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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

.... I'm not. DH just staggered in at 6am.

254 replies

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 06:11

He has a history of relying heavily on alcohol but has been doing better this year after a crisis last Christmas, in which he ended up in A and E. He does still have a regular Friday night outing though.

For the past 2 weeks he's been out late, or so I thought, and so yesterday he assured me that it wouldn't be a late one.

He's just staggered in and been sent upstairs to DS2's empty room (DC are 8 and 7yo - DS2 currently in my bed)

I am so angry, and just plain sick of him and his shit.

I'd appreciate a handhold or some advice on how to manage this please. He is notoriously resistant to accepting any kind of culpability for wrongdoing - I can hear the accusations of controlling behaviour now.

Divorce looking much more real this morning.....

OP posts:
Newschapter · 19/10/2019 10:33

Also, he didn't drink at home. Ever.

Instead he drank at the pub and bought strangers vodka when we were at home stretching a tin of soup between 6.

Many a time my mother went without dinner, but as long as he got to party with his friends.....

ShowOfHands · 19/10/2019 10:34

I am also the daughter of an alcoholic.

He is sober 15 years and my parents are still married. He was an alcoholic until long after I left home. I adore him btw and he was and is a good father BUT an alcoholic cannot drink. They cannot cut right down. There has to be no alcohol. Until he can accept that, there is NO hope.

ohfourfoxache · 19/10/2019 10:35

Do you think you could take both kids to London? I really wouldn’t want to leave him alone with either of them

AnotherEmma · 19/10/2019 10:39

He's going through the motions to placate you. He says he'll get help but won't actually pick up the phone. You do it for him. And he won't follow through because he knows that you won't either. Nothing has changed in a year - if anything it's got worse because he's drinking more on Fridays. He knows he's not "allowed" to drink at home but he's getting away with going out and drinking as much as he wants.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 10:40

I'm staying home long enough to take DS1 to and from football; I'll get H to use the breathalyser (yes, we have a breathalyser, doesn't everyone!?) and if he registers in the safe zone I'll head off then. Am reluctant to cancel DS2 weekend as the point is that it's just us and he's very excited.

Trying to find a friend who knows H's history who can pop over for a chat later. She's had her own problems with addiction (now under control) so has been very supportive and helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 10:41

I don't want you to be right AnotherEmma, but I fear you might be.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 19/10/2019 10:41

I told him divorce was my next step if nothing improved. He sought no help or counselling but did drink less (no booze in house, and I'd got good at spotting it here/on him). The regular Friday night out came back though, and has culminated in this.

Drinking less and not drinking at home does not mean he's in recovery. He's obviously an alcoholic so he cannot drink at all if he's to stand a chance. You have given him an ultimatum, which to him was an empty threat as here you are months later, not following through, but instead giving him another one. Do you think he's going to take you seriously this time? I doubt it. He hasn't reached his rock bottom and if it were me I certainly wouldn't be hanging around until he does. He's selfish and has proven that. Get yourself and the kids away from him. He doesn't deserve you - you and most especially your kids deserve a much better, peaceful life than the one he's part of. My own mother stayed with my alcoholic father. Even when he was in recovery for years he was still selfish and didn't treat her well. He was an embarrassment to us. Do you want that for your kids? Make sure you tell his family, your family and close friends what he's like, though I'm sure they know damn well. And start making a serious exit plan.

ThighThighOfthigh · 19/10/2019 10:49

Is he an alcoholic or an immature pisshead?

NoSquirrels · 19/10/2019 10:51

Who does he drink with on Fridays?

HollowTalk · 19/10/2019 10:53

The thing is, OP, you're still in denial.

The two things that stop most women from leaving in these circumstances are money and the fact their children would suffer as a result of the move.

You don't have a problem with money. Your son is trying to tell you to leave him - can't you hear him?

If this was your daughter and you were watching her live a life like this, what would you tell her?

nottodaysatanlucifer · 19/10/2019 10:59

You probably wouldn't tolerate it if he came home off his nut on drugs, so why is alcohol any different?

