Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unrealistic in my expectations?

154 replies

NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:08

I have been with my boyfriend for years. We split up last month briefly but have now got back together.

We split because of his cold hearted behaviour towards me. This culminated in him saying that looks wise I was a 5 out of ten. This was a devastating blow to my confidence. To hear my own boyfriend basically call me ugly was just horrendous.

We have discussed matters and I told him he needed to stop criticising me and that I felt that I had to beg him for a kind word. He told me that I was asking him to be someone he wasn’t.

So today, he was discussing his best friend’s wife with a mutual friend in front of me. He rated her a 7/10.

Am I being out of order to absolutely despair at this? Like he has plenty of ability to praise his friends wife (he also says she is a brilliant cook whilst criticising my cooking) but can’t even say a single nice thing to me.

I’m not expecting lavish declarations of my brilliance. But he literally does not say anything nice about me. He makes me feel unreasonable when I ask him to be a bit kinder towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewStart571 · 09/10/2019 05:41

I also didn’t have self esteem problems until about a year after we got together.

If he’d asked me a question about his looks I would have been very complimentary about him. He asks me all the time if I like his (frankly underwhelming) penis and I have not once been anything other than nice about it because I know that this could devastate his confidence and want to build him up.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 09/10/2019 05:48

You will never be happy with this man. Face up to that. I think you're looking for validation that he's in the wrong so you can try and persuade him to be better. That's not going to happen.

His opinions are very twisted. Not at all how nice people think. You are all tangled up in his opinions and have lost the ability to think for yourself. Wouldn't it be great to think confidently, "I know I'm a lot better than you give me credit for, so who cares what you think!" Well, the only way that'll happen is if you leave him, and stop listening to him and start being kind to yourself and surround yourself only by people who will be kind to you.

I hope you're not scared of being single. I was single for 6 years recently and it was a great time in my life.

msmith501 · 09/10/2019 06:08

As a rule of thumb, the hugely vast majority of your "encounters" with your partner really should make you feel better at the end of each one than at the beginning - at the very minimum, you shouldn't feel diminished by having contact. There are plenty of men out there who will find you so beautiful that you will literally take their breath away - go and be someone's 11 out of 10 and move on from your partner who is clearly making himself feel better at your expense. Not only is life too short, it's not a dress rehearsal; this is it!

TequilaPilates · 09/10/2019 06:15

He's told you that he can't change so now you have to decide if this is how you want your relationship to be.

Are you willing to put with this or would you like to be in a relationship that makes you feel good?

ShippingNews · 09/10/2019 06:19

I'm 60, overweight , and I've never been a beauty. My DH tells me that I'm beautiful and calls me his princess. This is what normal men do . Build you up, not knock you down . Leave this twat and move on .

Csleeptime · 09/10/2019 06:26

He sounds very immature, rating women, asking about his penis all the time. How old? You need to date a grown up not a teenager.

Original poster
NewStart571 · 09/10/2019 06:33

He’s mid 40s. Never been married or had children.

OP posts:
Elmo311 · 09/10/2019 06:43

.....have you dumped him yet?!
My OH tells me I'm beautiful all the time, I'll catch him looking at me from across the room adoringly and he will tell me that I look gorgeous! This is even without make up :)

The next update needs to be that you've ended things ?

C0untDucku1a · 09/10/2019 06:45

You need to end this relationship and block him. Then youll have all the time in the world to analyse his shitty behaviour.

Original poster
NewStart571 · 09/10/2019 06:51

I haven’t dumped him yet. He doesn’t know I’m thinking that way. I don’t want to tell him yet as he will turn on the charm.

I need to just get my head sorted.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 09/10/2019 06:53

It will be easier to get your head sorted away from him.

ThunderR0ad78 · 09/10/2019 07:06

A true partner wants for you what you want for yourself!
Just end the relationship, no explanation required, it's over - take back your power!!!!

Then sort your head out and recover from the impact of his behaviour. Good luck.

BlameItOnBianca · 09/10/2019 07:09

Please leave this poor excuse for a man. You deserve to be happy, he is not making you happy.

minesagin37 · 09/10/2019 07:12

My DH of 22 years tells me I'm a stunner everyday. Don't put up with that abuse as he will destroy your self confidence.

Gemma1971 · 09/10/2019 07:15

"He’s mid 40s. Never been married or had children."

