.... I'm not. DH just staggered in at 6am.

[ContessaLovesTheSunshine]

He has a history of relying heavily on alcohol but has been doing better this year after a crisis last Christmas, in which he ended up in A and E. He does still have a regular Friday night outing though.

For the past 2 weeks he's been out late, or so I thought, and so yesterday he assured me that it wouldn't be a late one.

He's just staggered in and been sent upstairs to DS2's empty room (DC are 8 and 7yo - DS2 currently in my bed)

I am so angry, and just plain sick of him and his shit.

I'd appreciate a handhold or some advice on how to manage this please. He is notoriously resistant to accepting any kind of culpability for wrongdoing - I can hear the accusations of controlling behaviour now.

Divorce looking much more real this morning.....

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this.

I am an alcoholic and working actively on recovery. My DS (adult living with me - just the 2 of us) has found it really difficult and is very very supportive of me.

Have you looked at getting any help for yourself from Al-Anon? It's specifically to support the families of alcoholics.

AA is not the only resource available to your husband (and if he's anything like me, he won't like the idea of a group, particularly with the religious overtones of AA.)

I access help through my city's Addiction Recovery Service. If you google "[my city] addiction recovery nhs" you will probably find that he can self-refer.

However - you cannot do this for him. You cannot force him. If you give him an ultimatum of "it's your family or the booze", you have to be prepared for him to pay lip service to getting help but then him being dishonest and not keeping appointments, drinking in secret etc. He has to want to change for himself.

Ultimately you may need to leave, and that may be his rock bottom, lightbulb moment that makes him realise he needs to get sober. But it also may not.

I agree with a PP about asking MN to move this post to Relationships before the crowd of cranky AIBU denizens wake up and shit all over it. Just hit "Report post" on your OP and ask MN to move.

Ultimately your main job here is to protect your DC. Have a google of "adult child of alcoholics" and you'll find a huge "laundry list" of common characteristics of children who've grown up with alcoholic parents. You do need to demonstrate to them that the behaviour isn't normal, isn't acceptable, and shouldn't be emulated. Being honest with them will help (as long as you make it age appropriate) but be clear that you're criticising the behaviour, not their dad as a person.

So "Your dad made some bad choices last night about drinking alcohol" - not "your dad is a pathetic drunk".

Just to be clear, him continuing to drink doesn't mean that he doesn't love and value his family. Alcohol is a bitch of an addiction, it really is.

It sounds awful I think you need to take time to decide what you actually want so is this a deal breaker for you ? If so give him an ultimatum and mean it. I would do it when hes sober and you are calmer and just be honest about how you feel and the consequences. Obviously sort out a backup plan by seeing a solicitor you say you cant get home to leave and I understand that but if you decide you dont want to be In a relationship with him he cant force you to. The house can be sold ect . Are you happy to leave one of your children with him this weekend? When are you leaving ? Could you take both with you ?

So sorry OP, what a shit situation. If he won’t discuss it, and won’t leave, can you get legal advice on where to go from here? He sounds in denial, and if he doesn’t accept he has a problem, things won’t change unless you force the issue. I will join you in the cyber cuppa if that’s ok (tea for me please) - please keep us posted. Your eight year old sounds amazing by the way xx

PS If he is drinking above a certain threshold then stopping cold turkey could be medically dangerous. He should seek medical advice if he is used to drinking more than 10-15 units per day.

If you want to stay in the marital home, then presuming you own, the only way to force him out would be via divorce. If you rent then he has a right to stay in the marital home, however you could potentially give the landlord notice to end the tenancy, but that would force both of you out. Although I have heard of a few cases where a couple have been splitting and the primary caregiver has told the LL the situation and been allowed to sever the existing tenancy and sign a new agreement with just themselves on it. Will totally depend on the LL though.

If you do own the home together and have other joint finances I'd strongly suggest getting legal advice before making any financial committments.

If you are genuinely thinking of asking him to go, then I would see a lawyer pronto.

Your children are seeing him model alcoholism and you enabling it. The longer they are exposed to this the more likely they are to become adults with alcohol dependency. For their sakes, make changes now.

Do you both own the house if you do you can’t send him packing unfortunately..he has every right to be there.
If it’s rented it will be easier to move out .
Yes it sounds ridiculous but true.

Daughter of an alcoholic here. Don't fuck your kids childhood. I'm mid forties and still haunted.

Leave. He won't change and you'll send yourself and your kids crazy.

All the best

I was thinking that myself this morning violetbunny. I've reached my mental tipping point. It is hard when you're always being told how unreasonable you are for insisting in what you consider to be fairly basic boundaries - my parents had form for this too, but more in a death by 1000 cuts sort of erosion. It has been a headfuck to realise that my husband's opinion cannot be trusted.

