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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unrealistic in my expectations?

154 replies

NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:08

I have been with my boyfriend for years. We split up last month briefly but have now got back together.

We split because of his cold hearted behaviour towards me. This culminated in him saying that looks wise I was a 5 out of ten. This was a devastating blow to my confidence. To hear my own boyfriend basically call me ugly was just horrendous.

We have discussed matters and I told him he needed to stop criticising me and that I felt that I had to beg him for a kind word. He told me that I was asking him to be someone he wasn’t.

So today, he was discussing his best friend’s wife with a mutual friend in front of me. He rated her a 7/10.

Am I being out of order to absolutely despair at this? Like he has plenty of ability to praise his friends wife (he also says she is a brilliant cook whilst criticising my cooking) but can’t even say a single nice thing to me.

I’m not expecting lavish declarations of my brilliance. But he literally does not say anything nice about me. He makes me feel unreasonable when I ask him to be a bit kinder towards me.

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 08/10/2019 22:00
msbrightside · 08/10/2019 22:01

This isn't about you at all, only about him. Please try and really see that clearly, you have done nothing wrong and don't let him or anyone else shame you into thinking you deserve this or are being too sensitive

I'm recently out of a very similar situation - no compliments ever, and when I brought it up I was then ridiculed and it became a running joke amongst his friends (that I had to laugh along with...) 🤦‍♀️

This is a sinister form of controlling abuse in the sense of being hurt and then humiliated over your own reaction...who does that to someone you profess to care for?

I can get many compliments any time of day, and his refusal was his problem and very deliberately hurtful

Walk away and love yourself hard x

Gemma1971 · 08/10/2019 22:03
Interestedwoman · 08/10/2019 22:06

OMG what a wanker OP.

The nicest boyfriend I had (it was my choice to leave him for other reasons) showered me with compliments. If another bloke I'm seeing doesn't, I think it's weird. A person's OH should be their biggest fan and cheerleader! They should encourage you in everyway- even if someone cocks up (not that you have) their OH should just encourage them to pick themselves up and try again.

NO WAY should he be rating you poorly and no way should he be rating anyone else higher, or even rating them at all, especially in front of you.

LTB

Cheerleading you OP xx
'WANKER WANKER WANKER-OUT OUT OUT!'

chinam · 08/10/2019 22:06

Why in God's name did you take this tool back? Seriously, what did he do/say to convince you to give him another chance?

Kahlua4me · 08/10/2019 22:22

You do not need to be with someone who treats you like he does. You deserve more and should not have to ask your partner to be nicer to you.

Please do think about leaving him, moving on and finding someone who deserves you and makes you loved.

Janus · 08/10/2019 22:22

He doesn’t say he loves you? Ah yes, my idiot ex would say something like ‘you know how I feel’. No, I don’t, but god don’t ask him, you should NEVER have to ask, he should tell you without any prompting because that’s what a HEALTHY relationship is.
Honestly, I know it’s scary but you will feel so much better without this twat.

JenniferM1989 · 08/10/2019 22:56

Nope, not one bit. Don't accept this OP. You deserve to be told you are a 10/10 (although rating people is totally childish).

I bet if you dumped this idiot, you'd find someone that would give you what you deserve.

Alexa32 · 08/10/2019 23:03

I been married 10 years to my dh. We have been our up and downs but more downs. He never tel4ls me love u or a nice word... More like I'm too fat.. Go for nose job boobs job but more more hurt I got from him. After my son born I was taking him to parks just to get away from home... I met with a man and he was do understanding and perfect and told me things I never heart from my dh. Started an affair with him. My dh clearly explained before if I cheat I will be dead. And my son will go with him forever. I would never cheat before if I would feel comfortable and happy... But I was depressed and sad all the time with low self esteem. The other man become my bf he put life in me. It's going on 2 ys now. I'm pregnant of 37 weeks I don't know if my dh or my bf is the daddy. And now my bf wants to be everything to my dh. Now 3 weeks from my due date... No idea wat to do. He would kill me or I loose my son and the baby. My bf wants me to move in with him with my boy and the baby when she born.... Wat to do 😢😢

RaininSummer · 08/10/2019 23:09

He is a 1/10 if that. 'Handsome is as handsome does' is what my wise old Nan used to say. Get rid of him.

JenniferM1989 · 08/10/2019 23:55

Alexa32, I think you need to leave your husband and move in with your boyfriend or leave your husband and be single. Get a DNA test done on the baby once it's born. Use mediation to sort out contact between your children and your husband (if both are his) or just for your eldest if the younger one is your boyfriends.

