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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unrealistic in my expectations?

154 replies

NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:08

I have been with my boyfriend for years. We split up last month briefly but have now got back together.

We split because of his cold hearted behaviour towards me. This culminated in him saying that looks wise I was a 5 out of ten. This was a devastating blow to my confidence. To hear my own boyfriend basically call me ugly was just horrendous.

We have discussed matters and I told him he needed to stop criticising me and that I felt that I had to beg him for a kind word. He told me that I was asking him to be someone he wasn’t.

So today, he was discussing his best friend’s wife with a mutual friend in front of me. He rated her a 7/10.

Am I being out of order to absolutely despair at this? Like he has plenty of ability to praise his friends wife (he also says she is a brilliant cook whilst criticising my cooking) but can’t even say a single nice thing to me.

I’m not expecting lavish declarations of my brilliance. But he literally does not say anything nice about me. He makes me feel unreasonable when I ask him to be a bit kinder towards me.

OP posts:
justsotiredallthetime · 08/10/2019 20:09

Sounds like an insensitive knob!

WhiteVixen · 08/10/2019 20:11

Why on earth did you get back together with him? Chuck him back in the sea, he’s not a keeper. You shouldn’t have to ask your partner to be nicer to you.

minmooch · 08/10/2019 20:12

And you are with this cock for what reason?

Windydaysuponus · 08/10/2019 20:13

Maybe discuss penis size and rate him a 5...
The tell him your ex was a 10.
Then Ltb.
My dh tells me I am beautiful.
I am not but to him I am.
Don't settle for a twat op.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 20:13

Don't you think you deserve better than this? If your friend told you this is how her boyfriend treats her, what would you tell her to do?

WelcomeToShootingStars · 08/10/2019 20:14

No. I don't think it should be beyond the realms of reasonable for anybody to expect their partner to act decently and nicely towards them.

Sorry but your partner sounds as though he doesn't even like you, what exactly do you get out of being with him?

Original poster
NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:15

Well, I just don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations. He tells me that I do and that I shouldn’t need validation from him.

However, I didn’t need validation until we got together. Slowly, I feel like my self esteem has been eroded.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:15

Should your partner make you feel beautiful (even if you’re not?)

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 20:17

Why are your standards so low? Have you thought about that?

Lllot5 · 08/10/2019 20:17

Stop going out with him. You don’t need this shit in your life.

Bigmango · 08/10/2019 20:19

He said that not to be honest but purely to hurt you. Why would anyone who cares about someone want to hurt them like that? He’s a dick and most likely abusive. Stop questioning what he said and get the fuck out of dodge...

WickedLemon · 08/10/2019 20:20

He told me that I was asking him to be someone he wasn’t

He’s right.

He’s a twat who rates women’s looks out of 10. He’ll never be nice, kind or decent. He’s literally told you that. Confused

Do you honestly think all men are like that and your expectations are unrealistic?

Gemma1971 · 08/10/2019 20:20

Sounds like he enjoys making you feel less than.

Check out information about narcissists. They triangulate you with other people to make you feel bad, have a very high opinion of themselves.... superficially at least.. but always need to feel better than everyone else - even if that means hurting other people.

He knows you can do better, so he puts you down.

No you should not need constant validation, but he's not even throwing you crumbs.

My ex did this to bring me down. Then he would say I was too sensitive. Couldn't take a joke. That is why he is an ex... and I gave him many chances, but he just couldn't help himself. He kept doing it.

When you decide you are worth more, you will ditch him for good. I hope that is soon.

And if you aren't sure that he is being a mean bastard, imagine saying similar shit to him. No? There's your answer...

holidays987 · 08/10/2019 20:20

Aw this doesn't sound good. But you know what to expect of him now, so the ball is in your court as to whether you're going to accept being in a relationship with someone like this. Perhaps you would be happier on your own or with someone else. I think this sort of confidence knocking can chip away at your until you feel really, really low.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 08/10/2019 20:23

If you have to beg your partner to consider you as attractive to him, then that's pretty diabolical.

My ex used to have a pic of me in skanky clothes, hair scragged bag and just looking rough - and he had it as his phone lock screen!

He used to tell me and show me he found me (looks and personality) hugely attractive, despite my many flaws.

(Obvs the fact he is an ex doesn't exactly add credence to my post, but at the time it was 10% true!)

Original poster
NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:24

@Aquamarine1029 I suppose what I am trying to gauge is whether my standards are low.

He tells me that this is all normal behaviour and that I over react to trivia.

He would probably say that he is nice to me (I asked him how he is nice to me and he said that ‘we have a laugh’). That I am jealous of other women that he comments about and flirts with. That I am crazy and irrational.

When I said most partners build each other up and think that the other is the best person in the world, he told me that was ridiculous and he didn’t think I was the best woman in the world.

I think he might have done a number on me.

OP posts:
something2say · 08/10/2019 20:26

Your bf is in the wrong here but dont expect him to admit that...

eddielizzard · 08/10/2019 20:27

My ex was like this. Would never say anything nice or give me a compliment because he said if he didn't think it, he couldn't say it. Couldn't think of anything nice to say. At all. I left.

My DH does say nice things. I have lovely friends, so I can't be all that bad...

Don't settle for this guy. He doesn't deserve you.

iklboo · 08/10/2019 20:27

He's a negging twat. Get rid OP, you're worth more than this arsehole.

Jaxinthebox · 08/10/2019 20:27

I think you need to bin him for good and rebuild your self esteem.

category12 · 08/10/2019 20:28

Does this relationship make you happy and feel like you're valued and emotionally safe?

You split because he's cold-hearted towards you and doesn't give you what you need emotionally.

This is still the case. If not worse.

Do yourself a favour and end it properly and for good.

Lllot5 · 08/10/2019 20:29

He’s supposed to think you are the best woman in the world though.

starryeyed19 · 08/10/2019 20:31

Fuck that noise. Why be with someone who so clearly does not want to be with you? Is he waiting for someone better to come along?

RevealTheLegend · 08/10/2019 20:32

What a tosser.

Dump

starryeyed19 · 08/10/2019 20:32

Fuck that noise. Why be with someone who so clearly does not want to be with you? Is he waiting for someone better to come along?

He doesn't need to think you are perfect but he could stop trying to dismantle your self confidence and self belief. Dump him. He's not worth it.

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