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Original poster

She used to finish with me all the time - so I took control and she flipped

128 replies

Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 07:43

So I am 50 (M) own my own house have 2 Boys (1 x 19) lives with me and a 15y (M) dual custody - Relationship would of been 7 years this month - I have faced the make up break cycle for the last 7 years ( I never knew about this cycle until now) The last time was recently when she said it was over again - and then asked me the following day if I wanted her to stay the night - I said do what you want- I had reached my tipping point - I felt numb inside - Now looking back I can see the damage the make up break up cycle does in a relationship - you go up and down the scale -
My GF had been living with me in the house for the last year and paid no rent no money towards bills - my fault I know - Our wages are so different that I could afford to do this -

The crunch came was when she asked me - "What happens if you die?" out of the blue - Possibly becuase a married friend of hers with children the husband passed away at an early age. This got her thinking.
I was numb when she asked all I could answer was the truth - I have a will and the house goes to my boys - "well what about me was the answer?" I seriously could not answer it as I was so stuck down-
I tried in vain to find my own solution to keep her happy give her the security she needed - (BTW she has no assets - is now back at her mum and dads and does not pay rent there either)

I was asked several times again - what happens if you die - I still had no answer - only later did I come up with a solution which would of been extra life insurance to help her move or buy a place if I died.

It reached a point after she stayed away two nights that I packed all her stuff up and took it back to her Mum and Dads - her mum was cool and understood. I then emailed her to tell her that as you had broken up with me and I was going away on business for over a month. I have moved your stuff back to your mums...

You can imagine the voicemails I got -

Since then we have been back in communication and I do love the good bits of us - However the main question I want to ask is

Security? It means something different for me becuase of my childhood and I will protect my children first. This was part of the reason I moved her stuff out - as I really did not want my 19 yr old have to face being with her whilst away.

Am I being unreasonable in what I did?

I know she had some money saved for a flat once and spent it partying or the excuse I got was she lent it to an ex and he never re paid her - I dont know what to believe about it this one now as I only found this out from her mum?

So I am confused?

If we did get back together she is saying she wants to get married now?

I would only do this with a pre nup now?

Or should I just walk away and think as much as I still love her - I have to protect my children and my own mental health-

OP posts:
TheJoxter · 08/10/2019 07:47

Presumably she wants to get married in the hopes that it’ll give her a claim on your house and money if you die? She sounds hard work, do yourself a huge favour and don’t get back together with her.

QueenofallIsee · 08/10/2019 07:47

Errrrm, I think you know the answer already! This woman is out for what she can get from you and your relationship is a toxic mess. Please finish it, once and for all!

Original poster
Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 07:48

The part about her having money for a flat - I was told by the GF that she had lent the money to an EX - it was her Mum that told me she spent all her money partying - (I was always told that dont mention this to my mum that I lent XX this money as she doesnt know) Red Flag maybe?

OP posts:
UterusUterusGhali · 08/10/2019 07:49

Walk away.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 08/10/2019 07:50

How old is she?
She sounds very immature.
I would move on. Enjoy life without a drama queen upsetting it all the time.

Cath2907 · 08/10/2019 07:51

She is using you I’m sorry. Do not get back together and definitely don’t get married. Pre-nups are not cast iron!

Find someone who loves you for you and doesn’t want your money!

HRH2020 · 08/10/2019 07:51

She sounds like a cock lodger

Original poster
Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 07:53

Thanks for the replies - as much as even her close family have said to me she is High Maintenance - i did nt really see it being that bad?

Yes her previous relationship was toxix and so was hers - we started off ok...... then its been this rollercoaster ride -

I guess if she loved me she would of found her own secuirty and not always look for it from someone else - is she wanting the lifestyle and house that I have provided for myself and my children?

I do get that if you truly love someone you would want them to be secure - the up down cycle has had such an affect on me - it left me numb to really know what to think anymore

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 08/10/2019 07:53

What's the female term for a Cocklodger? A Fannylodger? Sounds like she's one of them. Contributes nothing and expects the partner to provide a home.

acatcalledjohn · 08/10/2019 07:53

She doesn't love you, she loves the money/assets/lifestyle you offer.

