A few dates in and he tells me this. Should I be bothered?

[Younameit]

I’ve been dating someone about a month. Met up a few times and spoken a lot on the phone. Really like him but I always for taking things slowly and I don’t like to get ahead of my self emotionally.

The other day I asked him who his close friends were, as he hadn’t really mentioned them. At this point I was just asking out of interest and thought it a usual sort of question.

He named a couple of people and said that he hasn’t seen them in over a year or talked to them but he was meant to be calling one of them soon. He then said it was that sort of friendship where you don’t need to chat all the time or meet up and that they live 4 hours apart. So that all makes sense and I have friends like that.

But is it odd he doesn’t have anyone else he calls a friend? Nobody to meet up with for a drink or to celebrate a birthday? He’s never been on a stag do! When I prodded a bit more he said he was more of a lone wolf and that he didn’t think he needed friends. He asked me what I get out of my friendships and was keen to tell me that he obviously had no problem with me having friends whatsoever but it just wasn’t a big thing in his life. He’s not massively close to his family and one parent has died, the other lives miles away though he has been therefore his dad when he was ill.

He has a busy job and is an interesting person with interesting views and conversation. I like him but this has bothered me. AIBU? I have friends but lot loads, I am also a bit of a loner sometimes but I also enjoy that connection with the people I have had in my life for many years now so I struggle to identity with the idea that this wouldn’t matter to someone...

Who really cares? You hardly know this man yet your judging him.

Better to have one decent friend you chat to periodically than to have 10 fake friends.

I think it is quite common. The only problem would be if he wanted to curb your friendships.

I agree the thing to watch out for is if he starts to get resentful of your having a social life of your own. It's early days, so take it slow and observe his reactions to you going out with friends. Nobody needs suffocating.

My dad is a bit like this and so is DH.

Doesn't bother me. I still go out and see my friends whenever I want

My OH is like this. He has no friends because he makes no effort to keep friends. He's happy to go out if I organise something and is good company but never follows up on any invites he receives etc. I have a wide circle of friends and make time to keep my friendships going. We now have an empty nest, I'm out most nights of the week with hobbies and events and he's at home watching TV. He seems happy to do that but we're hardly what you would call a couple. More like two housemates with completely different lifestyles. He needs to be with another loner and I need to be with someone as gregarious as me. Don't bother to pursue this OP unless you're a loner too.

Providing he's open and happy for you to meet the friends or family he does have that's fine. Providing you are both comfortable with each other's interpersonal comfort that's fine.

Ultimately it's about whether he stacks up and whether you are compatible. If he stacks, no problem.

I think there is a difference in being a loner by choice or by circumstance. I have met men who didn’t have friends because of their circumstances and they were very needy. Whereas people who genuinely like being alone are not needy. I’m a loner but I don’t want to spend all my time with a partner. If I’m with someone I am happy if they arrange to go out with friends or do a hobby or whatever, as that means I have time alone to do what I want. I’ve actually been accused by more than one guy of not knowing how to have a relationship! Because to them, a relationship meant we spend every minute outside of work together, and I just can’t do that. I’m happily single atm but if I did meet someone I would definitely have a discussion about expectations in that regard, if it looked like it might get serious.

I think a lot of people are like this, especially men. lots of couples, or just the man in a couple, are like this. You don't see them, because they're not friends with you, or your parents etc. Look at neighbours and wider family members.

Whether he's the right person for you, is a different question.

I can think of a number of friends' dads who are like this but who do spend time with family. The mothers are social people with their own social lives.

My ex was like this. He had a large family and didn't speak to most of his sibling or his parents. At first I thought fair enough. When we split I realised that he was the problem. As time went on he also had a way of making me feel guilty for spending time with my friends.
He was controlling.

DH is a loner. I didn;t realise at first as we were introduced by a mutual good friend and we mixed with a small crowd of mutual friends of theirs and his very sociable collegaues. But when those old friends moved away and he changed jobs, his social life vanished and he made no effort whatsoever to make new friends. Has no need for them at all. He loves socialising with family (us!) He loves his own company and mine. It used to really bother me until I realised it doesn;t really bother him. He's had no friends for the past 15 years. He'll occasionally meet up with someone for a drink but never seems that enthusiastic. But he's a brilliant dad because he pours all his 'let's have fun' energy into the kids and me.

I would only be bothered if I was his only source of social activity. My ex suffocated me because he didn't have any friends to do 'stuff' with, and got arsey when I saw my friends.

It got to the stage where I would be lying about going out. So I'd just be wary of this situation, but, quite frankly, I didn't realise this for some considerable time.

Good luck OP

I’m like this. I actively avoid chatting too much to people because I don’t want it to develop into any sort of friendship. And people do want to be friends with me - I know it’s not “me”, I just enjoy my own space and find other people stressful and draining. I am happily married and have two children and dh is the same as me.

I like to do things on my own - I go off to garden centres for a browse and a cake and a latte, I go for walks, to the cinema even (I don’t work and dh does so I have a lot of time on my own). The thought of having to chat away to someone else whilst doing these things or having to change what I do to suit someone else makes me feel irritated. Can’t think of anything worse than a girly lunch date thing!

But I know I’m unusual. I don’t think it says anything about the person though, we are all different.

I think it’s quite common, perhaps more so with men. Most are very self-sufficient, not needy at all. Some people just don’t need friends. How old is he? It’s easy to lose touch with people as life goes on.

