A year of being hidden

[Sparkslilly]

Hi all. Sorry for the long message but I really need some advice. I'll try and keep this long story as brief as possible.

Last year I left my husband, 4 months later I met someone who I have worked with for years but never really talked to, who I discovered was also getting a divorce. I had heard rumours about this man cheating on his wife so the first day we went out, I asked him about his affair and he admitted he had cheated on his wife because he was unhappy and looking for a way out but the consequences of his cheating were terrible. He ended up in hospital after the womans husband beat him up. I decided to not judge as I didnt know him back then and didnt know his relationship. The woman he cheated with is a parent from his childs school.

So we stood by each other, I learned that his wife was extremely violent to him, headbuting him and punching him etc even trying to get him arrested a few times, it was a lot to take in especially after just coming out of a marriage where I was cheated on, but I stood by him and we moved in together in december, though we kept our relationship quiet because of his crazy ex (who ended up stalking his new house by driving round searching for his car with his personalised number plate on the drive of every 'to let's house) 🙄 and because he wanted to divorce her he didnt want her to have any reason to keep him from seeing his kids (such as a new relationship with me)
On Valentines day, I woke up to the most romantic thing I have ever seen, he really went all out trying to spoil me but then our day was ruined when his ex caused trouble between him and the woman he slept with once last year from school (who ended up ringing him on valentines day running our day together)
Anyway, eventually I met his kids in February this year after his wife agreed to it, but that didnt stop her being nasty. Shes always saying how much she hates her kids and wishes she never had them. She stopped him seeing his kids all summer because he is happy with me and she is bitter. She uses them as pawns all the time and it's really cruel to watch
So court dates started for him as he knew his ex wouldnt go easily as he said she always believed she would go back to him.
There have been times where my boyfriend would randomly snap at me for something and I wouldnt understand why, almost like there was something bigger bothering him. It's been the strangest thing, like hes been wanting to tell me something but instead just snaps at me as a defence.
Through our year together we have had a few arguments about the lady at school he slept with messaging him every time he picks his kids up from school. It makes me uncomfortable even though he tells me theres nothing to worry about, I dont think it's right that she texts him whenever she likes and that he replies to her when he tells me he doesnt want anything to do with her 🙄 it doesnt make sense to me. Hes told me shes a slag and will go after anyone but that doesnt really make me feel better because hes with me now and he says he's happy with me so why feel the need to converse with her? Especially especially her husband hospitalised him for sleeping with her. But whenever I tell him how I feel about it, he goes mardy and tells me to let it go. Which really annoys me.

So on our one year anniversary he proposed to me, which was a complete shock but I accepted, he makes me so happy I couldnt help but say yes, even though on the days leading up to it we weren't speaking due to the woman from school and i very nearly left him because I didnt want to be continuously lied to again.
I've been divorced since April (my divorce was civil)

All through our relationship I have had to hide, I cant go into the school, I can't wait in the car when he picks his kids up, I can't post on Facebook anything (even our engagement) he never changes his pics to one of me and him, all because he wants his divorce to go through (18 months after leaving her!)
I'm tired of feeling hidden away. He wants to marry me. Why wont he shout it to the world?
2 weeks after we got engaged, the bombshell hit. His kid told us in the car something their mum had told them and my partner went pale. I knew then that this was the secret he had been keeping from me.
When he was 17 he slept with someone who got pregnant and had a baby, she told him it was his but she said she wasnt sure, when he was 18 the woman said she wanted her boyfriend to bring up the kid his own which he agreed to as he wasnt ready to be a father. It all made sense to me when he told me that. Though hearing it from his daughter wasnt ideal. He should have told me.

Last night I found out he had been texting the woman from school AGAIN after telling me he doesnt see her anymore as they line up at different sides and her other kid goes to a different school now. He also told her about the secret van we have and she said (after being told of the seat heaters)" I love a warm bum 😜"
Should I be annoyed with this? Am I overthinking everything? Hes asked me to marry him yet I still feel like hes lying to me! And I'm afraid to ask him about it because when I do, he goes mardy and always tells me to get over it! Need some advice please. Feeling really exhausted from all these emotions.

