How to cope with feelings of inferiority and jealousy

[lickencivers]

That's it really. I've felt massively resentful of my partners ex wife and tuts spilled into me projecting that into my step children.

I've realised it's jealousy on my part and deep insecurity and feeling inadequate.

I'm sad that she doesn't work and gets to be a sahm even though her Dc are at full time school and I have to leave my children and very small baby and work nights meaning I'm exhausted and feel constantly in the back foot and playing catch up where she gets 5 hours a day to clean and sew badges into kids uniforms and do stuff.

She's always so well put together and gets time to bake. I feel guilty about the disparity between my children, my child with DP and his children with her. There's a massive difference in finance available, time etc

I'm jealous. It's not attractive. DP won't say no to her so I feel left. Since our baby has been born she's got worse and more demanding. For example she insists he goes to hers to drop things off etc and she hasn't gone longer than 48 hours without seeing him in the last few weeks. Meaning he isn't here. He runs around after his 2 children even though she doesn't work - he does clubs after school because she can't cope doing it as apparently their Dc behaviour is too naughty for her to take them on her own.

she texts and says they need to be bathed before dropped off etc and he literally put our screaming baby down to go off and bath them in the middle of the afternoon because she's demanded he do it, meaning the home work I was doing with my eldest stopped as I then had the baby.

That is absolutely ridiculous . She's using her children to fuck with your life.

You sound so sad OP.

As others have said, you have a DP problem. Are they divorced? Are the two of you due to get married, not that I think you necessarily should, but do you feel that her married her and not me?

How is he with your children? Does he fully contribute to them as a step parent and not just financially?

Or is it the case that you are single handledly raising all of the children and doing all of the wife work while the ex effectively gets the best of him?

If so, anyone would be resentful. How were things before the pregnancy?

We are not married.
He has said he doesn't see the point in marriage now. Which tbh hurt me. They are still married as she is divorcing him and she didn't apply for the DA so he did - and it was heard before a judge and she turned round on their agreement and now wants her "share" of pensions. This was while I was pregnant and has been going on years. She even said it would hurt me that they still married when our baby born and I tried to shake it off but it's all culminating in me feeling pretty low.

They've already split finances 70/30 in her favour. She has a mortgage free completely renovated house. She hasn't worked in 10 years, not that this is about her but I feel she uses the DC to control and manipulate him - which impacts on me heavily and I've had enough. Again.

He is amazing with my children. Amazing. He's taken to living with teenage girls admirably. He's genuinely wonderful with them but I feel so sad that I'm alone left holding the baby - while he's playing happy families at hers.

For example their dc birthday - they had a family meal at the formal marital home. Of corse we were all invited. How wonderful of her. Except no way I'm going to their old house with our small baby. And then she invited their child's best friend round to play so the children played upstairs while she sits with my Dp. It's all ducking odd.

He doesn't say no to her. Even when it's damaging to the kids.

I knew he wouldn’t actually be divorced. That’s why he’s tiptoeing around her. He needs to sort that ASAP.

@Earthandsky how did you know? Why is he doing this and what do I do?!

Fuck that shit. Sounds like you’d be better off on your own!!! I wouldn’t be jealous I’d be absolutely furious.

Why on earth is he seeing her every 48 hours? It sounds like he’s in a relationship with both of you.

The fact that they’re still married is what is making you so insecure, she could pull him back and there’s nothing you could do. That may be what she’s after.

DH needs to grow a pair and choose between you.

Ultimatum time.

@TatianaLarina because of the collection and drop offs for kids. She's not happy with hand over being at school becayse she's concerned school bags etc shouldn't come home to us because she's controlling AF so she insists on meeting him at the playground or she withholds things like their clothes from here so he has to collect from their house etc etc etc or he has to go to their dr appts as if he doesn't go she says he's neglecting them.

Hilarious. He's taken more AL to go to shit he didn't need to, as they had a fullyfunctional parent already there - than he did when I had our baby and my older children to care for

And she dictates all contact. Meaning this coming half term I have my dc for one half and he has his the other. No cross over - so he's taken AL to do stuff with his dc. Fair enough. But no time as a family unit. He will want me to do things with them, but I can't do the same with mine as he at work and I will struggle to do activities like London for the day etc with the baby, plus finances.

@TatianaLarina what would the ultimatum be

Problem he's so easy going he just says yes without a thought to pretty much any thing.

I feel sorry for him but at the same time it's making me nasty to him. Yesterday I even asked him how his vagina was as clearly his balls were long gone. I'm tired and teary and snappy it's consuming my thoughts most days. It's not healthy.

But he’s not saying yes to you is he?

The first thing he should do is get a divorce.

I'd tell him you're leaving him unless things change.

So you've had a baby with a married man and you're pissed off that he's putting his children before you?
Were you in the picture before he separated from his wife? He isn't even divorced yet!

He’s more worried about upsetting her than upsetting you. That’s not going to change and he should never have had a baby with you, or started a relationship with a woman who had children if he wasn’t going to bother with anyone other than his ex and his older children.

You’re worth more than this. Walk away. As fast as you can.

For the record - no I wasn't the OW

Oh dear. As said you sound so sad.

It’s him. Why did it take his ex to start divorce proceedings? He is very emeshed, was it his choice to split?

Did he want another child? Ideally he should have been divorced before the baby was conceived, it’s like he is still fully engaged with her life

It’s like you are an add-on rather than central to his life?

OP it will be difficult to get rid of the resentment and jealously under the current situation, I think few people could live like this.

I didn't know you were not married. I do now! I hope he didn't break up with wife because of you. Do you know why they parted?

It's beyond me why you had a baby with him when you both already had children and he remained married - but what's done is done.

Frankly, you'd be better off on your own with your three children. I daresay he'd be very attentive to the one you have with him and his partner would be pissed off with you and yours.

But you had a child with a married man? He wasn't and isn't completely available to you. Not sure what you were expecting

I’d leave him

He isn’t putting you or the child you have together as a priority

Your child together is equally as important as his other children yet he seems to be massively favouring them

Is he over the ex wife? Why is he so against upsetting her?

I would expect spousal support if we split and no children under 18. Reason being I gave up job to run our business and I’m the one that for various reasons would probably be out of a job (knowledge based business- all his knowledge) also reasonably high income but not much in terms of actual assets. I think unless you know the full score here it’s hard to judge , however I do think leasing a new car and private health clubs etc is well OTT if you personally struggle. What’s his answer on that?