Just a note to say I am reading all replies, even if I'm not answering each individually. Thank you all for posting, it is helping.

Hi OP

I have no experience with alcoholism, but I am a mum and can’t imagine how torn I would feel if my husband acted like yours. I’m here to give you a hand hold.

Maybe ask for the thread to be moved to relationships

I feel for you and your kids mainly but I am shocked you would say that to an 8 year old.

If he won't go then he doesn't care about the upset for his kids to have to move out so that tells you even more how little he values his family.

You issued your ultimatum almost a year ago. He's made his choice. Now you have to decide if and how you carry through your ultimatum. Legal advice is your next step.

I wouldn't be leaving DS1 alone with his drunken father. He won't be sober for hours.

I think you need to make a quiet escape plan

Do you work? Do you have money in an account he can’t touch? A car in your name? That sort of thing. Make a plan.

You may not end up leaving, but at least you won’t feel trapped.

My DH is on and off the wagon. It’s hard, i have a job and a savings account and the house is in my name

It took me years to make sure I am not trapped. As I was when the kids were little, and it was awful to feel I could not leave.

What is your financial situation like?

Where has he been til 6am do you know ?
In my experience many years ago an ex would come home at this time and it usually involved coke because who can drink for the entire night ?
Do you know the friend who's house he was at ? Are they partners in crime in some way ?

I had a husband like this. It breaks your heart but I couldn't live with it or expose my child to it. We divorced and he still binge drinks.

You need legal advice before doing anything. Make an appointment next week and find out how you go about getting him out.

Op sorry this is happening to you.
I would wait until he's sober and calm and yourself have the kids in bed this evening and sit down with him.

Look him in the eye and tell him you've had enough. Your children are being affected by his behaviour and your not having a repeat of your home life. Keep eye contact the whole time op so he knows your serious.

Tell him your looking at places to rent and divorces lawers but the balls in his court now.

If he can see how close you are to walking away it might just make him sort his shit out.
Remind him nobody has to stay in an unhappy marriage for any reason and you are unhappy and the kids are starting to see it.

Tell him you love him,if you do but you love your kids more and your keeping your self respect.
Tell him he can choose to continue like it but you won't be a part of it. And then get up and walk away.

There needs to be no discussion op. He just needs to realise how close you are to leaving

Sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. It must be incredibly frustrating. No advice, but

"I asked him to go to AA, I asked him to get counselling, I told him divorce was my next step if nothing improved."

Divorce him then. Don't let him ruin Christmas for your children for a second year in a row.

How do you make him leave? You start by getting legal advice. See links below for info/advice about divorce and housing. And talk to one or two solicitors. There might be a law clinic or solicitors who offer a free initial consultation near you; ask your local Citizens Advice.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

Sorry you and your children are having to live with this. Its unlikely to change anytime soon, so you need to think about what you and your children want/need and act accordingly. Don't waste your life waiting for him to sober up.

I say this as someone who spent years with a high functioning alcoholic, divorced 9 years now, but he's still drinking, he hasn't gone a day without alcohol for over 20 years now. They rarely change.

People are still telling the OP that if she can sit down and say the right thing to her husband then things will get better.

OP, you know he doesn't want to change. You can legally get him excluded from the family home due to his behaviour. Go see a family lawyer.

Do you own your house? Or rent?

I think you sound like you’ve had enough and want out. And I think that’s entirely fair enough.

Would he agree to go for a fixed time period to give you some headspace if you positioned it as that or divorce?

My husband used to be like this. It could happen up to 3 times a week.

In the end I said it’s me or the drink.

He’s not had a drink in a year now and everything is so much better.

The regular Friday night out came back though
And there goes the problem. He is an addict, even if he think he isn't, because he probably counts the hours until he can drink and then can't stop it because he knows he will miss it desperately.

Sadly, there is no two ways about it, he needs to stop all together. The question is whether he is in a position to comprehend that it will end up picking his family or alcohol, and that therefore not taking the step to give up alcohol is not an option. I hope he is still in a state that he can comprehend this because alcohol has such perverse affect on the brain and mood that it is often too late for them to be able to able to have that chain of thoughts.

This is so hard op. I've had an alcoholic in my family and used to work in an organisation that provides treatment for alcohol issues. In my experience there are many false starts to recovery. As pp's have said the time it sticks is when the person is truly ready for it.

But what you need to think about is if you are prepared to be around for this? It's alot for you and the children to go through. This could be many more years of him promising to change and not.

Also although some people can drink in moderation after recovering I actually think its really hard. So he probably needs to give up completely.