A year of being hidden

[Sparkslilly]

Hi all. Sorry for the long message but I really need some advice. I'll try and keep this long story as brief as possible.

Last year I left my husband, 4 months later I met someone who I have worked with for years but never really talked to, who I discovered was also getting a divorce. I had heard rumours about this man cheating on his wife so the first day we went out, I asked him about his affair and he admitted he had cheated on his wife because he was unhappy and looking for a way out but the consequences of his cheating were terrible. He ended up in hospital after the womans husband beat him up. I decided to not judge as I didnt know him back then and didnt know his relationship. The woman he cheated with is a parent from his childs school.

So we stood by each other, I learned that his wife was extremely violent to him, headbuting him and punching him etc even trying to get him arrested a few times, it was a lot to take in especially after just coming out of a marriage where I was cheated on, but I stood by him and we moved in together in december, though we kept our relationship quiet because of his crazy ex (who ended up stalking his new house by driving round searching for his car with his personalised number plate on the drive of every 'to let's house) 🙄 and because he wanted to divorce her he didnt want her to have any reason to keep him from seeing his kids (such as a new relationship with me)
On Valentines day, I woke up to the most romantic thing I have ever seen, he really went all out trying to spoil me but then our day was ruined when his ex caused trouble between him and the woman he slept with once last year from school (who ended up ringing him on valentines day running our day together)
Anyway, eventually I met his kids in February this year after his wife agreed to it, but that didnt stop her being nasty. Shes always saying how much she hates her kids and wishes she never had them. She stopped him seeing his kids all summer because he is happy with me and she is bitter. She uses them as pawns all the time and it's really cruel to watch
So court dates started for him as he knew his ex wouldnt go easily as he said she always believed she would go back to him.
There have been times where my boyfriend would randomly snap at me for something and I wouldnt understand why, almost like there was something bigger bothering him. It's been the strangest thing, like hes been wanting to tell me something but instead just snaps at me as a defence.
Through our year together we have had a few arguments about the lady at school he slept with messaging him every time he picks his kids up from school. It makes me uncomfortable even though he tells me theres nothing to worry about, I dont think it's right that she texts him whenever she likes and that he replies to her when he tells me he doesnt want anything to do with her 🙄 it doesnt make sense to me. Hes told me shes a slag and will go after anyone but that doesnt really make me feel better because hes with me now and he says he's happy with me so why feel the need to converse with her? Especially especially her husband hospitalised him for sleeping with her. But whenever I tell him how I feel about it, he goes mardy and tells me to let it go. Which really annoys me.

So on our one year anniversary he proposed to me, which was a complete shock but I accepted, he makes me so happy I couldnt help but say yes, even though on the days leading up to it we weren't speaking due to the woman from school and i very nearly left him because I didnt want to be continuously lied to again.
I've been divorced since April (my divorce was civil)

All through our relationship I have had to hide, I cant go into the school, I can't wait in the car when he picks his kids up, I can't post on Facebook anything (even our engagement) he never changes his pics to one of me and him, all because he wants his divorce to go through (18 months after leaving her!)
I'm tired of feeling hidden away. He wants to marry me. Why wont he shout it to the world?
2 weeks after we got engaged, the bombshell hit. His kid told us in the car something their mum had told them and my partner went pale. I knew then that this was the secret he had been keeping from me.
When he was 17 he slept with someone who got pregnant and had a baby, she told him it was his but she said she wasnt sure, when he was 18 the woman said she wanted her boyfriend to bring up the kid his own which he agreed to as he wasnt ready to be a father. It all made sense to me when he told me that. Though hearing it from his daughter wasnt ideal. He should have told me.

Last night I found out he had been texting the woman from school AGAIN after telling me he doesnt see her anymore as they line up at different sides and her other kid goes to a different school now. He also told her about the secret van we have and she said (after being told of the seat heaters)" I love a warm bum 😜"
Should I be annoyed with this? Am I overthinking everything? Hes asked me to marry him yet I still feel like hes lying to me! And I'm afraid to ask him about it because when I do, he goes mardy and always tells me to get over it! Need some advice please. Feeling really exhausted from all these emotions.

CAFCASS (for those who know) have told him he has nothing to worry about with his kids as any social services files or police files all show him as the innocent one and his ex as the guilty one.

Guilty of what? If she is that bad why isn't he fighting tooth and nail to get his DCs full time and away from her influence?

I'm probably blinded by his good nature. He does have a good heart and his mum (who I'm now very close to) tells me all the time about how much he adores me and loves me and wants his future with me. He surely wouldnt tell his mum those feelings for me if he doesnt mean it?

Perhaps she's happy she doesn't have to deal with the consequences of him while you are in the picture.

