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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unrealistic in my expectations?

154 replies

NewStart571 · 08/10/2019 20:08

I have been with my boyfriend for years. We split up last month briefly but have now got back together.

We split because of his cold hearted behaviour towards me. This culminated in him saying that looks wise I was a 5 out of ten. This was a devastating blow to my confidence. To hear my own boyfriend basically call me ugly was just horrendous.

We have discussed matters and I told him he needed to stop criticising me and that I felt that I had to beg him for a kind word. He told me that I was asking him to be someone he wasn’t.

So today, he was discussing his best friend’s wife with a mutual friend in front of me. He rated her a 7/10.

Am I being out of order to absolutely despair at this? Like he has plenty of ability to praise his friends wife (he also says she is a brilliant cook whilst criticising my cooking) but can’t even say a single nice thing to me.

I’m not expecting lavish declarations of my brilliance. But he literally does not say anything nice about me. He makes me feel unreasonable when I ask him to be a bit kinder towards me.

OP posts:
msbrightside · 09/10/2019 08:13

OP he will never fess up or agree with how you see things EVER
This is why it's difficult to leave, there will be no closure - you have to do this purely for yourself and that's the hardest bit when you've been ground down over time

I think you know what to do, and you'll get there
Sending hugs
X

Gemma1971 · 09/10/2019 08:22

If it's so hard, make a list of the pluses and the negatives.

My negatives far outweighed the pluses. So badly in fact, that my best friend thought I had had a breakdown or something had been done to me to make me keep going back to him.

I just saw a document I wrote in 2015 vowing never to go back after he never supported me through a miscarriage at 10 weeks... or after cancer surgery. And yet I did... Why? Fuck knows? Lonely.. live alone, no other decent potential partners? Still no excuse... Nope, because they are clever fuckers who ALWAYS make it your fault and gaslight you so badly you could power the national fucking grid some days.

Trauma bonding. I lost good years to this man. Good clients and business down the pan. I have had many successes since, but those losses sting like fuck, because I was conned at the time and sacrificed to be with him. A trauma bond is very strong.

It is not love. It is a manipulation-ship.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/10/2019 08:44

Slowly, I feel like my self esteem has been eroded
That’s because HE has eroded your self-esteem. It’s intentional you know? It’s called abuse!
I think he might have done a number on me
Halleluiah! Your proper lightbulb moment is just around the corner
That I am crazy and irrational
All abusers use this line!
He always seems to convince me that I am being unreasonable
Ahhhh.. and gaslighting abuse
He’s mid 40s. Never been married or had children
Wow – what a surprise! NOT!!!

You know what to do OP.
Stop listening to his bullshit and dump his sorry arse!!!

HandbagCrazy · 09/10/2019 08:52

You're asking him questions based on the assumption that he's decent, honest and kind even though he has consistently shown himself to be none of those things.

To answer the original question - my DH doesn't always tell me I'm pretty / beautiful. He's a man of few words however, he definitely doesn't criticise me! He is supportive and if I told him I was having a wobble he would be nice.

Take a step back and ask exactly what you get from this relationship now? He doesn't show you love or affection, he doesn't support you, he is telling you directly he won't ever change and won't be meeting your needs in future. If you don't leave, you're going to be asking these same questions in 10 years.
Do you want this to be your life?

FWIW my advice would be to make a practical plan. End the relationship, tell your friends and family you have done so and block him on every way he can contact you. Some no contact time (which you should spend with supportive friends) will give you the distance to see this guy is a waste of your time.

Cecilandsnail · 09/10/2019 08:53

Dig deep and find some inner strength from the tattered remains that he has left you with to please please dump this prick. And do drop into 'the chat' that one of the reasons is his the sex is crap and to be honest his penis just isn't adequate. Then refuse to elaborate any more. I wouldn't normally advocate being spiteful but fuck it, sounds likentouvr been on the receiving end of spite and abuse for quite some time.

Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 08:58

DH tried this x/10 malarky on me initially (cooking not looks) so I stopped cooking anything for him. A few months of him seeing me eat lovely food while he had to rustle himself up a quick meal after work taught him to appreciate me a lot more. But that was just my cooking. Your bf is just being shit to you all round - you need to dump him

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/10/2019 09:02

I suspect he is under confident himself-especially as he is a decade older than you-hence asking about the great job his penis does, so puts you down to make himself feel better.

FUCK THAT SHIT!
He can do one-that is not how you make yourself feel better, and certainly is not making you feel good. Sort yourself out and dump his sorry arse.Flowers

Bananalanacake · 09/10/2019 09:06

you don't live together so it's much easier to dump his ass

Tooner · 09/10/2019 09:06

Come on OP, you know the score here. He is simply using you for sex and to get a sick kick out of knowing he can treat you like a piece of meat and you will just hang around taking it.

You sound like such a lovely person and you deserve to be with a loving partner who cherishes you for what you are.

Please find the strength and self belief to get rid of this cockroach once and for all.

seeingdouble2 · 09/10/2019 09:13

Kick him to the kerb,
You are worth more than him Grin

GrumpiestCat · 09/10/2019 09:15

You can do better. I'm completely bloody average with a big nose and my partner tells me I'm gorgeous all the time. You sound taken for granted. He sounds cold.

FetchezLaVache · 09/10/2019 09:32

From your posts, you are clearly a very kind, considerate, decent person. You're working on the assumption he is fundamentally decent too. And he's not.

He'll tie you up in knots and have you doubting yourself even more if you try to engage in him as you would a decent person. So, don't. Take back the power. You don't owe him an exit interview. Just rehearse a few lines like "This isn't working for me any more", "I'm sorry you feel that way, but my mind's made up and there's nothing to discuss", "I'll drop your stuff round at your mum's one night next week", etc etc, and just repeat.

