Problem with new daughter in law

[wishiwasinthesun]

Hi

Need some advice please.

My son has been with his partner now for a few years and they have a baby (6 mths old). I used to get on really well with her.

My sons ex-wife is lovely and we have a really good relationship. Have known her for a long time. She is the mother to my 2 eldest grandchildren who are now teenagers. The problem is with my son's new partner who has issues with my son's ex-wife.

I am going on holiday next year and am going with son's ex-wife. Since his new partner found out she hasn't spoken to me. My son has quite an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and they co-parent really well.

Things are very difficult now with his new partner, I don't feel that I can go to their house to see my grandchild. On 2 occasions she has just got up and walked out when we have been there, only returning several hours later.

Have tried talking to her about this but she just shuts me down saying that I have made my choice. My son is stuck in the middle and does ring me frequently and says that I can visit whenever I want but it is such a horrible atmosphere. I don't live near my son so visits have to be planned and I don't think he would be allowed to come to visit us on his own with baby.

WWYD??

To some extent, people are responding as if the GC are not young adults here.

I don't understand the argument that getting on well is only necessary in the childhood years of blended families. There have been several times as an adult that not being able to have our parents in the same room or supporting each other to support a couple through tough times would have made everything much worse.

For instance, DH's paternal half sister came and lived with her dad (supposedly but he was a bit of a playboy) and DH's mum when she was younger. That meant she developed a really tight bond with her step mother (she calls her mum). Her BM and my MIL are not friendly at all (infidelity involved) but still managed to support SIL all through her wedding prep, wedding (both on top table) and as grandmothers to her children at their events too.

There's also some unspoken assumption that a relationship with the mother is the only way to ensure a relationship with the GC.

It isn't the only way but it makes everything easier. Say with my DIL, she's never had to carefully manage which visits and when or have 2 events so everyone can attend. MIL is the kindest, loveliest woman but I dread to think what she would say if any of her children by love (as she calls us) dared treat her this way. It just wouldn't be an option.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Unless I've missed something significant, I don't see these "camps" you speak of. I see that a marriage broke down and the members moved on. Why are there camps or teams? Why isn't their one team which has expanded and evolved over time?

I agree with hellsbellslemons. They have history together, in fact her relationship with the ex DIL is probably helping to keep the family unit together. The new DIL would/should have understood the situation she was buying into. Having children with another partner, and having it work without conflict means they all need to get on with each other. I think in the interest of child welfare, Parents should learn to stay togethert for 18Y + Now every body thinks the grass in greener on the other side. Selfish if you ask me.

I wouldn’t be happy either if I was DIL2.

She doesn’t have to be friends with you.

@Fantie

What would you be unhappy about? Can you elaborate?

To everyone who would be upset, do you get upset if you fall out with a friend and mutual friends won't also cut them off? Serious question.

Parents should learn to stay togethert for 18Y +
But how do we learn this?
I took wedding vows.
I stuck to mine.
He cheated.
What? I just forgive him. I forget my own morals, standards and boundaries and let him just carry on?
Not on my watch!!!!
Cheating = deal breaker for me.
He was outta there!!!!

Could you write to her and make it clear that you do not and never will discuss your son’s new family or his new life with the ex, or vice versa.

Say that you became friends with the ex-wife over a number of years and do not want to lose that friendship, but that does not mean you cannot have other friendships.

And then wait for her to thaw.

I’m a second wife and I really do not like the first wife or her on-going attempts to interfere in our life, but that animosity shouldn’t affect anyone else. I hope it’s sorted by Xmas.

Son isn't married to new partner. She wants this but he doesn't.

This struck me. Your DiL has just had a new baby, so she is probably feeling a little vulnerable. That your son doesn't want to marry her, probably makes her feel even more vulnerable. Add to that, her partner's mother (you are not her MiL) going on hols with his ex-wife probably makes her feel her position is even more temporary.

Cut her a little slack!

Not DiL - son's new partner (you also used this term)

I'm not saying she's right to feel that way, but I am in sort of a similar situation, in that my partner's family spend a lot of time with his ex (they were never married, but together for 8 years).

They socialise together, the 4 women (his mum, his sister, his brother's wife and his ex) and I've never got an invite, despite having been with him for two years now, and regularly visiting them with him.

He and his ex had been split for almost a year when we got together, so I was never the other woman or anything like that.. but for the whole time, the family have made it clear they would have preferred him to stay with her.

It's a difficult one though, as he was treated very badly by his ex before, so got with her when he shouldn't really, as he never truly loved her, yet stayed with her a long time as he didn't want to break her heart, or be on his own.. he tells me he loves me, and he finds that very difficult to say due to situation with his son's mum, so I know he means it - and his family know it, too.

It's not that I think his ex should be banned from the family, she's actually quite a nice lady and I know her myself and speak to her sometimes, it's just that I feel they obviously would prefer me to go away and for the two of them to get back together (they have said something to this effect in front of my partner when we first got together, so it's definitely true).

You go on holiday with whoever you want, and she IS being unreasonable for not speaking to you over it.. but there can be a sort of jealousy and insecurity around exes that aren't really much to do with the ex themselves, but more the position that they hold in the family, compared with the new partner.

I have no idea if that makes sense.

I feel like I've read this thread before, but written by DIL2. Where is it? Is there a way we can search? Does it exist? Am I going crazy?

