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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

.... I'm not. DH just staggered in at 6am.

254 replies

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 06:11

He has a history of relying heavily on alcohol but has been doing better this year after a crisis last Christmas, in which he ended up in A and E. He does still have a regular Friday night outing though.

For the past 2 weeks he's been out late, or so I thought, and so yesterday he assured me that it wouldn't be a late one.

He's just staggered in and been sent upstairs to DS2's empty room (DC are 8 and 7yo - DS2 currently in my bed)

I am so angry, and just plain sick of him and his shit.

I'd appreciate a handhold or some advice on how to manage this please. He is notoriously resistant to accepting any kind of culpability for wrongdoing - I can hear the accusations of controlling behaviour now.

Divorce looking much more real this morning.....

OP posts:
BadSun · 19/10/2019 11:47

How, practically, does one do this?
Me: You need to leave
H: No, shan't

This is not an unusual situation, so I get it. But the upside is that if he acts that way, at least it helps you to confirm that this is not a good man that you want to stay with. Because if a woman says "I want to end our relationship, one of us has to move out, it's either you or it' me and the kids", then a good man will leave. Only a dick would refuse.

DancingDella · 19/10/2019 11:49

Yet another daughter of an alcoholic father here. It ruined my childhood and indeed give me issues to deal with into adulthood until I finally accepted in my late 20s that I didn't love him at all and that was ok- I knew why.
I was so so angry with my mother for not leaving him and getting me away from him. I remember the fear of him coming home drunk vividly and lying in bed with my heart pounding, scared ti even move a finger to draw attention to myself. This is what you are letting happen to your children unless YOU take action and leave. He won't change for you or the children. Alcoholics are too selfish. Leave him, stop extending the ultimatum and just leave.

Greyhound22 · 19/10/2019 11:55

I would try and find a solicitor that offers a free hour clinic OP so you can get an idea of what you need to do. I'm not sure what you can do to chuck him out - but agree he should be the one to leave.

Lilymossflower · 19/10/2019 12:03

Omg kick him out

He is a bad influence on the kids and accepts no responsibility for it

Drabarni · 19/10/2019 12:05

You have children, you said he went to one of their rooms, but child was in your bed.
He is a danger to your children and a drunk, they deserve at least one parent putting them first.
Why are you still with him?

Cillmantain · 19/10/2019 12:10

As a daughter of an alcoholic I would advise you to leave .
My entire memories of childhood are a drunken father and a sad mother.

LakieLady · 19/10/2019 12:17

He won't change all the time you're enabling his behaviour, OP. You need to withdraw, and the only way you can do that is by ending your marriage to him.

Please see a solicitor asap.

littlemeitslyn · 19/10/2019 12:24

Have been sober 34 years , still an alcoholic

pointythings · 19/10/2019 12:35

Widow of an alcoholic here.

It sounds to me as if you have hit your own rock bottom and that is all that matters. I would strongly recommend you find a support group for you - if one doesn't work, look for another. I attend a group which isn't Al-Anon, but even Al-Anon groups differ. It's been enormously helpful and it allowed me to set my own boundaries and then act when they were crossed. In the end I did want out of the marriage and the group supported me in that so that I could do it without loading guilt on myself.

You can't save your husband. You can't make him want to stop drinking and you can't make him stop drinking. All you can do is protect yourself and your DC and I think you realise that.

You have the right not to want to live like this. So yes, work out your financials, talk to a solicitor, initiate divorce proceedings. He will cry, plead, rage and possibly threaten - his circus, his monkeys. Mine threatened to kill me - I called the police and he was made to leave. I hope it won't come to that for you, but for your sake I hope this is your turning point.

I can honestly say that life without an alcoholic in it is infinitely brighter and better.

notsohippychick · 19/10/2019 12:36

You don’t book into AA meetings, you turn up......just wondering if he’s actually read the AA info?

My concern would be hair if the dog at this stage. If he’s feeling rough and you are away, he will drink if he knows you aren’t there to frown upon it.

Take care OP. Xxxx

RhinoskinhaveI · 19/10/2019 12:46

My ex was an alcoholic although I wasn't with him for his worst years, what I remember in particular is the smell in the room after a night of his heavy drinking, it's a weird chemical smell.
Said man is in his late 50s now and in very poor health, he has sabotaged the lives of so many other people, clutching at them as he allowed himself to fall

MrFMercury · 19/10/2019 12:54

He was told about alcohol dependency months ago and so stopped drinking in the house and just goes out on a Friday? This hasn't been addressed at all. Please believe me OP, you and your children deserve so much more than this. He needs to leave, he needs to do the work and then rebuild trust with you and his children. I have seen this personally and professionally, until he takes responsibility both for his actions and his own recovery you can't do anything to rebuild your marriage.
Also I take your point about not wanting to disrupt DCs weekend but if he's bad enough for you to want to leave him I'm not sure you can leave a child with him.

RandomMess · 19/10/2019 13:29

Personally I would start the ball rolling for divorce so he knows you mean it.

He needs to sort himself out if he wants the DC to have contact once you live apart tbh.

I am so shocked that you have a home breathalyser, as in that clearly you've needed one...

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 19/10/2019 14:13

*He has been very resistant to that to date so the fact that he agreed was surprising. I also flatly refused to do the usual dissection of his feelings and insisted that he call the AA. He is hopefully on the phone to them now.

Went to check.... I had to physically call them for him and hand him the phone. *

He's big ready. He's not ready to stop. Same way as you have not been ready up to this point to make the changes needed in you.

Agreeing to get help and actually getting it are two different things.

You made the phone call.
You are considering following his movements and keeping tabs on him.

