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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

She used to finish with me all the time - so I took control and she flipped

128 replies

Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 07:43

So I am 50 (M) own my own house have 2 Boys (1 x 19) lives with me and a 15y (M) dual custody - Relationship would of been 7 years this month - I have faced the make up break cycle for the last 7 years ( I never knew about this cycle until now) The last time was recently when she said it was over again - and then asked me the following day if I wanted her to stay the night - I said do what you want- I had reached my tipping point - I felt numb inside - Now looking back I can see the damage the make up break up cycle does in a relationship - you go up and down the scale -
My GF had been living with me in the house for the last year and paid no rent no money towards bills - my fault I know - Our wages are so different that I could afford to do this -

The crunch came was when she asked me - "What happens if you die?" out of the blue - Possibly becuase a married friend of hers with children the husband passed away at an early age. This got her thinking.
I was numb when she asked all I could answer was the truth - I have a will and the house goes to my boys - "well what about me was the answer?" I seriously could not answer it as I was so stuck down-
I tried in vain to find my own solution to keep her happy give her the security she needed - (BTW she has no assets - is now back at her mum and dads and does not pay rent there either)

I was asked several times again - what happens if you die - I still had no answer - only later did I come up with a solution which would of been extra life insurance to help her move or buy a place if I died.

It reached a point after she stayed away two nights that I packed all her stuff up and took it back to her Mum and Dads - her mum was cool and understood. I then emailed her to tell her that as you had broken up with me and I was going away on business for over a month. I have moved your stuff back to your mums...

You can imagine the voicemails I got -

Since then we have been back in communication and I do love the good bits of us - However the main question I want to ask is

Security? It means something different for me becuase of my childhood and I will protect my children first. This was part of the reason I moved her stuff out - as I really did not want my 19 yr old have to face being with her whilst away.

Am I being unreasonable in what I did?

I know she had some money saved for a flat once and spent it partying or the excuse I got was she lent it to an ex and he never re paid her - I dont know what to believe about it this one now as I only found this out from her mum?

So I am confused?

If we did get back together she is saying she wants to get married now?

I would only do this with a pre nup now?

Or should I just walk away and think as much as I still love her - I have to protect my children and my own mental health-

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 08/10/2019 08:11

She sounds like an entitled ponce.

You’ve made the right call

hellsbellsmelons · 08/10/2019 08:15

I was asked several times again - what happens if you die - I still had no answer
Why did you have no answer?
The answer is simple.
'It all goes to my boys. It always will. You will never have a claim on my money, it's for my kids, so stop asking'
But you already know this.
You need to end this nightmare of a relationship.
Don't allow her to live with you rent free.
What are you doing!????
Stop being a 'yes' man. Stop being a doormat.
Stop allowing this vile woman to run rings around you.
Stop allowing your DC to see this as an example of relationships.
Just STOP!!!!!!!!!
Dump and run!

Samosaurus · 08/10/2019 08:23

I was shocked to read she was the same age as you - she sounds very immature. I'm guessing her parents must be in their 80's or so? What kind of person would think it was ok to rely on their parents aged 50?! I think you know the answer - walk away from this relationship and never look back before your sons lose all their respect for you.

Wheresthebeach · 08/10/2019 08:25

Good job in returning her stuff and blocking her. Toxic relationships are hard.

Now steel yourself for the onslaught of charm and promises when she realises her meal ticket has ended.

Stay strong, stay away from her, continue to do what's best for your DC.

Beautiful3 · 08/10/2019 08:29

Of course you leave it to your children. I would quite honestly call it a day. You can find someone much better and you know it.

TequilaPilates · 08/10/2019 08:30

Oh op. Just block her. Don't get sucked back into it and you know that's what will happen if you start talking to her again.

She really doesn't think it's over this time does she? I bet she's expecting it to just go back to normal.

Does she have house keys? Is she likely to move back in while you are away?

JenniferM1989 · 08/10/2019 08:34

It says a lot that her mum was nice about it all. Why would her mum be nice to a man that is coming round to dump all her stuff there? Because she's not a nice person and her mum knows this all too well!

She's likely a dramatist and insecure and this on/off relationship supplies her with drama and everytime she dumps you and you chase her, this gives her ego a huge boost.

You'd be best off ending this relationship permanently and in time finding someone else. Your life sounds pretty full with your children around all the time, working and anything else it is that you do as well.

You're only 50. You'd be amazed that not all 50 year women are like this, in fact hardly any are! She sounds very young and immature, I thought you were going to say that she was in her 20's.

She sounds a little narcissistic to be honest. You block her and she still finds a way to pull you back in.

Block her on EVERYTHING this time and ignore her in any other ways she tries to contact you. Relax and find your sanity then give dating a try when you're ready

justthecat · 08/10/2019 08:34

Keep her blocked, she sounds a nightmare

AhNowTed · 08/10/2019 08:40

Of course she now wants to get married!

She thinks after a year living together she's entitled to your house!

You would be stark raving mad to marry her.

666onmyhead · 08/10/2019 08:42

Block block block !

Elieza · 08/10/2019 08:44

She’s got no pride in herself and her own ability to pay her way in life. She’s a sponge. Even her mother knows. Your children are your priority, quite right. Forget her and move on. There are plenty nice people out there.

