She used to finish with me all the time - so I took control and she flipped

[Jasonmd]

So I am 50 (M) own my own house have 2 Boys (1 x 19) lives with me and a 15y (M) dual custody - Relationship would of been 7 years this month - I have faced the make up break cycle for the last 7 years ( I never knew about this cycle until now) The last time was recently when she said it was over again - and then asked me the following day if I wanted her to stay the night - I said do what you want- I had reached my tipping point - I felt numb inside - Now looking back I can see the damage the make up break up cycle does in a relationship - you go up and down the scale -
My GF had been living with me in the house for the last year and paid no rent no money towards bills - my fault I know - Our wages are so different that I could afford to do this -

The crunch came was when she asked me - "What happens if you die?" out of the blue - Possibly becuase a married friend of hers with children the husband passed away at an early age. This got her thinking.
I was numb when she asked all I could answer was the truth - I have a will and the house goes to my boys - "well what about me was the answer?" I seriously could not answer it as I was so stuck down-
I tried in vain to find my own solution to keep her happy give her the security she needed - (BTW she has no assets - is now back at her mum and dads and does not pay rent there either)

I was asked several times again - what happens if you die - I still had no answer - only later did I come up with a solution which would of been extra life insurance to help her move or buy a place if I died.

It reached a point after she stayed away two nights that I packed all her stuff up and took it back to her Mum and Dads - her mum was cool and understood. I then emailed her to tell her that as you had broken up with me and I was going away on business for over a month. I have moved your stuff back to your mums...

You can imagine the voicemails I got -

Since then we have been back in communication and I do love the good bits of us - However the main question I want to ask is

Security? It means something different for me becuase of my childhood and I will protect my children first. This was part of the reason I moved her stuff out - as I really did not want my 19 yr old have to face being with her whilst away.

Am I being unreasonable in what I did?

I know she had some money saved for a flat once and spent it partying or the excuse I got was she lent it to an ex and he never re paid her - I dont know what to believe about it this one now as I only found this out from her mum?

So I am confused?

If we did get back together she is saying she wants to get married now?

I would only do this with a pre nup now?

Or should I just walk away and think as much as I still love her - I have to protect my children and my own mental health-

Pressed wrong button!
Sounds like she's been hindering your full enjoyment of your relationship with your sons for years.

Clean her out of your life. It will be so much nicer. And I'm sure you'll then have pleasure seeing who else is out there, when you feel like it. Make sure anyone new respects you as a father and is balanced and mature and just kind enough to develop a proper bond with your boys.

She sounds personality disordered, cluster b. Possibly histrionic or borderline and definitely has narcissistic traits.
You are doing the right thing by getting rid of her, she was blatantly gold digging, which is toe curling in her audacity to do it to you.
Stay strong, don't go back.

Thanks for the replies and some good points - raised

No I have worked so hard to ensure the house is near enough paid off - 100 quid left on the mortgage - so she would not of got anything -
Its past that stage now - but in Scotland - Assets are taken count of from the day of marriage - she came in with nothing she leaves with nothing as we did not build that home together -

I built it for me and the boys to always have a secured place to live -

I know she liked the lifestyle I have thats for sure and as someone else said she wanted the lifestyle you have built after you have gone - which is so wrong..

She will have to wake up at some point .. but not on my watch

Thanks again for taking the time to replay - means a lot

I had to go and look up - histrionic - Lexiepuppy

I am not her therapist and never will be and I know its slighlty unfair - but I did look at this and think ouch -

I put notes on the side of it -

Additional characteristics may include:

Exhibitionist behavior - Not really
Constant seeking of reassurance or approval - Alot of the time
Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval - YES
Pride of own personality and unwillingness to change, viewing any change as a threat - YES - could never talk about her flaws only mine

Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature- NO

Using factitious somatic symptoms (of physical illness) or psychological disorders to garner attention YES

A need to be the center of attention - Not Really

Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification - YES

Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others - YES

Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are - NO
Making rash decisions[4] NO
Blaming personal failures or disappointments on others - YES to a certain degree

Being easily influenced by others, especially those who treat them approvingly - Not sure

Being overly dramatic and emotional[5] - YES YES YES
Influenced by the suggestions of others[6] YES

Here is the iink if anyone else found it interesting

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

After reading it - Yes she had many issues growing up

Well im out of it now so time to move on - slowly -

@55lottelupin I thought they were both 50. Unless I misunderstood
Also I didn't see where they have DC's together
Perhaps we're on different threads
OP I agree she wouldn't stand a hope of getting hold of your assets. Any judge would laugh her out of court. Kick it to the kerb.

The relationship is toxic so I think you should finally end it properly.

Having said that I know quite a few 50yr -ish men that won't ever commit they just want a 'girlfriend/boyfriend' relationship like they are still in their 20's. It's not unreasonable for the other person to want the relationship to move on from this. If this is all you can ever offer in a relationship then it would be good to be upfront from the beginning. Having said that your current relationship is toxic anyway and you should end it.

YANBU at all. She is a grabby bitch. Why the hell would you leave anything to her at the expense of your own sons? She needs to get off her arse and fund her own lifestyle. You deserve someone better than this.

No kids together - she has never had children

We are both 50

thanks for the comments good people

Monty they are both 50 and don't have kids together. But she's immature. And I gave the example of someone else coughing up half where there were kids, but even without it works like that.

Jasonmd am very pleased to hear it's different in Scotland!! And you sound sorted now, so that's good 👌.

