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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

.... I'm not. DH just staggered in at 6am.

254 replies

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 06:11

He has a history of relying heavily on alcohol but has been doing better this year after a crisis last Christmas, in which he ended up in A and E. He does still have a regular Friday night outing though.

For the past 2 weeks he's been out late, or so I thought, and so yesterday he assured me that it wouldn't be a late one.

He's just staggered in and been sent upstairs to DS2's empty room (DC are 8 and 7yo - DS2 currently in my bed)

I am so angry, and just plain sick of him and his shit.

I'd appreciate a handhold or some advice on how to manage this please. He is notoriously resistant to accepting any kind of culpability for wrongdoing - I can hear the accusations of controlling behaviour now.

Divorce looking much more real this morning.....

OP posts:
SlightlyWizened · 19/10/2019 08:48

Have a nice day out. I hope it stays dry for you!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 19/10/2019 08:48

Ponoka If the OP had made something up, it would have had to be just as bad to explain why she was so angry. If she'd said something like 'We just had an argument', her H would have been extra nice to make her look like the bad guy.

OP did not do anything to her children. Her H did, by choosing to go out and get wankered and then putting her in an impossible position by repeatedly trying to get into bed with her and the DC while still drunk, after she'd asked him not to.

InkyToesies · 19/10/2019 08:48

Say nothing (yet), have a great time in London with your little boy. Come back and get through the weekend. Don't engage with him over his behaviour - you've done that umpteen times. Spend the rest of the weekend googling shit hot family lawyers, try along copies of his financial documents etc. Then on Monday make an appointment with the SH family lawyer. Once you've seen them, prepare your words and tell him what's going to happen from here on in. It won't be a discussion or a negotiation, just a statement of fact.

Once he'll want some dialogue and there will be protestations, accusations, tears and tantrums. Prepare your calm and unemotional responses in advance e.g. I've made my decision. / I am taking / will take advice and will let you know. / That's an issue for you to resolve, not me.

Easier said than done I know. Also agree with the advice about Al Anon. From now on it's about you and your boys. Best wishes.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 08:48

I think I am hardening myself to the reality that divorce is needed, yes. I've been unhappy with him for a long time (alcohol a big factor) and this has tipped me over the edge. He won't acknowledge that I'm right though, ever. His dad is just the same (heavy drinker, his mum got a divorce, his dad found someone else who is scarily similar to me in terms of just feeling she had to out up with it... til now).

Regardless, I need to make some plans. At swimming with both kids now (usually his job to bring them - ha).

OP posts:
InkyToesies · 19/10/2019 08:49

Take copies, not try along.

hardyloveit · 19/10/2019 08:50

My mums an alcoholic (she's been sober a couple of years) but I now call her a dry alcoholic as she still does the same horrible things just being dry! Your husband will only get help when he is ready and places like rehab etc will only help him when he wants the help.
It doesn't sound like he is there yet. In your shoes with young children I'd leave op. Tbh it probably won't even shock him into getting sober but it's not fair on your children to be around that!
I banned my mum from seeing my kids for a few years and it didn't stop her!
He needs professional help but it will only work when he is ready!
Massive hug though op as living with alcoholics are the worst people to live with. It's horrible!!

FusionChefGeoff · 19/10/2019 08:51

Alcoholism thrives in secrecy and shame.

Another way to hit home how serious you are is to tell your family, tell his family, tell your friends what you are going though and, if it comes to it, why you have asked him to leave.

Once everyone knows what's going on and why, you might find he is guilted into leaving rather than you having to leave or go through costly legal procedures.

Another voice recommending Al Anon - I'm a sober alcoholic in recovery and the work they do and the support they provide for families is incredible.

AlwaysCheddar · 19/10/2019 08:52

Break the cycle. Give him one month to get sober or get out. See a solicitor.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 08:57

Also, the ship has well and truly sailed on not letting the kids realise. The episode last year at Christmas where I walked into the house with the kids to find him crying and carrying on, demanding to be taken to hospital, did that. I drove him there but dropped kids off en route (no one I could ask for help), and had to shoot down his cries of "I think I'm DYING" for a good 20 minutes in rush hour traffic. In that situation I thought "Kids, daddy is imagining things because he has had too much beer; it can have that effect and that is one reason we shouldn't have toouch beer" was a better approach than just trying to shut him up (which I did also try, unsuccessfully). I'm sure there were better ways to handle it but it's quite hard to work out what they are in the situation itself.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 19/10/2019 08:57

Don't tell him the balls in his court. The ball needs to be firmly in your court OP. You get out of this situation by telling him the relationship is over, that you are seeking legal and financial advice, and that you are working out who will leave the household.

Sockypuppet · 19/10/2019 08:58

I actually found Al Anon to be really unhelpful to the sober spouse. I got a lot of guff about "learning to live with it and recognising my own role" in the disease.

There were a lot of meetings with women talking about cleaning up their husbands"' vomit and how their kids hated them.

It was pretty nightmarish. But it did indirectly provide the impetus to leave, as I couldn't imagine being 60 and still cleaning up after my husband, working all day, then coming to a meeting to hear how "co-dependent" I was.

stophuggingme · 19/10/2019 08:58

No way would I leave him with your other son to look after, he will be in not fit state.
You do need to leave to stop the total destruction of your family. It might give him the impetus to save his own life but your priority is not his it’s yours and your children’s.
I would also move out and set the wheels in motion with a family solicitor.

It’s shit and heartbreaking but you have to take steps now to protect your children’s future and your own happiness.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 19/10/2019 09:00

his dad found someone else who is scarily similar to me in terms of just feeling she had to out up with it...

