She used to finish with me all the time - so I took control and she flipped

[Jasonmd]

So I am 50 (M) own my own house have 2 Boys (1 x 19) lives with me and a 15y (M) dual custody - Relationship would of been 7 years this month - I have faced the make up break cycle for the last 7 years ( I never knew about this cycle until now) The last time was recently when she said it was over again - and then asked me the following day if I wanted her to stay the night - I said do what you want- I had reached my tipping point - I felt numb inside - Now looking back I can see the damage the make up break up cycle does in a relationship - you go up and down the scale -
My GF had been living with me in the house for the last year and paid no rent no money towards bills - my fault I know - Our wages are so different that I could afford to do this -

The crunch came was when she asked me - "What happens if you die?" out of the blue - Possibly becuase a married friend of hers with children the husband passed away at an early age. This got her thinking.
I was numb when she asked all I could answer was the truth - I have a will and the house goes to my boys - "well what about me was the answer?" I seriously could not answer it as I was so stuck down-
I tried in vain to find my own solution to keep her happy give her the security she needed - (BTW she has no assets - is now back at her mum and dads and does not pay rent there either)

I was asked several times again - what happens if you die - I still had no answer - only later did I come up with a solution which would of been extra life insurance to help her move or buy a place if I died.

It reached a point after she stayed away two nights that I packed all her stuff up and took it back to her Mum and Dads - her mum was cool and understood. I then emailed her to tell her that as you had broken up with me and I was going away on business for over a month. I have moved your stuff back to your mums...

You can imagine the voicemails I got -

Since then we have been back in communication and I do love the good bits of us - However the main question I want to ask is

Security? It means something different for me becuase of my childhood and I will protect my children first. This was part of the reason I moved her stuff out - as I really did not want my 19 yr old have to face being with her whilst away.

Am I being unreasonable in what I did?

I know she had some money saved for a flat once and spent it partying or the excuse I got was she lent it to an ex and he never re paid her - I dont know what to believe about it this one now as I only found this out from her mum?

So I am confused?

If we did get back together she is saying she wants to get married now?

I would only do this with a pre nup now?

Or should I just walk away and think as much as I still love her - I have to protect my children and my own mental health-

So, her story is that she 'gave' her savings to her ex? If that were true, it would just go to show how bad she is with money - most women would be sueing for the return of a substantial amount. And spending it all on partying is pretty sad for someone past their twenties - so either of these excuses just show her as someone you shouldn't be involved with!

I am always amazed that some people can get to 50 yo without even starting to grow up.
Sometimes no woman is better than any woman at all,
Walk away OP! You really sound like you deserve better.

I can only guess she wanted security - of some sort - to be looked after by me?

Yet on the other hand I got told I am not after your money?

So how does security not involve money?

Your spot on - no emotional bond with the two boys over 7 years

She would never go on holiday as a family - and told me so - so I had to do double holidays all the time

Got upset when she was never asked if she wanted to come to Thailand when I took my son there training Muay Thai

Errr well you said you would never come on holiday so why should I ask...

Crazy when I look back - luckily I did not stop putting the boys first a lot of the time as it was at a key age of there life - Before 12

A stepmother in our area kicked her stepchildren out when they were around 18/19. One was homeless and classed as a vulnerable adult until the council got him emergency supported housing. Their father had supposedly provided for them in his will before he died and wanted his second wife to have some security. It was their mother's parents house originally and apparently it will go to them after their stepmother dies or if she moves out. I don't think he ever thought she'd kick them out of their own home.

Thinking about OP you are in my position

I own my house, dp moved in I have kids.

He woildnt ever dream of thinking he come first.

As it stands we have joint life insurance. He wanted it for me to ensure me and the kids were ok and I could take time to deal with it all

I wanted him to have it for the same reason and so he could get himself somewhere and have time to deal with it. Even though I earn alot and would be fine without him.

He didnt even want to get anything. He wanted my life insurance to go the kids. But they have lots coming if i die. A house and excellent death in service payment.

He wanted me looked and the kids looked after, more than himself.

Oh and me and dp have agreed to not get married and had legal paperwork to ensure my kids will get what I want them to have.

