.... I'm not. DH just staggered in at 6am.

[ContessaLovesTheSunshine]

He has a history of relying heavily on alcohol but has been doing better this year after a crisis last Christmas, in which he ended up in A and E. He does still have a regular Friday night outing though.

For the past 2 weeks he's been out late, or so I thought, and so yesterday he assured me that it wouldn't be a late one.

He's just staggered in and been sent upstairs to DS2's empty room (DC are 8 and 7yo - DS2 currently in my bed)

I am so angry, and just plain sick of him and his shit.

I'd appreciate a handhold or some advice on how to manage this please. He is notoriously resistant to accepting any kind of culpability for wrongdoing - I can hear the accusations of controlling behaviour now.

Divorce looking much more real this morning.....

Did he go to the meeting OP?

Hi - it's at 7pm, so not yet. He does intend to though.

Ds2 and I got back earlier and things have been fairly calm. The repentance has persisted a whole 24 hours, hurrah. The thing with DH is that he is terrible at taking responsibility at the best of times, so strategically it's best to quit while I'm ahead in terms of discussing the matter. This does at least mean I can maintain the curt approach with a feeling of justification.

I've put out a request for solicitor recommendations (anonymously) and have got a few leads, so that's good. Will pursue those tomorrow.

I should add - basically the more I talk the more defensive he gets and the more he talks himself into how he didn't actually do anything wrong. Harder to convince himself of this when not given the chance to talk.

I've been thinking about you op.

So if he's managed to convince himself that he's not done anything wrong, what's he going to a meeting for ?

Does he not accept that he has a problem with alcohol or does he just think alcoholics drink every day ?

So if he's managed to convince himself that he's not done anything wrong, what's he going to a meeting for ?

I think the balance of evidence is such that he can't really deny it any more. We both work in data-driven fields and are very hot on critical evaluation of the evidence; this is partly why I got the breathalyser. He'd say he was perfectly sober ("Well I've had ONE") and I'd say "Let's just quantify that". Once QCd and corroborated, he accepted its findings without quibble. He maintained before now that he could totally control his drinking alone, but someone in control wouldn't have done what he did on Friday. Ergo....

He's currently being reasonable. I am slightly sceptical, but trying to take advantage of it where possible.

OP, I'm so sorry you and your DC are going through this.

Please hammer home to him that this is the absolute LAST chance that you're prepared to give him and if he fucks it up, then you're through.

You and your DC deserve so much more and still have many great years ahead to make your own memories without the shadow of his alcoholism in the family home.

I lost my mum to alcoholism this year and I was no longer talking to her when she died. It hurts like fuck to know that her liver packed up and she died alone, having pushed every single family member and friend away with her behaviour.

Yes, I feel immense guilt about this. But I had given her chance, after chance, after chance and every time the booze won and it was making me ill with worry and dealing with her and her spiteful behaviour when drunk.

People say alcoholics have to reach rock bottom before getting help, well my mum lost her job, her home, her good looks, her family, her friends and ultimately her life at just turned 64. Nothing could stop her and I have to deal with that every day.

I'm hoping as your husband is still hopefully young and functioning at this stage, that he can turn this around. If he can't, or won't, then you need to focus on you and your DC, so that they don't become seriously harmed by living under the same roof as him and his behaviour.

You sound like a lovely mum and I bet you just keep hoping another chance will mean he will change and you get to hold the family together, but eventually it has to give. You don't want your DC to resent you by putting his chances before their ultimate happiness.

Good luck sweetheart.

Was married to an unpredictable drinker
Had me walking on egg shells
He was a loud mouthed aggressive drunk
It didn’t happen all the time that’s what made it unpredictable
Made me detest Christmas as I’d never know when he would be home from all his business parties
I’d breathe a sigh of relief when the last office was closed for the Christmas season and we could relax and have a family Christmas at last
And it would be about 360 days to the next one
Funnily enough we never bothered at new year
Just Christmas

Would it be worth speaking to a marriage counsellor or therapist together. Maybe hearing about his selfish behaviour from a 3rd party might make him grow up a bit

He maintained before now that he could totally control his drinking alone, but someone in control wouldn't have done what he did on Friday. Ergo....

Alcohol lowers inhibitions for everyone, but alcoholics are different. We have no "off switch" that tells us when enough is enough. When this happens episodically it's referred to as binge drinking.

He can go to AA with a certain amount of denial still going on. That happens on a regular basis for any AA group. What may help him eventually drop the denial is hearing from others that the disease tricked them into thinking they were drinking normally too. BTW OP, I PM'd you.

There is no point trying to discuss anything with him. If he did go to the meeting, don't be too excited and encouraging when he comes home. For your own sake you need to detach and become indifferent. It's not going to be resolved in one night at one meeting. It's going to take a lot more.

You've laid your cards on the table now. If he stops drinking, that'll be great. If he doesn't, that's OK too because you know you won't be dealing with it any more.

You need to find a support for yourself.

CycleOfMisery for you. I'm in the same place, my mum died early May. She started drinking heavily when my Dad was diagnosed with dementia, then got exponentially worse after he died. She didn't want to get better, she wanted to die. My Dsis and I tried everything - but she wouldn't have bereavement counselling. She didn't want to live. All we could do was watch. I was the one who had to call the police in Holland to let them know she was driving drunk and without a valid license - they dealt with it very effectively, caught her, took her car away.

She fell down the stairs in the middle of the night, going downstairs for more booze, and broke her neck. She was 78. Coming on top of losing my husband to the drink, it was really, really hard - but all the things I learned in my support group helped. I hope you've had similar help. If not, I would suggest you seek it out.

