Problem with new daughter in law

[wishiwasinthesun]

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

Some of these replies are just bonkers.
The op had a good relationship with the new partner, she didn't favour one over the other.
I thinks it's more to do with the fact the son doesn't seem to want to marry her, rather than something the op had done

What kind of a relationship has your new DIL with your DS's older children? Does she have any/much contact with the exDIL ? Her statement that you've "made your choice" strikes me as something that belongs in some argument she, DP & exw have become embroiled in, or she & DP have had regarding his exw & that she's assuming has been relayed in full to you & that you're making it clear who's "side" you're on.

Honestly? You shouldn't be going on holiday with the ex wife. Remain friendly? Yes but holidaying is showing his current wife that the ex is in a very powerful position in the family still and like it or not you are the matriarch. She's feeling vulnerable and threatened. Of course she's reacting the way she is. You need to apologise for being so insensitive and do something to show her that her place in the pack is safe ( and higher than the ex).

Ridiculous.

So - current DIL wants to get married but your son doesn't.
Son says he's not responsible for her insecurities.
You get on so well with the ex that you holiday together.

I'm not surprised she's upset. She's incredibly vulnerable, and that combination means she must feel like a convenient brood-mare, rather than a person valued for herself.

It's not your fault that your son won't marry her, even though they have a kid together, but it is pouring salt into the wound. Perhaps you should talk to him about how he can support/respect his partner so that she's less vulnerable (financially and emotionally). If she posted her situation here, people would be outraged on her behalf. Presumably she's on mat leave right now and is just beginning to see how much she's at risk.

and higher than the ex
But why should it be higher than the Ex?
And OP can go on holiday with whoever she likes.
If she wants to go with ExDIL and her own grandchildren then she bloody well can.
There are waaaaay too many precious snowflakes on this site.
I never realised until this thread.
WOW!!!!!

Anybody that tries to control another person through having strops and doing a disappearing act isn't worth your time or effort OP.

YANBU to go on holiday with anyone you choose.

She’s just had a baby FFS, so is bound to be a bit emotional and insecure. I assume there are all kinds of issues that maybe you’ve been unaware of, if she’s at point of not speaking to you and holidaying with ex-DiL is the last straw. I’d think carefully about whether you inadvertently give the impression of favouring the other family and also think carefully about how you’ve behaved when visiting. Have you bulldozed in grabbing the baby & made her feel surplus to requirements? If so and suddenly your jetting off with ex-DiL it’s no wonder she’s had enough!! Aware I am speculating - this is just an idea... (Speaking as a new mum!)

My son's partner gets on very well with older GC's. Son has said he just doesn't want to get married again. He definitely loves his partner as do me and my husband. We would be very happy if they married. No she is not on ML - wasn't working before becoming PG.

I am hoping that her birthday next week is the perfect opportunity for us to show her that she is valued by us and that we care about her a lot.

Your son's current wife is being unreasonable as presumably the friendship with your former daughter in law was already in place on the current terms when she came along?

You are a person in your own right, not just a mother or a mother in law. Enjoy your holiday and let the wife sulk it out.

I've never said 'you made your choice' another PP said that. If anything, I have favoured my son's partner, not the ex DIL as I see son's partner more. I have never taken baby off her, what a thing to say! I am always respectful of her relationship with my son and the baby. I understand that she may be feeling fragile after baby's birth, son works very hard and she has no financial worries. He is very happy with her and tells me so.

I'm not surprised she's upset. She's incredibly vulnerable, and that combination means she must feel like a convenient brood-mare, rather than a person valued for herself

Yet she chose to have a baby without any marriage commitment from him.

And her MiL is determined to play happy families with the ex

And why not? The ex is the mother of her grandkids. OP has asked the current wife to do on holiday thereby endeavouring to create the same happy families vibe.

To be clear, from the OP:

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice.

I don't think you should wait for her birthday to make her feel valued. She might not want you there to start with.
I'd try to sort it out before that, by asking her why she is so upset. She may or may not be unreasonable, but if she feels listened to, she's more likely to hear your side too.

It's not OP's job to tip toe around everyone else's insecurities and vulnerabilities particularly when effort has already been made. OP has her own life. The current wife needs to grow up. If she's pissed off her partner won't marry her, that's on her for allowing herself to have a baby with a man who doesn't want marriage.

I'd think it's just part of being human to try and sort out a relationship problem. Or at least to try and understand where the other person is coming from. Not sure the OP has done that.

You've had some weird responses here.

Assuming no back story where she's treated either your son or your Dil very badly, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you maintaining a good relationship with your ex-dil, in fact it's really nice that you do, especially for your grandchildren.

Her reaction seems extreme, although judging by the responses on here there are more than a few crazies who think it is a choice between the two I'd want to make sure there isn't more to it than meets the eye. Since she won't speak to you about it directly I'd speak to your son to make sure you haven't unintentionally done something else which has caused offence, or to understand exactly why she's reacted so badly to this - don't put him in the middle but just say you don't understand what you've done wrong and want to know so you can put it right. Of course if it is just that she has the emotional maturity of a toddler and thinks you have to completely ignore your ex-dil now dil's on the scene, you're stuck.

It's not OP's job to tip toe around everyone else's insecurities and vulnerabilities particularly when effort has already been made. OP has her own life. The current wife needs to grow up.

indeed and likewise, OP's sons new partner can exclude her from her grandchilds life, as a result of her choices, and that would be her prerogative too.

Son's partner is not a vindictive person and would not stop me from seeing baby.

It is so sad to think that once divorce occurs the whole family has to divorce too. Unfortunately the new partner doesn't want you to love somebody that is part of your family for a long time.
You are very lucky to have such strong bond with the mother of your grandchildren.
The heart can love many people and you don't stop just because your son has a new partner.
I'll probably would send a note saying that and that she is very important to you and hopefully she can think of the ex as a family friend.

That's the weird thing. You say she's great, not vindictive, so what's up?
My gut feeling is it's something your son doesn't want you to know about.

It's not holidaying with just the ex though, is it?

GC will be there & perhaps Op's husband.

Where is he in all of this?

Does he get the same treatment as the OP I wonder.

Has he also "taken sides"?

This thread is bonkers. I was DIL2. No way would I have expected in-laws to have nothing more to do with DL1. They had no DC but were childhood sweethearts and MIL was a surrogate parent to DIL1 as her own mother was a nightmare. In-laws were both gutted when they split up and it took a little bit of time for them to accept me but then they were wonderful (sadly now passed).

It’s all very immature - she’s a mother herself now and should be acknowledging all the different types of relationships that people successfully manage.

There’s a difference to remaining friendly and amicable to actually going on holiday. This suggests a much deeper relationship and of course it’s going to have a Knock on affect.

Why?