.... I'm not. DH just staggered in at 6am.

[ContessaLovesTheSunshine]

He has a history of relying heavily on alcohol but has been doing better this year after a crisis last Christmas, in which he ended up in A and E. He does still have a regular Friday night outing though.

For the past 2 weeks he's been out late, or so I thought, and so yesterday he assured me that it wouldn't be a late one.

He's just staggered in and been sent upstairs to DS2's empty room (DC are 8 and 7yo - DS2 currently in my bed)

I am so angry, and just plain sick of him and his shit.

I'd appreciate a handhold or some advice on how to manage this please. He is notoriously resistant to accepting any kind of culpability for wrongdoing - I can hear the accusations of controlling behaviour now.

Divorce looking much more real this morning.....

DC1's eyerolling and mocking would have me finding a solicitor pronto. He is mimicing his father's behaviour.

Organise a regular, paid-for babysitter on a day that he goes to an AA meeting (mid-week!) and use it as your opportunity to have 1 cast-iron set-in-stone evening to yourself.

As to Friday’s WPUK meeting, I see no issue - he’s not going drinking, after all, so he’s free to stay home (like you usually do).

he's taking every opportunity to get in a dig

Yes, he's in the victim mindset, evading responsibility by casting blame. That shit don't fly in an AA meeting.

from you I'd just have got judginess

Straw man. Making assumptions about how you'd have reacted and using them to perpetuate his victimhood.

"When I talked to them I got understanding"

Of course he gets understanding from a group of fellow-addicts! They've been where he is, they understand the cravings and the lies and excuses addicts make. Along with the understanding, though, come questions: Was that really the whole story? What part did you (the addict) play in what happened? How are you going to change the way you act and react to prevent it happening again?

AA/NA/SLAA/whateverA meetings are not about agreeing that an addict's life is soooo hard, poor them, they can't help themselves. They acknowledge that there are reasons an addict got there, but the responsibility for what happens now is on the addict.

Some meetings are open to non-addicts. Could you get to one that he doesn't go to (so he can't perform in front of the group)? It might help you to see what goes on. It sounds like there are plenty of meetings where you live so there'll probably be a lunchtime one. If you can't get to an Al-Anon meeting, there are some on-line ones.

It's past time to start thinking about safeguarding your future. He might get clean, and if he does you might decide you want to be with him. Just in case, though, there are steps you can and should take even if you can't get to a solicitor yet. Make sure you have some money he can't access, put important documents in a safe place, take copies of bank statements.

He got angry and declared that I'm being controlling and medicalising him and that he's not going to accept it.

Addiction, at its core, is a medical issue. Show him the article l linked up thread about the molecular basis of alcoholism, and this as well:

Alcohol Use Disorder

I can see he's struggling. I appreciate that. But bloody hell, it's hard work for me.

Of course it's hard work for you, but if he manages to stay sober it's better than having him stumble in completely wasted. For him, letting go of denial is a process. He's got to admit that he has an incurable disease that can only be put into remission by abstinence, and he's being dumped by his old friend alcohol, who has been with him for his whole adult life. He's going to be known by his mates as the guy who has a problem with alcohol and can't drink with them anymore.

None of these things are important in the long run, but right now it's a lot of unwelcome mental adjustment and it's making him arsey and defensive. I'm not in any position to tell you what to do about your marriage but I can tell you that the fact that he's admitted he has a problem and is seeking help is huge. Many alcoholics simply drink themselves to death without ever getting that far, as lots of people on this thread have related.

Some really good comments from @ThatLibraryMiss. And I agree about going to an open meeting if you can. Most meetings are open to non-alcoholics. You can ring the same number he called to find out.

And I agree, it's prudent to plan for the worst as you hope for the best.

It's Friday night op, has he gone to a meeting tonight?

How are you doing OP ? I'm following you with crossed fingers.

Hiya - thanks for checking in, and apologies for not updating.

The atmosphere was somewhat frosty until Wednesday evening, when we cleared the air a bit. In retrospect it does feel like I did a lot of talking, and him not much, although it didn't feel that way at the time. He is firm on attending meetings once a week, which I'm not thrilled about but will see how it goes. As I have pointed out, there's nowhere between 1 and 0 (i.e. if your one attendance gets dropped then you don't go at all).

I went out to the meeting last night and it was great - also got a haircut, because decisons to alter your body on the spur of the moment after a turbulent week are TOTALLY the right thing to do. Let the record show that, when my train was late, I did actually get in touch and say where I was/when I'd be back, because communication, bitch.

Basically things have settled down again, which I'm half relieved about (because it was mentally exhausting trying to sift through all the feelings) but also wary of (because complacency, old habits etc). So today I will write down all the names of the recommended solicitors and keep them safe somewhere, and will also be prepared to keep defending my boundaries. I'm not wrong to feel that they are needed.

Kids seem fine incidentally, and were pleased that Daddy didn't go to the pub. So their approbation may help too.

Thank you to all for the support and advice; I am aware a lot of you will be quietly head-shaking on the other side of the screen, but this is my reality and this is how I'm going to play it for now.

Just keep working slowly away to get your ducks in a row so if crunch time goes the exit can be executed easily.

Please get some one to one counselling as well. You need help to decide your boundaries and stick to them.