It sounds like you are in a domestically abusive situation where he makes death threats so you need to be very careful here. Wait until your husband is at work then pack you and your childs things and go. Everything can be sorted later through mediation or solicitors. He will NOT get full custody so don't let him manipulate you like that

Gemma1971 · 08/10/2019 23:59

Alexa32 it might be better to start your own thread?

Lozzerbmc · 09/10/2019 00:40

He rates you 5 out of 10, someone else 7 out of 10, doesnt love you and doesnt compliment you... i think you know the answer... hes a 10 out of 10 idiot..you should end it

FetchezLaVache · 09/10/2019 00:55

Who the fuck is this man who thinks he's the sole arbiter of how attractive women are? I assume he's some kind of Adonis?

He fills you with self loathing, gives you no affection (unless he wants a shag) and the random people you work with have more genuine love for you than he does. Why do you stay? What could possibly be worse than years more of this shit?

Heartofglass12345 · 09/10/2019 01:14

I can't believe you are allowing him to treat you like this and make you feel like you are. You deserve better. Leave him, block his number and find someone who thinks you are beautiful. Or better still, be happy on your own for a while and realise you are better off single than with him.

Heartofglass12345 · 09/10/2019 01:16

Oh and I would tell his best friend he's been perving over his wife and rating her looks too

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2019 02:23

He knew saying that would hurt you. That's WHY he said it. He gets a kick out if causing you emotional pain. Like others have said - narcissist.

Get rid. Properly this time.

Monty27 · 09/10/2019 02:32

You should bin him off and find someone who appreciates you.

Designerenvy · 09/10/2019 03:28

Why is he rating women out of 10 ? How degrading and sexist!
I know I'm not beautiful but my dh tells me I am. He must think I am and that boosts my confidence and makes me love him more.
You deserve to be complimented for all you are and deserve to be treated with respect.

PhilCornwall1 · 09/10/2019 04:04

Well, apart from rating women on a scale of 10 is immature and something that's probably done in the school playground, it goes deeper than that here I think.

He's making you feel awful and no partner should do that. To me there is no better woman than my wife and never will be and I tell her that, not because I should but because I want to.

if I judged her on a scale of 10, I'd expect her to kick me between the legs. But for the record, she's a perfect 10 to me.

rvby · 09/10/2019 04:27

Gosh op. This is a heartbreaking thread.

Fwiw and i almost feel bad writing this...My dp is so complimentary of me that it's almost annoying sometimes. He is constantly gooey and going on about how wonderful I am.

My exdh was a bit of an arsehole and even he told me he loved me and said I was beautiful every so often.

What you're experiencing isnt normal and you dont have to accept this. Your bf is horrible. If he doesn't think you're wonderful he should let you go, I guarantee you there is someone out there who will adore and cherish you.

I'm so sorry hes made you feel this way. You sound so so lovely. You deserve better.

Mummaofmytribe · 09/10/2019 04:35

He's cruel. He's a bully who gets a kick out of trying to diminish you. Get rid of him. He wants you in a position where you're so worn down and lacking in confidence that he can get away with anything he likes because you'll just take it like a whipped puppy. Get out. You do not deserve to be abused. He's awful.
alexa your situation sounds dire. Start your own thread. You need to be getting out too love!
God these MEN. Ugh

lexiepuppy · 09/10/2019 05:04

I had the complete mindfuckery of a narcissist telling me I was beautiful and he moved me one minute, to criticising me and calling me fat, stupid, ugly and lazy the next minute.
He would compare me to other women/ other people's wife's and he would always run off in a room of people and chat up the prettiest woman to triangulate me with.
He once kissed me and told me after that he had imagined I was my friend, when i became upset he said it was just a joke. It wasn't. He obsessed over my friend.
He is a narcissistic arsehole, I didn't know about his behaviour then, but I could write books on it now.
He destroyed myself esteem and I am unable to see my value as a person no matter how many books I read, courses I do, videos I watch. My default setting goes back to hating myself and my looks.

Check out the Freedom Programme/Triple R.
Please don't end up like me.Flowers

Original poster
NewStart571 · 09/10/2019 05:31

@Gemma1971 thanks so much. Yes when I posted my thread in September we weren’t together.

He always manages to make me feel like I am behaving unreasonably. When I said to him that I felt he was deliberately trying to ruin my self esteem he was shocked and said that he had no reason to do that.

OP posts:
Teacher22 · 09/10/2019 05:36

OP, all people do NOT behave like this. Your P is doing it deliberately to hurt you. Run!