A year of being hidden

[Sparkslilly]

Hi all. Sorry for the long message but I really need some advice. I'll try and keep this long story as brief as possible.

Last year I left my husband, 4 months later I met someone who I have worked with for years but never really talked to, who I discovered was also getting a divorce. I had heard rumours about this man cheating on his wife so the first day we went out, I asked him about his affair and he admitted he had cheated on his wife because he was unhappy and looking for a way out but the consequences of his cheating were terrible. He ended up in hospital after the womans husband beat him up. I decided to not judge as I didnt know him back then and didnt know his relationship. The woman he cheated with is a parent from his childs school.

So we stood by each other, I learned that his wife was extremely violent to him, headbuting him and punching him etc even trying to get him arrested a few times, it was a lot to take in especially after just coming out of a marriage where I was cheated on, but I stood by him and we moved in together in december, though we kept our relationship quiet because of his crazy ex (who ended up stalking his new house by driving round searching for his car with his personalised number plate on the drive of every 'to let's house) 🙄 and because he wanted to divorce her he didnt want her to have any reason to keep him from seeing his kids (such as a new relationship with me)
On Valentines day, I woke up to the most romantic thing I have ever seen, he really went all out trying to spoil me but then our day was ruined when his ex caused trouble between him and the woman he slept with once last year from school (who ended up ringing him on valentines day running our day together)
Anyway, eventually I met his kids in February this year after his wife agreed to it, but that didnt stop her being nasty. Shes always saying how much she hates her kids and wishes she never had them. She stopped him seeing his kids all summer because he is happy with me and she is bitter. She uses them as pawns all the time and it's really cruel to watch
So court dates started for him as he knew his ex wouldnt go easily as he said she always believed she would go back to him.
There have been times where my boyfriend would randomly snap at me for something and I wouldnt understand why, almost like there was something bigger bothering him. It's been the strangest thing, like hes been wanting to tell me something but instead just snaps at me as a defence.
Through our year together we have had a few arguments about the lady at school he slept with messaging him every time he picks his kids up from school. It makes me uncomfortable even though he tells me theres nothing to worry about, I dont think it's right that she texts him whenever she likes and that he replies to her when he tells me he doesnt want anything to do with her 🙄 it doesnt make sense to me. Hes told me shes a slag and will go after anyone but that doesnt really make me feel better because hes with me now and he says he's happy with me so why feel the need to converse with her? Especially especially her husband hospitalised him for sleeping with her. But whenever I tell him how I feel about it, he goes mardy and tells me to let it go. Which really annoys me.

So on our one year anniversary he proposed to me, which was a complete shock but I accepted, he makes me so happy I couldnt help but say yes, even though on the days leading up to it we weren't speaking due to the woman from school and i very nearly left him because I didnt want to be continuously lied to again.
I've been divorced since April (my divorce was civil)

All through our relationship I have had to hide, I cant go into the school, I can't wait in the car when he picks his kids up, I can't post on Facebook anything (even our engagement) he never changes his pics to one of me and him, all because he wants his divorce to go through (18 months after leaving her!)
I'm tired of feeling hidden away. He wants to marry me. Why wont he shout it to the world?
2 weeks after we got engaged, the bombshell hit. His kid told us in the car something their mum had told them and my partner went pale. I knew then that this was the secret he had been keeping from me.
When he was 17 he slept with someone who got pregnant and had a baby, she told him it was his but she said she wasnt sure, when he was 18 the woman said she wanted her boyfriend to bring up the kid his own which he agreed to as he wasnt ready to be a father. It all made sense to me when he told me that. Though hearing it from his daughter wasnt ideal. He should have told me.

Last night I found out he had been texting the woman from school AGAIN after telling me he doesnt see her anymore as they line up at different sides and her other kid goes to a different school now. He also told her about the secret van we have and she said (after being told of the seat heaters)" I love a warm bum 😜"
Should I be annoyed with this? Am I overthinking everything? Hes asked me to marry him yet I still feel like hes lying to me! And I'm afraid to ask him about it because when I do, he goes mardy and always tells me to get over it! Need some advice please. Feeling really exhausted from all these emotions.

If he loved you or even respected you, he would stop contacting this woman. He's basically shagging her in plain sight.

There was a thread around yesterday about why so many women choose arseholes to have children with. I’d read it if I were you.

What will you do if he’s still texting school Mum after you get married? I remember when DH and I got engaged - I was on cloud 9, not worried about his interactions with other women...........

I don’t know if you’ll take any of the advice you’ve been given on board, but seriously, you should probably look at the Women’s Aid freedom programme. It might help you see what everyone on this thread can see - if you carry on a relationship with this man, in a year you will be starting a thread about being home alone with an infant while your DP is out shagging someone else and telling you it’s all your fault.

Regardless of the soon to be ex why is he still communicating with the woman from the school? Why hasn't he blocked her? If it's true her partner/hubby attacked him then surely there's a potential for this to happen again once he knows there's some communication still happening?

I'm struggling to feel any sympathy, you knew what he was like before you got together yet you still did....and 4 months after your split?

More red flags than Russia, OP.

PLease, PLEASE don't marry this man, let alone have a baby with him.

