A few dates in and he tells me this. Should I be bothered?

[Younameit]

I’ve been dating someone about a month. Met up a few times and spoken a lot on the phone. Really like him but I always for taking things slowly and I don’t like to get ahead of my self emotionally.

The other day I asked him who his close friends were, as he hadn’t really mentioned them. At this point I was just asking out of interest and thought it a usual sort of question.

He named a couple of people and said that he hasn’t seen them in over a year or talked to them but he was meant to be calling one of them soon. He then said it was that sort of friendship where you don’t need to chat all the time or meet up and that they live 4 hours apart. So that all makes sense and I have friends like that.

But is it odd he doesn’t have anyone else he calls a friend? Nobody to meet up with for a drink or to celebrate a birthday? He’s never been on a stag do! When I prodded a bit more he said he was more of a lone wolf and that he didn’t think he needed friends. He asked me what I get out of my friendships and was keen to tell me that he obviously had no problem with me having friends whatsoever but it just wasn’t a big thing in his life. He’s not massively close to his family and one parent has died, the other lives miles away though he has been therefore his dad when he was ill.

He has a busy job and is an interesting person with interesting views and conversation. I like him but this has bothered me. AIBU? I have friends but lot loads, I am also a bit of a loner sometimes but I also enjoy that connection with the people I have had in my life for many years now so I struggle to identity with the idea that this wouldn’t matter to someone...

Sounds exactly like my DH. He died have old friends but lives a long way from them so rarely sees them. He has work colleagues but doesn't socialise with them either.

His family are spread all over the world and are not particularly close.

So I think it's quite normal!

DH doesn't have any, social anxiety and very introverted,

It is an issue for me as I would like to socialise with him rather than just always on my own.

I'm a bit like this. I don't have many friends and I'm fine with that. Me and my partner occasionally socialize but we're fine just being at home in our bubble. I'm close to my sister but other than that no one. Partner works away now and I'm fine on my own. I like routine so it works well for me

Just to make sure, I do not judge people who do not have friends and I would not find it a red flag in general. I have just my own not so good experience. It is indeed to be sure what both of your expectations are. Our main problem is that while I have a hobby and spend more time with my friends (although not much, like 1-2 times per month), I also enjoy and need my alonetime in an empty house and I really want to do some stuff (like shopping) alone as well. So in this regard we are very similar. But with my hobby and my friends I give him this alone time opportunity, but he won't give the same to me, although I need it. So there is this massive clash. However, with my partner, we did talk it through. But at first his passive agressivness was rather subtle and I discovered the damage later on. And prior to moving in together etc we talked about the fact that I'm going to need the time to be alone at home sometimes etcetc and he promised no worries, all can be done etc. But his promises did not show in actions. And thus I am utterly dissapointed.

My dh does have friends but not many at all. It worries me a bit as it makes him quite dependant on me for company, support etc.i find that a bit suffocating and would like to share the care a bit more. But if he’s not needy or you are happy to provide all the support, it’s not a red flag.

I dont really have friends.
Im a good person
Im fun and interesting and wouldnt harm a soul
I have people i might meet up with up periodically maybe 2 times per year for a coffee or catch up but no real close regular friends
I like it that way
Whats the big deal?
Were all different

Neither my now DH or myself had friends when we first met and we still don't. I wish people would stop the judgement.

Seems I’m going against the grain here, but I’m with you. I think it is strange. Is he close with his family? My strange ex housemate had no friends and had moved across the country away from her family..she showed her true colours in the end (after a year), she was belligerent. No ability to see anyone else’s point of view at all, any and every conversation became a battle. I would proceed with caution.

It isn't always a red flag. My other half used to have loads of friends and he knew them from being young. But they were still doing drugs and drink as they got older and my partner didn't want to do weed and drink for ever. He's left them all behind (way before met me) and he doesn't really have friends anymore. He is happy to socialise with me, family, sometimes with my friends and he is happy to go out alone. He will chat to people when out. It's never a problem if I go out. He is happy as he is. I've often asked him if he gets lonely but he's happy staying in with the cat!