Original poster
NewStart571 · 09/10/2019 12:32

I asked him just now if he thought his behaviour yesterday was kind given how upset he knew I was about him rating me as a 5/10.

He said he thought it was fine. See this is where I start to doubt myself. It’s not fine is it to behave that way? It’s really not.

I fucking know it’s not so why is he even trying to pull this shit on me?

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 09/10/2019 12:38

The first mistake you make is trying to understand him.

The second is trying to make him understand you.

The third is wasting time analysing him.

GoldenBlue · 09/10/2019 12:40

He's trying to pull that shit because it's worked before.

Don't let it work this time.

It was not fine.

He knows it was not fine.

He knows you know it was not fine.

But if he can make you accept it was fine then he wins in his ability to train you into submission and vulnerability.

The answer is only a complete wanker would think it was fine. If you think it was fine then good bye, and do not contact me again.

Original poster
NewStart571 · 09/10/2019 12:42

You’re totally right.

I’m banging my head against a brick wall and that brick wall is filled with spikes.

OP posts:
minmooch · 09/10/2019 12:48

No it's not fine. It's so remotely horrible I don't understand how you can't see it

Your partner is supposed to love you, be able to say this/show this. Treat you with respect, kindness. Your partner does none of this.

You really need to understand and accept that this is not right, kind or respectful. You deserve so much more. But you need to accept that he will not give you any of this. There is no point trying to make him see it - he just won't. It is time to get rid of him for once and all. Your self esteem will shoot much higher with this cock out of your life.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/10/2019 12:50

I fucking know it’s not so why is he even trying to pull this shit on me?
Because you have allowed it for way too long.
He's had no consequences for behaving this way.
You let him get away with it.
Why would he change?
So far it's worked for him.
You have low self-esteem.
You are questioning yourself all the time.
Of course he will carry on.
So end it.
Stop allowing this scumbag to do this to you.

sallievp · 09/10/2019 12:51

this is not a normal way for a loving partner to behave...
You deserve sooooo much better than someone who tells you you are 5/10!!
You need to raise your standards and fast.

minmooch · 09/10/2019 12:53

He will never say oh yes what I said was horrid, or abusive or unkind or xxxxx otherwise he could not pull that shit again. And he will pull that shit again.

Honestly he sounds horrible and with an underwhelming penis I can't really see why he's worth the upset?

Please value yourself higher.

lovelygreenjumper · 09/10/2019 13:04

he didn’t think I was the best woman in the world.

To me this says all you need to know. The right man will think you ARE the best woman in the world, even when he knows all your flaws/quirks etc.

You are like I was 20 years ago. Like my ex, he is trying to make you think you are not worth much and has you doubting yourself about how reasonable it is that he puts you down. If I ever questioned how he treated me compared to his friends treated their GFs he told me that we were 'not that kind of couple'.

My ex broke up with me several times (always around what should have been a happy time eg. Xmas, birthday, holiday) then before I had time to get over it and realise I was better off without he would make an emotional appeal about how he couldn't manage without me etc (I realise after the event always focused on what he wanted/needed, not who I was). Each time I took him back he treated me well for a few weeks then even worse than before. Towards the end he frequently made comments about how unattractive/boring etc I was in front of our friends and if they pulled him up on it said it was 'banter'.

I bet this sounds familiar. What I realised eventually (with a bit of help from good friends) was that he was trying to make me feel bad about myself so that he could be sure I would be grateful for his being with me on whatever terms he chose.

Please learn from my mistakes and dump him before you waste any more time with this loser

Katela18 · 09/10/2019 13:07

Hi OP,

I've been in a situation similar to yours, and I really empathise with you. It's really hard to balance what you believe is right and questioning yourself because he is telling you something different.

He clearly doesn't believe he needs to change his ways, so you have to realise you deserve far more.

I am now in a happy, open, honest and loving relationship. My partner does tell me i'm beautiful and reassures me when I feel low without making it out to be 'needing validation'. Likewise, I do the same for him, I could never bare to see him hurt because of something I said. I met him a year after leaving the situation similar to yours and in between I worked on myself and building my confidence back up.

There is someone out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve, and maybe one day this guy will realise what he lost!

Wish you the best

5LeafClover · 09/10/2019 13:19

Flowers Time for a rating game of your own, I think.

First question, what is the minimum rating score for basic kindness that you will accept in a relationship? Eg 5/10 behaviour is kind half of the time, 8/10 most of the time, 10/10 all of the time. Choose a number (9 or 10 are good ones) but keep it secret.

Second question what rating would you give your current partner? Fwiw, he sounds like a 2 to me, but maybe he was nice once when he wanted something so that goes up to a 3.

Once you've decided on your partner's number check if its too low for you. If it is don't waste a second more, just dump him asap.

Since he enjoys rating games himself, don't forget to tell him why.

Pinkbonbon · 09/10/2019 13:35

Totally agree with pp about kindness. But rather 'how much of the time' I would score them as - in general. Or perhaps even kindness to everyone and a separate one for kindness to you. If there in an imbalance there, eg: they treat most other people nicely, but you, less so - leave.

And if they score less than a 6/10 (bare friggin minimum) on the general 'kindness' or 'being a good human being' scale - again, leave. You use the way they talk to and about others, how their actions match their words and there general aura (eg: not a grumpy/nagging git) to judge.

SallyWD · 09/10/2019 14:01

My ex was like this. After a while I couldn't name one thing he liked about me. My DH has often said positive and kind things about me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't appreciate me.