@17lottelupin that's what OP said upthread. As I pointed out and
I don't think any court be it England Scotland Wales or NI would have any truck with it. It's not specific to Scotland I shouldn't imagine.

It's onwards and upwards now OP.

She wants financial security from you and yet you haven't had any sort of security in the relationship from her. She sounds awful you sound lovely - get rid!

I know bigvig I am not too good at quick answers at times -

You nailed it in one - had I not had the make up break up cycle for 7 years I would of felt different - but it takes you to the point of being numb --

I think that would of been a good reply when she said - "what about me"

I should of said and what about me too?

What financial security are you offering?

You know the answer would of been - well you dont need anything you have this house -

I guess that would of been a telling answer as a guess- so it is the house you want - the hot tub - the outside bar ... ...

End the relationship she sounds grabby!
Of course your kids come first. The fact she wants the roof over their head is a red flag for me.
Where would they go? Would she have them live there still, I highly doubt it.
I'm glad you have put your children first.

Well done op. Don’t expect her to go quietly though. Good luck.

pixieDustt - its over -

Yes that question raised a huge red flag - I think she forgot all the make up break cycles we went through and I should be happy to just let her stay in the house if I died..... errr I could not do that to the eldest - it would be horrendous for him -

So many stories of how it goes wrong -

Well I can breathe easy now and chill at work -

Having just read this article on the daily fail - I am gobsmacked -

I am not a sexist at all - but serioulsy this lady wants you to ask what you earn on the first date - Errr well there would not be a second date -

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7544249/Why-midlife-woman-watch-money-fall-love.html

Just gobsmacking - I understand both men and women lose money in re marriages and then the husband or wife dies - kids get nothing etc

This article has just rammed home exactly why "I moved her stuff out"

It is not hard to slowly work our if someone is good with money or not - its also not hard to start paying your way at first for this to then drift off and you end up paying more and more.

Yes I did lend her money and have received most of it back - two installements left - Yet I was made to feel a twat "You'll get your money back was a comment thrown at me"

Should of said dont be such a financial idiot then...

Aricle is just so wrong - it does raise some good points but holy shit ...

I think you were at the end of the road emotionally after all the “break-ups” which is why you ended it.

Luckily for you she won’t be able to fleece you or your boys financially.

What a hard-hearted, brutal world it is becoming if it seems people are only interested in people’s wealth, according to that journalist.

Hopefully in time there will be someone nice and caring for you, not a gold-digger!

OP breathe a sigh of relief that this is over. She sounds absolutely awful. And still living at home at 43!!!!
I’m a similar age to you. If and when I ever venture back into dating it would be with someone who has worked hard for what they have (regardless of what it is). I’ve worked hard for what I have and I value it.
Good luck to you

OP just good luck and stay firm. Intrusive, but what made you go for her in the first place and then stick with her when she had no interest in your children and was volatile from the beginning? Perhaps if you work that out you'll be better prepared in the future.

but what made you go for her in the first place and then stick with her
... I think he said it was the physical bond ... ? Can be kind of powerful.

I'd imagine we've all done it. (apart from the super-sensible ones!) ... got carried away and found someone hard to resist, even when they're not the best choice?

Thanks for the new answers on this thread -

Yes physical bond - extreme - you dont always see the small things to begin with - as they are on best behaviour so to speak - I never knew about the make up break up cycle until recently - so yes it took me to the tipping point of taking control -

She is 50 years of age and still living at home - there was obviously good times between us - but it was about me and her - not as a unit -

For those that read that article in the daily fail - I am still shocked that she would hint you should ask someones wage on a first date and then go through finances on a second ...

Anyway thanks again - hope everyone has a fantastic day

If I didn’t know better I’d say you were in a relationship with my OH ex - even down to the holiday thing! She’s always short-circuit any holiday, or say she was coming and drop out

She has absolutely blighted the life of every human being unfortunate enough to have met her. Ruined her kids, absolutely tortured her own dc to get stuff out of her ex, tried to destroy any relationship between people that didn’t involve her.

They aren’t the same woman, but they’re cut from the same cloth. Your ex was only living in your home for a short period, she’s - believe it or not - still on “good behaviour” / this wouldn’t have always been the case, the kids would have found it impossible to stay there in the end and they’d have had to leave, so it would just be her and you(re money/lifestyle)

You’ve done the very best thing of your life getting this cancerous growth out of your lives! Make sure you go full force legally to make her stay away if you have any push back. Don’t give this creature an inch!

the holiday thing
Yes, that's a whole thing. I think because holidays are special - out of the routine - and usually there's something riding on them. Everyone is looking forward to them. They cost money. Time off has been booked. It's a big deal. And therefore a great opportunity to trash things and upset everyone. Perfect moment for a tantrum.

I hate it when holidays are ruined. It's like Christmas and birthdays as well. I see a birthday as an opportunity to do something nice and spoil someone and show them how special and loved they are. The bad uns see it as a great chance to not give a present/not say happy birthday/be mean/say 'I'm only not shouting at you because it's your birthday, but at midnight it won't be', etc.

she has tried to destroy any relationship between people that didn't involve her Yup. I've seen that. Unfortunately in my case, she was the OW.

We hear a lot on MN about the bad men - understandable, as high proportion of women writing. But my experience of this woman absolutely shocked me in terms of how bad a woman can be.

Jasonmd - I don't know how bad this one was, but sounds like she was not viable, to say the least. Life's too short! : )