Advice please - DP gone AWOL due to ex partner’s tragedy

[Arrivaycida]

I’ve been dating a man (DP) since April. Everything was going really well. We were exclusive and have mutual friends, so I thought everything was above board.

About 3 weeks ago one of our mutual friends told me that my DP’s ex-partner of 10 years (who I knew about) had suddenly lost her teenage daughter in a freak accident in the UK and was coming to the UK to deal with funeral stuff and admin and the body. Obviously I was very empathetic - as much as you can be for somebody you have never met. Mutual friend also told me that DP’s ex had always suffered from poor mental health and she believed that this event might actually now tip her over the edge.

I mentioned it to DP who seemed extremely affected by it. His ex had already called him. Everything then happened so quickly. DP and I were not living together but had been seeing each other and staying over at my house once or twice a week and at weekends. He has continued to see and speak to me everyday, kept in regular touch, called me most evenings, but as far as I know he has spent every night that she has been in the UK, with her, at her house (which she has here but doesn’t live in.)

According to him and mutual friends, they are not having sex or back in a relationship, they are just spending time together and she is crying and on the verge of suicide, and he is helping her through it. He also knew her daughter well, was a surrogate father to her, and so this is profoundly affecting him as well. Apparently when she returns abroad (she is going back and forth) she has a partner who she has been with since they split.

I’ve tried to be really empathetic and understanding about this while at the same time withdrawing myself. He has now not stayed over at my house or slept with me for three weeks. Every time I ask questions about what’s going on and what he’s doing, I get a defensive response - as in I “should know exactly what he is doing” - “pulling her back from the brink of suicide.” Even our mutual friends have the same attitude.

As a result, last week, I politely ended things with him, stopped answering his calls and texts and asked him to give me space. The result was him haranguing me, apparently heartbroken, that I had finished things at such a “difficult time” in his life and saying that he is confused as to why I have done this and I need to explain why, we need to work it out and and that I am being unreasonable for not respecting his need to take time out and ending things with him so abruptly.

We have gone back and forth over this now for a week. Every night we exhaust the conversation and end up at odds. He does not see why him “helping out a dear friend and ex partner” should impact me so strongly that I finish our relationship. I can’t believe that he is so ignorant as to not see the affect this would have on me and our relationship.

He talks in gory detail about the death and all his ex-P’s feelings and suicide threats as if they should shock me into realising why he is doing what he is doing. I presume the result he wants is that I feel guilty for even suggesting there is anything else going on. As much as I empathise, I don’t feel it is right for him to be spending most nights at her house. What are they even doing? Why does he need to stay over? He says he is on suicide watch - but that is not his responsibility.

He makes the point that he and I are still speaking daily and seeing each other, that he has not been unavailable, that the only part of our relationship that is “temporarily” on hold is the sleeping together / sex. Then he reduces it to things like “why are you saying sex is more important than me attending to my close friend? If you love me and care about me, you will understand my need to prioritise.” Or “if I have to choose between sex and helping out my close friend - I choose helping her out.” It’s like a way of making me look like i’m being unreasonable.

Late at night on Friday after i’d gone to sleep I found he’d sent me a few sex texts - presumably to keep me roped in or to prove that he still sees us in a romantic relationship. But he was probably at her house?

When he doesn’t hear from me he calls and texts me incessantly about how unfair I am being for giving up on him because of this. Mutual friends who I have spoken to are agreeing with him saying it is only a temporary thing and she will soon return, after everything is dealt with, back abroad again.

Apparently their split was mutual and happened four years ago.

What the hell is going on?

[ParkheadParadise]

I've lost a child in tragic circumstances.
I don't remember the first couple of weeks. Who was there, what was said.
I can tell you 100% any physical relationship was definitely not on my mind.

[Neolara]

I think you are being incredibly unreasonable OP. You are making the life of your dp much harder at a time when he is presumably grieving a truly tragic event. Some times in life you just have to suck up stuff you don't really like because the other person's needs are so much greater than your own. If you cared about your dp, this would be one of those times.

[nomoreclue]

Oh wow. You really did all of that? Just because he hadn’t shagged you for 3 weeks?!? Blimey. You really can’t be without attention for that long? You sound horrid and immature and selfish. I can’t believe you’ve actually written all of that on here. Are you even a parent?

[Helmetbymidnight]

i agree with everyone here im afraid.

this is not like the grief at losing an elderly parent or anything like that- the loss of a child in a freak accident, well its unthinkable...

of course he is devastated and wants to support the mum while she is in the country, of course he does.

[Whocutdownthecherrytree]

He is grieving and he isn’t involving you. In many ways it’s not about you. But at the same time he’s emotionally distant. Obviously he feels responsible for helping his ex, old relationship patterns are probably coming in to play.
If you wait be the bigger person here, if you love him. Be supportive and let him take the time he needs. When he starts spending time with you again, address the issue that he basically physically disappeared and didn’t involve you in the grieving. I think that tells you a lot about where your relationship is at. If the roles were reversed would you look to him for support? Try and be mature about this. It has nothing to do with sex

[yellowallpaper]

Frankly you've done him a favour by dumping him.

[Atthebottomofthegarden]

Why exactly did you finish it? Because you think he is paying her too much attention? Or because you think he’s shagging her? I don’t get it. It’s only 3 weeks for heavens sake, and he’s phoned you every day! They’ve lost a child, for gods sake!