He's a serial womanizer OP. His ex wife knows about you and agreed to let you meet the kids so why does he need to keep you a secret to get a divorce? BS! He needs to keep you a secret because he's still carrying on with this woman from the school! No wonder his ex wife is so annoyed. He cheated on her and do you really believe for a second that he was being physically beaten by her but still managed to go and sleep with one of the mothers from the school gate? If he was being beaten and abused, I doubt he'd risk having such an affair! He paints himself as a victim but he is not.

He should have that woman blocked and not have any contact but he does because he wants to! It's very easy to ignore and cut people off if you want to but generally people don't because they want the attention/contact.

Don't listen to all this stuff about his ex wife being a psycho and doing all these things. She may well have done some unsavoury things after being mortified and cheated on but how likely is it that she's the psycho he's made her out to be? Is it more likely that this woman from the school has suggested to his ex wife that she still has contact with your DP and this has fuelled her with rage because she can now see just how much of an arse he is? Cheats on her with this woman, gets with you and introduces the kids only for her to find out that he is STILL contacting this woman and essentially gaslighting you as well? Maybe she is just fed up of not knowing what woman is going to be around her kids because it could be you now then in a few months time, this woman from the school gates! Maybe her behaviour is actually concern for her kids now that she is aware just how much of a womaniser her ex is.

So to summarise, he has one kid that he has ignored all it's life, he was married and cheated then left, he has gotten with you quite quickly after splitting from his ex and he now still has contact with the woman he cheated on? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him! And I think it works for him to paint his ex wife as a loony. She can't be that much of one if she accepted the relationship you have with her ex and said ok to introducing the kids. Her angry clearly comes from his messing around and dishonesty with this woman from the school gates

Where have you gone op ?

You haven't fallen in love with him. You've fallen in love with all the drama and the stories and the secrecy.
There is nothing healthy about this relationship. He is constantly lying to you. He's keeping you unsettled and walking on eggshells with his random 'mardy-ness'. He's obviously still having an affair with the woman from the school.
You deserve better. End it. Block his number

GeneHuntLover

Did she?
If you really know this, like every other woman who's ever been abused then why would any ever be abused?

You are saying shes choosing abuse. That is blaming, isn't it? Laying responsibility at her door for choosing to be abused?

It's really unhelpful for op to have this on her thread it what matters. She's asked for clarity because its not clear to her, lets not blame her for not knowing or seeing it straightaway.

We live in a mysogynistic society where young girls/women are being ever more expected to comply and take blame. The freedom programme exists to clarify the complex. Many don't see the undertone thats kept as hidden as possible, and feel confused by red flags.

It isntt as simple as some would make out.

She's been brave to post

What FineWords said. Particularly

• he cheated on his wife
• he talks about previous sexual partners with contempt
• he claims his wife was violent. Its not that this is impossible, but it is also very comon for abusive men to claim that they were the victims, when in fact they were the perpetrators.

• he claims his wife is violent and unstable, yet has left his kids in in her sole care
• he shuts down when you try to talk about things

• he makes grand romantic gestures to get what he wants

Tbh OP you are as problematic as he is, albeit in a different way. You are willing to join in his tedious drama re women and you speak disparagingly of the women too. No empathy, it's all their fault not The Great Man's fault

Anyway enjoy it for now. Your saintly knight in shining armour is just a useless lying cunt in cheap tin foil, who gets by on targetting lonely vulnerable women who are desperate for a man in their lives. Women whos heads are turned by grand gestures (as if that's what day to day life is about) and feeding eagerly on spiteful gossip about his exes as you think you're seen as better than them.

Good luck.

Think about how gross it is for a man to call a woman a slag when he slept with her repeatedly and is still in touch with her.

Just think how disgusting it is for him to speak about someone in that way when they aren't around then flirt with them, kiss them, touch them, shag them and even after that stuff stops, maintain contact with them because they like the attention all despite calling them a "slag" who would shag anyone... He sounds like an absolute cunt.

