Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She used to finish with me all the time - so I took control and she flipped

128 replies

Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 07:43

So I am 50 (M) own my own house have 2 Boys (1 x 19) lives with me and a 15y (M) dual custody - Relationship would of been 7 years this month - I have faced the make up break cycle for the last 7 years ( I never knew about this cycle until now) The last time was recently when she said it was over again - and then asked me the following day if I wanted her to stay the night - I said do what you want- I had reached my tipping point - I felt numb inside - Now looking back I can see the damage the make up break up cycle does in a relationship - you go up and down the scale -
My GF had been living with me in the house for the last year and paid no rent no money towards bills - my fault I know - Our wages are so different that I could afford to do this -

The crunch came was when she asked me - "What happens if you die?" out of the blue - Possibly becuase a married friend of hers with children the husband passed away at an early age. This got her thinking.
I was numb when she asked all I could answer was the truth - I have a will and the house goes to my boys - "well what about me was the answer?" I seriously could not answer it as I was so stuck down-
I tried in vain to find my own solution to keep her happy give her the security she needed - (BTW she has no assets - is now back at her mum and dads and does not pay rent there either)

I was asked several times again - what happens if you die - I still had no answer - only later did I come up with a solution which would of been extra life insurance to help her move or buy a place if I died.

It reached a point after she stayed away two nights that I packed all her stuff up and took it back to her Mum and Dads - her mum was cool and understood. I then emailed her to tell her that as you had broken up with me and I was going away on business for over a month. I have moved your stuff back to your mums...

You can imagine the voicemails I got -

Since then we have been back in communication and I do love the good bits of us - However the main question I want to ask is

Security? It means something different for me becuase of my childhood and I will protect my children first. This was part of the reason I moved her stuff out - as I really did not want my 19 yr old have to face being with her whilst away.

Am I being unreasonable in what I did?

I know she had some money saved for a flat once and spent it partying or the excuse I got was she lent it to an ex and he never re paid her - I dont know what to believe about it this one now as I only found this out from her mum?

So I am confused?

If we did get back together she is saying she wants to get married now?

I would only do this with a pre nup now?

Or should I just walk away and think as much as I still love her - I have to protect my children and my own mental health-

OP posts:
siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 08/10/2019 11:29

People like this is why I've decided should anything happen to DH or our relationship there is no way I will remarry. I need to protect my children and all we have worked for goes to them and not some man who might then cut my children out.

A colleague's dad passed away after remarrying (and having another child with her). He expected his wife to share their estate (his really as when they married she had nothing, he had a house and a job etc) with all four children (his three and their joint one). Instead the moment his died his kids were banned from the house and cut off. They weren't allowed the letters their dad wrote for them while he was ill, any of their grandparents things, photos or anything and of course the estate went to her. When she passed on she left everything to her child and nothing to her 3 step children.

That wont happen to my kids!

RuffleCrow · 08/10/2019 11:35

This doesn't sound like a good relationship for either of you. If she wants financial security she should create it herself or find a man willing to share in that sense. It sounds like you're on very different pages.

Singlenotsingle · 08/10/2019 11:36

So at the grand old age of 50 she's moved back in with her parents? They must be in their 70s, and I'm sure they could do without all this! I can understand where she's coming from but she should have dealt with this long ago by working, saving, and getting her own place.

AllFourOfThem · 08/10/2019 11:43

I’m sorry but I think you need to stop contact with her altogether. This relationship is just destructive for you and won’t bring you happiness long term.

Even a prenup might not protect your assets (assuming you are in the uk) in the way you are assuming. Don’t marry this woman. This cycle won’t stop.

Interestedwoman · 08/10/2019 11:56

By the way, of course she's going to say she's not after your money. She's not going to admit it :)

forumdonkey · 08/10/2019 16:49

Your relationship sounds awful. She's treating you appalling but you are perpetuating by allowing her to do so. You deserve better and you should finish it and find someone who respects you and treats you with love and care. Once you've done that you'll also solve your problem with the money. Win win

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/10/2019 17:19

I have to agree with others, you need to remove this woman completely from your life.
If you continue to keep in contact, even with all the legal defences you think you may have in place after your death , it will be your kids that suffer if she decides that she should be getting her pound of flesh. Even if she is unsuccessful it will cost your kids a fortune in court to prove it as well a load of stress

Idontwanttotalk · 08/10/2019 17:30

You are doing the right thing in having dumped her. She doesn't love you. If she did she'd appreciate your DC being put first and she would definitely not expect to inherit your estate when you have children.

Cut all contact with her. Delete her telephone numbers from your phone and, if you use social media, block her and make sure you have the appropriate privacy settings so she doesn't follow/stalk you.

You are not too old to meet someone else when you have healed from this hurt.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/10/2019 18:44

You already know shes a user and financial car crash....

Why would you even consider going there again?

You nake your own security in this life and you would think at 50 she would know that!

Run for the hills

bengalcat · 08/10/2019 18:50

No to marriage and no to a prenup ( they’re not cast iron ) .

AhNowTed · 08/10/2019 18:52

@Jasonmd

I am with my DH a long time.

