable that you don't want your life to derail right now but it's happening anyway, and you need to move forward with a plan straight away, not in a year or three years' time. I know there's a lot of money at stake with the house purchase but no amount of money is worth this.

From the way I read this thread, no one is saying you're a shit mum, I think people are getting impassioned because they want to help you and are trying to give you all the advice. You are obviously very protective of your babies, that's why you tried to get your baby back from him. Now you need to take the next step and make sure they're permanently protected from someone who crossed a line.

If he comes back, can you get on the council list to get rehoused in a council house instead of renting this flat? As a single mother fleeing domestic violence you would usually have priority and access to emergency housing. Women's aid might also be able to help you with accommodation (I don't want to say too much about that on a public forum but do call them). This could actually be your way out of the damp flat, then you'd have space to heal from this and sort out getting your money back.

Wallywobbles · 20/10/2019 04:54

The thing is if you don't report it you put yourself in a weak position down the line.

glitterfarts · 20/10/2019 06:59

Report to police. This will trigger access to women's aid, legal aid. You then have a free solicitor. You can go into a refuge with your children and be out of the flat.
It'll also help prevent him having unsupervised access to your children.
You'll have access to multitudes of help if you report and be on your own if you don't.

Do you think he hasn't also seen a solicitor?
And found out that if you buy a house in joint names, you'd get about 70% of it if you split? Or that you could get an occupation order and keep him out.
He's shown his hand by taking all your money and leaving you with nothing.
How will you buy food etc for your kids? You're a student!

Please be safe.

NamechangeWhatFor · 20/10/2019 07:06

@WhatTheChuffJustHappened please at least call Women's Aid for some support and advice.
0800 2000 247

AgentJohnson · 20/10/2019 08:12

Op it’s time to take the blinkers off. It’s the blinkers that have allowed you to sleepwalk into this situation, don’t compound it further by making more poor decisions based on him being someone he’s not. Will it escalate? It already has and it will further because he’s already given himself permission to and tiptoeing around a big house won’t change that.

Calling the Police will put him and the necessary agencies on notice of his violence. Yes it will incur hassle but not as much hassle as trying to get people to understand why you might need contact to be supervised etc.

He’s a selfish bully who you can’t keep on trying to manage because you simply do not have control of his behaviour. Once people have given themselves permission to be aggressive arseholes there really isn’t any reasoning with them, you’ve already tried.

Call the Police!

Littlepeak34 · 20/10/2019 08:42

OP is safe. She’s locked him out. She doesn’t want to ruin her chances of getting 50% of the house they’re buying, giving her and her kids a new start and a better roof over their heads.

Give her a break, she wants to plan her next steps, not impulsively call the police. I agree she needs to go to walk in and get it on record and get solicitor advice.

Hope all works out well for you OP.

RolytheRhino · 20/10/2019 08:46

OP is safe. She’s locked him out.

For now, but if they're joint tenants this is actually illegal and can't continue indefinitely.

She doesn’t want to ruin her chances of getting 50% of the house they’re buying,

If they're married, she's already entitled to 50% of everything.

Allergictoironing · 20/10/2019 09:12

Banaleaf do you really not see the difference in repeatedly hitting someone on the back (a well muscled, very well protected area of the body) with a lightweight piece of plastic, and slamming a wrist (delicate structure of many bones, tendons & nerves with no protective muscle or fat) repeatedly in a door?

I suggest you try them for yourself, see which one is mildly irritating & which one causes severe pain & potentially life changing damage.

There's also a difference between reacting strongly in a rage when somebody is doing something innocent (putting things in the fridge) for an alleged incident earlier in the day, and reacting in a panic because someone who has just committed a violent act is controlling your baby.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 20/10/2019 09:20

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myusernamewastakenbyme · 20/10/2019 09:43

@madcatladyforever...do you really think just because you had a great experience with Social Services that everyone else must have too ???

Siennabear · 20/10/2019 10:11

I feel sorry for the children.