Advice please - DP gone AWOL due to ex partner’s tragedy

[Arrivaycida]

I’ve been dating a man (DP) since April. Everything was going really well. We were exclusive and have mutual friends, so I thought everything was above board.

About 3 weeks ago one of our mutual friends told me that my DP’s ex-partner of 10 years (who I knew about) had suddenly lost her teenage daughter in a freak accident in the UK and was coming to the UK to deal with funeral stuff and admin and the body. Obviously I was very empathetic - as much as you can be for somebody you have never met. Mutual friend also told me that DP’s ex had always suffered from poor mental health and she believed that this event might actually now tip her over the edge.

I mentioned it to DP who seemed extremely affected by it. His ex had already called him. Everything then happened so quickly. DP and I were not living together but had been seeing each other and staying over at my house once or twice a week and at weekends. He has continued to see and speak to me everyday, kept in regular touch, called me most evenings, but as far as I know he has spent every night that she has been in the UK, with her, at her house (which she has here but doesn’t live in.)

According to him and mutual friends, they are not having sex or back in a relationship, they are just spending time together and she is crying and on the verge of suicide, and he is helping her through it. He also knew her daughter well, was a surrogate father to her, and so this is profoundly affecting him as well. Apparently when she returns abroad (she is going back and forth) she has a partner who she has been with since they split.

I’ve tried to be really empathetic and understanding about this while at the same time withdrawing myself. He has now not stayed over at my house or slept with me for three weeks. Every time I ask questions about what’s going on and what he’s doing, I get a defensive response - as in I “should know exactly what he is doing” - “pulling her back from the brink of suicide.” Even our mutual friends have the same attitude.

As a result, last week, I politely ended things with him, stopped answering his calls and texts and asked him to give me space. The result was him haranguing me, apparently heartbroken, that I had finished things at such a “difficult time” in his life and saying that he is confused as to why I have done this and I need to explain why, we need to work it out and and that I am being unreasonable for not respecting his need to take time out and ending things with him so abruptly.

We have gone back and forth over this now for a week. Every night we exhaust the conversation and end up at odds. He does not see why him “helping out a dear friend and ex partner” should impact me so strongly that I finish our relationship. I can’t believe that he is so ignorant as to not see the affect this would have on me and our relationship.

He talks in gory detail about the death and all his ex-P’s feelings and suicide threats as if they should shock me into realising why he is doing what he is doing. I presume the result he wants is that I feel guilty for even suggesting there is anything else going on. As much as I empathise, I don’t feel it is right for him to be spending most nights at her house. What are they even doing? Why does he need to stay over? He says he is on suicide watch - but that is not his responsibility.

He makes the point that he and I are still speaking daily and seeing each other, that he has not been unavailable, that the only part of our relationship that is “temporarily” on hold is the sleeping together / sex. Then he reduces it to things like “why are you saying sex is more important than me attending to my close friend? If you love me and care about me, you will understand my need to prioritise.” Or “if I have to choose between sex and helping out my close friend - I choose helping her out.” It’s like a way of making me look like i’m being unreasonable.

Late at night on Friday after i’d gone to sleep I found he’d sent me a few sex texts - presumably to keep me roped in or to prove that he still sees us in a romantic relationship. But he was probably at her house?

When he doesn’t hear from me he calls and texts me incessantly about how unfair I am being for giving up on him because of this. Mutual friends who I have spoken to are agreeing with him saying it is only a temporary thing and she will soon return, after everything is dealt with, back abroad again.

Apparently their split was mutual and happened four years ago.

What the hell is going on?

If I was with someone who didn't support a mentally ill person who'd lost their child. A child that he'd lived with for the most part of the child's life, I would be showing them the door.
He's grieving too, and you are solely thinking about you.

To those posters telling me I am a narcissist who lacks empathy - I think it would be more narcissistic to "own" the grief that does not belong to me.

There's no reason to. There is however a reason to understand that people are grieving and you will not be a priory at this point.