He has proven himself an expert liar. You cannot believe a word he says. Not. One. Word. Because he is SKILLED at lying. Men can easily say they "love" someone and not mean it. Easily.

If he truly cared about you and your ease and happiness, he would NOT be messaging the school mother still. He lied about that to you. What else is he lying about. She is still flirting with him, he is still allowing it - why? Because he LOVES it. He LOVES the ego boost, the attention - and he's probably keeping her on the back burner option in case it doesn't work out with you.

He keeps you hidden - he may give a "reasonable" explanation why, but still - you are a dirty secret.

OP, there are so, so many warning bells here. Warning, warning, warning, warning, warning.

Take the puppy and kitten and get out. >>>>>> the hills are that way>>>>>

Then there are always the odd posters who come by to blame the women for male abusers, or for not leaving, or having dc, or not protecting them.

When its all down to the abuser. Tactics work, sadly.

Please dontt go off reading threads where women are blamed for male abuse. It will make your life so much worse.

OP I agree with every other poster. This man is a lying, manipulative arsehole. You’ve attached to him because of your past relationship. You are going to get terribly hurt here.

he wont leave that woman from school.

@Sparkslilly walk away from this man and this utter shitshow of a relationship and try to be grateful the worst you’ll suffer is a broken heart for a short while.
If you stick with it, it will not end well. I think you know that.

Smother, if that was directed at me, I sure as hell don’t blame women for male abuse, but the thread shows what misery can be caused by having a child with an arsehole.

I took issue with this:

... yesterday about why so many women choose arseholes to have children with ...

I am not going to apologise about women being made responsible for male abuse.

Maybe women 'choose' to be abused because they love it so much . Its a pretty offensive way to phrase it. I hope the thread you refer to isn't as blaming as your language.

Your partner is the root cause of every single issue you've listed.

But surely this thread is a prime example of what the OP on yesterday’s thread meant - more red flags than a communist party jamboree, but the OP on this thread still thinks he’s a nice guy. I dunno, if she does stay with him and have a child after all this, surely she needs to accept some responsibility for any future trouble?

You absolutely need to leave

What would happen if you posted your engagement and changed the settings so only he saw it?

I think you know the answer

I agree @Defenestratethecat. Of course women aren't responsible for the behaviour of men. But they absolutely are responsible for their own decisions.

If the OP in this scenario, for example, went on to have a child with this arse then yes, she is absolutely responsible for bringing a child into a shit relationship.

Its all very easy to judge from the outside, when you don't have to experience the headmess and influence of someone you want to believe because you love them.

We can judge her, or all the other women suffering under this.

Its a very complex dynamic that looks so simple from the outside

It worries me that less women will speak out whenI see commentary like this anywhere.

I'm just glad there is so much positivity for OP on this thread, theres no need for her to be looking to herself, only for him, the one responsible for his behaviour to all those women and his dc.

How is it then for dc who love their abusive father.

Do we say ...but you chose to love him, even though he was hurting you, why would you do that, whats the matter with you child. No we don't because we can see how dc need the love, understanding and approval of their parents and the complex dynamic it is for them.

We can judge her, or all the other women suffering under this.

*Can't

Its far from helpful to helping a woman to feel strong enough to leave is it.

OP

The answers are - YES, he's manipulating you and it's scenario 1.

I really hope you can get beyond the manipulation and see him for what he is.

However, having been in a marriage where I was love bombed at the start and, even now, many years after the divorce, I still find it difficult sometimes to reconcile the man "I knew" with the manipulative, gaslighting abuser he really was, I know that it's difficult to see the blindingly obvious.

The difference is that I didn't have Mumsnet, I had no idea about gaslighting, I had no one on my side advising me or pointing me in the direction of things available to help me see who he really was. I had to work it all out myself which has left scars far worse than if I'd managed to escape after only a year.

You do have Mumsnet, OP. Please don't ignore everyone who's telling you who he is.

Women have contraception hidden, they are given sex in their sleep, they are exhausted, mind bent, condoms are oops! broken, are persuaded and under a powerful influence and often trauma bonded.

Well, a lot more besides too, but anyway, no.

Its too complex to simply say they have choice.

Women in cults have children. I think its easier for people to understand the cult mentality and how brainwashing, isolating and confusing it is.

This is the same though. Can you not hear it in OPs posts?

You think she is you, in your situation. She's not, she's caugjt in his brainwashing and been brave enough to reach out to ask if this is right, which tells me she doesn't know anymore.

Abuse removes choice, too.

seven. I'm sorry. Glad you are on the other side of this to be able to speak it as history!

Yes, and swept away with lovebombing and how much he wants a family with you and so forth.

I am sure all the gifts and gestures are lovely, but when you know he is texting other women, keeping secrets from you and lying, you surely know it cannot last? He does not value you enough to publicise your relationship and he should have the balls to turn around and tell those causing issues that they have to stop.
He hasn’t, probably won’t and you will only end up unhappy.

I don't think anyone's blaming the woman, but she did go into it knowing there were so many red flags at the start

Do we blame bullies or victims?

How much choice do victims have when scared of their bully. This is the whole premise of bullying. The victims are scared enough to kill themselves, and many women have.