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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unrealistic in my expectations?

154 replies

NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:08

I have been with my boyfriend for years. We split up last month briefly but have now got back together.

We split because of his cold hearted behaviour towards me. This culminated in him saying that looks wise I was a 5 out of ten. This was a devastating blow to my confidence. To hear my own boyfriend basically call me ugly was just horrendous.

We have discussed matters and I told him he needed to stop criticising me and that I felt that I had to beg him for a kind word. He told me that I was asking him to be someone he wasn’t.

So today, he was discussing his best friend’s wife with a mutual friend in front of me. He rated her a 7/10.

Am I being out of order to absolutely despair at this? Like he has plenty of ability to praise his friends wife (he also says she is a brilliant cook whilst criticising my cooking) but can’t even say a single nice thing to me.

I’m not expecting lavish declarations of my brilliance. But he literally does not say anything nice about me. He makes me feel unreasonable when I ask him to be a bit kinder towards me.

OP posts:
quincejamplease · 08/10/2019 20:34

I think you're right. He has done a number on you.

People who love each other and care about each other do build each other up. They nurture and encourage each other and are excited to see the other flourish.

this is very unhealthy and he's conditioning you to accept and blame yourself for his nasty behaviour. Anybody who calls you crazy for being hurt by their shitty behaviour is not a good partner. (He is practically reading from the abuser's script at this point.)

The Freedom Programme might help you get back that sense of what is normal in a healthy relationship and confidence in your own assessment of things. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

HollowTalk · 08/10/2019 20:34

This man will make you a shadow of your former self.

If you had a daughter who had a boyfriend like this, what would your advice be - to try to change him or to leave him immediately?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/10/2019 20:34

He's with you because he enjoys destroying your self esteem. Doing a good job, isn't he?

MattBerrysHair · 08/10/2019 20:34

Does he always pass comment on other women and rate them out of 10? If my dp did that I'd be gone, even if he said positive things about me, which doesn't happen in your relationship. Your bf is a misogynistic arse who sees women as nothing more than objects.

Craftycorvid · 08/10/2019 20:34

Should he think you are beautiful? YES! Hell, yes, woman! It’s utterly crass to ‘rate’ you or other women out of ten. Do not waste any more precious time on this tool. Angry

Gemma1971 · 08/10/2019 20:37

I started the Freedom Program 2 weeks ago. It is excellent. Granted I am a long way down the road from leaving the ex now and I had actually emotionally packed my bags a long time ago, but like you, he did a number on me so badly I almost got plastic surgery.

Get the Freedom Program online if there is nowhere local to you running it.

Original poster
NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:39

For those of you who have partners or have had partners - do they tell you that you’re beautiful? Do they try to build up your confidence?

Or are you expected to maintain your confidence yourself in the face of criticism?

OP posts:
Original poster
NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:40

I was driving home from work this evening and I was so filled with self loathing that I felt physically sick.

I think this has snapped something inside of me.

OP posts:
starryeyed19 · 08/10/2019 20:43

My current partner tells me I am beautiful a lot. I don't believe him and physically flinch at compliments sometimes but he gently persists. And tells me he loves me or that I am kind or caring or good at xxx. Someone who loves you looks for the best in you. The thought of them shouldn't make you physically sick

Janus · 08/10/2019 20:44

OMG, I used to be with someone just like this (many years ago). While he was good fun to be with (we started as friends), he was awful as a boyfriend. I was lucky that I’d been with a few boyfriends by then and knew how a good person behaved! I would come down in an outfit and he’d say ‘you’re not wearing that are you?’. I bloody wore it to make a point! He never praised how I looked or told me I was beautiful or even said he loved me that much! I stuck it out for about a year and then I just (finally) thought, fuck this I deserve better than this arse!
I met my husband less than 6 months later!
No one deserves someone like this and it does knock your confidence so what on earth is the point in being with them whatever other redeeming qualities they have. Your other half should tell you you’re wonderful all the time. Get out!!!

Gemma1971 · 08/10/2019 20:45

Yes.. when I was with a healthy, kind normal man, he complimented me regularly.

The idiot you should not have given another second of your life to is not even giving you the bare crumbs of respect, let alone compliments.