And far from trying to make it about me, I am trying to withdraw from the situation with as little upset to my partner as possible

Sorry but your previous posts suggest otherwise. You've been creating a break up drama that no one needs at an already sad and distressing time. Instead of being available to talk to whenever and however, you've withdrawn because he's not manifesting his grief in the way you want.

You know I could understand if you just owned that you've been overly anxious, jealous and lost perspective. Like I said, I have an anxious disposition, can be very insecure and could be green-eyed Queen of Clingy if I let it take me over. Ask me how I know! In your situation I too would start thinking of the worst scenarios. But I recognise that I'm anxious and need to challenge it if only because of compassion.

The problem is you are refusing to listen to anyone because the responses are harsh. But you ought to take it onboard and realise you over reacted and let your insecurities get in the way. You can still get above yourself, apologise and offer supoort You stand to lose a very good person from your life here. Well unless you really want it over.

priority, not priory bloody auto-correct!

I think it’s funny how everyone is going on a about this poor grieving man. He didn’t maintain a relationship with this girl he supposedly brought up. Dumped at the same time he and the ex split. Would be very different if he maintained a relationship but he hasn’t. Not dismissing he may be upset however ...My BIL didn’t see his son for years and he heard he had died in a car accident and he suddenly was ‘devastated’ and poor grieving dad looking for sympathy. I think the OP hasn’t helped herself with some of the language used but I am not surprised she is a bit bemused

Just to reiterate - I have created no break up drama.

Has it occurred to anyone that she might simply not want or have the mental head space to be in a relationship with somebody that could be overcome with grief for some time, and also seems prone to lashing out during that grief?

People are talking as though this is a long term "for better or for worse" commitment, but it's a relatively new relationship, by the sounds of things they are not so deeply connected that this would be a difficult decision for OP, and he has just gone from no baggage to loads of baggage. Complicated ex situation, ongoing grief, resulting nastiness and anger issues. She may not have seen any of these sides of him before.

Bearing in mind she has children to consider, what is so wrong with her taking a step back and thinking you know what you do you but this is no longer the simple relationship for me?

They are bound by common grief. You aren't helping that, if he's upset to lose you too.
It would be more understandable if you just put things on hold for a while. Still you don't seem too bothered so perhaps it's for the best.

He thinks this might be an opportunity to get back with her and he tried to keep you dangling so that he can keep his options open if it doesn't work out with the ex.
He is pissed off that you finished with him because you have have ruined his plan to keep his options open, he was trying to keep all the plates spinning, control all the moving parts, get the best outcome for himself and you've put a stop to his game.

You could have waited until he was through the worst,his ex didn't live here so would at some point go home to her partner.
As his current partner you could have supported him or if this was a deal breaker for you,and since he wasn't staying over,you could have waited.
Still,if you can't support someone in this situation then it wasn't much of a relationship.

He's making a big show of going above and beyond for this woman, he's not doing that for nothing he's expecting a payoff at the end of it from her.

OP I am shocked by your posts, to be honest. You may not understand why but your partner is very affected by what has happened, and at a time when he needed support or space, you added to the situation by questioning him. You have the right to finish with someone - most people would think bad timing, but it is your right - but I don't think that you should have tried to discuss your relationship while he was dealing with the trauma.

In your shoes I would apologise and say that he should focus on doing what he feels he needs to do and that you can talk when he feels better.

i just gracefully withdrew. What else could I do? No-one was asking me for emotional support or receptive to me offering it.

Can I ask what your definition of support is?

You've been told what else you could have done.

If it's a case of a personal inability to deal with emotionally difficult emotional situations with others then fair enough. Better to be apart. But what a massive shame.

He's not considering your feelings. It's all in how he puts it. If he puts it as 'I'm really sorry I'm having to do this at the moment. It won't be long' that's one thing, but to present it as something you're just expected to live with, without him appreciating it's hard for you, is annoying.

