Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

.... I'm not. DH just staggered in at 6am.

254 replies

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 06:11

He has a history of relying heavily on alcohol but has been doing better this year after a crisis last Christmas, in which he ended up in A and E. He does still have a regular Friday night outing though.

For the past 2 weeks he's been out late, or so I thought, and so yesterday he assured me that it wouldn't be a late one.

He's just staggered in and been sent upstairs to DS2's empty room (DC are 8 and 7yo - DS2 currently in my bed)

I am so angry, and just plain sick of him and his shit.

I'd appreciate a handhold or some advice on how to manage this please. He is notoriously resistant to accepting any kind of culpability for wrongdoing - I can hear the accusations of controlling behaviour now.

Divorce looking much more real this morning.....

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 21/10/2019 23:08

He's facing the possibility of a life without alcohol and it's made him angry and fearful. If he's really on board with stopping his AA group can help with that.

I'm glad you're seeing a consultant. GI bleeding is never good news and difficult to dx without endoscopy.

I have half a box of Barry's Gold Blend tea here. Can I make you a cuppa? Grin

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/10/2019 23:09

Sounds like you're jumping through hoops again for him. Just different shaped hoops, but hoops all the same.

AnotherEmma · 21/10/2019 23:13

"I'm already feeling bad re tomorrow and the WPUK meeting I've got planned for Friday. Maybe I shouldn't go to that one - it is his standard drinking day, and he disapproves of WPUK to boot (it is a major source of rows)."

Selfish man disapproves of feminist group SHOCKER!

Of course it's a source of rows.
He wants you at home all the time doing all the childcare so he can carry on doing whatever the fuck he wants, absolving himself of all responsibility as usual, going out drinking all night and being hungover the next day.
How dare you have interests and outings of your own!

user764329056 · 21/10/2019 23:13

Sounds as if he’s taking shots at you out of resentment OP and if he’s going to AA to appease you, or because he thinks he has to to hold onto the marriage, it’s shaky ground, hope it all works out, ex was an alcoholic and it’s a minefield

GabsAlot · 21/10/2019 23:15

Shocker alcholic dosnt like women groups

AnotherEmma · 21/10/2019 23:15

I know right?!

theemmadilemma · 21/10/2019 23:17

Another recovering alcoholic here.

If he doesn't find AA suitable - some do, some don't - another poster mentioned NHS Addition services which can also help. Doesn't sound like he had physical dependency, so this is about why he drinks and stopping the cycle.

Actually I can understand part of his behavior, I know I found my first few counselling sessions in prep for detox amazing. Finally people who'd been there, who I could be honest with, who really understood the addiction. It was both scary and exciting. But I was very ready to take those steps. I'm not sure how ready your DH is.

The guilt is clearly there in him - the doing all the chores and house jobs to make up for the discretion. It's guilt driven. Classic alcoholic behavioru.

OkayGoooouuuuuullllll · 21/10/2019 23:19

The WPUK thing is not surprising to me.. of course he doesn't like it..

IamEarthymama · 21/10/2019 23:21

I haven't followed your story or read the thread, which is an MN crime I know 😉, but my heart goes out to you from the tiny part I have seen.

I saw that you plan to go to WPUK meeting on Friday. Please go. There is nothing like being in a room of strong-minded women to bolster your sense of self. If he's going to kick off, make something up, doesn't sound as though you owe him much.

As the child of an alcoholic and having been in a very difficult relationship I want to say, you will know what is best for you and the children and you will get there. Build up that group of women around you who can all support one another in different ways.

I will read the thread I promise, but I wanted to wish you luck

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 21/10/2019 23:32

Thanks all - I would LOVE a cup of Barry's Gold Blend please :)

It's not exactly that he would kick off if I went; more a "Well I was going to go to my meeting, like you wanted me to, but you're going out, so I can't". All true tbf. He tends to fixate on instances where I haven't been entirely consistent and decide that this weakens my entire known position to date. This has left me feeling like I have to carefully spell everything out, all the time. Both he and DS1 then roll eyes, feign inattention, laugh openly etc. But if I don't explain precisely then I hear the "Well you weren't CLEAR, I didn't understand, you should have specified" responses.

God, I can read what I'm writing and it's grim. This is basically me talking myself into a divorce. The sad part is that none of it is exaggerated (at least I don't think so - he'd dispute all of it of course).

