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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

.... I'm not. DH just staggered in at 6am.

254 replies

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 06:11

He has a history of relying heavily on alcohol but has been doing better this year after a crisis last Christmas, in which he ended up in A and E. He does still have a regular Friday night outing though.

For the past 2 weeks he's been out late, or so I thought, and so yesterday he assured me that it wouldn't be a late one.

He's just staggered in and been sent upstairs to DS2's empty room (DC are 8 and 7yo - DS2 currently in my bed)

I am so angry, and just plain sick of him and his shit.

I'd appreciate a handhold or some advice on how to manage this please. He is notoriously resistant to accepting any kind of culpability for wrongdoing - I can hear the accusations of controlling behaviour now.

Divorce looking much more real this morning.....

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 19/10/2019 07:55

Please find your local Al-Anon and go. It will save you. It may oir may not save your marriage but that shouldn't be the focus. Al-Anon is for You. Not him. It's for you to get your head around your life. People who haven't lived it don't understand and it's so easy for people to throw out "why are you still with him?" "kick him out" etc. But the reality isn't that simple. If it was, nobody would be living with an alcoholic in their life!!

I'm not going to offer advice or leave him, or kick him, or give him a final warning etc. Go to Al-Anon. You will meet people living your exact life. You will meet people who have lived it and come through it. Whatever decisions you make will be the right ones at the time you make them. And circumstances change. So decisions made, might also change.

Please, please go to Al-Anon. It WILL change your life.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 19/10/2019 07:58

I'm not going to offer advice of leave him, or kick him out, or give him a final warning etc.

Blush
BuildBuildings · 19/10/2019 08:01

Also there's lots of support that's not aa. It differs in each area but ccg are required to fund alcohol and drug recovery / treatment services. They often also have family support sessions or workers. Do this could be an option for you to get support for yourself.

PerkyPomPoms · 19/10/2019 08:03

Do you rent or own? Are you in a position to live separately. If you work are you able to afford to live on your own? Wishing you all the best

BarbaraStrozzi · 19/10/2019 08:03

Flowers OP and a hand hold. Sounds like this is the point at which you have to leave him.

Is your house owned or rented? I agree with pp that you can't just kick him out, but I believe there is such a thing as an occupation order. Moving this thread to relationships will bring it to a lot of knowledgeable posters. Or try a specific thread about it in legal.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 08:04

We own a massive house that he wanted more than I did, bought with money my dad offered. I work and could afford to live alone - my dad would probably help tbf. So finances aren't a huge concern (still a bit tbh).

OP posts:
MollyButton · 19/10/2019 08:05

I suggest first that you go to an Alanon meeting.
Second If he won't leave the house, then if at all possible get him into a different bedroom. And get legal advice. However once you have got him out of the room, you can stop doing anything for him - no cooking, no laundry etc.

But can you really trust him to not drink whilst taking care of DS1?

MrsBertBibby · 19/10/2019 08:06

You can't help him OP, and as long as you live with him, you enable him.

Get to a family solicitor for advice asap.

Raindancer411 · 19/10/2019 08:07

You will need to go through divorce to get him out the house. They prefer the kids to stay in the home and with a responsible adult. Take legal advice.

NearlyGranny · 19/10/2019 08:12

Talking won't work. He`s grown used to ignoring you.

First, decide what you need him to do to change - if you still want him - and write it down. Perhaps a knowledge the problem, seek help from GP for alcohol dependency, attend AA sessions weekly for six months, be home on Friday nights so as to prioritise family, etc. Make it an ultimatum with a date for compliance on establishing help and attending sessions. Six weeks is plenty, so in good time for a dry Christmas.

See a solicitor about your rights, e.g. remaining in the marital home with the children.

Download the divorce application forms from the .GOV website and fill them in, citing examples unreasonable behaviour all around alcohol.

Sit him down to talk showing your ultimatum and the divorce papers ready to roll. Be prepared to follow through.

He will call it controlling and it is. You are stepping up to control the quality of your life and the children's childhood. He will say you have given him no choice and put a gun to his head. You have done the latter, but he can choose to save his life, his marriage and his family or he can choose alcohol, isolation and premature death. That is his choice.

Good luck. This is the nuclear option and it seems it's time.

3dogs2cats · 19/10/2019 08:18

Well, he had the warning last year and here you are again. Honestly, I’d get up now and take both kids to London. I would not allow him to care for the children unsupervised, sounds like he’s never caused concern in that situation, except that one day he will drink around them, and guess what, that will be your fault too.
My experience of alcoholism may colour my perception and leave me unduly pessimistic, but our family member is now irreparably damaged and still insisting they are not alcoholic. The damage to their child is stark, look at the Nacad website for the effects on children. Pretending all is fine at home, having a bed that stinks of alcohol and worse, the rows, the financial difficulties the unreliability and the lies. You deserve better, and so do your children.
But I am really sorry this is where you are.

NeverTwerkNaked · 19/10/2019 08:19

Speak to a lawyer. You may well be able to get a court order to force him to move out. I had to do that with my ex as he refused.