I understand why she is upset but won't be told who I can see

So not a wwyd or an aibu, just a “I’m doing this tell me I’m right”

FWIW, I wouldn’t have agreed to go. Especially not with a woman I barely ever see. It looks like taking sides.

From what I can see, the OP actually made a great deal of effort to build up a similar relationship with the new DIL, inviting her to go on holiday too; the DIL turned it down. I don't feel that gives the DIL the right to dictate what the MIL does with her old friendship with the former DIL.

As Jingling says:

*The son and former DIL divorced.

That does not mean that any friendships the DIl built up with the extended family have to end.*

I had a very close relationship with my brother's ex: we spent our holidays together when our children were little, they grew up almost like siblings, to me it was a bit like having a sister. And then suddenly she was gone, and I and my dc were supposed not to have that relationship any more. To dc she was their aunt, the one who had looked after them and played with them when they were little. However nice OW eventually turned out to be, it was not for her to dictate what I and my children did about somebody who was dear to us. I just didn't feel that she had the right to make either me or them make a choice that we hadn't asked for. The only circumstances under which I might have felt that would have been if ex-SIL had behaved very badly towards either my brother or new SIL. She hadn't.

Parents should learn to stay togethert for 18Y + Now every body thinks the grass in greener on the other side. Selfish if you ask me.

You really didn't think this through, did you?

Apart from anything else, what does that have to do with the issues between the OP and her DIL2?

OP, I don't think this is about you and your relationship with the ex-wife.

I suspect there will be more to it and that your DIL2 is feeling insecure regarding her place in the family for some reason. It could have to do with your son or your DIL1 has behaved in ways that you're not aware. Some pps may be right about her wanting to get married.

If you try to talk to DIL2 about it again, try to listen to her instead of talking to her or explaining your reasons. The way you say she shuts you down suggests you're talking at her, not with her, about it.

If my MIL went on holiday with my husbands ex I would feel VERY put out

Why? Genuine question, I don’t see how it would affect you at all?

In my case, ex and I didn’t even have any children together, so there wasn’t even that “reason” for spending a holiday together. We just really enjoy each other’s company, had a shared love of the same destination, had common interests of sightseeing stuff, so why the fuck not? The fact that her son was my ex had literally no impact on our decision to holiday together. I imagine the OP is the same. What a shame it would be to end a friendship because the new DIL had a problem with it. I literally don’t even see why it’s a problem?!

How about sending DIL a note and some flowers.
Tell her you did not realise accepting an invite to go on holiday with your eldest grandchildren and their mother would cause upset, and you never meant for this to happen.
That you love all your grandchildren and would welcome the opportunity to holiday with holiday with her and your son, as you know she is your son's future.
Is there anything you can do to help her? Maybe babysit so she can have a night out?

So let's say you talk to DIL - what would you say? It's clear you do not think you are doing anything wrong, and equally clear that she thinks you are. If your idea of a talk is that you will explain why she is wrong and you are right, then that's really not going to help at all. Unless you are willing to listen to her view and the modify your behaviour so you do not upset her a talk is not going to change anything, only make it worse..

I think shes being petty and territorial. My own mother could go on holiday with ny ex and I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Shed have a miserable time but she could go.

I dont understand why shes upset you sound perfectly normal and lovely.

My son has already spoken to her to try and resolve and he is in no way to blame for her insecurities. (His word not mine)

How nice I wonder if there's anyone prepared to make the mental stretch to understand how this may come across to the "new DIL"

Given that you seem to be so familiar with what's going on in their relationship (and so willing to chat about it) I also wonder what was said in the GC's hearing on that last holiday, and might have got back to her

I can’t say this would bother me as a DIL, what right does she have to punish her MIL because she’s maintaining a relationship with her ex DIL?
It’s a bit controlling and childish to strop off, exclude and ignore someone because you’re threatened by their friendship with someone you don’t like.

I think in the interest of child welfare, Parents should learn to stay togethert for 18Y + Now every body thinks the grass in greener on the other side. Selfish if you ask me.

Oh yes. How very dare anyone leave an abusive or toxic relationship when they have children! Selfish arseholes. 🙄

The GC here being adults dies matter because at that point they should not require their parents to facilitate a relationship with their GPs for them. Yes, obviously, it's nice is everyone can get on nicely for graduations or weddings or whatever. But if a GC needs their mum to ensure they actually see or speak to their gran, then that GC isn't really interested in a relationship with their GPs.

We (as a culture) constantly absolve men of the responsibility for maintaining relationships with their family and for their children. It's clearly positioned as wifework (even after divorce it seems). As such, a DIL who doesn't want to do it is a dreadful, selfish cow but her DH/P is 'a good dad' even though he's not doing it.

The OP can remain friends with her exDIL. But all this ensuring relationships with the GC nonsense is just classic letting men off the hook. (It is probably no coincidence that the GC appears to be sons in this case).

Oh thank goodness the language police have arrived hmm

She is a partner, not a wife.

Nothing to do with language. Everything to do with status, legal ties (or not) and possibly commitment.

GC are teenagers and clearly happy to still holiday with family. MIL gets along nicely with DIL1, so is happy to spend time with her - clearly they have their own relationship, independent of just being an ex MIL and DIL. Only person unreasonable is DIL1, throwing a strop because she wants to decide whom MIL can holiday with.

OP you caused this problem yourself. Holiday with whomever you like, but don't be surprised by the reactions to that action. Personally I think you have been pretty clumsy in your actions.