I do really want to go to the WPUK meeting, BTW. I have a few MN friends who are going and have been to several before - I love the feeling of being in a roomful of women for whom "what about the men" is not necessarily a routine first thought. It's liberating.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 21/10/2019 23:47

He has the schedule of AA meetings. Go over it with him and decide which he's going to and which he can't for whatever reason. He should try to go to as many as practical at this stage. Even when I was sober for years I tried to go to two a week. It's good to stick to one group in the beginning unless it really doesn't suit him.

I've got the kettle on for you! Smile

I learned about Barry's tea here on MN. It's not a well known brand in the US but I can get it on Amazon.

wildcherries · 21/10/2019 23:50

Definitely go.

Motoko · 22/10/2019 00:53

He's going to use the AA meetings as a stick to beat you with. He'll go to them every night if he can, just because he knows you'll be stuck in the house, unable to go out, and get support of your own. He'll say that either he goes, (because you've told him he has to) or he might slip back into drinking.

He doesn't sound like he's going to the meetings because he wants to quit drinking. He's using them to appease you on one hand, and punish you with the other.

AliciaQuays · 22/10/2019 03:02

Try Al Anon OP
I went because of a sibling and found it really good to support me.

AnotherEmma · 22/10/2019 07:20

Exactly what Motoko said. Every word.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 22/10/2019 07:26

Well I just suggested we set up a meetings schedule and he said he'd like to go to the Sunday night one. I suggested a mid week one would be good too, as every 3 days seems a decent frequency. He got angry and declared that I'm being controlling and medicalising him and that he's not going to accept it.

I do not think I have the patience to put up with this shit. Fuck him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 22/10/2019 07:41

.... And now the top-up conversation in which I didn't shout, didn't snipe but instead made calm logical statements and stuck to my boundaries. He doesn't like that much but can't readily argue with it as it's too obvious he would be unreasonable to do so.

I can see he's struggling. I appreciate that. But bloody hell, it's hard work for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 22/10/2019 07:42

Sorry, this is basically becoming a bit of a journal. If I write it down then I don't have to think about it, I suppose!

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 22/10/2019 07:49

Contessa, you're supposed to be his wife, not his PA and sure as shit not his nurse/support worker/therapist. Drunk or sober, he's a nasty bastard and he very clearly does not love you, respect you, or give a shit about your welfare.

Whether he beats the booze or not (my money's on not) this is not a relationship that gives you anything but misery. Get out. Love yourself enough to get out.

Annasgirl · 22/10/2019 08:03

OP I had to come back and comment again. He sounds like my dad. He joined AA and we realised that he wasn’t a horrible person due to being an alcoholic, he was a horrible person full stop. So he swapped one addiction for another. And used it to not participate in family life and to spend time with people “who really understood him”!!!! Honestly OP, when your kids grow up they will realise, he is just not a nice man.

pointythings · 22/10/2019 08:27

Based on your updates, you have more issues than just alcohol. Put simply your H is not a nice man. You don't have to stay with someone who doesn't live and support you. And his behaviour is already influencing your son. Is this what you want him to learn about relationships? Honestly, being a single parent is fine. You will be so much happier.

BlouseAndSkirt · 22/10/2019 08:36

For you, what will his stopping drinking mean?
Will you have a happy marriage?
Or a more bearable marriage?
Safer childcare?

TorchesTorches · 22/10/2019 08:42

Drinking equals he does what he wants and you have to bend to accommodate this.

Going to AA equals he does what he wants and you have to bend to accommodate this.

Fuck that shit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2019 08:43

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You're getting something out of this so what is keeping you with this man. You are not staying with him for the sake of the children are you?. Fulfilling some need of yours to rescue and or save him?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see similar from your parents?.

What are your children learning about relationships from you two?
Your eldest child is starting to copy his dad's mannerisms so it will be a matter of time before your youngest does the same. This is NO legacy to leave them.

And what Motoko wrote earlier too.

3dogs2cats · 22/10/2019 08:44

Please see a solicitor. Ask all your friends if they have a paying babysitter, or advertise for one. This is classic alcoholic behaviour. My relative would have gone to AA but other people , she said, wanted her dependent and helpless and wouldn’t let her.
I was asked to care for her child while she sorted out the drinking and then accused of exaggerating the drinking so I could take the child.
Of course she drinks now, we all stole her life. He is a manipulator.