Problem with new daughter in law

[wishiwasinthesun]

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

I was exceptionally close to me ex mil. When dh has new partner though, she put distance between us, didn’t even need to say why, I understood.

It looks like taking sides - then of course MIL should also never holiday with the baby grandchild? Or what would people say if someone posted that grandma refuses to holiday with my DC, but happily goes away with the younger one.

*my ex mil

Nothing to do with language. Everything to do with status, legal ties (or not) and possibly commitment.

And contributing what to the current discussion? Neither DIL is “legally tied” to the OP.

Thanks for all your messages. It's her birthday soon and I had already said to DH that we will send her flowers and a nice card which is what we do every year. I think putting a note inside as suggested is a good idea.

I’ve experienced this as a DIL myself and it’s bloody horrible. Of course you are entitled to be friends with who you please, but it’s a smack in the face for the new partner for you to be going on holiday with the ex. Maintaining a relationship for the sake of your grandchildren, I get, but to me this is too much.

I have an extremely good relationship with my ex-mil, we built a friendship as exdp wasn't around so I always made the effort as did she for my dcs to be around their fathers side of the family, so I get on very well with all of them.
Despite not being in a relationship with him for 7 years I still get invited round for all special occasions and speak to her at least 3 times a week.

Exdp has had two partners in the time we have been separated and both have had a major problem with me, especially the one he is with now who is making my Mil life a living hell by trying to break up the family talking about everyone behind their backs and trying to force her to stop speaking to me. It's so upsetting for her and theres not a thing I can do about as I'm not officially their family anymore.

So no I dont think you should feel bad for talking to or going on holiday with your ex-dil and your grandchildren, your new dil should be embracing the fact you have a good relationship with her and your sons children.

I can see both sides here to be honest. Firstly, I am not surprised she is insecure really. Her partner won't marry her, talks about her insecurities and is supportive of you going on holiday with his ex. I can see why that might make her feel temporary, especially when her MIL of six years is calling her the 'new' DIL. It can be very difficult to separate emotion from reason, especially when you are full of hormones.

I suspect you going on holiday with the ex emphasises her feeling as the outsider based on the way your son is making her feel. So it is the straw that broke the camels back and it is easier to blame you than explore the issues in her relationship. She feels inferior to his ex wife in status and acceptance and I can see her side a bit here even with it being your side of the story.

My mother divorced my dad and was close to my nan, popped in often and saw her Christmas and birthdays, but she wouldn't have gone on holiday with her. I don't know why, but somehow going on holiday implies a closer relationship as I have good friends I wouldn't holiday with as I couldn't spend that much time with them without us falling out.

I think I would be uncomfortable with my MIL going on holiday with my husband's ex wife, but can't explain why. I have been very close to ex's mothers, but when exes got new partners they have always put distance between us. It is different when grandchildren are involved of course, but I understood why they did it

I don’t understand why you can’t stay friends with your ds’ ex wife, where the break up has been amicable and especially when there are children involved. In my wider family an ex wife comes to family events and gets on perfectly well with uncle’s wife. They had an amicable break up, they had married young , had dc quickly, but soon realised that they were ill suited. He married again much later, very happily, she married again and had more dc. Surely in this sort of situation it is nicer for everyone, but for the children in particular, that people aren’t just dropped as soon as they become ex spouses, as though they have done something terrible ?
I think it is unreasonable to expect you to drop the ex wife as a friend OP. Have you had this out with your son ? I think the crux of this may well be that he doesn’t want to get married again yet, and you have become the misplaced focus of his partner’s hurt feelings. How long have they been together, three years ? If so that isn’t all that long to already have a baby, they would have still been in the early days when she got pregnant, and now she has a baby and he isn’t keen to get married, she might feel very unhappy and worried.
I think you need to talk this over with her properly, explain what you have said here, that you love and care for her. Hopefully she will see that if she ever split up with your son, having a good relationship with you as Granny would be really important.

I can see that in cases where someone has been treated very badly by a spouse, then that is different, but not in situations like this.

TellySavalashairbrush - but why? That’s the mother of her grandchildren and her son gets on with her. Why can’t she maintain a relationship and go on holiday with her grandkids and her former DIL? I honestly don’t understand. Not goading, just don’t get it.

Could you text/write to 'new DIL' and say "I'm sorry my holiday with ex-DIL has upset you, I'm really not taking sides. Would you like to come with me to that new spa hotel an hour away for a day; my treat"

You shouldn't feel bad about going on hols with your ex-DIL but perhaps investing in the relationship with new DIL would be nice, as well as wise.

I think it is very obvious there is no reason except brats wanting to control everyone's friend hence why nobody who says it is UR will elaborate why.

We can only go on what we have on her but I think it really might help you stop thinking of x as your x daughter in law and stop calling your son's partner new.

What does your son actually say about it all?

What do you want to do about the breakdown of the friendship with his partner?

I must admit, I’m finding it quite amusing that everyone who’s saying “I would be fuming” and “I would be so upset if my MIL did this” won’t explain why they would be fuming and upset.

We can only go on what we have on her but I think it really might help you stop thinking of x as your x daughter in law and stop calling your son's partner new

What? Do you honestly think hat in RL your friends and neighbours would be so picking about this ^^

The OP has written a post to explain the set up.
It IS her former DIL and it IS his current partner.

Talk about policing how people describe family

Personally I don't think you have done anything wrong.

Trouble is life is basically about negotiating others feelings towards you. DIL feels 2nd best, thats her issue but your problem.

