Advice please - DP gone AWOL due to ex partner’s tragedy

[Arrivaycida]

I’ve been dating a man (DP) since April. Everything was going really well. We were exclusive and have mutual friends, so I thought everything was above board.

About 3 weeks ago one of our mutual friends told me that my DP’s ex-partner of 10 years (who I knew about) had suddenly lost her teenage daughter in a freak accident in the UK and was coming to the UK to deal with funeral stuff and admin and the body. Obviously I was very empathetic - as much as you can be for somebody you have never met. Mutual friend also told me that DP’s ex had always suffered from poor mental health and she believed that this event might actually now tip her over the edge.

I mentioned it to DP who seemed extremely affected by it. His ex had already called him. Everything then happened so quickly. DP and I were not living together but had been seeing each other and staying over at my house once or twice a week and at weekends. He has continued to see and speak to me everyday, kept in regular touch, called me most evenings, but as far as I know he has spent every night that she has been in the UK, with her, at her house (which she has here but doesn’t live in.)

According to him and mutual friends, they are not having sex or back in a relationship, they are just spending time together and she is crying and on the verge of suicide, and he is helping her through it. He also knew her daughter well, was a surrogate father to her, and so this is profoundly affecting him as well. Apparently when she returns abroad (she is going back and forth) she has a partner who she has been with since they split.

I’ve tried to be really empathetic and understanding about this while at the same time withdrawing myself. He has now not stayed over at my house or slept with me for three weeks. Every time I ask questions about what’s going on and what he’s doing, I get a defensive response - as in I “should know exactly what he is doing” - “pulling her back from the brink of suicide.” Even our mutual friends have the same attitude.

As a result, last week, I politely ended things with him, stopped answering his calls and texts and asked him to give me space. The result was him haranguing me, apparently heartbroken, that I had finished things at such a “difficult time” in his life and saying that he is confused as to why I have done this and I need to explain why, we need to work it out and and that I am being unreasonable for not respecting his need to take time out and ending things with him so abruptly.

We have gone back and forth over this now for a week. Every night we exhaust the conversation and end up at odds. He does not see why him “helping out a dear friend and ex partner” should impact me so strongly that I finish our relationship. I can’t believe that he is so ignorant as to not see the affect this would have on me and our relationship.

He talks in gory detail about the death and all his ex-P’s feelings and suicide threats as if they should shock me into realising why he is doing what he is doing. I presume the result he wants is that I feel guilty for even suggesting there is anything else going on. As much as I empathise, I don’t feel it is right for him to be spending most nights at her house. What are they even doing? Why does he need to stay over? He says he is on suicide watch - but that is not his responsibility.

He makes the point that he and I are still speaking daily and seeing each other, that he has not been unavailable, that the only part of our relationship that is “temporarily” on hold is the sleeping together / sex. Then he reduces it to things like “why are you saying sex is more important than me attending to my close friend? If you love me and care about me, you will understand my need to prioritise.” Or “if I have to choose between sex and helping out my close friend - I choose helping her out.” It’s like a way of making me look like i’m being unreasonable.

Late at night on Friday after i’d gone to sleep I found he’d sent me a few sex texts - presumably to keep me roped in or to prove that he still sees us in a romantic relationship. But he was probably at her house?

When he doesn’t hear from me he calls and texts me incessantly about how unfair I am being for giving up on him because of this. Mutual friends who I have spoken to are agreeing with him saying it is only a temporary thing and she will soon return, after everything is dealt with, back abroad again.

Apparently their split was mutual and happened four years ago.

What the hell is going on?

[category12]

No contact is a red herring. I stopped being in contact with my ex-step-dad for years at a time, but it didn't mean I didn't care about him. I was young and living my life. He could have chased me harder, but at the same time he didn't want to impose on me.

[category12]

You always think you have plenty of time.

[mankyfourthtoe]

I couldn't deal with that situation so I would have withdrawn from the relationship, giving him the space he and his ex (not his partner need). It'll be impossible to pull apart that relationship especially in this situation so I'd just leave it all alone.

But he said "that I am being unreasonable for not respecting his need to take time out" but you are allowed the same time out!

I'd tell him he needs space and time with his ex and to stop ringing and messaging you. And tbh I'd block him for a while.

Then you'll have the space to decided whether he's worth unblocking.