She wants to get married to get her claws into your house. She’s like a cuckoo trying to steal your nest. Be glad you’ve got her out and don’t look back.

Put your children first. I would.

I would only do this with a pre nup now?

You really thought about marrying her?

Yet another middle aged thread with people acting like teenagers. My head can't take it.

Tell her to fuck off OP, find another person who is a grown up

You need to finish with her for the sake of your boys.

Not just their financial security in the future, but their right to live without all this unpredictable drama from a selfish person who walks in and out of their home and their lives and doesn't care about them.

Hesafriendfromwork

Great to see that you have actually meet someone that has not only wanting the best for you but for your children as well -

We could of done something similar had discussions like this taken place before moving in -

But we didnt and now I see that it was only about her -

Had she had an emotional bond with the boys I could see a different story but you do hear and people have already written in this thread the horror stories of when it goes wrong. (MyShinyWhiteTeeth )

Sorry not willing to take that chance

Thanks for tkaing the time to write on this thread - to everyone its meant a lot -

I'm sure there were good sides to the relationship but she wants to take away the house from your children.
She doesn't want to spend holidays with you all.
She finishes with you on a whim.

Block on all platforms

Sorry not willing to take that chance

You are absolutely right to. Her motivation is totally different.

Dps priority is always me and my kids. That's the difference.

Money aside, she is not treating you well as a loving partner. She’s all about the drama, the need to be pursued. She wants you to constantly fight for her which isn’t good for your health. Revels in the honeymoon period, then when life settles into a normal state, has to create more drama to feed her ego.

Re: money side, I came up with the term ‘womb-ie roomie’ (instead of cock lodger) but I don’t see it catching on...

We dont know IF she would of done that - but its not worth taking the risk - I have seen the "Not so nice side of the relationsip" and there is no way the youngest even as classed as an Adult could deal with that and I would not put him in that position. As much as when I told her I didnt want him having to deal with her moving out as I would of been away on business - its just not right ..... We still have to protect them even at that age -

Yes it was usually over something I said or the manner I said it was enough for the teddies to come out the pram...

Or you never change - your life evolves around the boys - errr if it had we would of never gone away on holiday - weekend breaks or ever done anything --- so it was a hurt lash out for something else...

She admitted to being selfish and just wanting me -

She should of stuck to her guns about NOT ating someone with children then - but we did.... I often think that maybe - there is kind of person that does know what they are doing and purposely dates Men with children?

As they know how to get out of it -

Anyway thanks again for writing on the thread

Do you remember the "Oxo Mum" actress Lynda Bellingham? Allegedly her 2nd husband promised to "look after the boys" but thats not what happened - he used a big chunk of the money to look like a big "I am" in his home town.

She sounds like a similar type, the money would go on "partying" not your boys' future.

I never knew that - so it happens both ways - money does strange things to people for sure - Not going to risk it -

I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders today - thanks to everyone -

Well done and don't take her back again. She's a gold digging mentalist. Being single is preferable.

Re: money side, I came up with the term ‘womb-ie roomie’ (instead of cock lodger) but I don’t see it catching on...

Uter-looter?

Uter-looter....yes that's the one!

womb - ie - roomie somehow just does not cut the mustard but it made me chuckle anyway - thanks for trying -

Yes maybe that is better - uter - looter --

Ok I am on a massive time zone difference from the UK at present so I will answer any more questions or say thankyou to any more people that have taken the time to write something - tomorrow on the 9th October

I really feel for you. I have a partner similar to yours and it makes you feel really low knowing they don’t actually love you and that they are in the relationship for what they get out of not what they put in. Find someone who is your equal and enjoy having a proper partnership. Your current girlfriend sounds like a grumpy teenager. Your kids will probably breathe a sigh of relief when she goes

They did -

The eldest saying he had no more feelings for her now than we first meet and I have raised them to be great around people -

As a child physcologist once said - Kids have a built in trust system a lot of the time and you generally have to believe what they say and how they are allowed to feel.....

So why are you still with your partner if you are feeling the same?

It will slowly destroy everything you thought was right?

Yes grumpy spoilt teenager -

Yes buzz! Uter-looter IS much better!