How old are you, OP? You must be either very young and self- absorbed or this is not a full story?
You do sound very selfish, I understand boundaries and all but in the circumstances given you are very unreasonable and selfish.

He's not considering your feelings. It's all in how he puts it I think that when you are strongly affected by something it is difficult to think straight and to communicate as well as you might normally.

Just to add, it was an ex that comforted me, because we had shared memories of her as a little girl, and a teen.It wasn't planned that I would turn to him, there was nothing untoward in it, but he knew her more than anyone else in my life because he had been there when she was growing up.

"Arrivacida* pls read this. It is often the 'parent' who has been close during a child's formative years that we turn to in times of stress. The mother is SUICIDAL - believe me she isn't thinking about sex. You and your boyfriend of a few months aren't meant to be together it seems but your cutting him off just at this stage does appear heartless.

Op I think you need to tell your mutual friends to please ask him not to contact you as you are very sorry about the girl’s death but you need to have some space yourself right now and you understand why he needs to spend time with his ex.

I don’t think you need to be explaining this to him directly as obviously he is too emotional, but if it comes from a mutual friend he may accept it more.

Very difficult situation for all involved. But I don’t think you have done anything wrong or heartless.

What else could I do?

Tell him you understand, he should do what he needs and you are here if he needs you.

Standing stamping your feet that you aren't getting a booty call is wholly unreasonable.

It’s all a bit odd - if he already knew, why hadn’t he told you?

What’s he doing while she’s going ‘back & forth’?

Why are the ‘mutual friends’ nit supporting her?

All a bit odd

@OldAndWornOut I am SO sorry to hear about your DD you’re doing well to just keep putting one foot in front of the other 🌷

@ParkheadParadise, as always when reading your posts about your DD 💔💕🌷

The mother is SUICIDAL

So he says... She is 'sucidal' yet her partner and family aren't any support? So suicidal that there is no one else at all?

If my partner was suicidal, nothing would stop me being there with him. Nothing.

op is NOT 'stamping her feet because she isn't getting a booty call' this is a complete mischaracterisation of what she's doing
her ex partner is trying to frame her behaviour as 'stamping her feet because she isn't getting a booty call' and you are following his cues rather than listening to her

Why isn't her partner there if she is suicidal?

@rhinoskinhavel in relation to listening to the OP, the OP's words (not the partner's framing) were We have gone back and forth over this now for a week. Every night we exhaust the conversation and end up at odds. He does not see why him “helping out a dear friend and ex partner” should impact me so strongly that I finish our relationship. I can’t believe that he is so ignorant as to not see the affect this would have on me and our relationship

It sounds like all the drama around the break up has been created by him, you "politely ended things" and withdrew, he responded by bombarding you with texts and calls etc.

I agree with other posters who are questioning why the woman's current partner, close family members etc are not supporting his suicidal ex partner.
Your partner seems to be very involved considering there was no contact for four years. I would have said that a lack of contact for that period of time suggests they were not incredibly close.
I still had contact with my stepdaughter for quite some time after her dad and I split up, the contact decreased naturally as her life and her dads moved on, I would think it a little inappropriate if something had happened to my dsd and I was the first call for serious support.

I would have said it would be completely understandable to be upset and grieving at the loss of a child who you had been involved with for some years and also understandable to reach out to the parent to let them know you had heard and were sorry for their loss etc. His actions though seem totally over the top. The fact that hehas moved in with her and responded to you with anger when you asked how things were / what was going on etc is a bit of a flag to me that things are not as straightforward as he says. There was no reason that he could not respond to you politely, ie, things are still bad, I'm still offering support as much as I can, bear with me etc etc.

I would say that it's probably best to just cut the contact now. Neither of you are gaining anything from it in terms of support and all the back and forth is just muddying the waters.

How much of a dear friend has she been for four years

Why are her other friends not taking the load also you know? It's easy to carry if you all take a corner