Luckily I am not in your shoes as I’d be likely to say to dil if she wanted to behave like a child i’d treat her like one. But i am a bit of a twat like that!

My partner's mum does this (despite not being close to the ex while they were together and despite the conflict between my partner and the ex that has happened since). I've never said anything but honestly it has just made me shut off from wanting to foster a close relationship with her. I'm polite but I don't consider myself part of the family, I don't look forward to seeing them or seek out opportunities to do so etc. It is a barrier to me wanting to be friends with her.

I think it's unfair to say the new partner is being controlling or telling you who you can be friends with - she hasn't told you to do anything, she's just withdrawn from you as a result of you being close to someone that makes her sad and uncomfortable. I would and have done the same.

You are of course free to be friends with whoever you like but you can't expect her not to feel uncomfortable and to be honest I really can't see why you would feel the need to rock the boat and organise a holiday given you say on balance you are closer to the new partner anyway and not that close to the ex. Why not just keep corresponding/meeting up as you do, why make the lavish statement of a holiday and then act surprised it has caused upset?

partner won't marry her, talks about her insecurities and is supportive of you going on holiday with his ex. I can see why that might make her feel temporary, especially when her MIL of six years is calling her the 'new' DI.

I think you need to separate out the relationship between the son and his current partner, and the friendship the OP has with his ex wife.

There is no cross-over imo.

The OP is not a threat to the new partner. why should she be? She's hardly angling to have her son ditch her.

I also think there is far too much focus on the semantics of the OPs posts.

She is a NEW partner compared to the ex wife.

If his mum wants to go on holiday with his former wife that is NOTHING to do with her and she's a cheeky monkey to even make waves about it. If she had any sense she'd be trying to create a bond with her partner's mum, not alienate her.

She sounds incredibly immature and maybe the son is unsure himself of the permanency of the set up.

If my son or daughter had former partners who I wanted to keep as friends I'd be very annoyed if their (younger??) new partners felt they could tell me as 50+ yr old woman who I could have as a friend. it's outrageous.

I would and have done the same. Why would you feel threatened by 2 adult women having a friendship and having a holiday? It's none of your business who his mum has as a friend. The couple are divorced, they have teenage children, they are in contact amicably.

Why does his whole past have to be erased because the marriage broke down?

Why not just keep corresponding/meeting up as you do, why make the lavish statement of a holiday and then act surprised it has caused upset?

FFS
A holiday is a lavish statement (between 2 adult women?)

You are the one projecting all of this, fuelled by some kind of insecurity and jealousy. You GOT the man! Why does it upset you that his mum still maintains contact with his ex? You sound bitter and confused. try some therapy.

OP I think you've had quite a hard time on here, I think if you're a MIL you always end up with 'I would like to know the DILs side', etc. But DILs don't get that when they post about their MILs.

I think your DSs partner is being really rude, and needs to grow up, she may be feeling insecure but as an adult you realise and manage those feelings. And making a choice? Immature language that my DC used to use! Be friends with whomever you want, go on holiday with the ex- you get along and will have a great time. I could understand if your DS and his ex didn't get along but they coparent well. I don't understand why people are being rude about your DS, lots of us talk to our DMs about our relationships particularly when there's an issue- why wouldn't your DS discuss this with you?

Hope you have a great time on holiday

Be careful op, you could lose your son and grandchild as well your dil.

@JinglingHellsBells - well the OP asked for advice.

The OP doesn't say current partner but new.

Still six years in.

Her DiL is being unreasonable but the OP wants to resolve it.

JinglingHellsBells

Well firstly my situation is a bit different because it is NOT amicable, my partner's ex has been despicable to me and my family and has made life miserable for my partner before and after they split. His mum was not close to her before, in fact she caused a huge rift in the family, but after they split she inundated her with calls and texts etc and it has just ended up in a situation where they talk daily, on paper for the benefit of my SS, though it has actually caused nothing but problems for the whole family dynamic. Many family opportunities with his son that are important to my partner have been lost by them being shared with his ex - traditions like seeing Santa, holidays, introducing him to more distant relations in partner's family etc. It hurts my partner and I love him and care about how it makes him feel. He has lost the opportunity to share his family with his son who sees them as a connection to his mum who has been a highly toxic presence in my partner's life and who has nothing but disdain for him and myself.

Like I said I am polite and friendly with her, I just don't have a close bond with her as a result of this and it is a barrier to that ever happening.

Your previous comment gives the impression that DILs should be trying to impress their MILs to develop a bond with them, but honestly, I don't NEED to be close to her, I'm not going to swallow my feelings just to be accepted by her. I'm perfectly fine without a secondary mother figure in my life, if anything it's far more likely to effect her negatively than me (since me not being bothered about seeing her often will naturally mean she sees her granddaughter less, not as a deliberate slight but as a natural consequence.)

She doesn't have to moderate her friendships based on my wishes, and I don't have to be close with someone who's friendships make me uncomfortable.

You are the one projecting all of this, fuelled by some kind of insecurity and jealousy. You GOT the man! Why does it upset you that his mum still maintains contact with his ex? You sound bitter and confused. try some therapy.

This is very rude. I have explained how my situation differs from the OP in my other comment, but still, this is uncalled for. I am not insecure or jealous, I certainly do not need therapy, I just don't have a desire to foster a close relationship I don't actually need with someone who is friends with someone I and my partner dislike. I have in no way been rude to her, I have not even hinted to my private feelings on the matter to her because I respect her right to choose her own friends, I have simply not sought her out for a close bond. Most people do not seek out friendships with people who are close to someone they have a grievance with.