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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A few dates in and he tells me this. Should I be bothered?

148 replies

Younameit · 11/10/2019 11:43

I’ve been dating someone about a month. Met up a few times and spoken a lot on the phone. Really like him but I always for taking things slowly and I don’t like to get ahead of my self emotionally.

The other day I asked him who his close friends were, as he hadn’t really mentioned them. At this point I was just asking out of interest and thought it a usual sort of question.

He named a couple of people and said that he hasn’t seen them in over a year or talked to them but he was meant to be calling one of them soon. He then said it was that sort of friendship where you don’t need to chat all the time or meet up and that they live 4 hours apart. So that all makes sense and I have friends like that.

But is it odd he doesn’t have anyone else he calls a friend? Nobody to meet up with for a drink or to celebrate a birthday? He’s never been on a stag do! When I prodded a bit more he said he was more of a lone wolf and that he didn’t think he needed friends. He asked me what I get out of my friendships and was keen to tell me that he obviously had no problem with me having friends whatsoever but it just wasn’t a big thing in his life. He’s not massively close to his family and one parent has died, the other lives miles away though he has been therefore his dad when he was ill.

He has a busy job and is an interesting person with interesting views and conversation. I like him but this has bothered me. AIBU? I have friends but lot loads, I am also a bit of a loner sometimes but I also enjoy that connection with the people I have had in my life for many years now so I struggle to identity with the idea that this wouldn’t matter to someone...

OP posts:
Gardai · 12/10/2019 09:06

I’m not excessively into socialising etc anymore but my ex had no friends and it didn’t bother me initially but after a while it became a bit boring and predictable - I knew the format of every weekend and every social evening...him and me.
Sometimes I would have liked to have dinner, or even a drink with his (non existent) friends, it was always up to me or people I knew.
It depends on so many things, there’s no one answer and I suppose, in hindsight, he just turned out to be a rather dull man who had no friends by choice as he was controlling.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 09:07

What I do find with people who spend a lot of time by themselves, is that they can hold some very odd ideas about things. (This will be true of everyone to an extent but being alone a lot exacerbates it). Passing thoughts, that are wrong or skewed, get stuck in their heads and 'believed' just because they don't voice them out loud and have them knocked down or challenged by others.

I've had conversations with friends, where they've said something that's clearly been an 'accepted fact' in their head for years but on speaking it out loud, it's immediately obvious that it's nonsense, ill-founded, or a subjective preference, not a fact. If they'd spoken it out loud to someone when they first had the thought, it would have been recognised for what it was straight away and would never have stuck.

I've done this myself too, of course. I'm sure we all do, as we don't discuss all our internal thoughts. It's far too easy to place importance on things that are momentarily important to us but which, if discussed, would quickly be placed in context.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 12/10/2019 09:09

TBH my DH isn’t dissimilar. He has a handful of friends he met at university, none of which are local and are dotted about the country. But they’re true friends and we see them maybe 2/3 times a year. I get on really well with them and their wives/partners.

He has some colleagues who he’s worked with for years who have become friends and we go to dinner with sometimes. But he’s not massively social.

I on the other hand, could go out several times a week with friends.

It doesn’t bother me. I think DH allowed himself to become totally immersed in his career hence no more friendships since uni. Whereas I’m more of a social butterfly.

Lozzerbmc · 12/10/2019 09:09

I think it would bother me if he saw no friends but men and women are very different when it comes to friends. I have quite a few friends who i see regularly and my DP has one or two he doesnt bother seeing much however his work is very social. I think your worry is whether if your relationship progresses will he give you the space to still do your own thing, which is important.

Does he not have any acquaintances / work colleagues? Maybe he has hobbies where he spends time with people?

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 12/10/2019 09:10

😂 this is my DH!
When we were dating I knew he had a VERY intense job. He would mention ‘going for a drink’ as though he were meeting friends but I later found out he went alone to watch the football 😂😂🙈

He does have ‘friends’ they all turned out for our wedding and obvs thought highly of him. But they have the same intense job all over the country and tbh are very similar to my DH! (Reserved, socially anxious, academics 🙈)
I’m reasonably sociable (will see friends 2-3 times a week) and have continued this as DH works a lot more hours than me!

He’s a FAB DH, we are best friends and actually I would be quite put out to share this rare free time with lots of others so it works really well.

My ex was the EXACT opposite, big sports club member, friends staying with us every weekend! We had 10-12 weekends booked in advance - basically never alone! Every holiday was a BIG group holiday of 10+ couples! It was exhausting

AlessandroVasectomi · 12/10/2019 09:11

This is me. I had friends at school, not so many at Uni and none that I keep up with from work. However, I do keep up with my old boss from my last job. We worked together for 22 years in 3 different jobs and I am in fairly regular email contact with her. She and I met up alone for the first time a couple of months ago, whereas we usually have partners in tow.

