How to cope with feelings of inferiority and jealousy

[lickencivers]

That's it really. I've felt massively resentful of my partners ex wife and tuts spilled into me projecting that into my step children.

I've realised it's jealousy on my part and deep insecurity and feeling inadequate.

I'm sad that she doesn't work and gets to be a sahm even though her Dc are at full time school and I have to leave my children and very small baby and work nights meaning I'm exhausted and feel constantly in the back foot and playing catch up where she gets 5 hours a day to clean and sew badges into kids uniforms and do stuff.

She's always so well put together and gets time to bake. I feel guilty about the disparity between my children, my child with DP and his children with her. There's a massive difference in finance available, time etc

I'm jealous. It's not attractive. DP won't say no to her so I feel left. Since our baby has been born she's got worse and more demanding. For example she insists he goes to hers to drop things off etc and she hasn't gone longer than 48 hours without seeing him in the last few weeks. Meaning he isn't here. He runs around after his 2 children even though she doesn't work - he does clubs after school because she can't cope doing it as apparently their Dc behaviour is too naughty for her to take them on her own.

what would the ultimatum be

You or her.

This will defo out me if she's a mumsnetter

They never lived together. He worked away and she was at home project managing their renovation and then latterly with the children. Things started to fall apart and so he changed jobs to be around and live with her and Dc. It lasted less than 6 months they argued and he left by agreement. I know this to be true as seen communication between them from the time.

@chachachaa really? They were long time separated. She applied for divorce and the nisi came long before we met. They would have been divorced if it wasn't for her going after more money.

OP I’ve just read back, how are your finances spilt? One pot or are you both separately paying for bills and children?

Was he not able to help pay for your car service?

Have they been fighting over the divorce settlement for years? I’m not sure how it all works but surely if there’s a 70:30 spilt in her favour that that should be the end of it? Why is he not angry at her for delaying the divorce? Do you think he still loves her and that’s the issue?

Either way I think you need to leave. He doesn’t seem to hold you in the same regard as he does his ex and that can be soul destroying.

Oh don't be so ridiculous. Just because he isn't actually divorced doesn't mean her behaviour and his dancing to her tune is normal fgs.

OP, I'd tell him he prioritises you or fucks off back to his 'ex' where he belongs. He's spineless and she's manipulative. Not something I'd want to have to deal with.

@LASH38 we have a joint account for the house and baby.

I pay for my car and children.

They never lived together. He worked away and she was at home project managing their renovation and then latterly with the children. Things started to fall apart and so he changed jobs to be around and live with her and Dc. It lasted less than 6 months they argued and he left by agreement.

So they get on better apart than they do together? Maybe he's just behaving how he always has.

He needs to be reminded that things are different now. He's living with you and if he wants to stay that way, he must begin to consider you and your baby.

I feel for you. I have a friend in a similar-ish situation. The man feels guilty/responsible for breaking up his original family (long before my friend knew him) and still dances to his ex's tune. They have been separated for 16 years now! It's hugely detrimental to my friend and the children she has with him but for some reason he seems totally unable to cut the control by the exwife. It's sad to watch from the outside and for the various kids involved.

I hope you can get this resolved with your DP, working together for your future and that of all the children. Good luck.

What on earth possessed you to enter into a relationship and have a child with a man who was not free to marry you as he wasn't divorced, OP?

How would you react if one of your dds says she intends to shack up with a married man?

Presumably he's been dancing attendance on his stbxw from the time you met him and his tendency to say 'how high' when she says 'jump' must have been apparent before you had your dc; or did you think that having a dc with him would focus his attention on your family?

You don't have a problem with her, but you do have a problem with him.

If you are unable to curb your jealousy and resentment it's going to poison this relationship, and I very much doubt that he will give you the same attention he gives her if you split up.

@DonKeyshot What on earth possessed you to enter into a relationship and have a child with a man who was not free to marry you as he wasn't divorced, OP?

Exactly this! People genuinely make a rod for their own backs! You could have at least held off on producing a child so you could assess the situation first. This stuff didn’t happen overnight, it’s been happening since the beginning! You could have walked away and had an easier life when you realised what was happening but you’re now anchored to him forever!