The van is secret because if his ex finds out he has bought one it can effect their finances through court.

So you are happy to support him commit ffraud and deny his children and the woman who gave birth to them out of their legal entitlement?

I'd wager you know less than half of this story OP. Protect yourself and remove him from your life.

You have been love bombed and lied to. You ask how to get over him. The man you love doesn’t even exist. He is an illusion. He’s made up. Once you really, fully understand this, yes it will hurt. But you can get through this.

I suggest you spend some time alone before you jump into another relationship. You need to get to know yourself first. The freedom programme could be good for this. You need to work out your boundaries - you’re really lacking them.

'hear what you're saying, but theres been things like hes been teaching me how to drive and he bought me a puppy and a kitten and he let me meet his children who always tell him that they adore me and I adore them.'

Fucking hell

Is this for real

TBH you sound like a great match

If he says the other woman knows about you and how special you are, then why aren't you even allowed to wait in the car at school pick up? What's important about being hidden at school if he says the girlfriend knows? Everyone else knows. So why if the ex ow knows, why can't you go to school and even sit and wait in the car. It just doesn't make sense.

I bet you're pregnant by Christmas. Please get out. So unhealthy. You're not tied to him. Just get rid. You can do better

OP I don't mean to sound horrible but there is something very desperate about you.

4 months after your divorce, you start seeing a married man who has cheated on his wife, who is in violent altercations with multiple people (according to him). And your response to this is to pursue a relationship with him.

You need to do some self introspection. Why did you pursue a relationship with someone with so many problems? Why do you stay with someone who manipulates you and keeps you hidden? Whatever it is that you are truly looking for (love, validation, comfort, etc) you wont be finding it with this man.

Who’a paying for the kitten’s and puppy’s upkeep - food, dog walker, vets/ insurance? That’s not a present, that’s a financial liability you were “gifted”. If you wanted pets, surely you would have researched the subject yourself?

I get it. You had an unhappy marriage and you were cheated on, so you were desperate for a man who's going to pour all his love into you and make you feel so wanted. Which this man does.

For now. But his trail of cheated on, left behind, angry women seems to tell another story. If he's so lovely, why would he cheat? Why not leave his (apparently) abusive marriage decently? All these stories of women using 'not seeing the kids' as a weapon, yet apparently needing the dad to provide childcare, pick up the kids etc etc seems to tell a different side.

Giving you a puppy and kitten is almost sinister. He's not got something he can threaten you with ('do as I say or we get rid of the dog/cat'). He hasn't yet, because he hasn't quite got you. He wants to have a baby quickly so that you are trapped.

If you must continue in this relationship (because you can't yet see any bad in him), DON'T get pregnant, DON'T give up your job and DO keep money in an account he can't get at.

You'll need it.

now got something he can threaten you with.

He’s an absolute lying arsehole.

He sounds AWFUL. Please do not marry him!!

I am sorry you are having your head and feelings messed with this way, yes, it is exhausting, and its damaging, because you can no longer trust what he's saying, yet he says and does all this wonderful stuff. How confusing, no wonder your head is messed up with it.

Have you heard of cognitive dissonance? Its exhausting and its the name for what you've described.

Have you heard of love-bombing? Grand gestures and pronouncements of love to you and anyone who'll listen, that will feed it back to you (oh he's so in love, never seen him so happy).
Noone who cares about animals buys one for someone else that way. Thats just how it is.
These are all glue to tie you.

Its an odd way to treat your own dc isn't it,the things you've told us. That the house has to be in your name, that noone can know about the van.

Hiding money from your own children so you can avoid supporting them financially is an abusive father. Please take a trip over to the guest chat on MN about fathers that are doing this and putting their children and the dms into poverty. It makes very grim reading. This one seems to really have the script! . Very grim indeed.

You are confusing his behaviour, his gestures, as love. A good, loving partner does not seek to distress or confuse the one they love. They try to explain so you know, as thats what builds trust, hes actively destroying yours which is why you feel this way.

Please don't ever blame yourself for this, for feeling like this. He really had you in a spin, and it's how women who are being manipulated feel. So it's not you that's wrong here, please don't die on this hill!

The simple reason you cannot get to the bottom of anything is because he is stopping you.

Of course he doesn't want you to speak to his ex, he doesn't want anyone to know where you are, or your van, in case someone tells you something.

You will not get to the bottom of this, and shouldn't keep trying to, it will cause you so much more unnecessary grief and self-doubt as to be harmful.

Keep listening to your gut and know the difference between people who are easy and open and make you feel good, and those that swing between two extremes!

. Believe in yourself, you deserve better than this treatment and you know it. You are getting trapped in his nightmare life.

Someone tell me straight. Am I being manipulated?

Yes.