Oh and of course he chats to people at work all day (when not working) and I know this as we work together (next office) so sometimes he is glad to get home and just chill out

I have very few friends, I think there is just one person I could call a good friend. I grew up in and out of care due to my mum's mental ill health, when we were at home my mum often moved us miles away in an attempt to escape what had made her so ill and as a result I don't think I ever really learned how to make friends (after all, what kid wants to be friends with the girl whose mum is under lock and key in the local psychiatric hospital). I don't think it has made me the sort of person screams "red flag" though in terms of a relationship though.

I've always been like that. Nothing wrong with it . I have a lovely DH, adult children, and my extended family. But I've never had friends since I was at school - happy with my own company.

Well, I wouldn’t necessarily be judging someone who was happy but had no close friendships. But I would doubt they were going to be compatible with me. Two reasons: I have friends (in widening ‘rings’ of intimacy) that they’d be expected to spend time with. If that’s not ‘their thing’ then it’d be too awkward. I’m not into doing everything social alone, or dragging them along against their will.

Also, long or intimate friendships teach you skills. Loads of them. Skills I’d want in a life partner. It’s all very well saying they don’t need friendships, but they miss out on building the experience that friendships bring to your life.

I have very introvert friends who don’t ‘need’ friendships, but make an effort to participate in the ‘friendship thing’ to hone their skills for work and life.

Two loners are prolly better suited, than me and a loner!

It wouldn’t bother me.

Barbel
I dont really have friends.
Im a good person
Im fun and interesting and wouldnt harm a soul
I have people i might meet up with up periodically maybe 2 times per year for a coffee or catch up but no real close regular friends
I like it that way
Whats the big deal?
We're all different
..........

I'm just the same as Barbel, quite happy with my own company but am not unpleasant or unfriendly.

I’m like this guy and I consider myself a good person. I don’t have close friends apart from one who lives hours away. I’m very sensitive and easily hurt. I’ve been burnt badly in the past by people so I now keep myself to myself. Maybe he’s had a bad experience with somebody? It wouldn’t bother me. I’d prefer to be with somebody who wanted to spend time with me and not prioritise friends

Perhaps he doesn't like socializing with males: they do tend to do weird stuff in groups. You said he took care of his dad when he was ill. That's a good indicator of character. Can he entertain himself? Will he be jealous of and try to isolate you from your friends and family? I guess those are a couple more questions you need answers to. I am assuming that there is no DV +

I am a bit of a loner myself and prefer my family to any friends I have. I did have a best friend and were friends for 25 years but she sadly died from a brain tumour. She has been dead for 12 years this month and I still miss her a lot.

Just run for the hills now. You don't need to be the 100 percent support woman.

@Durgasarrow

Why? My husband hasn't got many friends either ... he has a lot of business associates which we go out with to charity balls etc but he rarely goes out with any of his men friends because he hasn't got any. He tells me I am his best friend and he doesn't need anyone else.

My DH and I are both friendly and often do things with others. At our recent milestone anniversary party forty people turned up.

Nevertheless, we do not have banks of individual friends. I am a bit of a loner and he does not invest any time or effort into seeing others. We are each other’s best friends and are happy being so.

Perhaps the OP’s potential BF is introverted. I would only worry if he tried to stop her from seeing others and this does not sound as if it is the case.

I have to say I do find it odd. I have no doubt people without friends are pleasant and interesting. But it makes me wonder what is expected of a relationship...I don’t want to be absolutely everything all the time to someone, at least I don’t think I do!

That said, this man isn’t particularly needy so far and his job is around people all day everyday so perhaps he has enough interaction through that

OP I am the same as your friend.
I don't see friends for meet ups.My OH has no friends, my father was like this too.

He's not alone - a recent poll suggests one in 5 men has no friends

www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/esmagazine/why-do-men-find-it-so-difficult-to-make-new-friends-a4257026.html

It's not to do with being absolutely everything to one person.

I don't have a need for other people like some do.

I love being alone. OH loves being alone. We love each othera and have a great relationship, but don't have a great dependancy on each other, despite not seeing friends.
We are introverts.
He works and talks with people at work all day. When he gets home he needs space. There are five of us in my family. I see people at the gym and in my day to day life.
I crave time alone.
OH is off work today- we will go shopping this morning and have a coffee, but the part of today I look forward to is a walk in my local woods alone this afternoon.

People who don't crave company usually don't crowd partners.

I have had partners in the past who think I am weird, I have wondered that too, but now iI have an acceptance of who I am.
Self sufficent, introverted.

Maybe this man is not for you.