How to cope with feelings of inferiority and jealousy

[lickencivers]

That's it really. I've felt massively resentful of my partners ex wife and tuts spilled into me projecting that into my step children.

I've realised it's jealousy on my part and deep insecurity and feeling inadequate.

I'm sad that she doesn't work and gets to be a sahm even though her Dc are at full time school and I have to leave my children and very small baby and work nights meaning I'm exhausted and feel constantly in the back foot and playing catch up where she gets 5 hours a day to clean and sew badges into kids uniforms and do stuff.

She's always so well put together and gets time to bake. I feel guilty about the disparity between my children, my child with DP and his children with her. There's a massive difference in finance available, time etc

I'm jealous. It's not attractive. DP won't say no to her so I feel left. Since our baby has been born she's got worse and more demanding. For example she insists he goes to hers to drop things off etc and she hasn't gone longer than 48 hours without seeing him in the last few weeks. Meaning he isn't here. He runs around after his 2 children even though she doesn't work - he does clubs after school because she can't cope doing it as apparently their Dc behaviour is too naughty for her to take them on her own.

What do you think her side of the story might be?

I’m not being snippy, just trying to get you to realise that she may not be in clover, as you seem to think she is. Talk of clubs makes me think that the DCs are still youngish - single parenthood can be stressful when you’re the main carer and the kids are still quite dependent.

You have to brush those feelings aside and accept that he's with you, or you accept that you can't cope with feeling second best.
There is more to it, isn't there.
Could you talk to DP about it?

I realise what it's like being w single parent. I was one.

I'm bitter I suppose. Bitter that the equivalent to what I earn is paid to her as maintenance - even though the CMs calculated it incorrectly as she's stated we only have them 1 night a week when actually it's 3 on average but until there's a court order the CMs won't take DPs appeal to readjust.

So my children go without and I work nights and leave my tiny baby - and she doesn't work, even though her 2 dc are full time school age. She has no mortgage. Dp pays for their activities. Won't say no to her.

I feel v alone. I've tried talking to him he says they're his children and he wants them to do these activities as important to him ( v expensive private swimming 1 on 1 at health club v local council pool lessons sort of thing so we are talking hundreds of pounds on just this one activity).

I'm jealous. And sad.

She comes first at all times as she's the mother of his kids. I feel I'm not even equal to her.

I thought that might be the case.
You feel that you are working to fund her lifestyle?
I'd consider leaving. Sorry, it's probably not what you want to hear.
Hugs.

Well it is the case.

I love him. Utterly.

But the cliche of me literally asking him to pick me, with tears in my eyes - and what she wants she gets immediately.

I can't afford to have my car serviced while on mat leave (which I bought using a personal loan, old car over 10 years old) Yet he pays for her to have a lease car nearly £300 per month - brand new car, fully serviced lease.

I feel like a mug.

When I told him how I felt before we bought a house together etc he said give him time.

I have

Nothing's changed.

Except she gets to critique me as being grumpy when I can't muster more than a cursory hello in passing. I'm the bar person for not inviting her in our home when my baby was 8 days old.

At first I thought you were being unreasonable but your example of the swimming lessons is over the top yes. It does sound extreme in the differences between how he treats you and her.

Is the mortgage paid off or does he pay that?

I think you have to move away from the mindset of "he does all this for her and it's not fair" and focus on the reality - that he pays the money, does pick-ups, leases a car etc for the benefit of his children with her. He very probably feels guilt over the end of his marriage (and you very possibly only know the story he's told you rather than the full truth), and sadness that he no longer lives with his eldest DC. If he begins to "pick you" instead, who really loses out? His DC, who live in a house with a low income; who no longer get to go to their clubs; who see their father less. It obviously doesn’t really help now because it’s done, but all this is the reality of marrying a man who already has small DC with somebody else.

Does it help to look at it that way? It’s more difficult surely to be jealous of children who didn’t ask for their parents to live apart than an adult?

Yes and I appreciate that, I don't want his children missing out - but my children do and our child will.

And I'm tired and sad.

I feel if I ask him any more I will push him away. He will always chose her over me. And it is her he's choosing. Not the children, he doesn't see how manipulative she is as he has always know life to be like that.

I'e his weekend to have kids (we have them nearly every weekend any way) and she insists he takes them to hers after school so she can get their Forrest school clothes so they can be wahsed over the weekend. Well afaik they don't need them again til the following Friday and we have a perfectly good washing machine. It's all about her control over him.

If you are this way inclined then why on earth did you pick a man with an ex wife and other kids? I just don’t get it. Why do single women pick blokes with baggage/other responsibilities? There are millions of people in this country. If you are an insecure type then why didn’t you pick somebody who was purely into you? No previous wife. I only wanted my husband to have me and our kids to be his firsts and only. I would never get involved with a bloke like yours because all of the “firsts” have already been taken. I think you need counselling and to work out what you really want and what you can cope with. You’re probably best off separating and finding yourself somebody who doesn’t have an ex wife. You can’t carry on with this crazy emo drama. It’s not fair on anybody.