Is it going to be when he starts drinking again, when he stops going to AA, when x y z ?

Glad the meeting helped you.

You won't get any head shaking from me. I gave my husband the chance to change because I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't. So he did rehab and he didn't properly engage with it and it failed - but I gave it my all. I hope it will be different for you, and I know you will be prepared if it turns out it's not.

One meeting a week is just playing at it, I'm afraid. The addict I'm closest to is over four years clean and goes to three a week.

It's a good idea to go to a few, particularly at first, because different meetings have different feels. Lunchtime NA meetings in the City of London tend to be executives with a coke habit, evening meetings in the East End will be more heroin. I assume that AA meetings, while all alcohol, will have a similar vibe. He'll need to get a sponsor to work through the steps, and he needs to shop around to find someone he's comfortable with but who will challenge him.

NA/AA whatever isn't for everyone. It's got a decidedly religious undercurrent that some people, especially in increasingly-secular Britain, aren't comfortable with. Even if they say "god-as-we-know-him" instead of "god", to include things like life force and Gaia, there's still the assumption that there's something bigger than us that the addict has to hand power to. There are secular alternatives, so don't let that be an excuse for not engaging.

I think he's played you pretty well (he has plenty of practice at playing you so it's not surprising!)

He put up a big fight, tried to stop you going to your event, threatened to go to all the meetings so you wouldn't ever be able to go to anything you wanted without organising childcare, and has now got you where he wants you, which is grudgingly accepting that he'll only go once a week. He made just enough effort to stop you consulting any solicitors, but nothing more.

I think you're still in denial about the extent of the problem and the very limited likelihood that he will change. I think you'd be a fool not to talk to one or two solicitors now to arm yourself with some knowledge about what could happen next.

Your threats of divorce a year ago were just threats and that hasn't changed. I expect you haven't reached your rock bottom yet.

I really hope your children have a better Christmas this year.

I have to agree with @AnotherEmma I'm afraid, and I also think you should speak to a solicitor now, not put it off. You don't have to start divorce proceedings yet, but you should arm yourself with knowledge, such as what financial documents will be needed, what your rights are, and how the split of the assets is likely to go, as it isn't always 50/50, that's just the starting point.

The more knowledge you have, the stronger you will be, and the more likely that you'll get a fairer split of everything.

The thing with issuing ultimatums, is that you have to follow through with them, otherwise they mean nothing, and he knows that. You threatened divorce a year ago, yet here you are, still not following through. As far as he's concerned, he can do what he likes, because he knows you'll stay with him. You need to show him that he's wrong.

You haven't reached rock bottom yet, because he hasn't.

In the long term, you won't enjoy the carousel you all are on - its going to be a rough and protracted trot into 2020, 2021 and on to 2029, 2030, and who knows how long seemingly......

I would call it quits now.

I gave my ex a very similar last chance. He half heartedly did AA for a short time, and then slipped back. He also got our family in shed loads of debt, at least partly due to spending on alcohol. Then he used the stress of the financial situation (and hiding it from me) as an excuse for drinking. Leaving was the best thing I did, for myself and my children. You won’t realise all the tension you’re holding until you walk through the door of your home without him, and it all falls away.
Good luck op, whatever you do.

Whether or not he manages to get through the drinking and make progress, at the end of the day he still comes across as a bit (a lot) of a dick. Doesn’t seem to care much about how you’re feeling or respect you. You don’t need to stay with him even if he’s “good” with the drinking

His once a week clearly won’t last, wouldn’t surprise me if he’s stopped going already. Even if he is going, once a week isn’t enough and he’s doing it because you made him not because he thinks he has a problem.

I found Al-Anon very helpful OP. There is nobody more selfish than an addict, except possibly an addict in the early stages of recovery.

Addicts like everything and everyone to accommodate them.

I know, I know. Based on these responses I did at least get him to grudgingly agree to twice a week instead of once, so thank you for the prod.

I think at the moment I'm trying very hard to avoid the overwhelming sadness I feel when I sit down and actually consider it all seriously. I hardly function on those occasions, and it's brutal. Not a good enough reason to avoid such thoughts forever though.

I think I will leave it there for a while if that is OK - will update in a couple of weeks or if anything happens (preferably the former).

Again, thank you all

Be really kind to yourself

It's really sad, OP. The acronyms from Al-Anon helped me stay in touch with how I was feeling rather than staying in a very stressed state with high anxiety. HALT - am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired? Acknowledging my own feelings and doing what I could to deal with them gave me a sense of purpose, and kept my focus on me and DC. I tried to let go of what DH was doing or not doing. Not my circus and not my monkeys was also helpful.

Acknowledging your sadness and right to be sad is healthy. It is really sad, and you're allowed grieve that your life is like it is, that your life partner is an alcoholic and that your DC's father is an alcoholic. I'm sure it's not what you pictured, and it's sad for you, and it's sad for your DC.

I know you said you'll be back in a couple of weeks,
but meanwhile just want to send a little more support.
Keep strong. 💙

Not read the full post but saw you asking how to get him out. I had a solicitor deal with it saying his presence was affecting my emotional and mental health. It was some sort of order if I remember rightly, go and get your free half hour from a few different solicitors to find out more.