You're not doing right by your children by staying with him. You're putting yours and his own needs first.

It's getting tiresome the amount of people who stay in relationships like this and for what?

loveyoutothemoon · 19/10/2019 11:01

It's good that he's taken that step but he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. Tell him to move out for a few weeks, tell the kids that you both need space and for dad to learn.

RainbowAlicorn · 19/10/2019 11:04

I'm sorry OP but he has shown he isn't going to change, I don't think you have much choice left tbh. You have tried everything you can, the rest is ultimately up to him, there is nothing more you can do except get your kids out of there.

cushioncovers · 19/10/2019 11:08

News 😞

Kit19 · 19/10/2019 11:09

Oh OP this is heartbreaking to read. Are you certain he’s not drinking at home? My alcoholic grandmother was a master of hiding booze plus as he’s an alcoholic his tolerance level will be very high. He can quite easily swig a bit of vodka or gin or whatever & it won’t have any effect

If he won’t even phone AA unless you physically do it fir him, He’s not going to go to meetings is he

He’s had time to desist and he hasn’t. Time for him to leave and if he won’t, then you need to with the children. I’m so sorry but it seems that’s the only way now

Cherry4weans · 19/10/2019 11:09

Contact Al anon they will support you and the kiddies

Annasgirl · 19/10/2019 11:11

OP, yet another daughter of an alcoholic here. Your DH will not recover unless he gets professional treatment. Once you get to the point of being medically declared an alcoholic you cannot just do it yourself. And he also does not want to do it. You cannot make him do it. Only he can.

You did not cause it. You cannot stop it.

You now need to make the choices for you and your children which will impact their lives (forever). Sorry to be so dramatic, but you can see all of us here who are in our 40's and 50's still have adult issues based on our childhood. You can reduce that for your children by deciding on how you and your two lovely children move on from this. Your DH has made his choice. You need to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your children's childhood like this.

You have the financial security to be able to move - many of us had mothers who could not afford to move out. Please, move out. Some day your DH might be a different person - but to-day he is an alcoholic who does not want to change.

Goingbacktokansascity · 19/10/2019 11:11

He doesn’t acknowledge he has a problem, I think he’s paying lip service.

As hard as it is I think you should leave, take both DC to London for the night, have a great time, then if possible stay with family when you’re back. Not to force him into changing, just so that you 3 have a better life than this

drspouse · 19/10/2019 11:21

He has a problem with drinking and he can't stop. He's an alcoholic.
I would say the ultimatum needs to be VERY short term and stick to it.
In the spare room now. No household stuff for him. Tell the children he needs to behave better before you will do things for Daddy.
Attend AA meeting every day for a week and you'll think about letting him participate in family life but during that week see a solicitor about how you get him out.
If/when he doesn't go to AA then the divorce papers come out.
If he does go for a month you'll consider him moving back to your room etc.

drspouse · 19/10/2019 11:21

Oh and don't leave your DC there tonight.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 11:26

He says he's booked in for a meeting tomorrow. It is deeply depressing that I intend to check his Google data to make sure he actually went.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 19/10/2019 11:35

"Went to check.... I had to physically call them for him and hand him the phone.
I intend to check his Google data to make sure he actually went."

As long as you can still care for your children while you micro manage an addict.

But rarely doesn't this impact on them. All this emotional energy and time, being taken from their mother, or the non addict.

Ponoka7 · 19/10/2019 11:36

Do them the favour of putting a time scale on it.

Ponoka7 · 19/10/2019 11:37

But i see your making excuses for him, to posters that is, your young child got hit with the truth.

Chillyourbeans · 19/10/2019 11:44

Daughter of an alcoholic here, it pretty much ruined my childhood. I remember every disastrous Christmas and New Year in excruciating detail. Every family holiday that ended in tears and furious rows. Every Friday and Saturday night hiding under the duvet, sick with fear waiting for him to come home. And my wedding day - left in the house with just my dad, waiting for the car to take us to church and him necking brandy from the bottle. He was off his face when he walked me down the aisle and that's my abiding memory of my wedding day. You and your DC deserve so much better. Good luck Flowers