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Relationships

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Original poster

Problem with new daughter in law

399 replies

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 08:10

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

OP posts:

Original poster

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 15:50

Yes DH is coming on holiday too. His view of son's partner is different to mine. His opinion of her has changed because of comments she made to him which are to remain private.

OP posts:

Novembersbean · 11/10/2019 15:55

What I don't get is all these comments saying DIL is trying to force you not to be friends with her. There's no evidence of that, she's just exercising her right to back away as it makes her uncomfortable.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong OP and wouldnt support her opening an argument with you about it, but all the comments saying she should just grow up and be fine with it are basically saying she should just relinquish her right to step away from a situation that makes her uncomfortable. She is entitled to feel that way just as OP is entitled to maintain a relationship with her son's ex. Why should she not be allowed to distance herself?

There's nothing wrong with what either of you are doing, you just need to decide whether your relationship with DIL is important enough for you to take any steps to make her feel more comfortable, or whether you are happy to be civil but probably never close.

spiritslevel · 11/10/2019 15:56

I'd think it's just part of being human to try and sort out a relationship problem. Or at least to try and understand where the other person is coming from. Not sure the OP has done that

Nor has the current daughter in law. Cuts both ways

spiritslevel · 11/10/2019 16:04

indeed and likewise, OP's sons new partner can exclude her from her grandchilds life, as a result of her choices, and that would be her prerogative too

The Mil's choice to maintain a relationship with her other grandkids mum is a valid reason for the new daughter in law to cut her out of her younger grandchild's like? The MIL's motivation behind her decision is love and friendship. The second DIL's would be based on spite. Absolutely her prerogative to be spiteful though, and deny her child a loving grandmother.

Why does the second DIL think the MIL's own life decisions should revolve around her? Maintaining a relationship with first DIL is really no skin off second DIL's nose.

Original poster

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 16:17

Novembersbean you are exactly right. We are both right really. She has the prerogative to decide whether she wants a relationship with me and I am entitled to choose who I holiday with. I had asked her before to come on holiday with us but she declined, fair enough. As I have said before I do want a relationship with her but at the end of the day as previous posts have said that is her choice and I can only accept her decision and move on if she says no.

OP posts:

jamdhanihash · 11/10/2019 16:17

WWYD?

Talk to your son's new partner! Empathise with her. See her perspective. Explain you understand how she feels.

You've made this about you. You sound a bit defensive. Maybe you've reason to be maybe you've not. Nobody can tell from this distance. I suspect there's more backstory than you've relayed, or that you're even aware of. But realise your choice has hurt her (regardless of justification) and approach with empathy.

Original poster

wishiwasinthesun · 11/10/2019 16:41

There is no back story. I don't feel defensive. Sorry if I give that impression I have already said that I am going to make another effort and will speak to her.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 11/10/2019 17:00

Yes DH is coming on holiday too. His view of son's partner is different to mine. His opinion of her has changed because of comments she made to him which are to remain private.

This is interesting and changes things OP. So there IS a divide in the family dynamic.

awarmglow · 11/10/2019 17:20

You've made this about you...realise your choice has hurt her

I think this is what the son's gf has done, not OP! The relationship with the DIL existed long before the gf came along. Why should OP bend over backwards? She's been very warm and accompanying to the gf already.

Is this what is meant by a woman believing she has a golden uterus? The gf needs to accept the older grandkids and their family set up is as important as her own. I applaud the OP

Blueoasis · 11/10/2019 17:27

Hang on, have you asked her to come on holiday with you, your DH, her partner (your son) and their kids? Or have you asked her to come on holiday with you, the ex abd her kids?

It kind of sounded like you meant you've asked her to come with you and the ex but wasn't sure.

Ellapaella · 11/10/2019 19:11

My MiL goes on holiday and has the odd weekend away with my DH's ex. It honestly doesn't bother me in the slightest, MIL maintained a good relationship for the sake of my step daughter (her granddaughter).
I also have a good relationship with MIL who has also come away on holiday with us as a family and who I spend time with on a regular basis.
I wouldn't dream of telling her who she can or can't spend time with.
It would only bother me if the ex started popping up regularly at family events which she doesn't.