Someone tell me straight. Am I being manipulated?
yes you’re being manipulated by a serial habitual liar
And you probably know this on a certain level,but feel conflicted and don’t want to believe. You’ve invested time & emotion in a man who’s a lied, told twisted stories and manipulated you. He’s created a fraught you & him Vs the big bad world and (insert any name) drama.

As difficult as it is to process this, you need to end this relationship. Put yourself first. Garner what support you can and extricate yourself from him

probably blinded by his good nature. He does have a good heart

I'm so sorry my lovely but the truth is that he doesn't have a good heart and he isn't good natured. You're in love with somebody who doesn't exist.

Nobody responsible buys a puppy and a kitten for somebody who they're in a new relationship with, especially if it wasn't discussed thoroughly beforehand.

Nobody good hearted speaks of a woman he was happy to be intimate with as a slag. Or any woman for goodness sake. How he speaks of his "crazy ex" will be how he speaks of you one day.

Nobody good hearted puts money into a property with a secret lover before their divorce is finalized.

Please for the love of god make sure you don't get pregnant.

Sorry this is not going to work. You don't trust him and with good reason. If you suspect there's something going on then I'm sure there is. Trust your gut. Do not marry him. This sounds exhausting and it is not good for you or the kids. Get out of the relationship.

Please look around and see how he's blaming everyone else, and he is already blaming you, for even daring to ask things you have a right to know in a relationship.

This does happen to a lot of women, you are not unusual in being lied to by a bad man, or for believing that someone loves you when they tell you they do. However, his behaviour is also telling you something else. If this is love (and it doesn't matter whether it is) he has a funny way of showing it (big gestures are easy when you have enough money).

The hard stuff of real love is being painfully honest about who you are to someone you love and trust.

You can be sure of a regular supply of gifts, or head mess from this guy whenever he suspects you to be less than enamoured with him. If he thought you were leaving the relationship he willl pull out all the stops, huge gestures, protestations of undying love,you are the only one in the whole world that matters, blah blah blah, or he could go the other way. Whichever, you will always be the one to blame.

If you are ok with this, it's your choice. Just know what you are into. Eyes wide open.

Once you have your own dc you will be more reliant on him. This makes him feel secure (as does making you responsible for other little lives by buying you them).

A pp very wisely suggested you make an enquiry under 'Clares Law', quietly, on your own.

OP, do you absolutely know that the OW knows about you? Because my bet is that he’s actually still sleeping with her and that he doesn’t want her to know that you’re together.

After all, if they’re not together then there’s no reason to keep you a secret is there? It’s not as if she’s going to gain anything by showing you up in the school playground, unless it’s to tell you the truth and that they’re still sleeping together.

Have you seen these texts of her’s or does he just tell you what’s in them?

And then there’s his secret child who you didn’t know about until a year in. Which his kids know about and you don’t. How many other secret children might there be which even his kids don’t know about...?

And even if all this was true, would you really want to be in the middle of this much drama?

I dont know what else to say apart from 'what the fuck!'

Someone tell me straight. Am I being manipulated?

Yes

...and it won't be your choice anymore (once you have dc, I mean) they could be taken from you as others have a legal duty to protect them.

The CAFCASS line he's fed you, or you've seen, is pretty meaningless bearing in mind the number of dc that are handed over to dangerous men 'as its in the dcs best interests'. Their words are pretty meaningless and they repeatedly ignore huge red flags, in fact dc have died as a direct result of authorities' actions in making sure fathers needs demands are complied with.

Abusive men are also very good at getting dc removed from their dms, so it is very surprising his dd is with his 'violent' ex.

I'm sorry for you, I best this thread is really upsetting. But it's all true, he is a cheating, lying, manipulative man. DO NOT get pregnant, you're just going to wreck your whole life if you do, and that of your child. Keep your eyes wide open. You are not engaged if he's not shouting it from the rooftops, he's just waved the ring at you to keep you gooey eyed. Start looking at how you could seperate from him. Take your time if you need to, but please don't be fooled.

What do your friends and family think of all this secret news and the surprise child etc?

I honestly could of written this post about 20 years ago, except for the addition of playground mum affair.
All I can say is once it settles down with his ex wife, these kind of characters will be looking for drama elsewhere, you will never have any peace, they are damaged be it from mental illness, or a personality disorder and they will wear you down with it.
Get out now whilst it’s still early days and get some counselling to help with your self esteem issues and your own marriage breakdown.

I'm sorry to say that you're being manipulated. You sound like such a caring and kind person.

If he cared for you the way he says he does that he would respect you enough to not text the woman who he fucked behind his wife's back...once a cheat...

There is so much drama here (from his side). If you do stay with him, you'll be forever a part of it. None of this reeks of a healthy relationship. What are your thoughts?