[mankyfourthtoe]

• not her partner

[MeOrDP]

I don't think you deserve alot of these replies OP, I don't think many women would be ok with their DP/DH moving in with an ex for weeks on end, regardless of the awful events that have happened.

Maybe I'm biased because (like some PPs) I know of people who absolutely thrive off things like this. Infact, an ex prior to my current relationship I know for absolute certain exploited a woman's bereavement to get close and play the hero with his own agenda.

In your case it's just too much IMO, why isn't he rallying as much support as he can for her - family and friends - why does he need to move in and be with her 24-7.

Yes he was a part of the daughters life but doesn't sound to have been present at all during the past 4 years, where are the relatives who have been consistents?

I wonder what the woman's partner thinks of this.

So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable / paranoid / selfish / narcissistic. At all.

[Catmaiden]

I'd be doing just what you've done @Arrivaycida.
You've done nothing wrong, you've been kind, you are no longer happy about the relationship for whatever reason.

. And it's your choice to end it for no, or any reason!

Really nasty comments on this thread, tbh

[Mermaidsinthesand]

Most boring thread I've ever read

[Basil90]

You can tell you don't have children

[OLP2019]

I can completely see why you feel shit OP but I can also see his side
Grief is a really ugly thing . It also creates a lot of shared emotion for a time and also creates a lot of guilt.
So it's perfectly reasonable that he might be feeling "trapped" in a way because this person he once cared about is going through something horrific and for whatever reason feels she needs his support right now. He is also grieving.
Any normal person would always have a grief reaction to this kind of event.

It sounds like he has not really neglected you . He has checked in continuously with you. He has tried to talk to you and share what he's dealing with.

I think you need to be kind and wait this one out at least til the immediate dust settles on the bereavement

[hellsbellsmelons]

@Basil90 at least highlight and read all of OPs posts before making statements like that.
She IS a mum.

[Ozziewozzie]

Surely op’s dp should be notifying mental health services that she is feeling suicidal and has long term mental health issues. That’s the support the ex p needs. Op’s Dp is not qualified to help her under these circumstances. Certainly not to the extent he actually is.
She needs professional help and quickly. What if he pops out and she ends her life? He would have that in his conscience. Plus, he’s actually neglecting her well being by not getting her the appropriate support.
If a child was sick, you wouldn’t just watch them 24/7 like a guardian angel. If they needed medical care, you’d get it for them.

I can understand why op is feeling uncomfortable. There are few of us who would feel happy with dp spending 3 weeks with ex. It’s not the facts dp is supporting his ex, it’s the extent of it.
The ex is incredibly vulnerable at the moment. She’s obviously unable to make safe decisions for herself. She needs professional help, fast.,

Op, if I were you, I’d advise dp to get professional help for ex ASAP. Otherwise there is a high chance of another tragedy. This could have a profound impact on your dp.

[OldAndWornOut]

He isn't her "dp" anymore, if a six month relationship qualifies as being partners.
She has ended the relationship, so I am not sure what advice is needed, really.

I'm sure she isn't going to do a 360 degree and change her mind.

[TequilaPilates]

Surely op’s dp should be notifying mental health services that she is feeling suicidal and has long term mental health issues

Is there much help available for visitors to the country? From what you read about in the news there's not much help for people who live here permanently and are well known to mental health services.

Whatever the bf is doing, and for whatever reason, I do think the op could have let the acute phase pass before she dumped him.

And if she really wants the relationship to end then why carry on with the long discussions at night?

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

I also think you should do as you've done, step away and let your dp work through what he has to with his ex. I would normally say you need to support him as, in effect, he's lost a child (all be it not his), but sounds like he doesn't actually want your support. In his shoes I'd be supporting my ex, but also making sure I went home and spent time with my dp leaning on her for support. He's obviously not doing that.

Just tell him you've no plans to move on, and for him to contact you when he's ready to resume, and if you both feel the same way, you will. That way you can get on with your own life and leave him to sort his out

[Bored40]

I think a lot of people assume that if you have a crisis (whether it's mental health, illness or whatever) that there is automatically a service or a specifc family member who is 1. Automatically responsible 2. Available, as much or as long as needed 3. Capable.
That just isn't the case. There is no NHS mental health service that would sit with a suicidal bereaved person while they need it - it's unlikely they'd get involved at all, because being bereaved and experiencing grief (even to the point of feeling suicidal) is not a mental illness. Its an extreme, but arguably rational, response. Even if the woman had an existing MH condition exacerbated by the bereavement and qualified for NHS support while here, the most that the NHS would provide would be a crisis response service, and that's usually just someone to check in with + possibly some medication over a couple of days.