[Whiskers14]

When I read the title of your post I assumed he'd been gone AWOL for months, but it's only been three weeks! The poor man is trying to help out a friend who must be going through the most unimaginable trauma and you've dumped him because he hasn't been round to yours for sex. Wow, just wow.

I think you've probably lost him now, because when he does emerge from his current fog of grief he's going to think about what your actions in the last week and realise he's better off with a partner who has more empathy.

[rumred]

Hi op I think you're in a difficult position. I'd be wondering where the mother's friends and family are at such a horrendous time.
What do your closest friends think? Have you talked it over with people in real life? They are more likely to know if you're being unreasonable or not

[Lexplorer]

You argue with him EVERY day?? Have you ever heard of the word 'supportive'? He has but sadly you haven't. He deserves someone a lot less selfish, can't believe he's still in contact actually.

[saraclara]

@rumred, the OP has already said that their mutual friends think he's doing the right thing. Read the OP again.

[nespressowoo]

YABU for gods sake. He sounds like a good man who is grieving!

[NotStayingIn]

Every time I ask questions about what’s going on and what he’s doing, I get a defensive response - as in I “should know exactly what he is doing” - “pulling her back from the brink of suicide.” Even our mutual friends have the same attitude.

And yet you still haven't worked out that maybe you are in the wrong?

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

I can't believe anyone would be this self absorbed.

You are arguing with someone who has just lost a step child. Every night. Because he wants to support the child's mother by staying with her.

Unbelievable.

[Jaffacakebeast]

Need more Info, has he any relationship with his ex dd in the past 4 years? We’re they still close? Was he friendly with ex in past 4 years? If the answers are no then I think ur being perfectly reasonable to end things, if the answers are yes then I think you ought to cut him some slack

[rumred]

saraclara she mentions mutual friends. I was referring to her friends and family

[rvby]

Hes not your dp. Hes a boyfriend of 6 months.

You aren't the queen of Sheba op, you're a new girlfriend to a guy whose stepchild was tragically killed. You're honestly not that important.

Your ex and his ex partner aren't behaving immaculately at present but they have a REALLY good excuse - their shared child has died ffs. You dont have any excuse except self-absorption and breathtaking levels of impatience with the bereaved.

Step away if you must. But don't blame these people for your own selfishness and princess expectations.

[Runbikeswim]

Wow!!!
Takes self centredness to the next level!!

[HazelBite]

Goh I can't believe your post.
How selfcentred can you be?
You cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, the mother must be absolutely inconsolable, and mad with grief.
You do not deserve him, he deserves better than someone so lacking in empathy.

[Arrivaycida]

He had no relationship with the daughter for the last four years. She was around during their ten year relationship and he knew her well, but did not see her for four years when he and his ex-P split. At the time he was “like a surrogate father” but not in the last four years since the split.

I just don’t think it is his sole responsibility to be dealing with his ex partner at this time. I have an ex of more than ten years who I get on well with, and I also have DC but I would not be asking that ex to live with me during this time. I would not see it as his responsibility.

[Whiskers14]

You really are going to keep banging that 'he's being unreasonable' drum, aren't you? It doesn't matter that he hadn't seen the girl for four years, he clearly has loving memories of being her surrogate dad and wants to help her mother in her hour of need. Maybe she doesn't have anyone else she can rely on right now, maybe she does. Really, who cares? Your boyfriend is demonstrating what a kind, amazing man he is and your unwillingness to see that means you are clearly unsuited. Hopefully he'll soon tire of the nightly rows (I mean, REALLY?!) and will give you all the space you want by cutting you off entirely.

[readingnc]

Jesus. So because you wouldn't see it as your ex's "responsibility" everyone else has to act the same. I haven't seen my ex's daughter in a few years. I love her like I always did. I'd be there like a shot if there was anything this tragic going on.

You are being insanely selfish and odd

[Bellringer]

Where is her partner and friends? I would understand he needs to give a lot of support but not move in. Has she seen a doctor?
It is tragic and he will be affected for a long time. It won't be easy for you but give him a bit of space.your relationship is quite new, this woman will go home eventually.

[lottelupin]

He sounds like a pain in the neck. With respect, I'm not sure I'd even want to have sex with him. You're calling (reasonably) on your fledgling time together (supposed to be his future) and saying basically hey I miss you and want you, and he's saying how could you possibly lower the tone when he's stopping his ex committing suicide?

Ok, fair enough, he's been v close to the child and must also be grieving. I think really they are are united in their grief. You aren't part of this. He doesn't want to break off and spend the night with you. He is, it's true, being a v good support in an awful moment and he's also devastated.

Hmm.

He's asking that you cut him some slack. It depends really how well things were going. This impasse now makes me feel you aren't on the totally same page.

You aren't wrong, but in a way neither is he. I think maybe it just might not be the best match.

I myself would be upset if I were insecure, but if I was secure, I'd feel ok, I think. But then it is a BIG ask on his part. Hmm. No. I wouldn't like it. I'd think he was having sex with her and sleeping next to her, to stop her committing suicide. Yep. I wouldn't like it.

Ok, you're right.

[sonjadog]

No matter the right or wrong of it, you don't have to be in a relationship you don't want to be in, and if you want to end it, then he needs to respect that.