I'm sorry Cycleofmisery and Pointythings, that sounds awful.

Ah, thanks MissConduct - have seen it now.

He's back and oddly keen on going again. He brought a list of AA meetings home so am fairly sure he did indeed go. We shall see, I suppose.

Well, let's hope AA is going to be his thing and it works for him. It can be an eye-opening experience, though it wasn't for my husband. I do know several people who did AA and found recovery, it can be very powerful. He'll need to go regularly, certainly to multiple meetings a week. I'd absolutely facilitate him going.

But I'd also emphasise getting support for yourself through a support group for family, spouses etc. like the one I go to. A lot of the time it's the addict who finds it relatively easy to get support and the people around him who are left in limbo.

As the child of a (now deceased) alcoholic mother, I would ask you to please understand the damage your husband's dependency is doing and will do to your children. On the outside, I looked like I did everything right as a child - well-mannered, nice to everyone, straight As, etc. But the shame of my mother's addiction and the insecurity I felt about what I was going home to every day...I can't even find the words to express it. Only another child of an alcoholic could fully understand. When I eventually read 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' in my 20s, I related to every word. I still live with the effects her addiction had on me.

I understand the practicalities seem insurmountable. I would get some legal advice, really. You cannot and must not allow your children's precious childhoods be marred by a life living in fear and uncertainty like this. It will only get worse. You can be supportive from a distance, if he decides to get help, but sometimes the "rock bottom" cliche is true. You must find the courage to get out. You can do this.

He's back and oddly keen on going again.

I'm not surprised at this. Most AA groups are really good at making new people feel welcome. It's also an enormous relief to realize that others who have had problems abusing alcohol aren't monsters or morally defective somehow. The stereotypes surrounding alcoholism can be a significant barrier to seeking help.

My first AA group was brilliant and filled with professionals, with a disproportionate number of solicitors and LEO's for some reason. But also SAHM's, students, food service workers, etc. It's very supportive to find a group of peers who understand exactly how you struggle with alcohol and how insidious the addiction is.

Well, he went to another one today and came back with a book. I've noticed his behaviour is somewhat up and down - he's taking every opportunity to get in a dig. e.g. "When I talked to them I got understanding, while from you I'd just have got judginess" and "You'd like these meetings, you'd have a lot in common with them. I mean I do too, but you would as well". That sort of thing. I think he's trying to get me to snap at him so he can be the smug reasonable one and I can be the one at fault. I am resisting so far, although it's difficult.

I had a shit day holding it together at work and a colleague noticed I was unhappy, so fessed up to her. It's good to have someone at work know I suppose.

He announced he's got another meeting tomorrow and was put out when I pointed out my longstanding arrangement for tomorrow (autism class for DS2 behaviour). He initially said he'd go on Sunday instead as he "doesn't really feel the need to go this often" but backed down when I pointed out rather sharply that it was barely 48 hours since we'd had the initial conversation about next steps. He said I was imposing this on him. That just makes me , but.... . A friend has agreed to babysit so we can both attend our respective meetings, thankfully.

I've got an appointment with a consultant tomorrow morning to discuss ongoing gastric issues where I poo blood. He has expressed minimal concern about it. And I've now got my period. Also, have run out of tea.

Just bitching now, don't mind me

He's still in the very early stages of doing AA. The sniping isn't great - he's going to have to make some big changes in his heart to manage steps 8 and 9 - there's an element of blaming you for his drinking in what he's saying and that doesn't bode well.

You don't need to go to an AA meeting. You should consider support for yourself though.

I’m just going to offer you , and .

He's not really got on board yet, is my take, he may do or he may not but you can't guarantee it.
And good luck with the ASD training.
And the lack of tea! It's important!

@pointythings thank you. I'm so very sorry for your losses and for what you've been through too. It's truly horrendous to watch them slowly kill them, while you're stood there totally helpless.

I think deep down my mum had had enough of life too. Which is heartbreaking, as she was still young and used to be so beautiful, funny and popular. The alcohol robbed her of all of that.

My mum died in her bed, alone. Over the hot Easter bank holiday weekend. Needless to say, it wasn't at all pleasant when she was found. It's just senseless and tragic and the amount of stress over me trying to find money for the funeral and the hurt of finding every piece of gold I ever bought her throughout her life was gone, was like a final twist of the knife for me.

Sending much love and strength your way.

@ContessaLovesTheSunshine, please don't rise to his sniping. As you've worked out, he wants to play the victim in all of this. But you and your DC are the victims here.

When I talked to them I got understanding, while from you I'd just have got judginess"

He still sounds like an arse. I would not be giving him more than one chance, and I'd be in two minds about that, tbh.

Yes well I think my first post was about solicitors and I hope you are still planning to see one or two soon, OP!

Nothing you have told us is particularly promising I'm afraid!

I hope you find some time to see a solicitor ASAP op

Yep, I'm thinking about that. It's a hectic work week too but will see what I can manage.

Plans for next week have had to change - he was meant to be taking them to a family-owned house in a vacation spot for a few days by himself, and I was going to meet them there. Plans are now that we'll all go together. So not sure when I will get the chance to go for a quiet appointment soon, but will have a think.

I've also realised that I'm effectively not able to go out. He says he wants to go to a meeting; my run or exercise class with friend hardly top that, and we have very few potential babysitters (no relatives, friends usually busy). So I end up staying in, because I don't want to block him going. I'm already feeling bad re tomorrow and the WPUK meeting I've got planned for Friday. Maybe I shouldn't go to that one - it is his standard drinking day, and he disapproves of WPUK to boot (it is a major source of rows).