A partner might not be available for all sorts of practical reasons, esp if abroad. They could be holding the fort, keeping a roof over their heads or any of the practical things that someone still has to do when there's a crisis.

And re no 3 - some people are just better than others at dealing with stuff. Some people intuitively know what's needed, or they're calm and caring. Other people might freak out if someone cries in their vicinity. Some people might want to help but are useless (I'm sure we've all been in a situation where someone has wanted to help us but they were more of a burden than a hindrance)

Op I could understand if with this being a relatively new relationship that you felt this was a bit bigger than what you wanted to deal with. But to be jealous about the lack of attention and insinuating something is going on because he's stayed at her house and not slept with you... I don't even have the words.

[batvixen123]

Surely op’s dp should be notifying mental health services that she is feeling suicidal and has long term mental health issues

In which case she would be told to call the Samaritans or put on a waiting list for counseling, which would probably be a matter of months. If she actually makes a serious attempt at suicide she may be referred to the crisis team who would pop in to see her for five minutes, a couple of times per week. Maybe.

The expectation from the NHS is not that they can provide daily emotional support. They assume you have family and/or friends for that, and hard luck if you don't.

[batvixen123]

I also just wanted to add my voice to those who think this poor poor man is not being U. I cannot imagine anyway halfway decent or normal human not being devastated by the death of a child they helped raise for ten years. The OP's ex must be a mess. I can also absolutely imagine how the mother of the child would want to turn to someone who shared parenting duties for so long - who else could understand at all? It's completely appropriate that they support each other, especially in this initial horrific period. It's been weeks, for chrissakes. That's no time at all.

[mankyfourthtoe]

But the op is entitled to step back from a relationship if she wants. She's tried to say it's all too much and he won't accept it.

The exg is getting support from the dp. She hopefully is in no danger, it's separate from their relationship and I'd find it too much hearing about his ex all night.

So I'd back off for the duration too, and reassess after.

[fruitinaheapisnotabirthdaycake]

Don't worry about it @Arrivaycida plenty more fish in the sea

[Aderyn19]

Not rt while ft yet but I think the OP is unfairly getting a hard time. The dp is probably feeling guilty that this child that he was supposedly a 'surrogate father' to is someone he hasn't bothered seeing for the last 4 years!
I don't think he should have moved on and been the sole support system for an ex partner. She has a boyfriend and other friends. There's a big difference between being supportive (which I think the OP would have been in favour of) and dumping your own life (and everyone in it) to take full responsibility for someone you haven't seen in years. I wouldn't be happy with this either.

[sprouts21]

Unfortunately I've experienced several bereavements and witnessed many friends bereavements. There is nearly always someone who dashes in to play the hero but is actually a parasite.

This woman has a partner and friends and family to support her. Despite that an ex from 4 years ago has decided to spend each night in her home. She might not have even had a say in it. Bereaved people are incredibly vulnerable.

If she really is suicidal he is really failing her by not alerting mental health services and her family. Him talking about the death in gory detail is a red flag for me. I would be furious if someone discussed my relative like that.

[itsmecathycomehome]

"This woman has a partner and friends and family to support her."

"She has a boyfriend and other friends."

In another country.

"There is nearly always someone who dashes in to play the hero but is actually a parasite."

You have no way of knowing whether he's a parasite or there at his ex's request.

"If she really is suicidal he is really failing her by not alerting mental health services."

Having been through something similar I can assure you that they are nowhere near as responsive as you'd like to think. She might get to see someone in 6-8 months in our county. Anyway do you know that he hasn't done this?

I don't think op is BU for ending things. It's a lot to deal with in a new relationship and nobody has to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy. But OP's assessment of the situation is thoroughly U imo.

[TheMistressQuickly]

Sorry, but I don’t think it’s right that he is staying the nights with his ex partner.

I think you have a right not to be happy with this.

[sprouts21]

"You have no way of knowing whether he's a parasite or there at his ex's request". Neither do you and I'm entitled to my opinion.

"Anyway do you know that he hasn't done this?"

Do you know he has?

I don't accept that a person who is suicidal has to wait 6 months to be seen.

[batvixen123]

@sprouts21 - have you had a referral to MH services through the NHS in the last couple of years?