I watch a lot of tv, there are programmes where the woman says she worries about the future if anything happened to the guy, so the guy gets life insurance with her as the beneficiary and suddenly he ends up dead and she gets the money.....
Yeah, don’t take on life insurance, just get shot of the ‘fannylodger’ as another poster called her

GetOffTheTableMabel · 08/10/2019 08:54

You have only been with her for 7 (rocky on/off) years. She seems to have lived with you for only one of these years.Why on earth would she think that this entitles her to a share of everything you have worked for all your life? More importantly, why would YOU? This isn’t a partnership; if it was, she would be pulling her weight and not trying to get you to see her as another dependent.
You deserve more. And if you feel tempted to reconcile with someone who treats your feelings with such little regard, then you need to consider the reasons for that. Why don’t you believe that you deserve better? Would you really advise your sons to settle for someone who treats them this way? You are not being respected and you are not being loved. Please have the self-respect to resist her when she’s being charming. It’s just manipulation, it’s not love.

BecauseItIz · 08/10/2019 08:55

She is showing you who she is again and again. Of course she wants to marry you but not for who you are and not for love.

FuriousVexation · 08/10/2019 08:56

Keep yourself rid of her. Block her on EVERYTHING. Why did you leave your work phone allowing her contact?

The repeated questions about "what happens if you die" would frankly scare the shit out of me. If you married her you'd be wanting to constantly look over your shoulder in case she was about to shove you down the stairs. And I don't think I'm being overly dramatic.

Sheld0r · 08/10/2019 08:56

You did have an answer for her question though. She just didn't like the answer so kept on asking the same question in the hope that the answer will change.

You've done the right thing. Cut all contact with her. Be prepared for her not to give up and pursue you quite hard. She's a massive sponge and will be desperate to marry you so she can take all of your assets.

Original poster

Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 09:06

I must say thankyou to everyone who took the time to reply - some really good view points and blunt and to the point as well - which is what I needed - I sent the link to my sister who uses mumsnet a lot - as I had not even told her - whats really being going on.

As much as I am still numb and recovering my health has to come first - which it is -

The ironic thing is I was recently given a choice by the EX GF - or it felt like it -

IF I purchase a flat - I wont have anytime in my head for you?

I am actually laughing about this now - I have always said she should of lived in a flat by herself and then she would understand what 99.99% of us on mumsnet understand the complexties of running a house, bills and for those of us single fathers - mothers its bloody hard work and I commend anyone that has done this.

Thanks again everyone - I better go and do some work but will check in later

OP posts:

Hesafriendfromwork · 08/10/2019 09:07

End it and mean it.

She wants to live there and marry you because she wants the money and security.

Your kids will mor see a penny. Even if she lived there and didnt marry you. If you died she could waste a load of the estate claiming to be your dependent. She may not win, but would it would reduce what your sons get.

She sees you as an easy ride and easy money.

What happens if she dies, what is she providing for you?

bookwormsforever · 08/10/2019 09:08

She's using you. The relationship sounds toxic and bad for you, never mind your dc. Block her and concentrate on your dc.

You might find it helpful to do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your bar higher next time you get into a relationship so you don't put up with so much shit.

You're 50 - surely you know what makes you happy in a relationship and what you're prepared to put up with?

Original poster

Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 09:12

Whats the freedom programme I have never heard of this

Thankyou for taking the time to reply

Yes at 50 I am a lot better at dealing with it now - but it creeps up on you -

There were faults on both sides I will admit that - end of the day now - kids and my health first -

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 08/10/2019 09:14

I agree with everyone else! She's telling you loud and clear that she sees you as the security for her frail old age, nothing more than that, and that she doesn't care if that comes at the cost of your sons. She should have been benefitting from living rent-free to save like mad! She sounds a bit feckless, to be honest.

Original poster

Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 09:17

Having been asked

What happens if she dies, what is she providing for you?

I never even asked as I already knew the answer.

Nothing .............

All one way traffic - its not a relationship partnership as I can see now it was about her wanting the lifestyle / comfort I have created for me and the boys end of - without the hard work - even I knew that was wrong -

Thanks good question -

OP posts:

Original poster

Jasonmd · 08/10/2019 09:18

Ok found the link on www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thanks

OP posts:

bookwormsforever · 08/10/2019 09:20

Wishing you all the best :)

KingMidasAteMidges · 08/10/2019 09:20

Put your kids first. Your GF has had a lifetime to make provisions for herself, but instead chose to party. Now she wants to get her security off the back of somebody else.

You have dodged a bullet there. Don’t take her back. Look after your sons.

P.S. My advice would have been very different if it was a woman who spent her earning years bringing up your joint children. Then you would have a duty of care towards her, as she would have contributed in other ways. But as I understand it is not the situation in the OP. She came on the scene at a much later stage and contributed next to nothing to your family. So I can’t see how she has got the nerve to expect a share in your assets!

SVRT19674 · 08/10/2019 09:23

Do not marry her, and whilst you're at it, stay apart. A friend of my mum's suffered this when her mother remarried. She then died and the stepdad inherited everything and the children were penniless. She is out for what she can get.

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