Would be a red flag for me I'm afraid. I'd think he may have codependent tendencies. And what would he be like if you took him to a wedding/do/out for a drink with your friend/s? I think awkward.

Must add, of the top bit, a lot of it is down to my own unfortunate experiences.

Lack of effort is one theme emerging. I certainly know men who don't seem to understand that you need to put effort into maintaining frendships. They want friends but don't really have them, because they're used to them just 'appearing' through school, sport or whatever but don't think of making any effort to keep up with them. Then they move, or find themselves in a workplace which isn't conducive to matey friendships and they're stuck.

That kind of man can rely on his partner to do the 'fishing' and maintenance work, to provide friends for him.

So, i think a lot of men have 'mates' through doing activities together but don't always make friends, in the way women have them.

Then again, some do.

Red flag for me. My abusive narc ex had no friends, because he didn't care about anyone but himself.

I will never date anyone without his own friendship group.

I don’t see anything as a red flag here and I think the other posters have covered it well. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your own company; it works for some people, doesn’t work for others, that’s just the way society is built.

I think in this age of social media there’s an expectation that we all have have an ever widening circle of friends. However social media has skewered and twisted the definition of friendships IMO and absorbed colleagues/acquaintances, which should be expected as it’s in their interests for their members to have large groups of friends and followers. I used to use Facebook a lot more than I do now (I might have a browse once a month on it), I have circa 200 ‘friends’ on there but if there was some emergency in my life I think there’s only about 2 or 3 I would call.

Op your dp sounds uncannily similar to mine in lots of ways.

Mine has a highly socially interactive job and a few sociable hobbies so I think he just doesn't have energy to nurture friendships outside that.

I find he sometimes makes friends with my friends partners and they go out independently now.

I'd struggle if he were entirely dependent on me for social interaction. I'm always fascinated by how couples in these situations meet in the first place.

My ex-DP was a bit like this. I didn’t realise for a while as we worked together and he seemed to socialise and talk about people. Turned out they were his brothers friends or superficial relationships at work that fell by the wayside quickly when he didn’t see them in the office everyday.

I established along the way that he just wasn’t arsed about making effort and a bit disinterested in other people underneath his ‘nice guy’ persona. He would happily go along with socialising that I arranged but nothing off his own bat.

I wouldn’t call it a red flag exactly but if I’d realised it earlier it would have given me pause - it was sort of symptomatic of a big difference between us.

I would be concerned by this, but it wouldn’t stop me continuing to date him, for a while. But it’d be in the back of my mind I think wondering if there was any specific reason, it seems quite unusual not to have picked up even a couple of friends over the years from work, hobbies etc.

It’s okay to be put off by it, it’s kinda related to the idea of social proof I think. We tend to find people more appealing when we can see that other people like them too. So you’re more likely to be attracted to somebody who has friends, past relationships etc. than someone who seems to be a complete lone wolf: with the former you can already see they’ve been essentially vetted and gotten to know and accepted and liked by people before you came along, the lone wolf is a total unknown quantity. You don’t know why they don’t have anyone in their life who can socially vouch for them, could be perfectly innocent or a sign that others have shunned them for whatever reason (unpleasant personality, poor morals, terrible hygiene, whatever).

I’d also worry our values just weren’t compatible as to me, friendships are one of the absolute most valuable things in my life and that’s been the case since being a teenager, I find it hard to understand how someone could be perfectly happy without connections to others even though in many respects I can be quite a loner too, enjoy my own space and time and don’t need anyone else to have a good time or go do stuff, happy to spend a weekend alone not speaking to anyone else and so forth. But I would absolutely hate not to have other humans in my life I respect and like and love to share information and ideas and experiences with. Which is what friendship is really!

So yeah, by all means proceed, but it’s okay if your gut says no.

My dad was like this, friendly with everyone but no very close or ‘best’ friends. In his various jobs he was always pals with his colleagues and was up for a laugh but wasn’t one for socialising much after work or going out with the lads. Once he left a job he seldom stayed in touch once he moved jobs. He loved his wife and his family and was happiest at home. This may have been because from the age of about 11 he was the family bread winner and travelled the country as a touring actor under the care of chaperones so didn’t get much time at home.

We were amazed and touched at his funeral that so many people from his past turned up. He had more friends than he knew.

I don't necessarily think it's a red flag, no. If he's genuinely content with his own company, then that's absolutely fine. We all have our own individual need/tolerance with regards to the company of other people.

However I think what is a problem is when people have few friends and little contact with family because they easily fall out with people, and struggle to maintain relationships with people. In your situation you actually have no way of knowing if this is the case. I also think that when you are dating someone, you learn a lot about them by how they interact with and treat their family and friends. You will not have this.

No reason to end the potential relationship over this, but just keep an open mind, reflect on how the relationship is going and how it makes you feel. If you get a gut feeling about anything. Do not ignore it. However this should apply to ANY new relationship, and not just in this instance and because he doesn't have any friends (and one day I really will listen to my own advice...) Just enjoy getting to know him, and see how it goes.

For quite a few years in my life, this was me. I had very upsetting experiences with my family and it ended with me cutting them off. I moved away. I got hurt a few times by 'friends' which set me back.

I decided it was safer to go it alone and didn't have any friends or any family for a while. I found I could cope well with this as I am an introvert and really like my own company.

The people I've come across in life who have tons of friends and are really popular are sometimes the ones to to look watch out for - no, not always.

Not a red flag IMO.