Men who have exes who are exclusively "mental" and "slags" tend to be liars.

You don't trust him and have no reason to do so. If you stay with him you are asking for a life of utter exhaustion, you will constantly be second guessing yourself, going through drama llama cycles where you have a huge trust bust up, play the "I can't live without her / but I love him" cards and get back together then rinse and repeat.

Don't you want to be with someone who makes you feel loved and secure as a rule? If you are this worried now then he does not make you feel as loved and secure as you need to be in a healthy relationship.

It sounds ridiculously toxic and tbh childish from all parts! Poor kids too being let in on this big secret / lies / drama.

Someone in the situation needs to step up, grow up and end it. I think you'll feel better about yourself if that person is you.

Or more simply - he's a headfuck, bin him off.

Honestly I'm shaking my head reading about this total shit show. I don't have anything else to add as look like everyone else has It covered.

You can't be for real op?? He got you a puppy and a kitten and now wants to have a baby with you? Fucking brilliant.

You sound very naive.

You need time on your own. You were only divorced a few months ago.

This man is not the faithful type and his life is a mess . He sounds like he needs to grow up.

Run for the hills.

Dramarama going on. He's a womanizer and he has you all hooked and tricked.

Calling a woman he slept with and still talks to and still quite possibly has sex with a slag?? Come on OP. With a history like his, charming the pants off various women and probably children you don't even know about, the only person who is the slag in this equation is HIM.

My abusive ex called a random woman walking past in tight jeans and kneelength boots a slag.... I SHOULD have known at that particular moment that he was what he was. HE was the slag who was jealous, manipulative, a player and a VERY skilled liar. But he did give plenty of tells to show me who he was and I EXCUSED ALL OF THEM.... He was also, however, good in bed and a great cook and most of the time quite charming, plus the sex and food bit had me fairly mesmerised, so I was stupid and made endless excuses..

Sounds like you are doing the same? Or hoping someone here tells you he sounds like one of the good guys.

Well he IS a liar.. so what else is he lying about?

Are you younger than him or less experienced?

Oh dear, please get out now. You are being manipulated, you are both on a rebound relationship. This is doomed to fail. Don't beat yourself up about it. He's very wrong for you and the timing is all wrong for both of you. Please step back, re assess your life and get out as fast as you can.

OP you haven't come back to the thread for a while and I can understand why. But I hope you are reading and taking in all the advice. I have had a read through as well and absolutely no one is going for your gut instinct option 2. There is a reason for this. I am sorry but Yes, you are being manipulated .

No matter how hard you find it ...end this now .
I’m not going to repeat what so many others have said ... but yes people do manipulate to that dreadful extent ..
Do NOT waste another moment of your time trying to figure out what he feels and displays is genuine or not ...the facts alone re his behaviour are bad enough
It’s all toxic and damaging to you ...
Please leave and take care of yourself.

He love bombed you and his mother is now lovebombing you too. The apple doesn't fall far from the crazy, controlling tree.

All this drama and toxicity - and he is right at the centre with a butter-wouldn't-melt "who me?" 😇

This guy wilfully brought this seedy drama to his own little child's school by shagging a married mother of his child's schoolmate. Christ almighty.

It'll be you one day, he will drive your sanity into the ground and it will be you driving around trying to find his personalised 🙄 license plate.

Look at your incredibly long post. You're already angsting over him, losing perspective. Your sanity is already slipping - and the common denominator to all this insanity, of you, the mother at school, her husband becoming violent, the crazy ex ... it's him. The Big Victim. 🤔

Here. 🗑 Put him squarely in there and go find yourself one of the very, very many incredibly average single men out there. You deserve the bare minimum of decent man, at the very least, don't you think? Don't you think you're worth more than this? I do.

Jesus Crivens what have I just read

Gaslighting bastard, OP you are his dirty little secret. You know this is not an open loving public relationship. He's a lying scumbag BUT only you can change what is happening to you.

Can I offer something from a professiononal perspective? I am not going to offer advice because you have had plenty of that already and, in the end, only you can make the decisions that are going to affect your life in quite a profound way, whichever way you choose to go.

