How to cope with feelings of inferiority and jealousy

[lickencivers]

That's it really. I've felt massively resentful of my partners ex wife and tuts spilled into me projecting that into my step children.

I've realised it's jealousy on my part and deep insecurity and feeling inadequate.

I'm sad that she doesn't work and gets to be a sahm even though her Dc are at full time school and I have to leave my children and very small baby and work nights meaning I'm exhausted and feel constantly in the back foot and playing catch up where she gets 5 hours a day to clean and sew badges into kids uniforms and do stuff.

She's always so well put together and gets time to bake. I feel guilty about the disparity between my children, my child with DP and his children with her. There's a massive difference in finance available, time etc

I'm jealous. It's not attractive. DP won't say no to her so I feel left. Since our baby has been born she's got worse and more demanding. For example she insists he goes to hers to drop things off etc and she hasn't gone longer than 48 hours without seeing him in the last few weeks. Meaning he isn't here. He runs around after his 2 children even though she doesn't work - he does clubs after school because she can't cope doing it as apparently their Dc behaviour is too naughty for her to take them on her own.

He's taking you for a mug OP. Yes he should pay the correct amount towards his DC, but he's going above and beyond. You'd be better off without him if he won't stop dancing to her tune.

As a pp said, it's like you're a single parent looking after a grown man and his kids, rather than a partnership.

I think you may have formed a narrative in your head about her and him and everything you list is negative and you labelled it yourself - jealously.

You were invited round yet you refused. You didn’t have to.

You listed all the shit stuff that’s affecting your finances and time with your children but you’ve just had a baby. Money and time will be limited. Where is the father of your first children in this picture?

From my perspective it sounds to me like they’ve got a good rapport which is unusual but actually really positive for their children to see.

I’m not sure we’re getting the full picture here. If his ex really was this controlling and demanding then are you labelling yourself as jealous?

*why are you labelling yourself as jealous

Oh op you sound so sad. You really need a serious conversation with him and lay it down straight. Tell him everything you've put here, let him hear how unfair it sounds, how unhappy you are.

@Minionmomma fundamentally I am jealous of her lifestyle.

Sorry for asking so many questions, I’m just trying to get a gauge of the situation and how it arose.

What did you both plan for your maternity leave? Did you think he would contribute more? Why did you have to go back to work so early.

OP I suspect that the answers to many of these will show you that he is not engaged with your life together but is still engaged with his ex? Or have I got that wrong?

Jealous is a dangerous thing. It serves no purpose and can eat you up.

How would you prefer life to be? Can you discuss that and make a plan with him to reach that goal? Would he be open to that?

Where’s your ex in this picture? You mention you have children from a previous relationship... could their father contribute towards their care and quality time with them?

You have a dp problem. Try and ignore the ex? Jealousy is such a negative emotion and won't help you in the slightest.

Write down what you want from him, sit down and tell him. Give him a time frame to sort it. If he doesn't sort it, then leave. Chances are, financially you will be better off, and at least you can stop being resentful and move forward with your dc.

I don’t think you’d be so jealous of her if you weren’t caught up in this crazy ménage à trois.

Oh @TatianaLarina that did make me laugh

There's no menage a trois, Tatiana, but, with all of the time and attention he's giving his stbxw, it does seem as if he's running two menage a deux and the OP is justifiably pissed off with this state of affairs.

You pay for your car and children anyway so it doesn’t look like he sees you as one family. You are getting nothing from this set up but aggro. Hard with a baby but yes I would set out your stall, give him an ultimatum and stick to it.

he's running two menage a deux

Right and with him it makes trois.

Why is he paying for a car for her?
Why isn't he paying for a brand new car for you?
He doesn't need to pay for anything other than the children.
Maybe not what you want to hear but do you think they could still have something going? I mean why does he have to see her every 2 days and odd that they have alone time together IMHO

Oh poor you. That sounds really hard. I’m a single mum and while I don’t have anything like your situation I am very jealous that my ex husband lives a lovely life, earns 4 x what I do, always buying new expensive cars, watches, clothes, and I live on the breadline with my shitty part time wage and struggle to afford nice things and our kids have such a different experience at daddy’s house. I also have disabilities, chronic pain and fatigue so it’s often pretty shit when they’re with mummy. I hate having to scrimp and see them sometimes fend for themselves because I’m immobile.
Sorry this is not about me, my point being, your jealousy sounds completely normal given your very different circumstances to her. It must be fitting having to leave your baby when his other kids get full time parenting and you have to work for the same money he gives her. Don’t let it eat you up but maybe consider how you can change things. If it’s too overwhelming maybe see a counsellor to help you make changes.

Trust me... your dad not living at your house means they won't give a shit that he's spending all that money

Sounds like it sucks though, she needs to get a job. I'm confused as to why he's paying for her car etc

Re the car - he's always had this arrangement and just carried it on. When tackled, said she needs it. He would have to continue paying for it if he took it from her and we would be worse off as would have to insure it ourselves but I couldn't use it as can't fit my children in it and would be odd for their children.

We've talked tonight. I think me telling him that as he has no will and they're still married if some thing happens I'm fucked has finally sunk in. I would be in serious jeopardy and potentially looking at losing my own house while she would stand to inherit an awful lot.

He's contacted her to sort out the divorce etc

I have a really good friend who was in a similar situation with her DH. His kids got a much higher standard of living and he was tight with her because he was constantly broke. He had an accident and ended up in intensive care. When he recovered, my friend asked him to move out of her house, because she was sick of being second to his ex and was so much financially worse off. She really loved him but couldn’t cope. A year later, they got back together. He had sorted his divorce and stopped the excessive spending on his first wife, he was in a much better place emotionally and actually so was his ex wife. I think sometimes the fact that one person gets a new partner can make the other half of the couple unreasonable for a while, especially if all the finances haven’t been sorted. Good luck.

why would you lose you house? And in reference to her children having a higher standard of living because their father contributes towards their care, I’ve asked twice now about how the father of your children fits into this picture and you haven’t answered...

@Minionmomma because he has no will and she's his next of kin as still married.
Yes my children's father is involved but due to DV he and I don't speak. Very strict contact pattern with hand overs at school so we don't see each other.

Well due to the drip feed I see now that there is no financial consent order as he is still married.

Your children have a father that should be doing what he does for his children for them. I wouldn't let my children see a good father providing for the kids he has conceived knowing full well that their father can't provide that for them. Well I wouldn't have that guy as my partner anyway.

Presumably your ex contributes financially towards the care of your children? Drip feed indeed.

And I find it difficult to conceive that, were anything to happen to your current partner, a court would award all of his assets to his ex, leaving a family homeless...

Your focus and resentment is very much focussed on his ex when in fact you and your DP need to get your house in order.

Try to concentrate on your DP working towards divorce and writing a will. Make sure that your ex is contributing financially and in with quality time with your children so that you can have a little more time with your baby.

You know how hard those first few years are after having a baby - financially, emotionally, physically. It can be draining but you have a blended family and your DP has a positive relationship with his ex which is a positive thing and should he encouraged though I agree with boundaries. Xx