A few dates in and he tells me this. Should I be bothered?

[Younameit]

I’ve been dating someone about a month. Met up a few times and spoken a lot on the phone. Really like him but I always for taking things slowly and I don’t like to get ahead of my self emotionally.

The other day I asked him who his close friends were, as he hadn’t really mentioned them. At this point I was just asking out of interest and thought it a usual sort of question.

He named a couple of people and said that he hasn’t seen them in over a year or talked to them but he was meant to be calling one of them soon. He then said it was that sort of friendship where you don’t need to chat all the time or meet up and that they live 4 hours apart. So that all makes sense and I have friends like that.

But is it odd he doesn’t have anyone else he calls a friend? Nobody to meet up with for a drink or to celebrate a birthday? He’s never been on a stag do! When I prodded a bit more he said he was more of a lone wolf and that he didn’t think he needed friends. He asked me what I get out of my friendships and was keen to tell me that he obviously had no problem with me having friends whatsoever but it just wasn’t a big thing in his life. He’s not massively close to his family and one parent has died, the other lives miles away though he has been therefore his dad when he was ill.

He has a busy job and is an interesting person with interesting views and conversation. I like him but this has bothered me. AIBU? I have friends but lot loads, I am also a bit of a loner sometimes but I also enjoy that connection with the people I have had in my life for many years now so I struggle to identity with the idea that this wouldn’t matter to someone...

*there for!

I'd be glad he hadn't been on a stag do, when I see on here what goes on in them!

Before he met you, what would he do for entertainment and friendship? Is he the sort who has a girlfriend and they spend all their time together? Is he shy?

I think you're describing quite a lot of men, actually.

I think there are quite a few people like this, particularly men. My Dad is one. I've never known him to have a single friend. Before he retired, he would very occasionally go out on work do's and he and my Mum very occasionally socialise with one other couple, but that's it! He's perfectly content with spending time with family, gardening, walking, researching the family tree. All things he can do alone.

I wish my DP had less friends because he's got 4 stag do's next year!

I don't think it's a red flag really.

I get this. A slightly older, wise colleague of mine once said, to know someone, look at his friends. (She met her DH on a plane, and simply had no frame of reference until she met his friends, and saw they were good people who loved him.) So yes, if I was with someone who had no significant relationships in his life, I’d be extra careful, and I’d definitely wonder why.

I'm currently friendless and not bothered about it. I would get to know him more if you really like him.

This is me before I met DH and I’d have been really upset if someone had judged me on it. I had really bad social anxiety due to horrific bullying as a child (for a medical reason I was “different”). I just struggled with how to make close friendships but I didn’t struggle at all with DH. I’ve only got 2 proper friends now besides DH but I think I’m a fairly normal functioning person

My dh doesn't have any "friends" in the sense that I'd define friends. He is in touch with some people from school and university but it's mostly text/email and driven by them.

He goes to work events and says he enjoys himself, he talks to some of his colleagues out of the office and he comes to evenings out with other couples but it wouldn't be his first choice.

He just doesn't need other people if that makes sense.

I don't really have friends - certainly none that I would call to chat just for the sake of it.

That's just the way I like it. I have enough going on with work and DD without anymore commitments on my time.

So, I don't think it's strange at all

My dad and my husband are both like this and it’s not an issue in my opinion. They both are well liked by family and work colleagues but don’t have any interest in having friends do go out and do things with.

He may be an introvert who gets enough interaction from people at work and enjoys his downtime alone. Have a read up on introvert traits, this may answer some of your questions.

Some people aren’t as social as others.

The only way I could see it being a problem is if you wanted to socialise a lot together and he didn’t want to which you would find frustrating.

My husband is the same, he has people at work who he has a laugh with and I'd say likes but he would never go out for a drink with them and certainly not ring them up. He is comfortable being on his own.
Also if he is 30+ (25+ possibly) lots of people are settling down and in a different life place to him.

He sounds just like my DP

My DP has no friends, doesn't like his family, never goes out socialising, doesn't celebrate birthdays, and massively judges men who go on 'stag dos'.

For me, then, no alarm bells as long as you're happy spending nights in together and celebrating special occasions just the two of you if at all.