I don’t drink a great deal, so an evening at the pub would consist of making one or possibly two drinks last a long time. I’m not interested in ball games so football and cricket would not be common points of interest with other men. My best friend is my wife and she is all the company I want or need for most of the things I do in retirement. We have other couples as friends and that seems to work best for me, but I do occasionally think about how I would socialise if I were left on my own.

My wife has friends from work whom she keeps up with. She belongs to a book club and a Prosecco drinking circle with various groups of these former colleagues. She is also a governor of the school at which she used to work and she takes the role very seriously so she still spends a day or so each week at the school, quite apart from the governors’ meetings she attends.

We are learning ballroom dancing together - something I have always wanted to do - and we attend Pilates classes together, again something I have wanted to do for a long time to improve my posture. When she is out with her friends I quite enjoy my time alone and I find I apply myself better to household chores, whereas when she is here we’ll sit and chat or sometimes just sit together and not chat.

Because I often think I should try and make male friends I went along to the opening of a new Mens Shed where I live. Like all new ventures, it was absolutely mobbed, so I thought I’d let the initial enthusiasm die down before I think about attending sessions. But if I do start attending, it won’t be because I need male company, it will be because I feel I ought to.

I have so far forgotten to mention that we have four grown up sons, all of whom I get along with just fine. However, 3 live abroad which gives us wonderful regular opportunities for foreign travel, but it means I don’t have very close relationships with them. Again, we tend to meet up with them and their wives as couples which works very well.

So, like previous posters, I wouldn’t see a loner as a danger sign. What it does mean is that he will probably be very focused on you, something which may or may not suit you. My wife loves all the attention!

Fairylea · 12/10/2019 09:15

I find it interesting that the people who keep saying it would be a red flag for them are very social themselves. It’s like they can’t see that it’s okay for someone else to be different and it doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with someone just because they aren’t the same. I am as introverted as they come but I can accept that others are completely the opposite - and I don’t see it as a red flag. I think as a society we’re all taught that being social is “right” (social media is an extreme extension of this) and anyone who doesn’t conform to this is “wrong”.

To pick up on an earlier point, I don’t want my views “challenged” by other people socially. I can choose to interact on here, which is as social as I get because it’s on my own terms, or I can read the news, pick up a book or watch TV if I want to engage with the world and have my opinions stretched. I don’t want to have lengthy discussions with others about things in real life.

I met dh on online dating Grin We both wanted to meet someone to share our lives with, we just didn’t want to have to be super social to do it. There are lots of ways to meet other introverts nowadays.

neveradullmoment99 · 12/10/2019 09:17

My dh is like this. Doesn't see the need. In a way, neither do i now.
However it caused issues early on in our relationship when we argued plenty over me going out with friends cause he never saw the need. I always did and NEVER let him stop me! Thats the only issue i could forsee.

userxx · 12/10/2019 09:21

I'd find it a bit odd, but only because it's the exact opposite of me. Friends are my lifeline and I couldn't be without them. My boyfriend is the same and has loads of friends, it's one of the things that attracted me to him.

speakout · 12/10/2019 09:23

What I do find with people who spend a lot of time by themselves, is that they can hold some very odd ideas about things. (This will be true of everyone to an extent but being alone a lot exacerbates it). Passing thoughts, that are wrong or skewed, get stuck in their heads and 'believed' just because they don't voice them out loud and have them knocked down or challenged by others.

I disagree.

Even very sociable people tend to surround themselves with like thinking people.

My mother is an avid church attender, has many friends. Without exception they all hold the same view on life. Love Donald Trump and Boris Johnson, anti abortion, anti feminist, homophobic.

My SIL has many many friends, her life is filled with shoes, handbags, prosecco, botox parties,Love Island chat and instagram.

I really don't think that having large numbers of friends means that your views will be challanged at all.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 09:24

I don't mean political views and 'big' ideas. I mean small, odd things.

userxx · 12/10/2019 09:24

@neveradullmoment99 That would have made me end the relationship.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 09:26

More like everyday knowledge and very subjective ideas about small things.

Northernsoullover · 12/10/2019 09:35

I don't have a lot of friends. I do have a group I meet up with around twice a year but I don't have anyone to socialise with on a Friday. However it really doesn't bother me. I can spend a happy night alone with my book.
My partner doesn't have a close friend either but he struggled with being on his own. It did lead to a bit of tension as he seemed to think that if I wasn't doing anything then we should be together. I felt he wasn't self sufficient and that he needed his own life outside of me. Its really unattractive for someone to not have hobbies or interests. Even if the hobby is sorting a stamp collection! The friends thing is a red herring. Its whether you are comfortable in your own skin and that you aren't looking to another person to provide all your interest in life.

