A few dates in and he tells me this. Should I be bothered?

[Younameit]

I’ve been dating someone about a month. Met up a few times and spoken a lot on the phone. Really like him but I always for taking things slowly and I don’t like to get ahead of my self emotionally.

The other day I asked him who his close friends were, as he hadn’t really mentioned them. At this point I was just asking out of interest and thought it a usual sort of question.

He named a couple of people and said that he hasn’t seen them in over a year or talked to them but he was meant to be calling one of them soon. He then said it was that sort of friendship where you don’t need to chat all the time or meet up and that they live 4 hours apart. So that all makes sense and I have friends like that.

But is it odd he doesn’t have anyone else he calls a friend? Nobody to meet up with for a drink or to celebrate a birthday? He’s never been on a stag do! When I prodded a bit more he said he was more of a lone wolf and that he didn’t think he needed friends. He asked me what I get out of my friendships and was keen to tell me that he obviously had no problem with me having friends whatsoever but it just wasn’t a big thing in his life. He’s not massively close to his family and one parent has died, the other lives miles away though he has been therefore his dad when he was ill.

He has a busy job and is an interesting person with interesting views and conversation. I like him but this has bothered me. AIBU? I have friends but lot loads, I am also a bit of a loner sometimes but I also enjoy that connection with the people I have had in my life for many years now so I struggle to identity with the idea that this wouldn’t matter to someone...

My newish DP doesn't have any close friends. I have lots of friends and sometimes with my closest friends I have a lot 'on my plate' so to speak as I have their dramas as well as my own. DP has commented on how I cope with it etc. He has been on stag do's though! And has friends but again they're not local, he never meets with them. Part of me wish he had a few local mates as he just spends time with me or his child. I feel like I'm spread thin sometimes!
I don't particularly find it worrying though.

Apparently the first time we were due to meet and I cancelled (he confirmed very late the night before, by which point I had made other plans), he’s since said he was actually very annoyed by that, even though at the time I had no idea as he simply re arranged with me.

^^ this and other things you've said would be real red flags for me. I cannot believe he said that!! It's very hard to see things when you like someone.

Meet the other fella tonight OP

@neveradullmoment99 That would have made me end the relationship
Well it very nearly did. I gave him a short sharp shock. I left him. He changed a lot after that. I have been with him for 30 plus years. We worked through it. Something that isn't done now.

BTW I don't like him being "annoyed" about what happened. Disappointed ok - but annoyed about that? It's not something to get annoyed about especially when he was the one who did not confirm early enough.

As roly says sometimes an extrovert will struggle with an introvert.. Thats me I think..purely because of the way they handle things. (I have a thread running where my dp.. X but can't bring myself to think about it) has finished with me on holiday. He seems to be so used to his own company that he can deal with anything.. Or so it seems. So whereas I have quite a few friends who I can talk to, he has none.. He feels he doesn't need people in his life.. That includes me😭
Not tarring everyone with the same brush of course, I'm just saying when and if you want a bit more commitment you may struggle.. I hope not

I’ve never been on a hen night - thank goodness!

I've never been on a hen night either- I shudder at the thought.

@userxx I just live my life til the next beau comes along really? I have my own projects and adventures and heavily into my career so I just ramp that all up.

I have never been on a hen night either, and I would hate to be on one

I don't really have any friends, and I'm a 40year old friendly, sociable woman! I have no one to call if I need help with something. I have no one to invite to my birthday parties. I have no family. No mates at work. I have a child with special needs who hates going out, and it is incredibly isolating.

He sounds a bit like myself. I'm quite happy being by myself and I do have a dp and dc but don't care for mates

I don't think it's a red flag (he sounds pretty sensible and content with the situation), but you have to consider whether it works with your lifestyle/preferences.

I really enjoy going out for events (arts/theatre/gigs etc), and also love an evening in a bar/pub with a group of friends. I would be incredibly frustrated I my partner wasn't the same, and if all organising always fell to me. I dated a guy once who was like the guy you're seeing, and although he was lovely, it was exhausting to have that kind of mismatch. Fortunately my partner now is exactly the same - we are out most nights, sometimes together, sometimes separately. Whatever works for both of you!

I would think it slightly odd and I would be very worried that he might become too needy or over dependent on you. If he is genuinely happy with his own company and doesn't want you to be with him all the time then fair enough.
But I do read a lot of threads on here where one partner just doesn't like the other partner having their own friends or social life and tries to control what their partner does.
What are his hobbies and interests, personally I would find it odd if someone didn't have any hobbies and just stayed in every night watching tv ... but some people might find my hobbies odd .

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread. But it sounds like you described me. If I was a man and if I was your boyfriend.

Everyone is different, some of us don’t form relationships easily and prefer our own company. I don’t have friends and like my family, but can go months without seeing them.

It’s not a red flag...it’s just a different type of personality.

Someone who had no friends, and had never had any, would not be a suitable partner for me. I value friendship extremely highly and as a partner for me that would be a red flag. That's not to say he wouldn't be a perfectly excellent partner for someone who wanted that.

Just like I wouldn't go out with someone who was passionate about a football team (I think that's stupid) or who was very religious. Doesn't make them bad people. Just not right for me.

Is someone with no friends right for you, OP?

I'm getting a few bad vibes about the guy - but it's not me who is going on dates with him. Trust your instincts - they will tell you what works for you.

I'd not want to be with someone who wanted me to be the be all and end all - his partner and best friend at the exclusion of all others. Because I need to have a wider circle than that - I have had BFs who have resented me spending time with friends. That was the end of that - I'd go mad if my only company was one man.

He sounds like a male version of me. I don't see it as anything bad. I don't have friends. I have people who I work with and people I have known from school etc but never talk to anymore. DH is the opposite and has friends he's had since he was 4 and meets up with them still. I'm an introvert and find it difficult to makes friends and maintain friendships. I find it exhausting just being around people and crave solitude. Just before I met my husband I was looking at moving to another part of the country to start afresh and be away from everyone. I'm glad I didn't otherwise I wouldn't have my DD.

Here to add my grain of sand.He sounds just like my dh and i. He moved to a new city before i met him( he has some family here but hardly sees or speaks to them) has a few friends from many years ago he hardly even keeps in contact with. People at work invite him out but he cant really be bothered. Me, i had a divorce a few years ago that made me change everyone around me, my family live abroad. I have mates from work but its so far from home that socialising is not practical or a priority. We're busy with jobs and kids and come the weekend are just happy to chill together. I think your fella is normal. Friendless is not uncommon at all as youve seen feom previous posts lol

My DH is like this. Happy in his own company. If he gets asked out by colleagues or 'friends' he may or may not go but he'll never call someone himself, isn't fussed about it, has no need for anyone and is happiest when at home with dog and kid listening to music with a glass of red wine.

He might have trust issues as he commented on people being unreliable and also bringing up that you cancelled...the focus on marriage too , like it's a guarantee that the person will stay forever...its too early to say. He also might be just an introvert.

I'm the same (I'm male). Never understood my wife's need to constantly socialise and only managed to make it work by drinking. When I stopped drinking I stopped socialising and don't feel like anything is missing fro my life.

Apart from my immediate nuclear family and work, I have very few people I feel the need to talk to. (Even then I'm in a job that allows me to avoid contact with people for most of the time if I want.)

I think it could be a red flag, OP. My abusive ex had no friends and tried to stop me from having any. I often think it was a sign I ignored when I should've heeded the warning. It might not be the case, but I'd be wary.

You just described my DH. He prefers to do his own thing. If he was a stag do going footy fan with loads of drinking buddies he wouldn't be the man I love!