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Original poster

A few dates in and he tells me this. Should I be bothered?

148 replies

Younameit · 11/10/2019 11:43

I’ve been dating someone about a month. Met up a few times and spoken a lot on the phone. Really like him but I always for taking things slowly and I don’t like to get ahead of my self emotionally.

The other day I asked him who his close friends were, as he hadn’t really mentioned them. At this point I was just asking out of interest and thought it a usual sort of question.

He named a couple of people and said that he hasn’t seen them in over a year or talked to them but he was meant to be calling one of them soon. He then said it was that sort of friendship where you don’t need to chat all the time or meet up and that they live 4 hours apart. So that all makes sense and I have friends like that.

But is it odd he doesn’t have anyone else he calls a friend? Nobody to meet up with for a drink or to celebrate a birthday? He’s never been on a stag do! When I prodded a bit more he said he was more of a lone wolf and that he didn’t think he needed friends. He asked me what I get out of my friendships and was keen to tell me that he obviously had no problem with me having friends whatsoever but it just wasn’t a big thing in his life. He’s not massively close to his family and one parent has died, the other lives miles away though he has been therefore his dad when he was ill.

He has a busy job and is an interesting person with interesting views and conversation. I like him but this has bothered me. AIBU? I have friends but lot loads, I am also a bit of a loner sometimes but I also enjoy that connection with the people I have had in my life for many years now so I struggle to identity with the idea that this wouldn’t matter to someone...

OP posts:
Illberidingshotgun · 12/10/2019 10:13

Hmm, after your last post I'm not so sure now. The fact that he finds other people "unreliable" could concern him. It suggests that he may have impossibly high expectations of others. Also the fact that he was very annoyed when you cancelled the first date? Surely a more typical reaction would be to think "that's a shame", unless he had booked something specific for you to do and was going to lose a lot of money - unlikely for a first date.

Illberidingshotgun · 12/10/2019 10:13

concern *me

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 10:14

Well, what was his reaction when you pointed out it was his late confirmation that lost him that date? Did he take it on the chin and admit fault? Or not.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 10:15

Or did you avoid pointing out the obvious, to avoid annoying him?

OliveOwl · 12/10/2019 10:18

If he thinks carefully about how he comes across it doesn’t mean he is just laid back about it. He could store up anger that comes out later. If that’s to talk to you about it at a better time, fine. But if he’s just not really in touch with his emotions, could mean an explosion later.

Original poster
Younameit · 12/10/2019 10:19

No I would always say what I thought..I told him the reason I cancelled was I hadn’t heard from him until late. He said ok then. That was that.

He’s not argumentative really and I don’t think he has high expectations of people necessarily, more than he just can’t be bothered because he doesn’t think people bring anything to his life.

Should I be meeting the very nice man who I like less but still interested in? I seem to always go for the wrong men...

OP posts:
Original poster
Younameit · 12/10/2019 10:21

Oliveowl I haven’t dated him enough to know if he stores up anger. In fact the last person I was in a short relationship with did exactly that and it was awful. I ended it after 3 months.

OP posts:
SoFloofy · 12/10/2019 10:22

Some people seem to believe that because it's not something they'd choose, or have experienced, then someone who doesn't have have or want friends has something wrong with them, that they must be bad people in some way, but haven't yet figured out what.

ucfo · 12/10/2019 10:31

Apparently the first time we were due to meet and I cancelled (he confirmed very late the night before, by which point I had made other plans), he’s since said he was actually very annoyed by that, even though at the time I had no idea as he simply re arranged with me.

Mmmmm... I came on here to say that the lack of friends isn't really a red flag... then I rtft and saw this. This would be a bit of a red flag for me.
Is this the reason why he doesn't have friends?
He was largely to blame for not confirming early enough by which time you had made other plans yet he was annoyed by you. He didn't show his annoyance but he still told you about it later.
At some point he will show his annoyance.
He might be someone who gets annoyed when you make other plans and are not available when he wants to do something and you should keep the time free for him.

I think if someone doesn't have close friends I wouldn't take that on its own as a red flag. I don't have close friends that I would meet up with to go out on the weekends etc. but I do have a lot of friends at hobbies. I meet up with them to do these mysterious hobbies and socialize afterwards.
I don't like to let people in too close apart from family and partners. I also like my own company.

I'd be concerned about someone who had no friends and had no hobbies either meaning they'd be in the house all the time outside of working hours. Everyone needs space to have time on their own otherwise it gets claustrophobic. I lived with an ex like this. It was awful - for two years I never got any time in the house on my own at all.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 12/10/2019 10:32

He shouldn't have been annoyed, it was his his own fault you cancelled. Hope he sees that now. Why does he want a relationship if he feels people add nothing to is life?

Original poster
Younameit · 12/10/2019 10:36

I thought it was strange he brought it up later on, but it wasn’t in a nasty way just part of general conversation. When I explained why I cancelled he totally accepted that and didn’t argue with me.

I also asked why he wanted a relationship if people add nothing to his life and he said he wanted a family and that he would put everything into a marriage because marriage is important to him.