No bloody wonder. He must think he won the lottery when you took him back.

Kick it to the kerb, then get your head sorted. Mid 40s? If that is your age too, do NOT make the same mistake as me.

God I regret the almost DECADE I allowed a bastard to do to me what this bastard is doing to you.

Shitting on you and then expecting you to love him and shag him.

As another poster said, fuck that noise.

He does not deserve your time or attention - nor an explanation for why you feel it isn't working.

Step back and ask yourself why you tolerate crumbs and abuse from a partner. I did. The answers were interesting. That is the road to getting your head sorted.

And ps, not your job to wonder why does he do that and to help the poor wounded soul with his issues about his penis.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH having been through this, I feel as if I am on a personal mission to save women from this downright monstrous examples of humanity.

Don't waste your life Don't waste your life Don't waste your life Don't waste your life Don't waste your life Don't waste your life Don't waste your life Repeat until it sinks in Don't waste your life Don't waste your life Don't waste your life

Gemma1971 · 09/10/2019 07:16

And read up/youtube gaslighting. Tis the Jedi mind trick he uses on you....

Original poster
NewStart571 · 09/10/2019 07:28

I’m 10 years younger than him.

I asked him how he would feel if I told him that he was the ugliest out of his friends and he said he would not be bothered and asked what difference it would make. So this is why I start to doubt myself.

I do believe I deserve better.

OP posts:
Sunflower20 · 09/10/2019 07:34

WTF are you doing with him?
Before you dump him will you please tell him he's a 1/10 in bed? So angry on your behalf.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 09/10/2019 07:34

As long as you keep engaging with him, you will stay confused. I know, I lived it. To get your head straight, you need to break up with him. And then block him so you're immune to his charm.

Actually, you should be immune to the charm this time. Because presumably he turned it on last time you broke up, and look where you are now. You know it's just fake. You know how he makes you feel. Don't wait to feel brave. Jump into the unknown anyway.

Original poster
NewStart571 · 09/10/2019 07:36

Also he doesn’t directly say that I’m the ugliest. So it’s like the video that @Gemma1971 posted - it’s death by 1000 cuts by stealth.

When I call him on this he denies that it was his intention to hurt me.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 09/10/2019 07:36

I made a list to remind me of his shit.

Some examples:

Never held my hand in public. Took it briefly on arrival. Then dropped. Only put arm around me at night in very quiet places or streets. Back to busy places, arm away.

Told me I should be lucky that someone loves me at my age.

Body criticisms. Getting fat, veins etc. Saying when I was younger my breasts were better and putting his hand high up my chest. Said Why aren't your breasts up here (lifting a breast up my neck) like other women ?” "Why don't you get bum implants?"

First couple of weeks together, turned and followed another woman for a few paces up the street and said “Beautiful skin”... Denied it immediately afterwards.

Called me a slut regarding FB because of male friends.

And I STILL went back and I caused damage to my career that may be irreparable because of his abuse.

Don't be a me...

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2019 07:37

Doesn't sound like you have any intention of ending this op. I think you need to try to understand why you're staying in a relationship where someone treats you so badly.

Roussette · 09/10/2019 07:44

I wouldn't be with anyone who rated woman with marks out of 10. Pathetic.

.

Gemma1971 · 09/10/2019 07:45

Bluntness, it is hard because narcs abuse their targets by subtle brainwashing. OP needs to look at trauma bonding (Stockholm syndrome). At some point she will have her last straw and see him for the ugly monster that he truly is. That could be tomorrow.... today... or sadly, like me, years away.... took me too long to jump off that merry go round of trying to figure out an absolute fucking twat.

Your "man" is a twat. I sincerely hope you see that. I am off to the Freedom Program this morning. Check it out and keep YouTubing. I hope you see the light is in YOU, and he is filled with darkness and wants to suck you dry.

You are in your thirties? Fuck this shit with knobs on top!!!! LEAVE!!!! How long have you got to have children.... I missed the boat due to ex twat face... don't be a me, don't.... and for God's sake don't have a child with this monster.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 09/10/2019 07:55

Death by a thousand cuts - that it is. You see, you realise the harm he's doing to you.

Now you have to realise he will never see it. In fact, he likes things the way they are. It suits him. It's sad, but you can't change him. You can only protect yourself.