MotherOfDragonite · 12/10/2019 09:39

Are you dating one of my best friends??? He is sooo like this. It is true, we reconnect rarely due to distance and my children -- but we are absolutely still best friends, and for similar reasons he doesn't see his other close friends that frequently either as they have mostly moved quite far away or had lifestyle changes that make it difficult. He's the most lovely man but also very emotionally self-sufficient and doesn't need to feel part of a 'group' to be okay.

Boysey45 · 12/10/2019 09:50

I wouldn't be bothered as long as they were not suffocating and could entertain themselves.
I think its better to have no company than bad company and as long as the person has nice qualities and isn't clingy I don't see the problem. Presumably he could meet new people if he wished? He could join a club or something.

Bouledeneige · 12/10/2019 09:53

Yes I would find it a little odd. And yes that is because I'm a very sociable person and have a lot of friends. I have sometimes struggled with relationships because I need to catch up with my friends regularly and don't just want to sit at home and I also dont want to be the battery pack who provides all the entertainment and social arrangements.

Research shows men do have less friends than women and this does go some way to explain their mental health risks. Married men are less lonely than married women - but more lonely if widowed or divorced because they relied upon their partner to be the 'social glue' with family and friends. Women can get fed up with being married if their partner becomes very pipe and slippers and stay at home. Women rely more on close friendships to cope with the ups and downs in life - processing emotional issues with their pals and this can keep them more healthy mentally. These are generalisations but based on research.

Younameit · 12/10/2019 09:54

I think I will see him a bit longer and see. There’s been no other things I’ve questioned really, although he did say he found people to be unreliable and so he couldn’t be bothered. Apparently the first time we were due to meet and I cancelled (he confirmed very late the night before, by which point I had made other plans), he’s since said he was actually very annoyed by that, even though at the time I had no idea as he simply re arranged with me.

Having said that, he’s not an angry sort of person and appears to think carefully about how he comes across...so far I wouldn’t say he’s totally self involved or anything like that. He’s made it very clear he wants a relationship and that’s why he’s online dating.

OP posts:
OliveOwl · 12/10/2019 10:01

Not so much a red flag, as a pointer to a possible direction your life could take and some questions to ask yourself. Would you be happy with no or minimal socializing as a couple? Just being a couple and also having your own friends and the two not really mixing, not meeting anyone new through him or having couple friends. Maybe ask him (hypothetically) how he would feel about accompanying you to a friends wedding/birthday party/family Christmas.

I used to work with someone whoWe fiancé refused to go to her good friend’s wedding (and not cos she was a bridesmaid and he’d have to sit alone, it was a very informal registry office then meal at a pub type thing). Then the fiancé was offended when the husband wouldn’t attend their wedding six months later as it would have meant missing a day of work!

And decide whether you’d be happy with with whatever answer he gives you about attendance, and what you’d think was a reasonable amount of effort for him to make with your friends.

My DH doesn’t really like socialising with anyone other than me and his best friend from Uni. He will socialise with my friends, but not much and is pretty passive whilst there. Also doesn’t seek new friends via work/hobbies. He is also reluctant to come to anything around my work, even though I do formal and informal work events for him. It bothers me more than I thought it would- makes our life together quite fixed/static. I can meet new people or see my friends on my own, but it means sometimes there’s less time to go round, and sometimes it’s just easier to go to something with a partner- not nice to be in a group of mostly couples on your own explaining why your other half can’t make it again. I’m sure I get left out of things sometimes.

And it would be a red flag if this guy ever tried to undermine your friendships, isolate you. People can be subtle about that and it’s a classic abuse technique.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 10:03

Oh, high expectations of others, with limited insight into his own behaviour, isn't great. I hope you pulled him up on his annoyance and pointed out it was actually his late confirmation that scuppered that date?

Inflexibility, combined with demandingness, isn't great.

Ah well, take it slowly, give him a chance to reveal himeslf and you'll be ok.

OliveOwl · 12/10/2019 10:03

It can also be embarrassing if we’re out and meet someone he works with etc and they ask us to join them/make it obvious we should get a drink together and he just turns them down flat or ignores the signals. I feel so bad that he’s just rejected them when I see their faces.

Boysey45 · 12/10/2019 10:04

I'd be concerned that he said he was very annoyed with you. It was for him to tell you in a good time about the date not leave you hanging on for him to confirm.
Any signs of anger or annoyance I'd be off like a shot.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 10:10

You need to delve into his definition of 'unreliable'. It might not be the same as yours. What happens when you do something he deems unreliable?

How is his insight into others' behaviours and motivations and his empathy?

Younameit · 12/10/2019 10:12

Ahhh would you Boysey?

I’m not great at recognising these sorts of signs!! I have dated loads and recently met two nice people, one being this man and the other someone who is great but very different.

I’m more attracted mentally to this man but the other man is very laid back in comparison.

Both want to meet tonight. I was going to go with this man but perhaps I should give the other one a chance first?!

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 12/10/2019 10:12

My only concern would be a potential over reliance on you from him, in the future