VivienScott · 19/10/2019 08:26

I lived with an alcoholic for nearly 2 years, similar pattern to your husband, took me a while to see he was an alcoholic because he didn’t fit the classic mould. I begged him to stop, because he was lovely when he was sober, but a vile drunk. He would stop for a bit but slip back.
Anyway, after going round the same cycle numerous times, I realised that to him his relationship with alcoholic was more important than his relationship with me and that wasn’t changing. The fear and anxiety of living with him wondering just how awful he’d be this time and the relief when he worked away and I didn’t have to put up with it was ridiculous.
Splitting up with him was the best and right decision, and the relief when I took back control of my life from him and his alcoholism was immense,
Don’t hang around, you can’t fix him Unless he wants to fix himself and you shouldn’t have to anymore.

Ponoka7 · 19/10/2019 08:27

"DS1 asked why daddy couldn't be here and I explained that he'd been at a friend's house all night drinking and only just come home, and that I hadn't known where he was and was worried"

Why did you do that to your child?

You are deciding to stay, your DC are powerless, all you will do is cause them anxiety. I can still remember the dread that weekends and Christmas etc brought, as pp have talked about. I'm in my 50's.

My Mother would be on her nerves, so I'd stay out of the way to not add to the situation. Is this what you want for your children? Is this what your childhood was like? Or is it just good enough for them?
Either leave or protect your very young children from what's happening, but don't drag them into this shit.

You have both neglected your children.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 19/10/2019 08:32

What should I have said? I grew up with parents ta making up random shit instead of telling the truth and it left me really paranoid about being lied to, because its obvious when there's a discrepancy between what's being said and body language, facial expressions etc.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 19/10/2019 08:38

Daughter of an alcoholic here. Im completely tee total because of it. Im sorry but you do need to find elsewhere to live, take the children and leave.

BarbaraStrozzi · 19/10/2019 08:38

You are absolutely right to tell children the truth, but now it's out there I'm afraid you have to act too, because failing to act can be as hypocritical and as much of a lie as words. Now you've said that to your son, I think you have to follow through, otherwise he'll simply learn the lesson that shitty behaviour is to be whinged about but put up with.

None of this is easy, and none of it is your fault. The Al anon three Cs: you didn't choose this, you can't control this, you can't change this. All you can do is get out of the situation.

KTheGrey · 19/10/2019 08:38

Absolutely seek advice from Al Anon and find a solicitor. Don't leave him/the house; get a court order. He isn't going to get full custody of the DC so you need the house because they get first dibs on the best deal (which is to stay with you in their home).

Beautiful3 · 19/10/2019 08:40

Put the house up for sale after you move out too op.

RegretnaGreen · 19/10/2019 08:40

Get advice from a solicitor first Contessa . Once you know your options you will feel less anxious and pissed off and a plan will form.

You are having the rug pulled constantly and you can't live like that long term. It will make you ill and fuck up your kids lives and they will start to resent him which would be terrible all round.

You will have to be the sensible adult here which is annoying and frustrating in it's own right as it's meant to be a marriage but his behaviour is a constant 'fuck you' anyway. Get lawyered and get out. It might actually do him a favour and start him being the parent he needs to be. At least the kids are old enough to know if he is pissed when he has them and so are in less danger.

DaphneFanshaw · 19/10/2019 08:42

Contessa, do you want to sit down and talk to him, out line help, outline boundaries that you want to put in place?
Or have you had enough?
I think you will get a lot of fantastic advice on the relationships board, especially if you can't think where to start.

TriciaH87 · 19/10/2019 08:42

My dad was an alcoholic and as a child I can remember begging my mum every time he had a drink to throw him out. He was a violent drunk but lovely sober and mum couldn't bring herself to do it. After years of going round in circles dad kept saying he would sort himself out but never did she finally listened 3 days before my 14th birthday. My dad hated me for a while and barely spoke for a year because he blamed me. In that time however he got help and is now sober. His back to being the dad we loved. If he can't do it for you and the kids he hasn't hit his rock bottom yet. Leaving him may be the only way he can realise he needs help as his lost everything. Sit him down and tell him if you think it's safe to do so that your not going to tell him what he can or cannot do. If he wants to get drunk then so be it but he needs to stay somewhere else when he is at least until you and the kids find somewhere else. It's his issue not yours and if he hasn't saught help now don't listen if he says he will. Actions are what's needed not words. Just remember if your children see this as the normal they will be at risk of either thinking that's an acceptable way to behave themselves or perfectly fine for a future partner to treat them this way.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/10/2019 08:43

I know it feels hard but you really can do this

Make a plan. Your H will not change while you are together. And more importantly you will be happier apart. More relaxed. Not spending half the night worrying about where he is. Not having to say things to your kids that you would rather not have to say

You sound like you have a supportive family and the means to make a good happy life for your family. And your family is you and the DC. Your H is making it plain that he doesn’t consider himself part of that

Go to Al-anon. Focus on a positive happy future for your family. Best wishes

SlightlyWizened · 19/10/2019 08:44

I second the suggestion to take both DC with you today.
On your return do as suggested and sit him down for the chat. Tell him you are going to institute divorce proceedings and in the meanwhile you think he would be best off renting on his own but if that isn't possible he will at least be in another bedroom (if you have one he can use-sofa if not?)
You have the reasoning given above-you cannot control his behaviour but you can control your response to it. It's his call as to how he responds to that. If he can realise that he may lose his family over alcohol then he may choose to step up and get help. Either way you can still choose divorce and I would in your shoes.

Sarahlou63 · 19/10/2019 08:47

Video him next time. Then ask if he really thinks he doesn't have a problem.

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