My DH doesn't have 'friend's. Not in the way that I do. I have loads (different categories - acquaintances, old school friends who I only converse with on fb, school mums, slightly closer friends for odd nights , best friends who I will holiday with, old work friends I used to live with etc etc)
He just doesn't seem to need them.

He does have his own kind of 'friends' - that is the blokes down the pub. He's happy to go to the pub on his own for an hour after work. Has a drink. Comes home. I'm always telling him he can stay longer if he wants to, but he never does. He never arranges anything. He just goes, and if there's someone there he knows, then there is.

In 13 years living where we do, he's only been out with a 'friend' twice. And that was something arranged by me (some cricket thing) The friend is acutally my friends husband, but they get on really well.

He has a couple of friends that he knew when he met me (we were late 20's) and he is making noises about going to London next month to meet them. They live in Oz so wasn't a possiblity before. I've said absolutely yes, go to London. Stay over! This has happened before though and he's pulled out last minute. He just can't be arsed with it.

He's actually really friendly and sociable when around people (kids football etc), he just doesn't feel the need to socialise.

Some people are quiet. I don't have a massive social circle, never have, never needed one. Some of my friends moved away and I would only see them once a year but still consider them friends. It is only a red flag if he starts saying you don't need your friends, or you don't need to see them/your family and puts pressure on you to spend all your time with him but this won't reveal itself for a while. I would keep an eye on it though as some quiet people are not quiet by choice but rather they are just difficult people that find it hard to get on with others.

Are you dating Ron Swanson ?

I don't have any proper friends tbh. No ones invited me out for a drink/coffee/chat/shopping in many years, and at 47 I've been on three hen nights including my own.
It might be different if I wasn't married and had ds, but alongside that I have a very full on job which takes a lot of my time and I'm all peopled out from that. Moving round for uni and work meant that I didn't stay in touch with school friends, and I'm in fb contact with uni friends but very rarely see anyone

He's an introvert, you are an ambivert or extrovert. All normal personalities (for both men and women). Most extroverts or Ambiverts can't handle Introvert's lifestyle because they don't get it. The fact that you mentioned he is interesting as if to say it's surprising that he is, given the fact the he isn't a social butterfly, shows you will either need to read up on personalities and see if this will work for you a few months or few years from now (without trying to change him to what you want him to be) or you walk away now because it gets harder when you don't get an Introvert.

My boyfriend is similar. A few friends through, but rarely in contact. Doesn't bother himself to reach out. Speaks with his mother but overall rather low contact. But is very adventouroys, intelligent and talkative with me. However he turned out to be very suffocating, has no hobbies also and thus relies on me to entertain him. Very needy in this regard. Made me feel bad about doing my hobby and meeting friends, no alone time at home for me. We have resolved it to some extent, but for me the damage has been done and through I feel more free now and he has stopped most of his passive aggressive approach, I feel it has killed the love. After two years of relationship I am strongly considering break up. But he is a good guy though and it breaks my heart. Especially knowing that he has noone to turn to for support or he is reluctant to do it.

Wow this is so interesting! It’s made me feel a lot less bothered by it!

I didn’t want to question him much on it but he did say he is quite happy getting on with things on his own and wouldn’t really see what friends could bring to his life.

What’s funny is that while I have a few good friends I always think that compared to most people I don’t really have enough! And I am quite happy just getting on with things so I do underhand how someone could not feel the need for friendship.

I suppose I wonder what he expects from our relationship if we ever have one. I like my girl lunches etc so assuming he’s happy with what I guess there’s no problem

Roly I don’t think it is surprising he is interesting. I was making sure readers knew that I have a connection with him!

It would be wise to have these discussion about your different personalities sometime in your relationship and talk about social expectations. These are some of the things couples fight over when it could have just been avoided from the get go.

My DH is a bit like this. He has friends, but no one local really and doesn't go out for drinks etc. It doesn't bother me because he encourages me to go out with mine, can amuse himself and doesn't expect me to always be around for him.

But I get it. I quite happily go out for a meal alone or to the cinema. I am naturally a loner really and happy in my own company.

@Younameit Fair enough. Everyone is interesting in their own way and it's irritating when people think someone isn't just because they don't fit into their definition of fun or interesting.