That's not going to work. You have to stop caring. You have to stop trying to fix him. You need to get to a point where you don't care whether he goes to get help or not because you have made your choice to live your life the best for you and your children.

Waiting around for him hoping he'll change will only lead to heartache. You need to step off the merry-go-round. You need to change your actions and reactions. You're not happy. So make the changes (to yourself) that will make you happy. He may or may not change in response to you, but that shouldn't be your primary goal.

You've been doing the same thing for years. Going round and round on that merry-go-round. You're the only one who can change your behaviour. You have no control over anything else.

You have no control over anything else.

You have no control over anything else.

That's what you need to accept. And it's the hardest part. Going to Al-Anon won't change him. But it will definitely change you.

Flowers please listen to people who have lived through and are living through it. You cannot control him, his drinking, his movements. You cannot.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 19/10/2019 14:14

*Typo: He's not ready! Not, "big" ready!!

AnotherEmma · 19/10/2019 14:30

Wow, you have a breathalyser at home Sad

I agree with HollowTalk and many of the others.

I hope you go to Al-Anon or do whatever it takes to accept the situation for what it is and give yourself the final push to separate, for your children's sake if not your own.

Freddiefox · 19/10/2019 14:49

Op please find your resolve.
Nothing will change, he doesn’t want to change.
You are clinging onto your marriage why? He doesn’t love you. If he did love you he would have made contact with AA himself. But he chose not to. You have taken all the action whilst he has sat there.

Your children are growing up thinking this is normal. You have a breatherlizer in your home. You know this isn’t normal.
You can’t trust him, he can’t help you.
You can’t even leave him in charge of your children. There is no trust.

You are bringing your children up in a disfunctional environment.

What will it take for you to ask him to leave?
Social services?

I know it’s hard, please reach out for help, not in solving his alcohol abuse but in finding a way to get rid of him.

MojoMoon · 19/10/2019 15:57

Just another one to reiterate - you don't "book" into an AA meeting.

It might be another clue that he really hasn't engaged with this at all.

Again, start separating your finances and talk to your wider support network (friends and family) to help you with a transition.

MissConductUS · 19/10/2019 16:11

Long time AA member here. While you don't "book" a meeting, when I read that originally I took it to mean that the AA volunteer on the phone had located a meeting for him and that he had committed to going.

One thing I do agree with, and which you'll also hear if you go to Al-Anon, is that you're really powerless here and have to stop enabling him.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 19/10/2019 16:26

My ex didn't drink all the time but when he did he couldn't put the brakes on. He smashed his face one night so bad it wouldn't stop bleeding. I called an ambulance as I refused to drag our 2 young children out of bed. We picked him up the next day and they were so petrified of his damaged face that when we got home my 4 year old son grabbed his 2 year old sister and some blankets and hid under the dining room table shaking and white faced. There are so many more stories but this one ended it. I don't think things will improve. I lost nearly every weekend to hangovers so we never got family time. I think you need to separate, before his actions damage your children more.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 20:30

While you don't "book" a meeting, when I read that originally I took it to mean that the AA volunteer on the phone had located a meeting for him and that he had committed to going.

That was my understanding too.

Thank you all for the advice and support, it is appreciated. In practical steps, it's my understanding that I need to see a solicitor (quietly like) in the first instance in order to work out the potential logistics. I will keep calm and carry on to the best of H's knowledge. I'll start trying to look at solicitors on Monday. It doesn't help that this comes at the end of one killer work week and the start of another, but I need to get going.

OP posts:
dramaqueen · 19/10/2019 23:18

My sister was married to an alcoholic (albeit a functioning one). Her advice was never to work harder than the addict at keeping them clean.

You are doing ALL of the work, he is doing nothing.

Namechangenecessity · 19/10/2019 23:37

Daughter of an alcoholic mother who lost custody of 3 DC in the 70’s ( when it was almost un heard of for dads to get the kids).

We had sporadic contact through child and adulthood and she died of multi organ failure aged 64, she only lasted that long as she had been resident in a non drinking facility for ten plus years.

Brother is an alcoholic . I have a fear of shouting and domestic strife due to my early childhood.

Currently standing by watching a close friend from school doing the same, drinking herself to death.

Please please take your children out of this situation.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 19/10/2019 23:54

Alcohol abuse is rampant. It touches so many families. Many many families who hide it and keep the secret. Families who are ashamed. Ashamed of themselves. Ashamed of the alcoholic. Just ashamed. People put on brave faces and masks and show a particular side to the outside world. It takes time to build up and it takes time to get to the point where you are ready to leave.

I hope you're OK, OP. It's tough taking a stand. But if you don't change something, then nothing will change. If you don't change what you do, he will have no reason to change what he does.

Mind yourself. Be kind to yourself. Up to now you have made choices that were the right choices at the time. But you now sense the time is coming to step off the merry-go-round. You can only look after yourself and your children. Your husband is an adult and responsible for himself. When you learn to detach from him you will find a freedom. You won't feel the need to check up on him. Because you will accept that you have no power over him or his drinking. It's a tough process, but it's a hell of a lot easier than what you are living right now.

moita · 20/10/2019 00:19

So sorry you're going through this OP. My dad (and his mum) had huge issues with alcohol. His drinking really affected my brother and me during my childhood. He has cut down but I get massive anxiety about him having a drink - I'm 33 and go back to feeling like a powerless child all over again.

He ruined Christmases with his drinking. My mum would get so upset but is also in denial about it. I refuse to spend Christmas day with them because I'm worried he'll start drinking and will get morose.

You sound like a brilliant mum and just think of you and your children. You deserve better and so do they.