It actually wasn't as apparent.

It escalated practically over night when we bought our house. Then when I was pregnant and again it's intensified since the birth.

We were both single.

Unless he was party to a legal separation endorsed by a court, he is a married man in the eyes of the law and will remain so until his Absolute is decreed, smile.

From your last response, OP, it seems that the jealousy you feel was experienced by his stbxw when you purchased a house with him and ramped up when you became pregnant and gave birth to his child.

You can see it, I can see it, but the question is how do you get him to see it?

As flies are far more attracted to honey than vinegar I suggest you refrain from referring to his vagina and pour him a glass of vino or favourite tipple before outlining your concern that continually acceding to his stbxw's more unreasonable demands is putting a strain on your relationship and it's not good for his self-esteem to be continually at her beck and call.

Good luck with that... I wish you well and hope you'll come back with a positive update in due course.

I get how you feel 100% . Id be feeling the same way. Its great he is there for his kids but why is he jumping at every demand? If he is paying child support (and more than he should) the kids are with u 3 days a week and he does school clubs... why is he leasing a car for her? Im sorry, but the kids will be number one but she doesnt have to be. You 2 are supposed to be a team, and damn sure he should be contributing to your kids just as you also contribute to the family, care for his kids (i suppose) etc. He can get her an old banger so shes not left without a car (at a push) and thats that. I wouldnt be able to put up with that. Id feel like a single parent while looking after a grown man and his kids. You need to be open and say his contact with her is too often and hials responsibility is towards his kids not her. If course youre jealous! Working your t*ts off for scraps while he finances her sahm lifestyle. Id be brewing.

@Livelovelearn1 she had thousands in cash at separation so she can afford her own car and not a banger at all.

Plus she gets the equivalent to a full time wage in maintenance. Plus benefits. With no mortgage

We still pay half's of all uniform and shoes. We pay for clubs and swimming lessons etc (I say we, it's DP but it's still out of our pot as it were). We even paid half the money towards end of term gifts for teachers in July that she chose from not on the high street. He was just handed a bill and paid it.

It must have fucked her off some thing terrible when he moved jobs and interfered with her comfortable life in the country with her kids and nice house having him come home every evening and be in her way.

@01lickencivers thats crap...because thats not sustainable for you... and you're gonna have to lie it down on he table for him. I couldnt even talk to him if i was you. I too have worked my tits off to raise my kids, been a single mother and am now with a man with other children. He is there for his kids, we have them as often as we can, he pays for whatever is asked (which is child support, uniforms, clubs and the odd birthday present contribution) thats it. But he also pays towards mine. He is taken you for granted and for a mug. She is a cow but she's has no back bone and is gonna try to get as much as she can. Its up to him to prioritise better. Dont you think he would think the ott expenses are unnecessary if you give some sort of ultimatum? Do u think he would still stick up for her? Because that would speak volumes... :( you're gonna end up hating him if things dont change....

He just feels terribly guilty about leaving her and his children, hence all the additional money etc. Just plain guilt. It's you he loves because it's you who he is with. Hopefully in time he will see that he needs to be more even handed.

OP - how much as a percentage of his wage does he give her? Is he giving pretty much all or is he a higher earner?

I ask because why are you working all the hours and yet have no money to service your car? Is he not sharing his remaining funds with you or is he skint after handing over so much of his wage?

I must beg to differ, smile, as marital status IS important and more particularly so where dc are involved.

In having a child without benefit of wedlock the OP has put herself at considerable disadvantage as, in the event that her relationship with him ends or, heaven forbid, he dies, she will not have any of the legal rights that would be accorded to her if she was a married woman.

Unless the woman is independently weathly, in which case I would advise a pre-nup, I would not advise any woman to put the cart before the horse by having dc without benefit of marriage.

Why did they split in the first place; I note that you mention that she filed for divorce... you also mentioned that you weren’t the OW. Was there previously an OW before you got together?

@Minionmomma no, no other woman.