OP posts:
Lolohboy · 12/10/2019 10:38

Sounds like me. I see my best friend once a year. Tend to put all my energy into my partner ;)

OliveOwl · 12/10/2019 10:40

Watch for it getting nasty though if you don’t fall into line and correct your ways at the things he mentions in general conversation.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 10:40

But the 'feeling annoyed' thing could be an example of the 'weird ideas people hold in their heads unchallenged, who spend a lot of time alone'.

It's easy to slip into narrow, rigid patterns of thought and behaviour, when there's no-one there to challenge you, or need for you to accommodate them.

Some people can grow out of that - people who are socially capable but more introverted than you - others really are rigid, limited and have weird expectations of others.

userxx · 12/10/2019 10:42

@Lolohboy What happens if you split up?

Original poster
Younameit · 12/10/2019 10:42

Lottie I actually don’t think he’s rigid in his views. He actually has conversation and listens (many men don’t in my experience!) but that said, I have often gone for the wrong sort of men.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 10:43

Wanting a family is quite all or nothing. Does he understand that relationships, like friendships, take practice and work?

Or does he think he's going to be 'rescued' and by 'the perfect wife and mother'?

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2019 10:48

I think the thing to do is take it slowly and ask him probing questions - but crucially, recognise that actions speak far louder than words.

On the one hand, I think not dating much, then imagining that 'the one' is going to provide the perfect life for you is worryingly delusional. On the other, I know a number of people, men and women, who haven't had many BF / GFs, then have found someone in their thirties and made happy marriges and families. Crucially, those people have been willing to learn, compromise and put some effort into making it work. They've had a bit of humility and self-awareness I suppose.

bluebell34567 · 12/10/2019 10:50

how did he grow up? was he in a boarding school?

Lovemusic33 · 12/10/2019 10:58

Not necessarily a red flag. I have dated a lot of people (too many) and I have to say the ones without any friends have turned out to mainly be arrogant pigs but some are just not very sociable or work long hours. At least you don’t have to worry about him going out on the puss with mates all the time or being led astray. The guy I’m dating is off out with friends today drinking, he only have a couple friends and meets up with them once a month to go drinking. I only have a couple friends but tend to just go shopping or out for coffee with them, I don’t have really close friends that I see all the time.

IncrediblySadToo · 12/10/2019 11:07

I would instigate conversations about ‘things you’ve read’ in the news (MN) about expectations after people have had children & sharing domestic duties You can do it all in a very lighthearted way, but take very careful note of his attitudes.

His ‘not having friends’ & ‘putting everything into a marriage’ could both be totally fine, but they could also mean that once you are married he would expect you to be the same (despite what he’s said now) & that he is looking for a woman to be a SAHM to his children and be there for them 24/7 - no other life

It could also mean he’s got to a stage in his life where he wants someone special and realises the importance of putting effort into your marriage & family and wants that whole package in a good way.

I’d see how it goes inviting him out to meet up with friends etc.

I could cope with someone who didn’t have lots of friends etc, but nit someone who didn’t want to socialise with my friends/family or go out and ‘do’ Stuff (I like a good pub quiz or just casual evenings with friends)

No reason to not date both is there?

Bellringer · 12/10/2019 11:09

Shouldnt judge a person by their friends or lack of, but I think someone whose friends all seem to be wankers would put me off and if all were agreeable I would be encouraged, even if only football buddies or fellow hobbyists. It seems strange to have no one at all to introduce you to later. Slightly wary, keep your options open. How does he get on with workmates? Go the Xmas party!

Relationshipsajoke · 12/10/2019 11:12

I don’t have any friends, not because I don’t want them, I just don’t have any! Not one person I can call to go for a drink with. If he’s happy like that then why would it bother you?

Cam77 · 12/10/2019 11:16

I think the concept of a nearby best friend who you meet at least a couple of times a month down the pub or for lunch is an outmoded concept for many people these days. Many people have changed jobs several times by the time they’re in their mid20s or 30s. Increasing numbers are self employed, so the traditional work/colleague route of making friends is out for many. In conjunction with that, so many people are moving away or abroad. Of my seven or eight good friends from school and university, only one still lives in England, let alone in the same city. Of course, it’s important to try and keep in touch with people who you’re separated from by many hundreds or thousands of miles, but in reality it can be difficult. Online communities are a poor replacement for a close proximity friend, but that’s the reality for many people these days.

angell84 · 12/10/2019 11:16

I would not be bothered by this.

There are aways going to be quiet, independant people around.

We don't NEED friends. I spent many years travelling around the world, totally by myself. With no friends.

Now I am back in a city, I have some friends, but I don't NEED them.

In fact, one time I had a boyfriend who had ten close friends since school, and I nearly lost my mind, because he could not do a single thing or socialiase in any way without them. Our life revolved around his friends. Three nights a week - we went out with his friends. He nearly wouldn't do anything alone with me. I got very annoyed at being shoved into his friend's social situation all the time, and we broke up