DO NOT allow him to brainwash you into thinking this is normal. IT IS NOT.

My horrible ex would say "WOW. My friend has SUCH A GORGEOUS GIRLFRIEND"

Compliment women at parties. Flirt and check to see if I was looking.

Then the negging about MY appearance started. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... took me years to leave.... on and off, on and off... till I could not see bloody straight and wanted a BBL, boob job, facelift, nose job and hair extensions....

FUCK this piece of shit. FUCK his shitty noise. Get rid and no more chances. He has you questioning your own reality!!

Ohyesiam · 08/10/2019 20:48

Relationships are there to enhance your life, they enhance your life by making you feel supported and loved.

This man doesn’t like you, he has no respect for you. You really really don’t need him.
He’ll never agree with you on any of this, but you don’t need him to. Think for yourself, is this what you want? Then walk away while you still can, because believe me it will only get worse.

Your standards are what you make them. If you only want a man who makes you feel a million $ , then hold out for that.
There are plenty of men who aren’t Neanderthal assholes.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 20:48

My husband is my biggest champion. He lets me know every single day how beautiful and special I am to him, not always with words, but through his actions. I am (along with our children) his number one priority, always. If I need him in a time of difficulty or weakness, he is there, without fail. There is not a single thing I hesitate to talk to him about because he is always supportive. He may not necessarily understand how I feel, but he listens and helps me work through what I'm struggling with. He's my best friend. You shouldn't settle for less than that.

Gemma1971 · 08/10/2019 20:50

You say you were with him for years. How long did he behave like this? He probably knows you will forgive him. Surprise him by doing the exact opposite.

TimeforanotherChange · 08/10/2019 20:50

My DH tells me I'm beautiful and he loves me and that he thinks I'm sexy. And genuinely means it. I've let my hair go white, I'm 16 stone and I don't wear makeup. I also can't remember when I last shaved my legs. I'm not any of the things my husband thinks I am but I'm sure not filled myself loathing.I agree with everyone else OP - you can do much better than this nasty man.

MikeUniformMike · 08/10/2019 20:51

Did you ask him how many marks out of ten or did he just tell you without prompting?

TimeforanotherChange · 08/10/2019 20:52

Sorry typo! Filled with self loathing that should say!

lljkk · 08/10/2019 20:53

Am I being out of order to absolutely despair at this?

Well, yes, in a word. YABU.
Because HE IS NOT WORTH IT.
FFS, chuck the guy. He's not nice. You deserve hugely better. Do not stay with the Git. His Arse belongs out the door.

eddielizzard · 08/10/2019 20:53

Yes, my DH and friends compliment me. You're a kind person, and you should surround yourself with kind people.

AhNowTed · 08/10/2019 20:59

He's a c*int and he gets off on making you feel shit about yourself.

Seriously, dump him/

RitmoRatmo · 08/10/2019 21:00

My DP does not give compliments. He rarely says “you look nice” before we go out for instance. That’s just the way he is wired, and he admits that. However, I’m secure in the fact he fancies the pants off me, which he shows by being very physically affectionate to me, tender, caring and doing little loving things for me.
Therefore I’ve learnt to not expect verbal compliments from him but to remind myself his actions do the speaking.

However- your situation is different in that your DP is actively saying unkind things to you, and seems insensitive as to how this makes you feel. That’s just plain cruel and borderline abusive. Don’t let this piece of work do any more damage to your self esteem. Dump him and look forward to a future of feeling better about yourself.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 08/10/2019 21:01

Dump Him!

He's nasty and won't change.

You deserve much better and you will find it after you are free of this jerk.

Original poster
NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 21:02

I stupidly asked him - in the hope that he would tell me I’m pretty.

If I try to hold his hand when we are out he often snatches it away from me.

The only affection he shows is when he wants sex.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/10/2019 21:03

So - why did you take him back? Why do you think you deserve so little?

GoldenBlue · 08/10/2019 21:04

He doesn't seem to like you very much.

You deserve much more.

A DP will make you feel special and loved not undermined and vulnerable.

When someone shows you who they are pay attention, this one has shown you that they are a tool. Run away as fast as you can you lovely lady x