I agree with you OP that you are a grown adult who is entitled to spend time with whomever you choose. Seems to me you have been careful to also make your new DIL feel welcome and let of the family, if she has an issue with it that's a shame.
How does your son feel about you spending time with the ex and upsetting his current wife though? Surely that's more important?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/10/2019 19:34

BTW the son's current partner is not a daughter in law- they are not married.

My son and his other half aren't married - I still refer to her as my DIL because she is as good as - they are in a solid "spousal-type" relationship.

And I hate the term "partner" used in a romantic/ domestic context - it sounds eye "cld" to me. They are so much more than that to each other.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/10/2019 19:35

*very "cold" not eye "cld"

ffs

Lweji · 11/10/2019 19:37

Nor has the current daughter in law. Cuts both ways

I'm not talking to the DIL, so I can only advise the OP, and my advice to her is to keep communication channels open.
My advice also comes from something she said on the OP which suggested she hasn't been trying to get the DIL's point of view but only explain hers.

Branleuse · 11/10/2019 21:09

i think going on holiday with your sons ex wife is quite weird and inappropriate, and if I were you, I would pull out of the holiday, tell your new DIL that youre sorry you upset her, you didnt realise that she would feel so strongly as you all seemed to get on so well, , but on reflection its not appropriate and you never meant to hurt her feelings.
Tell your sons ex wife that shit has hit the fan, and while everything was fine you having emails and the odd bit of contact, that youre going to have to back out of the holiday. Youll reimburse her for anything out of pocket for her over it so far, but that a holiday is really not worth the fall out

backaftera2yearbreak · 11/10/2019 21:15

There are some really weird opinions on here. Don’t pull out of the holiday. Enjoy your relationship with the mother of your grandchildren. I still see my ex mother in law. I go for lunch with her when I can. My relationship with her has no baring in the relationship with my ex’s new wife. Because she’s a grown up and understands I was part of the family for a long time.

Branleuse · 11/10/2019 21:23

some people are fine with their exes staying friends with the family, but most people want some sort of break. Even amongst people who want a break, most people have their limits. If my mum went on holiday with my ex, id think theyd both lost the plot. Id have strong words and my dp would not be happy at all, even though we are all on friendly terms. If my MIL remained friends with my dps exwife I wouldnt like it. Relationships end and as sad as thatis for the family sometimes, the same relationships with your childs partner usually cant be maintained without some degree of fall out.
I really liked my ex husbands parents but we did not stay in touch because that would be weird for my ex and his new partner. Its all divided loyalties otherwise.

Branleuse · 11/10/2019 21:24

Sometimes it seems like an extention of the whole coolgirl thing. We have to all pretend we never feel insecure, never feel jealous. Nothing rocks our boat

backaftera2yearbreak · 11/10/2019 21:30

Goodness me. My my and my ex’s mum meet up for days out with the grand kids. I find some of these attitudes bizarre. I could understand if there was history of abuse or something like that. But my ex mother in law is great.

backaftera2yearbreak · 11/10/2019 21:30

*my mum and ex’s mum

Branleuse · 11/10/2019 21:33

if all of you are happy with that @backaftera2yearbreak then thats fine, but if your exes new partner didnt like it, and you continued, and you knew that could cause issues for their relationship, you wouldnt back off then?

backaftera2yearbreak · 11/10/2019 21:35

No I bloody wouldn’t. Her problem not mine.

backaftera2yearbreak · 11/10/2019 21:36

I was at a kitchen table drinking wine with my ex mother in law and ex husband at 1am after ex brother in law killed himself. The new wife new. There was no issue. I knew ex brother law far longer and better than she did. So there was no issue. She was just unable to attend the funeral.

Branleuse · 11/10/2019 21:40

wow.

Branleuse · 11/10/2019 21:41

but even if there was an issue, you wouldnt give a shit, cos youd known them longest?

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