Focus on your kids instead of her.

Chocolate123 · 08/10/2019 07:54

Walk away she's only interested in your money. You deserve better

Bananalanacake · 08/10/2019 07:54

why are you wasting time with a sponger. she doesn't pay her way. does she work.

Original poster
Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 07:54

She is 50 same age --

OP posts:
Jemmy360 · 08/10/2019 07:55

This relationship is no good for you. She is manipulating you by keeping you dancing to her tune. I think you know somehow that this relationship isn't right, as you say you wanted to protect your 19 yr old from having to deal with her. If you truly saw her as their step mum you would not feel like this.
She is out of your house now , I think you need her out of your life as well.
It sounds like she wants security (asking about your will) but does nothing to achieve that for herself. She pays no bills and has no savings.

She expects her parents ( formerly you) to subsidize her life. She is showing you who she is, believe her. Good luck.

Clangus00 · 08/10/2019 07:55

She’s completely using you and will take you for every penny you’ve got.
Stick to your guns and end this nonsense once and for all.
Good luck.

Original poster
Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 07:55

Yes she works -

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 08/10/2019 07:56

Lucky escape.
Well
Done for putting your kids first.

Moondust001 · 08/10/2019 07:56

I'm sorry - she's a gold-digger and you should end it for good. She brought nothing to the relationship, and she is putting nothing into it, but she wants your estate when you die? Yes, you should protect your children, but you should protect yourself. She is really bad news.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 08/10/2019 07:56

Cocklodging without shame. Bin her off and move on!

Any gown adult woman should be able to provide for herself and not be whining and griping to a man about how she will cope if he dies. You have no responsibility to care for her like a child, even if she is acting like one!

Loopytiles · 08/10/2019 07:57

Your mistake was getting back together the first, third or fifth time.

MonsteraCheeseplant · 08/10/2019 07:58

She's taking you for a ride my love. You made the right decision, don't look back. You should even block her number as she's not giving up on her meal ticket.

MrsMozartMkII · 08/10/2019 08:01

Life does not have to be this complicated. Do you really want the rest of your life to be this sort of rollercoaster?

madcatsazz · 08/10/2019 08:01

Jason it sounds as though you have been very worn down over the years to the point where you're no longer making normal decisions. It is not normal for partners to keep leaving when there is a problem. It is abusive and immature and a sign that they are unable to behave like an adult. Normal couples find ways to discuss and resolve big issues or even shelve the issue for a while until solutions can be found. It is not your sole responsibility to come up with her future security. That is a discussion for long term partners to consider together. What is she doing about her own future? She pays you nothing so why can't she start investing in her own future? Why can't she contribute to the house?

You have two sons and deep down you recognise this woman is not behaving well. There are other people out there for you Jason. I urge you to keep hold of your money and do not marry this woman until/unless you are sure of both your reasons. And for what it's worth, I don't think you ever will be.

Original poster
Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 08:02

I had blocked her on everything - then using my works phone abroad we started chatting on Whats app - The push pull cycle is evident -

Thanks for all the replies - I know I am only talking about the "Bad" of our relationship -

Yes for once I had to put my eldest first as he does not deserve any drama and is doing so well at Uni -

Anyway thanks again - its just good to share this I guess as I dont discuss it with anyone else -

OP posts:
Teedeepie · 08/10/2019 08:06

OP I think you know the right thing is to walk away and never look back. It is never a good idea to stay because some of the good outweighs lots of the bad.

Any woman that doesn’t understand your commitment to making sure your children are taken care of in the event of your death is not worth a minute of your time.

I would even go as far to say that even if you stayed together and she outwardly accepted your intentions in your will I bet it would be a different story after your death and she would fight your boys tooth and nail to get at any inheritance left behind. No way would I want them to have to deal with that or her if they were mine.

I can’t believe you would consider marriage even with a pre nup!!!! She sounds like an immature, self centred, nasty person who thinks of herself and herself only.

So called love shouldn’t be this hard nor have conditions when it comes to your children (albeit young adults) and their future.

You know what to do. Good Luck