We've built up equity and savings over that time. 35 years of hard work.

Two adult children, one working and the other in Uni.

If something happened to my husband (or vice versa) NO WAY on gods earth would either of us remarry:

Thats basically handing over all our hard work to a new partner and shafting our kids.

By way of example, my own father married his girlfriend at the age of 80. He owns the house outright and has a decent sum.

Let's say he died on a Monday. Everything goes to his now wife. She could die literally the following day and all my fathers estate goes to her family.

Think on!

Interestedwoman · 08/10/2019 18:57

@AhNowTed - that would be the case by default, but not if the person made a will with other specifications such as it goes to the kids, or the wife can stay in it for the rest of her life but then it goes to the kids, or whatever.

AhNowTed · 08/10/2019 19:18

@Interestedwoman

I'm genuinely interested in this.

My understanding is a marriage usurps all pre-existing wills.

If no will she gets the lot.

A subsequent will I'm not sure.

Could a subsequent will (after the marriage) make the new wife homeless where the house has to be sold and she gets nothing?

Leftielefterson · 08/10/2019 19:22

Oh god she sounds very manipulative. I don’t get why people do this, the whole block/unblock, dump/ get back together bollocks. At 15 yeah I get it, but in your fifties Christ almighty there’s just no need and when there are DC involved it’s just ridiculous.

Stay well away.

sage46 · 08/10/2019 19:45

She sounds like a total user. Tell her to sling her hook.

Original poster
Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 23:54

Thanks for all the new comments and have replied to most people saying thankyou - it has meant a lot and especially people sharing stories of where it goes wrong -

As I am ex military - they saying goes - " NOT on my watch"

I will not allow my kids suffer - that shit - work offshore since I left the army -

I cannot imagine the devasting affect a fight between a GF or new wife and the kids -

Nah I am not even going there -

Just not worth the drama -

Anyway good people - thanks again -

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 09/10/2019 00:17

@AhNowTed IDK if a marriage usurps anything, that would kind of make sense- maybe the wife would have to contest the will and say it doesn't reflect the husband's more recent intentions, IDK. Certainly the person could make a will while they were married saying what they wished to happen. I wonder what my dad's decided about my step mum, who he married about 10 years ago, in his 60s!

Original poster
Jasonmd · 09/10/2019 00:29

Yes the marriage would surpass the existing will I have made - it would of required a new will and pre nup

The simple solution is I am not going there - I dont need the stress -

YES she could contest the will - IF for example the will was 20 years old - but still it leaves a headache for those left behind -

I guess AhNOWTed - you will have to find out? Good luck

OP posts:
Original poster
Jasonmd · 09/10/2019 00:33

I guess one solution for people in this situation IS to update there will on a regular basis so it IS current

Its easy to do - you just add a signed statement to your existing will - I added some stuff a year ago and its in the safe and copy with my eldest son.

OP posts:
Charliecatpaws · 09/10/2019 00:55

@Jasonmd in your first few posts I thought that she was in her 20’s - asking about what would happen if you died??? WTF !!! Move on and don’t look back, you are being a brilliant father to your boys, she has no relationship or interest after 7 years. You’re 50, still young enough to find someone who really appreciates and would love you. Block her and DON’T look back - you’ll make an appreciative lady very happy in future

minesagin37 · 09/10/2019 01:15

She's 50!! Thought you were going to say 25. Leave her well alone she sounds like a money grabbing free loader.

Original poster
Jasonmd · 09/10/2019 04:31

At times she acts like a 16 year old - I think my two boys breathed a sigh of relief when I packed her stuff up -

At least the house is drama free now - for when I get back -

She is 50 I know should of been a red flag - still living at home when I meet her at 43 - but the excuse was good enough for me to believe at the time why shed did not have a flat -

Thanks for the comments most appreciated -

Yes I still feel very young for 50 luckily -

OP posts:
Monty27 · 09/10/2019 04:38

She's a free loader and toxic. Get shot of her. Enjoy your family OP you don't need that crazy crap. Oh no siree! Smile

HouseworkAvoider10 · 09/10/2019 05:04

Don't be a mug.
Dump her.

lottelupin · 09/10/2019 05:55

She's an absolute bugger. Still living at home at 43? No responsibilities? Jealous about your love for your boys? You sound a v nice guy and I think she's taken advantage.

And this sudden 'marrying' business could be even more calculating than you think. I know a (dreadful) woman who wanted to split up with her long term partner, so she deliberately married him to make sure she'd get half of everything in her exit plan. Within a few years of the marriage she was gone, causing him immense pain and also indeed taking large chunks of cash, including him having to buy her a house, where she lives Scot free. In his case he went along with it to minimise the further upset to their kids, but even if he'd fought it, she was still due half.

This minx you've been involved with - she could marry you, then at some point leave you, and have half your house. If you couldn't remortgage you might have to sell to give her it. That marriage punt was shameless. I'm making the point because I think it's a very material reason for never having anything to do with her again. I think it was a cynical act, her suggesting marriage at this point.

I'm sorry for the current upset but you are well out of this, as are your boys. Sounds like she's been impinging your f