The realisation recently hit me that my husband is the way he is partly because of me! I facilitated his drinking. I enabled it. I dropped him to the pub. I collected him. I made sure he got to bed. I protected him from himself. He was married to me BECAUSE I was easy going. He certainly couldn't have been in a relationship with someone who wouldn't tolerate his shit! The drink is always the winner. So if someone else gave him an ultimatum the drink would win.

In my case I gave ultimatums, but never left. I tried to kick him out, but he wouldn't go. So here we are. Still living together. No relationship to speak of. I don't really care about him. I care about him on a human level, but not on an intimate husband/wife level.

I don't ever admit this to friends or family because I'd be inundated with "why are you putting up with it", "why don't you just leave"... But I admit it in Al-Anon. And I find everyone in the room, people living in conditions a hell of a lot worse than mine, feels the same!

Honestly OP. You can't do anything about him. But you CAN do something for yourself.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 09:00

Another way to hit home how serious you are is to tell your family, tell his family, tell your friends what you are going though

Did this, last year. It has probably helped us to get as far as we have now. Now summoning up the courage to message a friend in RL to make it real (although I know one is on here - hello to C who lives in E if you're reading Smile).

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 19/10/2019 09:03

Speak to a solicitor get a possession order for the house and start divorce proceedings 1st thing Monday morning.

I know that I sound harsh but its the voice of experience. If he's anything like my ex or any of the other alcoholics that I know of nothing else will make him change, however he may make changes just to get you back and will start drinking again as soon as he thinks he's got you back.

Alcoholism is a choice. He is choosing not to get help, but instead to gaslight you and destroy your DCs childhood, both you and your dcs deserve so much better than this selfish waste of space

VerbenaGirl · 19/10/2019 09:05

My best friend is the daughter of an alcoholic and got some great support from al-anonuk.org.uk

Beesandcheese · 19/10/2019 09:10

The only solution is to leave. I am very firm about alchohol abuse, which gets me ridiculed on here, but there's no point in being with someone who prioritises a drink over family, as they increasingly become a black hole killing all semblance of joy and anything that isn't about them.

LittleDancers · 19/10/2019 09:10

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault. It's not that if only you had said this or that or communicated differently or done something different that you could have changed things or made it different. It's not fair to you that you should be sat at home worrying, and keeping it together for the DCs weekend whilst he's out getting into whatever state he wants. Would he accept the same behaviour from you? I bet he would not (although I'll be he'll probably say he wishes you would go out and "let your hair down" too, to make him feel less guilty about his own excesses).

At 47, it can't be put down to his nostalgic clinging on to the tail end of youth, the time for it to be that has surely passed. I think PP's suggestions of contacting a support group for yourself is a good one as a first port of call. Then think hard about what your own next step could be. You can't control your DH's behaviour but you are in control of your own life, don't lose sight of that. x

Sockypuppet · 19/10/2019 09:11

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

I'm sorry about the situation you're in but what kind of victim-blaming headfuckery have you been fed? Your husband drinks because he's decided to abuse alcohol and does not care about the damage it causes to you. You've learned some maladaptive survival strategies but that doesn't mean you're "enabling" your own abuse!

Listen to the people who are shocked at your situation, ask them for help on getting free. The sad-sacks at your Al-anon group aren't helping you by normalising this.

millimollimandi · 19/10/2019 09:25

I have been in a similar situation - and decided eventually that being a single parent (which was never a plan for me) was preferable to seeing my son grow up with an alcohol dependent father. And it was. We split when son was 3. (Bio father not seen him since) I have no idea at what age they start realising stuff but son is teetotal, he's in his 30s.

LittleTopic · 19/10/2019 09:26

My DH’s parents were (and still are, despite their protests) alcoholics. It’s affected him and his siblings in different ways. He remembers being a child and being hungry because dinner wasn’t on the table as his parents were too busy getting shitfaced in the next room and arguing. He’s a father in his thirties and he still gets upset by it regularly.

You sound like you already know the effect this will have on your children; if your H can’t see that then that would cement the decision for me to leave.

Hope you have a lovely day with the children Flowers

MrsPear · 19/10/2019 09:29

Not alcoholic but gambler - I’m still waiting for him to come home although I awoke to a picture of chips.

op can you separate? If you have the ability then do so

katewhinesalot · 19/10/2019 09:35

Surely if he is half decent, he would prefer his kids to stay in their familiar home than have to move to a new rented place?
I'd try getting him to move out using that angle "Splitting up is going to happen. For the kids sake, it's better that you go rather than us"

If he's not persuaded by that, then he's not just an alcoholic but also very selfish and not very nice.

YouJustDoYou · 19/10/2019 09:41

You told him the next step was divorce.

As with children, you need to follow through, or they never learn. He'll know you'll always be there to pick up the pieces. It's not serious enough for him to want to change - if he'll ever want to change at all. Even following through with actual divorce might never be enough of a force to make him change. But this is about you and your children, not him.

As the daughter of two alcoholic, I say this kindly when I say you need to protect those children from him as well as yourself, and protect them from thinking coming in wasted is something a partner just puts up with. I mean, let alone the amount of money he's wading through on alcohol.

You're right in that telling someone to just move out isn't always a cakewalk. You can start that conversation though with him, and go from there. If he says, no, won't leave, then start making your plans from there. But you need to get that ball rolling - this isn't something that he is going to change any time soon. You really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this? Good luck op x

YouJustDoYou · 19/10/2019 09:41

*I mean protect you and your children from him, not protect the children from you!