My background is 20 years as a child protection social worker which involved working with the courts and CAFCASS. You need to know that if CAFCASS is involved they are looking out purely for the welfare of the child/children and as such will be interviewing everyone involved in the children's lives. That would include you. If you are only hearing about CAFCASS involvement via your partner then he isn't being honest with either you or them. It is unlikely that they know you exist.

I do agree with others on here who are saying that you don't know the full story. As I said, no advice but the fact that you are asking opinion indicates that you are going to be making some big decisions. Before you do that the only thing that I would suggest is that you sit together calmly, lay out your feelings, and tell him everything you know. He may be frightened to tell you everything in case you leave him but lack of trust is no basis for a relationship. You need to know the truth.

Good luck Sparks xx

WTF. Get out of this now. It’s not going to get any better and is just going to get worse and worse and worse. He sounds like a total loser.

There are boundaries and standards that you can have in a relationship or friendship that you should expect to be honoured by ppl who love you.
Honesty is one and so is not speaking to someone you were once intimate with.
It’s not unreasonable to want this. To me it sounds like he can’t meet these standards.

Personally I’d run. If he couldn’t be honest without cheating on his first wife...how will he act with you.

Save yourself the headache

Run for the hills!!

Almost everyone echoed my sentiments on this thread. This guy is a walking cliché of a controlling, narcissistic and at the very least emotionally abusive man. DO speak to his wife! I bet you that you will find out a completely different situation, probably a complete 180 degree u-turn to his story in reality. You are very likely to find out that he was physically abusive and intimidating. He is a serial cheat and is already cheating on you. That’s why you are not supposed to be at the school pick-up. If his ex supposedly knows about you, there is zero reason for you to not be visible on his social media. On what planet does it matter if some former affair partner finds out about you? She has zero impact on your situation, unless he is fucking her. A man who refers to a former/ongoing social partner as ‘slag’ is seriously bad news. The kitten and puppy are there to trap you and keep you anchored; they are the baby substitute for now. Find out everything about the financial situation about your house and mortgage to make sure you are not being in a precarious financial situation. You need to see proof about everything. None of the information is first-hand and verifiable, it’s all his say-so. If the house is solely in your name, then change the locks and work out if you can afford payments by yourself. If yes, carry on and safe-guard your property. If you cannot afford to make payments by yourself, consider a lodger/sublet etc or sell up. You are at a crossroad OP, please do not let misguided personal vanity get in the way, thinking that he will be different with you. He is selling you a pack of lies and you will have some bad times ahead. It is meant to be easy and joyous at the beginning of a relationship, yet you have been in a shitshow right from the off. You know he is a wrong-un, otherwise you would not have posted on here. Let everyone’s advice and comments really sink in. You know deep down they are all right and your gut instinct says the same.

^^^^
All of the above. Every single thing you've said about him makes him seem sleazy and unreliable. And every single thing you've said about the ex, the woman from school, CAFCASS... you've only got his word for it.

And he's NOT a nice guy. For one thing, he's almost definitely got that puppy from an abusive puppy farmer - no responsible breeder would ever sell a puppy or a kitten to someone giving it as a 'surprise present'.

You are worth more than this.

‘Mental’ exes are often frustrated, badly treated women who kick up a fuss (as they bloody well should) when being lied to and made to feel like they’re being unreasonable for questioning things.

You are now a ‘mental ex’ in training.

‘Mental’ exes are often frustrated, badly treated women who kick up a fuss (as they bloody well should) when being lied to and made to feel like they’re being unreasonable for questioning things

You are now a ‘mental ex’ in training

^^Yup

You are now a ‘mental ex’ in training.

Nailed it.

the 'secret van' is being hid so the courts dont know and he wont have to share that asset with his x wife and family....he sounds a right charmer, and if you think thats ok you probably deserve each other!

i suspect there is no mortgage on the house you are living in....did you go and view it, did you sign any paperwork....if he has a mortgage on it then he cant put it in your name, and also how is that hiding his assets...hes a scam artist and a cheater and a liar (its rented 100%)