I assume they have a financial consent order but it does seem as if she is getting rather a lot esp considering she is not working! A father usually supports his children not his wife . Was this order not determined before you came on the scene ? Why is your income being used for this ?

This does look bleak.
How long were they married for?

Hi OP is he seeking a court order to change the CMS arrangements? He does have to pay the CMS even if it is not right until it is legally changed. They are his children and he is absolutely right to want the best for them so being angry about clubs etc is not fair.

However, if what you say is correct it sounds like his ex may be using the kids to manipulate him. There is a limited amount you can do to make him see that and take action against it.

The key question that ask is, is your life better with this man in it?

Of course an ex can support his ex wife. It’s called spousal support and if they were married for a long time it’s common. He doesn’t just get to swan off with new partner and new baby and dump her. This is tough titties I’m afraid. They should have all thought about the impact before having more kids. She’s got his kids and they were there first.

Why did he leave her and divorce if he will ‘always choose her over you?’ That doesn’t add up to me.

(Please say he is actually divorced.)

No real advice but donethinkin you sound so unbelievably smug.
You did things your way and it worked out, good for you, but your post just comes across as really looking down on someone because they made different choices to yours. The op may have met him long after he split from his first wife and fell madly in love, she hasn’t done anything wrong as far as we know.

Op provided you weren’t the other woman or anything like that you have my sympathy as this sounds hard. And unfair too.
No advice other than to lay it on the line for him and remind him the dc should be equal in all this, which at the moment it sounds as if they aren’t.

I don't want to sound harsh but your children are not his responsibility financially OP and he SHOULD be supporting his own children and not yours.

However his ex does sound like a nightmare. Why doesn't she work? I disagree with the whole notion of spousal support to be honest, no reason a single parent with school age children can't work.

Clean breaks are preferred now to spousal support . Why should a woman get to sit on her backside and not work and expect money from her ex. ( I'm not talking about the children here )

I do feel for you. My late ex used to travel to the seaside (where she lived) and go to stay - leaving me and our daughter at home. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I wish I had left him years before.

OP: I think your priority here needs to be pushing your DP into making sure the CMS correctly recalculate his child maintenance. Why hasn’t he done this sooner? If the two of you have a baby, he must have been separated from his ex for years, plenty of time to get a court order.

I feel for you, lickencivers, but the fact is he has chosen you, he lives with you. The only reason he is in contact with his ex is because of his olther children and it's natural that he wants to do his best for them. As your baby gets older, he'll be doing his best for that one too and the older ones will be starting to go their own way.

I'm afraid that's how it goes. Please try not to let jealousy poison you, the ex wife doesn't even have a job, I'm not sure that's an enviable position to have, and the main responsibility for her children sits with her.

If you really are finding it difficult to manage financially it is worth talking to your husband about it and finding ways that he can cut back on expenditure. I'm sure he doesn't want you to feel as you do.

It's always difficult with two families but not the children's fault and you can't blame them for taking whatever is on offer. I'm sure you don't blame them but you did say some of your bitterness was spilling over into your attitude towards those children.

It won't be forever and I don't suppose life was all that wonderful between your man and his ex (& their children), when they were together or they wouldn't have split up. She may still feel hurt about the break up.

The only alternative I can think of is for you to leave him or get him to leave but you love him, you have a child with him, and don't want to do that. Life doesn't always seem fair I'm afraid.

I'm not expecting him to pay for my children but the fact is my income has suffered due to mat leave and then going part time after - and working nights so baby can be at home with Dp not in nursery and so I can be some what present in my elder DC life.

I don't get child benefit or tax credits due to his income - so actually I do feel some what that I need his financial support as I am worse off month on month now than when I was single.

Also my children suffer in time, which is more painful. At the end of the day money is just money but not being there to read my children stories or go to school plays because I'm at work when she isn't and their children get 100% unadulterated parenting from both of them - where as I am absent a lot.

And when they are here, and she texts and says they need to be bathed before dropped off etc and he literally put our screaming baby down to go off and bath them in the middle of the afternoon because she's demanded he do it, meaning the home work I was doing with my eldest stopped as I then had the baby.

You have a DP problem.

He needs to stand up to his ex. I am divorced and if I called my ex telling him what to di with DS in his contact time he'd tell me to fuck off!

Honestly I know you love him but I couldn't live that life. You'd probably be better off financially if you left him and claimed tax credits. Is your elder childrens' father involved at all?

It sounds like the two of you need to have a proper conversation about the situation, including how he feels about the end of his marriage; what he needs to do to assuage the level of guilt he clearly feels which makes him so keen to respond to Ex-W’s demands at any cost; and how you’re feeling being in the middle of all of this. He can’t just say he “has” to do what she wants - there needs to be some compromise so that his new baby with you also gets what his elder DC do.

I agree.

My problem isn't with her although I dislike her and think she's an abusive cow, both to DP and her children - however that was their arrangement.

What I need now is DP to understand how it effects me and my DC and that it's not acceptable he ignores me, and makes arrangements etc without even discussing it with me